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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
cutebutscary · 05/10/2019 15:00

God what a totally shit nightmare !! Try and find a way to LEAVE
If it's like this at the beginning of the relationship it will truly be awful if you lived together , had children together got married.
I would personally run for the hills . They are testing you like a total chump . Sorry you are having a shit time

sonjadog · 05/10/2019 15:00

Take the money, and go and take the train home. Leave this behind. His parents can bail him out financially.

titnomatani · 05/10/2019 15:02

Take the money and leave. And take your self/respect with you. You are not his social worker there to bail him out. This relationship is far from equal and that's a major red flag for me.

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 15:04

Awww thanks all! I really appreciate the advice you have really really helped me. I exited with dignity and calmed down, talked him all the way through it and said it was better for me to leave than to stay and be annoyed and have him worry about me and for me to spoil it. I accepted money he withdrew for the trainfare gave him a big hug and left for the train station

OP posts:
Jux · 05/10/2019 15:04

Go home now. Yes, it'll upset your bf but he's upsetting you and costing you tons by not making things clear with his parents - even now, has he spoken to them, told them they had said they would y for him, asked them why they expect you to pay? No he hasn't has he?

You're rethinking the relationship, so just go home now.

Jux · 05/10/2019 15:06

Sorry, x posted without refreshing.

Well done op.

Elodie2019 · 05/10/2019 15:07

Apart from your 'share' of the hotel bill, are you out of pocket OP?
Glad you have gone.

Elodie2019 · 05/10/2019 15:09

You were taken away for the weekend under false pretences.
Hopefully your 'D'P realised that he can't spend your money. He has access to an overdraft, he can use the bank's money. Not yours.

OkayGo · 05/10/2019 15:10

Hope the journey is ok op. I would definitely not link myself any further to someone like this.

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 15:11

Yes sitting on a train now!!
Got two changes and a long long journey.

Really really appreciate the advice. I should have spoken up even though it was awkward to ask who was paying for him.

I think he had dignity by paying for my trainfare (although it was more like giving me the money back that I lent him yesterday tbh) and I hope he learns from this

He does have some amaxing qualities but this is not good enough.

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 05/10/2019 15:20

I kind of feel a bit sorry for the bloke to be honest that this has escalated so quickly and dare I say it maybe going home early is an overreaction

You're all adults there so you should have stood up for yourself And told them what you were prepared to pay for

As it is you've left him to deal with it on his own

onalongsabbatical · 05/10/2019 15:23

I think you've handled it brilliantly, OP.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 05/10/2019 15:24

Sounds good.

Sorry but a man who didn't even think about how the weekend could be funded, is a bad long term bet. He is the sort to push for a dog you cant afford the doggy day care for because he promises to walk it each day. The sort to book a holiday because you have the deposit money, not budgeting for settling the balance.

Being "the grown up" will be your job. And it wont be fun.

Find an equal. That doesn't mean someone with similar income levels, but similar approaches and levels of responsibility.

GorkyMcPorky · 05/10/2019 15:31

Not that it matters now, but it's not quite clear from your OP if his parents actually expected you to pay for the room - half or at all. Did you offer the money because they asked? Sounds like hell and an experience that'll make you clench when you think of it! Hope he's learned from it.

You can do a lot better!

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 15:33

As it is you've left him to deal with it on his own

You mean the situation of his own making? Oh poor lamb. Having to deal with it alone? Bless him. Hmm

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 05/10/2019 15:40

@Hesafriendfromwork I know I know I just feel a bit bad for him - clearly this has all kicked off in the space of a couple of hours this morning - presumably last night was the first night of the weekend - both at fault really - him for not saying rearrange when he is back to work and her for not standing up for herself

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 15:43

She has stood up for herself today.

When its become clear he didnt think about how he was going to pay for anything and put that burden on the Op.

He is an adult. He made choices. He is a grown man. He made a choice to try and manipulate the OP onto paying for his weekend away.

Its entirely up to him to resolve.

DriftingLeaves · 05/10/2019 15:44

Safe journey, OP. Well handled. Dignity is all.

mummmy2017 · 05/10/2019 15:46

Just sat here wonder exactly what are they paying for as the birthday gift?

walkintheparc · 05/10/2019 15:48

Accepting a trip to Newcastle with in-laws instead of a weekend for 2 in Rome was the first very big mistake!
Leave and don't look back OP. You can do better! Imagine those people being your future family!

Bobbindobbin · 05/10/2019 15:48

Well done! What time will you be home ?

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 15:51

Just re read all the comments and can see bf has a lot of growing up to do before he could be dp.

He is 40 btw.

Obviously I am having major doubts about the suitability of the relationship.

While parents were rude to force 'couples' bill sharing despite my offer of a whip , essentially bf should have taken responsibility for himself and for me.

In the ensueing discussions before I left he said he was planning to pay for it out of his overdraft when it came to paying. I said well in which case why didn't you get the cash out, why did I?? To which he said 'i didn't have a choice did i' which I was just gobsmacked by and so insulted and explained that of course he had a choice.

Is that unreasonable though? To pay for spends on a trip out of overdraft? I think so - he is 600 overdrawn and payday is nearly 4 weeks away!!

OP posts:
GlitteredAcorns · 05/10/2019 15:53

He's been babied by his mum and now he expects you to do the same.
Good riddance OP!

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 15:54

Home at 8...
I know it's shit leaving the day before his birthday but I honestly think they will all enjoy it more being in their own family dynamic. He has told them 'family emergency' I did not see them today

OP posts:
Anotheruser02 · 05/10/2019 15:55

If he could access £150 you could still be there and he could be using that to pay his own way. He actually took your money that you hadn't budgeted yesterday knowing he could access his own. Angry on your behalf.