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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
verytiredandstressed · 05/10/2019 16:52

Sorry but i don't get why they said it was all their treat and then looked to you to pay .
If he was under the understanding that they will pay why isn't he annoyed with them ?
I don't get the excuse he didn't think , he's 40 ffs you don't rely on mummy at that age . I don't think you have the truth .

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/10/2019 16:54

Still not sure why you paid for your half of the hotel room if they said they were taking you away?

SparklyMagpie · 05/10/2019 16:55

I'd be mortified if I agreed to a trip like that as a birthday trip and had no money, whether it all being a trip or not. I could never expect someone to pay for everything on my behalf.

Fair play OP, you've made the right decision! You have nothing to feel guilty about and I do hope you get the rest of your money back !

SparklyMagpie · 05/10/2019 16:55

*treat not trip

IncognitaIgnorama · 05/10/2019 16:57

You've had a narrow escape, OP - a 40 year old behaving like this is pretty staggering.

AskMeHow · 05/10/2019 16:58

Well done OP. Hope the train back is ok, have a couple of wines from the buffet Wine

It's clear this man is a hopeless case, he can't even be straight with his parents and say no she's already treated me for my birthday, you said you would pay. Too much of a child to stand up to them.

I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, but you've dodged a bullet.

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 16:59

If he was under the understanding that they will pay why isn't he annoyed with them ?

Because its bollocks. I bet the parents have told him exactly what they were paying for. He wanted to go so told them it was fine. Thinking op will pick up the tab.

Dinosauraddict · 05/10/2019 16:59

I was genuinely reading this assuming it was his 30th birthday (and really hoping it was only his 25th). This 'man' is ridiculous. He is not someone I would ever consider as a partner. I really hope you move on and find happiness with someone ready for a grown up relationship.

Bobbindobbin · 05/10/2019 17:02

Only a few hours til you are home, nice hot bath, large gin and order a bloody lovely takeaway! Then spend tomorrow in your pjs Flowers

fedup21 · 05/10/2019 17:04

Does he still owe you any money?

When you wrote-

parents told him 6 months ago they were treating him to Newcastle. By treat he understood this to be every aspect of his costs for the trip

I would say this is where the issue lies. If someone treats you to something, it needs to be specified what they mean.

My parents have treated me to a holiday before-they paid for the villa and my flights. They didn’t pay for my food or spending money, or travel or parking at the airport, etc etc.

Anyone who assumes they are being treated to ‘every aspect of the trip’ , I would say is pretty grabby.

AriadneCrete · 05/10/2019 17:09

@fedup21 I disagree that it’s grabby. In my family, if you’re treated to a holiday that means flights, hotels, activities/ excursions and meals. But I do know it’s different in other families and would never expect every family to be like us.

You’re totally right that the OP’s problem was this wasn’t clarified before the trip! OP I think you’ve had a lucky escape. If I were you, I’d be rethinking the whole relationship too.

Guavaf1sh · 05/10/2019 17:11

Well done!!

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 05/10/2019 17:12

Urgh! I thought he was going to be 25 tops. 40! Yes, v unattractive behaviour.

meccacos2 · 05/10/2019 17:29

Also was finding him to be acting like a great big baby and I couldn't stand it

At 40 years of age he shouldn’t have expected his parents to pay or you to pay.

Here are my thoughts:-

  1. If he had the expectation that his parents would pay for every meal & drink - then he is unreasonable
  1. If he let you pay for all of his meals / drinks - then he is being unreasonable
  1. He had no intention of paying for anything at all as he didn’t take any cash out - he had no $ whatsoever and was in overdraft
  1. You were expected by his family to pay for the hotel room for the pair of you - for a trip they suggested as a “present” for their son
  1. You tried to clarify costs in advance of the trip and were ignored by the mother
  1. There were expectations of both your boyfriend and his family that you would fund the family vacation - which is what it was
  1. His behaviour reverted to that of a child - whereby he expected (at 40 years old) to be looked after and babied
  1. It was a shit present on behalf of his parents. Rome for the two of you changed to Newcastle for the entire family. I wouldn’t have gone at all.
Tistheseason17 · 05/10/2019 17:33

Wow - he was sooooo expecting you to pay for everything.Good job you found him out before moving in and taking relationship further.

Step away from the manbaby.

FazakerlyJackie · 05/10/2019 17:37

Gosh, I had a vibe he was 40. Fuck sake! What an arse he is.

Righto then, you have done absolutely the right thing, cheering you on here to better things. Phew! What an escape.

I'm so sorry you have such a long journey home. I realise that you really liked him. Thing is, these c.f types can be quite charming at times otherwise we would not get so invested in them.

Get home, own bed, and own money. Well done to you. Flowers

StroppyWoman · 05/10/2019 17:40

Good heavens, I was expecting him to be 25!
He’s shockingly immature.

timshelthechoice · 05/10/2019 17:44

He is 40 btw.

Obviously I am having major doubts about the suitability of the relationship.

You're are only having doubts about this guy? For real? FFS, he's FORTY. This is who he is. You are banging on and on about 'dignity', well, a) he has none b) who fucking cares, you are being swizzed here! How dignified is that?

This guy is a shit boyfriend who felt entitled to your money because it's his silly birthday.

If you hadn't stood up for yourself he'd have happily kicked back and had yet another fun time on your cash.

What a loser!

Bin him off. You're far too concerned about everyone else but yourself - what they think, perceived 'dignity', this guy's feelings when he's most concerned about his own.

'Aw, but it's his birthday! I can't do that to him on his birthday!'

He had no qualms about sponging off you.

Don't fall for the fallacy of sunken costs. You are worth more than this user.

titnomatani · 05/10/2019 18:00

He only paid for you to leave so he can carry on enjoying his birthday weekend without having to worry about you sulking (rightly) in the corner. Bin him.

ThatLibraryMiss · 05/10/2019 18:02

Just a thought, OP: did the hotel ask for a credit card at check-in to cover incidentals, and if it did whose was used?

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 05/10/2019 18:21

@DisgruntledGuineaPig has it right. He’s not a great long term bet if he could have taken cash out and didn’t, rather taking your cash. Get out and stay out. You’re better than that

SandraOhshair · 05/10/2019 18:26

Hes 40?

Urgh, really really dreadful.

ThatCurlyGirl · 05/10/2019 18:28

HE IS FORTY?!

Bullet dodged my love, well done Thanks

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2019 18:48

Oh my. I can’t believe he’s 40! Safe journey home.

Wonkybanana · 05/10/2019 18:50

YOU. HAVE. NOT. DONE. THE. WRONG. THING.

Your (hopefully soon to be ex) bf is a leech. Take the relationship any further and you'll find you're permanently being expected to put your hand in your pocket. He's nearly at the end of his overdraft and it's four weeks to payday - what's he planning to live on? The fresh air diet tends not to be sustainable long term.

You need to stop thinking about everyone else's feelings and concentrate on doing what's right for you. And a 40 year old irresponsible man-child is not good for you at any level.

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