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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 05/10/2019 15:55

40! There is nothing else to say..... dear god I thought he was 21 or even at a push 30

KatyCarrCan · 05/10/2019 15:57

If you have separate finances , I don't see how it matters whether he spends his overdraft on his 40th birthday or not. There's a difference between deciding to be well into overdraft for a special birthday and constantly living there. Admittedly lots of people do both regularly.

Pricedrop · 05/10/2019 15:57

40?!!!!!!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/10/2019 15:59

Did his mother ask you to pay for your share of the hotel room? I read it as she was paying but you voluntarily gave her your half?

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 15:59

Its not shit to leave the day before his birthday.

What he did was shit. He was betting you would pay and not say anything. I am afraid he had you marked as a soft touch with decent finances.

PrettyPurse · 05/10/2019 16:00

He's 40!!! Holy shit! I thought he was going to be early 20's!!

MoreProseccoNow · 05/10/2019 16:00

40!!! FFS! I honestly thought you were talking about a 21st, maybe 30th at a push.

Run for the hills! This man is not life partner material.

You've dodged a bucket there, OP.

MoreProseccoNow · 05/10/2019 16:01

*bullet

Andromache77 · 05/10/2019 16:02

Sorry to point this out but he did not pay for your train ticket home, you did, in fact he still owes you money. And he's 40? Write off the rest of the money and block him, seriously. You could try to get it back from him but he's clearly shit with money and completely feckless so cut your losses and run.

verytiredandstressed · 05/10/2019 16:02

40 ffs
I think he's not annoyed with his mum because he's told her that you will pay that's why they are a bit Hmm with you .
Can you imagine if the mum was posting a thread . My ds girlfriend was supposed to be paying for his special birthday then she refused and then stormed off home early .
If it was me I'd rethink the relationship it's him who is the cf .

notangelinajolie · 05/10/2019 16:04

Well done OP. The blame here lies firmly with him. If he doesn't discuss finances with his parents then they weren't to know he had gone with no money. And if they did know then they should not have looked at you to pay his bill . He could have stopped all this before anyone stepped a single foot past their front doors and he didn't - he chose to bury his head in the sand. To say he didn't think is a pathetic excuse. It was very wrong of him to go anywhere with no means of paying his own way. If he had no money he should have told you and then you wouldn't have been put in this position.

Good luck to you and safe journey Flowers

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 16:12

Just to clarify:

  • parents told him 6 months ago they were treating him to Newcastle. By treat he understood this to be every aspect of his costs for the trip.
  • I had no choice in the change of plan whatsoever.
  • parents very aware of the costly treat I gave him last weekend as they were there.
  • he told his parents he was well into his overdraft last week.
OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 16:14

And thank you for all well wishes and kind advice.

I'm still upset about it and worried I have done the wrong thing! Just wanted to get the rock out of there and couldn't trust myself to continue to be civil at multiple 'couple' payment moments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 16:15

Also was finding him to be acting like a great big baby and I couldn't stand it Sad

OP posts:
Rafflesway · 05/10/2019 16:15

Massive round of applause for leaving, OP!

If you had stayed, I have an awful feeling they would have presented you with a huge bill when checking out. Who the hell did they think was going to pay for all your BF's meals? 😡

The good news is it won't be you any longer. 😁

Have a great trip home!

MovinOnUp · 05/10/2019 16:16

You haven't done the wrong thing.
He sounds like hard work and very immature with it.

BrendasUmbrella · 05/10/2019 16:16

Wow, he is 40 years old?

Isthisit22 · 05/10/2019 16:18

You need to the end the relationship OP as this is a manchild who is happy to take take take.
Why is he accepting expensive birthday presents from people when he should be a asking for the money instead to get him out of his expensive hole.
He seems to think he's entitled to big birthday treats when what he really needs is to live within his means.

GorkyMcPorky · 05/10/2019 16:23

OP you've taught him an important lesson, don't feel bad.

NettleTea · 05/10/2019 16:29

at 40 youve had a lucky escape!
20 could just about be forgiven, but 40. Those bad habits are well ingrained

Grambler · 05/10/2019 16:46

He's 40!! Run and don't look back. You've had a lucky escape. One day you'll look back and realise this weekend has done you a massive favour and given you an insight into how your future would have been with this massive baby of a man.

Have you got a can of G&T?

coconuttelegraph · 05/10/2019 16:49

40 going on 14

Enjoy a peaceful weekend without any of them. Can you get a refund on the plane fare or was it a cheap deal? The hotel must have been pretty high end, are the parents quite well off, is that why they don't get it?

Raphael34 · 05/10/2019 16:49

40 years old!!?? He’s never going to grow up. I wonder if previous girlfriends have funded him before. He and his family seemed very happy to take advantage

Ragglesnaggle · 05/10/2019 16:50

OP he sounds like a manchild who will leech as much money from you as he can.
Please don't go back to him, you'll probably not see any more money back from him anyway.

Rachelle11 · 05/10/2019 16:50

My mum took us away for my 40th. She paid for our hotel and we drove there. I would never presume she would pay for everything! For my 18th sure, 40th, no.