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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Foslady · 05/10/2019 13:49

If it’s an expensive train would flying be cheaper?

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/10/2019 13:51

Take the money and get the train far far away from there. Even if you can only afford to get as far south as York and then have to find a coach or a bus to get you nearer home, just get away from that situation.

Staying just sends the message that you might spit the dummy out and shout a bit, but in the end you'll back down for a quiet life and to 'not spoil things'. Sometimes things really need spoiling.

Marmozet · 05/10/2019 13:55

Zaphodsotherhead is right. Staying there sends the message you're going to accept this behaviour.

Pollydocket · 05/10/2019 13:56

I think stay, fake an illness and enjoy the hotel, you can go out and about on your own if you want to.
NO point having further costs of trains etc.

If you get caught, just be honest that you can’t/ don’t want to fund him. Or say, “ I thought a little fresh air might be good” in all honesty why do you care what they think?

Take the money back, ( some more details would be nice, it won’t “out” you, “ it just gives context.)

The best way to deal with CF is to play them at their own game.

Mix56 · 05/10/2019 13:56

I would speak ti his parents, they offered this as a bday treat, you asked previously how it would be funded, you have already given him his present, you did not expect to pay for their gift , you cannot afford it. He cannot afford it.
It us their problem to solve

starfishmummy · 05/10/2019 13:57

OP just be careful that the parents have actually paid for the room with the money you gave them and you are not left to pay for that.

C0untDucku1a · 05/10/2019 13:59

Take the money. This is the last time you will see it.

I wouldnt be leaving after paying for the hotel.

But i would be dumping when i got home. .

He is not a long term prospect. Imagine living with that attitude towards money.

Ash39 · 05/10/2019 14:05

This sounds really difficult and awkward. I think the problem is a break down in communication. There should have been proper clarification on expenses before you went.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 05/10/2019 14:08

If you've paid for your flight, I'd get a cheap alternative room and stay until the flight. If you stay with him/them then you're effectively agreeing to put up with this shit.

I once spent a miserable weekend with my then DFiance and his family in a UK resort; he had laughingly admitted to snogging another woman at a party the week before, 5 minutes before we got off the train to the resort. I spent the weekend wanting him to fuck off and trying to pretend to be happy to his family, fuck knows why. I was quite young. He exacerbated it by becoming ill the next day, so I felt obliged to stay and look after him. I was fuming throughout. It was hideous.

Don't have an unutterably shit weekend with them - please just leave.

mankyfourthtoe · 05/10/2019 14:09

I would take the money he owes you.
Have you got for another talk, see how the land lies after that as to whether you go home early.

Butterymuffin · 05/10/2019 14:12

Have either of you said to his parents 'I thought this was going to be your treat!'

Elodie2019 · 05/10/2019 14:13

It clearly says in the opening post "We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to"

Well many thanks for the reminder. That's told me.

ittooshallpass · 05/10/2019 14:19

Get your money and go...

Topseyt · 05/10/2019 14:19

Of course you take the £150. He owes it to you and how he funds it is his problem.

He wouldn't be in this situation if he had been upfront with everyone about him not being able to afford this weekend away, or if his family had been clear from the word go about who would finance what.

Get yourself home. Use the £150 for a ticket if necessary. Lick your wounds for a bit. Have a nice glass of wine when you get there, call some proper friends to arrange a meet up and begin to move forward without this manchild.

Leave him with Mummy and Daddy. They can pick up his room bill and other expenses as you had originally understood they would.

Who cares if they call you all the names under the sun? You'll never have to see them ever again if you dump this twat now.

Actionhasmagic · 05/10/2019 14:19

Take the money and leave

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/10/2019 14:19

His overdraft, his problem.
Take the money.

Grumpelstilskin · 05/10/2019 14:20

Just take the money. You are not his cash cow and he can grow a spine and sort out his finances. Don't be a martyr that's just annoying and pathetic.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/10/2019 14:25

Don’t stay because he will feel bad. Leave because then you will feel better.

mummmy2017 · 05/10/2019 14:27

I think I'd just make him sleep on the floor.
Go out alone, or let him tag alone.
Take the booked transport home, then decide once home what you want .
Yes I would finish it.

theWarOnPeace · 05/10/2019 14:28

Take the money and run. The 18 months was a good lesson and a (emotional) cost that you won’t recoup, but will know better next time. I can’t see how someone who doesn’t think about huge costs and who they might fall to, is relationship material.

MovinOnUp · 05/10/2019 14:37

Take what's owed you.

But don't spend any more money on leaving early.

If this appeals to you this is what I would do...Nip to a nearby supermarket, Buy wine, nibbles, face mask, candle, bubble bath, a good book/a few magazines and hole up in the room until it's time to go.

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/10/2019 14:44

Take what’s owed and get on that train

FazakerlyJackie · 05/10/2019 14:47

He is £600 into his overdraft?
This really is not your problem. If you are not financially linked already he is trying his damned best to try and link you now isn't he. What a guilt tripper (and I'll have a tenner on it being his 40th)

It must be awful stuck there, but just head out now, leave it any longer and you will be stuck overnight and then all day tomorrow.££££££

We don't give a toss about him - but you are one of us, on your side here!

WhatTiggersDoBest · 05/10/2019 14:57

Take the money. He chose to spend the rest of his OD at some point and also to not enquire about how this weekend would be funded. I'm sure if you'd known in advance you wouldn't have picked such an expensive hotel. He has no right to be upset and neither do his parents. Don't let any of them con you into paying for anything else. Get good at maintaining the silence when someone else waits silently for you to offer to pay.
This is a lesson for him in not spending other people's money.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this but it sounds like you would have ended up paying for him forever.
Flowers

diddl · 05/10/2019 15:00

I can't help think that money spent on getting home would be money well spent tbh.