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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 05/10/2019 18:54

Being 40 is completely different! 😬

I've been treated to breaks/holidays as gifts before and always understood that it was flight (if applicable) and hotel only - I wouldn't ever dream that it would include every expense relating to the holiday eg food drink etc and would expect to pay my own way for that

I think your (ex?)DP has been very naïve and is clearly pretty immature. However I suspect he has also grown comfortable/accustomed to you putting your hand in your pocket to pay whilst he has been out of work and therefore today will hopefully have been a big shock to him

What are your thoughts about the future with him (if there is one?!) hopefully he will feel mortified about what has gone on and will try and make amends?

Drum2018 · 05/10/2019 19:13

As it is you've left him to deal with it on his own

Deal with what? He's with his own family. He's going to lie to them about why op has left. He's a fucking wimp and his parents should know exactly why op has left.

What are your thoughts about the future with him (if there is one?!) hopefully he will feel mortified about what has gone on and will try and make amends?

I sincerely hope you are not considering a future with him @Stfrancescof

IncrediblySadToo · 05/10/2019 19:22

40 😳

So as you have said he’s fully wellness again, I assume he’s also back at work?

He needs to pay you back the £200 you lent him, the £175 for the hotel, your train fare & other crap you paid for (Meals/drinks) minus the money he gave you today. Don’t be out of pocket.

It’s not just a case if him needing to ‘grow up’, he’s got a ‘everyone else can sort it out/pay’ attitude that will never change. This weekend should have shown you what life would be like living with him. If that doesn’t give you the wake up call you need to dump him, I don’t know what will..

Africa2go · 05/10/2019 19:28

Anyone who assumes they are being treated to ‘every aspect of the trip’ , I would say is pretty grabby.

^This. 1. Its bloody stupid in the first place to assume this anyway. 99.9% of the population would think if someone was treating you to a weekend away you'd have travel & accommodation covered, and you'd pay your own meals / spending money.

  1. Most people, even if "absolutely everything" was offered (and I actually dont think it was, i think the BF just assumed) would say no, thats overly generous. Anyone who accepts a weekend where absolutely everything is paid for, at 40 years of age, is just cheeky.
Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 19:28

About the hotel payment - his mum paid it upfront , the day before and I texted to ask how much I owed so I could transfer and she responded 'its 350 for both of you'

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 19:29

To which I responded I would pay half immediately and she did not respond

OP posts:
FazakerlyJackie · 05/10/2019 19:35

Wow Mum sounds a right charmer.
How are you feeling now? Hope you are on the last stretch of the journey home. Smile

SandraOhshair · 05/10/2019 19:36

What hotel were you at for that price?!

MyKingdomForACaramel · 05/10/2019 19:37

So basically not a “treat” on them at al! Also - tbf if they were treating him to the hotel room - why on earth would you pay half of it - if you weren’t going the room would cost the same.

I do feel a bit for your bf - he’s not been well obviously and now spending his 49th with his parents only, but hey... not your problem really.

lynzpynz · 05/10/2019 19:38

Oh dear... the problem from the start here has been a total lack of communication all round! So many assumptions, followed by embarrassment, awkwardness, resentment and no answers or solutions ever being sorted until the Newcastle trip is upon you!

This all being said however, clearly the root of this is your dp never clarifying WTF his parents were and were not giving him for his 40th... If you can't have this kind of conversation with your own parents at 40 then that's a big problem. It was not, and never was you who should have had to figure this out, let alone be expected to pay for it all as a result of his not finding out! I am guessing but assume he's just thought they'll pay for it all as its his 40th, then when they haven't he's been too embarrassed or potentially even just buried his head in the sand and hoped you'd be his magic money genie for the trip...

Redeeming qualities - he's given you back money to get home, encouraged you to do this (the right thing), seems embarrassed, seems to acknowledge (with prompting...) his large error here to you at least.

Negatives - CF parents, inability to communicate like an adult, even now not tackling the real problem by lying that you have a family emergency and continuing the charade that life is FINE.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide to do you may need to be brutal here and weigh up the pros and cons of this relationship to your financial and emotional wellbeing. You're important - put your present and future happiness first in this situation.

Don't let (unjustified!) guilt make you regret making the decision to leave and get out of that toxic situation in Newcastle. Its very easy for us to say 'I'd have yelled at his parents, I'd have caused a scene, I'd have done X' but until you're in a situation you don't know how you'll react a lot of the time.

fedup21 · 05/10/2019 19:40

Which bit of the holiday were they actually ‘treating’ him to? Or did he get the wrong end of the stick and you were all just ‘going away to x for the weekend together’ and his mum was just kindly doing the booking?

Someone is clearly confused about the whole thing.

RainbowsAndGlitterAndUnicorns · 05/10/2019 19:41

Glad you are out of the situation!

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/10/2019 19:57

He is 40
😱😱😱
You handled this really well, but honestly think of this as a lucky escape and run for the hills

He is a man baby of the highest order

Binglebong · 05/10/2019 19:59

In fairness saying you gave a family emergency is accurate- you needed an emergency escape from his family!

meccacos2 · 05/10/2019 19:59

@Stfrancescof

About the hotel payment - his mum paid it upfront , the day before and I texted to ask how much I owed so I could transfer and she responded 'its 350 for both of you'

Your boyfriend’s mother lied about the trip. She offered Newcastle in place of Rome being the ‘gift’ of the milestone trip.

She expected you to pay for both you and your boyfriend. Turns out the trip wasn’t a gift after all.

Further to that, you found yourself covering your boyfriend for food and also covering rounds of drinks.

You aren’t being unreasonable at all.

This is the sort of family you are getting involved with. Remain with your boyfriend and you’ll be dipping your hand into your pocket a whole lot more.

MyOtherProfile · 05/10/2019 20:02

Poor bloke. Not much of a birthday for him. You did what you could but his family have been a bit crap.

SunshineCake · 05/10/2019 20:04

Are you just going home or have you ended things as well, @Stfrancescof?

Mollymoo01 · 05/10/2019 20:07

I do feel a little sorry for the bloke, he obviously believed his parents were going to treat him which to be perfectly honest they did make it sound like that.

I don’t think you did the wrong thing, but I do think the majority of the blame should be at his parents.
You don’t say you are treating your son and his partner to a holiday for your sons birthday, knowing full well his is broke and into his overdraft while expecting him to somehow pay for himself Confused

Lowlandlucky · 05/10/2019 20:08

He is not your DP he is your boyfriend and you shouldnt be paying for him

Bourbonbiccy · 05/10/2019 20:16

He is your 40 year old boyfriend who expects his parents or girlfriend to pay for his treat to Newcastle.

Good decision to leave, both the "treat" and the relationship, all sounds very strange set up,

GabsAlot · 05/10/2019 20:18

So his dp were never going to pay for anything then?

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 20:19

he obviously believed his parents were going to treat him which to be perfectly honest they did make it sound like that

Or more likely that they actually discussed this with him. Since he isnt annoyed at his parents and when asked what he thought was gonna happen said 'I didnt think about it-.

GorkyMcPorky · 05/10/2019 20:25

About the hotel payment - his mum paid it upfront , the day before and I texted to ask how much I owed so I could transfer and she responded 'its 350 for both of you'

Well I did wonder if you'd paid for your share of the room unnecessarily but it seems not. You are so well out of it. Bet he's telling them that he can't afford anything because he's had to pay you off.

OkayGo · 05/10/2019 20:46

40!! Oh my god!

Run like the fucking wind op!

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 20:51

I genuinely do not know what their present was to him - nothing as far as I can see.

I do feel sorry for him but I'm totally pissed off still.

OP posts: