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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 05/10/2019 09:31

Partner should have clarified what was covered with parents
He isn't a child he shouldn't assume that they would pay for everything
Going home is definitely the best idea

fedup21 · 05/10/2019 09:31

Ask for your money back. If you’re just going to get a train home and split up, then he’ll just spend the money.

What a very odd situation.

L0bstersLass · 05/10/2019 09:31

Don't be talked out of leaving. I'd suggest you need to be far away from this disastrous sounding weekend, this bloke and his family.

Wonderland18 · 05/10/2019 09:34

I don't think your DP was expecting you to have to cover everything. His parents really should have been upfront about it all as planning a trip as a gift to him should mean they cover his expenses. Sounds like they wanted a family holiday more and figured they were paying their part for themselves to be included.

He must be so embarrassed and if he’s on the sick and has no money he will be feeling stuck and useless. I wouldn’t split with him for it but I would be making it clear he needs to speak to his parents

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 05/10/2019 09:34

God I hope the milestone birthday is his 18th or 21st. Because the thought of a grown man of 30 or older behaving like this has made me feel a bit sick.

Butchyrestingface · 05/10/2019 09:36

God I hope the milestone birthday is his 18th or 21st

Unless the OP is Mrs Robinson surely it would make it even worse of the parents to expect a fellow youngster to pay for their son?

Paddy1234 · 05/10/2019 09:37

Good luck OP
I don't think you will ever win this one - the stories that will be spun in the future of how you ruined the weekend won't be worth hanging around for
Cut your losses and run!

kissmewherethesundontshine · 05/10/2019 09:37

Hope you are ok OP and get the loan back

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 05/10/2019 09:38

I am really sorry OP it has turned out like this and you have been shit on from a great height.The parents and him sound total free loaders.

user1471546851 · 05/10/2019 09:38

Wow this just all sounds mad!
Expecting a partner of 18months to foot the bill for his birthday family trip away that she was actually invited on not organising!
Op I hope you have gotten you're money back you've borrowed him before you go!
Otherwise he'll l still be there having a lovely time at you're expense!

MakeItRain · 05/10/2019 09:38

Ask for your money back before you go. You really need to get it back for his parents to appreciate why you're going home.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 05/10/2019 09:39

Just realised I cross posted because the screen didn't refresh. Glad to hear that you're leaving. The issue is not that the in laws are expecting you to pay, it's that the boyfriend was. He sounds like a bit of a loser to be honest. Any man worth his salt would be keeping his financial concerns private between him and his parents (who he has been led to believe were paying) and not dragging the girl he is seeing into it. The MIL is wrong to approach you for payment for her son's room. Your half? Sure. That's reasonable. But his half is on the MIL or him.

MakeItRain · 05/10/2019 09:39

If you've had a row anyway you've nothing to lose by insisting he gives it back before you go.

shearwater · 05/10/2019 09:39

DP should really sort this mess out. It's his mess.

Grandmi · 05/10/2019 09:40

I actually feel sorry for your boyfriend . The main reason is , that it’s awful that he cannot have a straight conversation with his family about his finances!! If my children couldn’t afford something I know that they would just say it ...all seems a bit awkward to me!!

Starlight456 · 05/10/2019 09:40

What a mess . It sounds like you are better off out of it

PrettyPurse · 05/10/2019 09:41

Very odd situation. A paid for weekend away for me would be transport and accommodation. Plus one "birthday" meal if l was lucky. Everything else I'd expect to pay myself.

I think it's your boyfriend that's the CF expecting it all to be paid for.

How old is he to have this expectation?

Mephisto · 05/10/2019 09:41

Grandmi, why not feel sorry for the OP, who has just lost £375, plus the cost of the flight and had a massive row with him?

Singlenotsingle · 05/10/2019 09:43

Go home. You should have gone before lending him money, not after. I don't suppose you'll ever get it back.

PrettyPurse · 05/10/2019 09:44

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I don't think they expect you to necessarily pay for him, but for you two to work it out between you...i.e take it in turns.

I think this is still your boyfriend's fault

INeedAFlerken · 05/10/2019 09:45

Wow. So he's now fighting with you rather than dealing with his parents for trying to put you in a position you don't belong in. YOu don't live together; you're dating; you're not responsible for his expenses and holiday budget. Plus you already gave him a nice birthday present.

His parents are out of line. He is out of line. I'm so sorry, OP. Hope you're on your way home alone.

WickedLemon · 05/10/2019 09:46

Hope you’ve got that lump sum back off him! What a bunch of entitled fuckers, your DP included.

burnoutbabe · 05/10/2019 09:46

If you were expected to pay for the hotel you should have been told in advance. £350 for 2 nights in Newcastle in October seems a lot. (It may be 3 nights) and if you knew in advance you were paying for it, you'd have been able to say "we'll stay somewhere cheaper" (travelodge etc). I'd have refused to pay my half if asked on the day and not agreed in advance, just told them you'd been under the impression it was a gift to the son.

Reallybadidea · 05/10/2019 09:47

Is a whip the same as a kitty? I haven't come across that term before and I'm too scared to Google it

Anyway, going home sounds like it's for the best. Doesn't sound like you're having a good time and no likelihood of improvement now you've had a row either! Chalk it up to experience.

SmileyGiraffe · 05/10/2019 09:48

So the bus journey was All Night Long? @LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook

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