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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Penelopeschat · 05/10/2019 13:05

@Stfrancescof - sorry this happened. Money and families is always complicated. I wouldn’t necessarily dump over this, but I would leave and have a serious conversation once he’s back home about a few key things. If he’s been off work and it’s impacted his mental health, he may have so needed a break that he looked at this with rose tinted glasses and not thought it through fully. It isn’t his fault his parents pulled his trick, however it’s a learning opportunity for sure!
I would leave or they’ve really gotten away with it. They may also be more willing to do this to you than their son, so maybe with you gone they will realize he needs their help!

PrettyPurse · 05/10/2019 13:05

@Stfrancescof - when were you meant to go home and how?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2019 13:05

If the £150 is how much he owes you, then take it and leave.

Worry about whether this is the end of your relationship later - I'd say it is, but it's up to you, only you know whether you can cope with this sort of shit.

He can borrow money of his parents/ siblings to get through tomorrow if he has to - although his parents SHOULD be the ones paying, since it was supposed to be their "treat" for him!!

Greyponcho · 05/10/2019 13:07

Take the money - not your circus, not your monkeys.

You’re better off out of this situation:

  • he can’t or won’t effectively communicate with his family to determine what the actual plan is,
  • he’s piss poor at financial management and can’t see that a trip away is a bad idea when he’s so badly overdrawn
  • It didn’t occur to him that someone else would have to fund his expenses
  • he’s not grateful for the gift you’ve already forked out for and expected you to keep paying not only for him, but for the rounds of drinks for everyone else,
  • he goes to clear his head, i.e. sulk, rather than supporting you by going to his family and letting them know its not on for them to expect you to be forking out so much for a “treat from them”
  • his family are piss takers who want the glory of “treating” their son to a trip away but are relying on you to fund it.

Or maybe he did realise it was going to be unaffordable, but is unable to stand up to his family to say “I can’t afford it”

MissLadyM · 05/10/2019 13:09

Seriously take the money and run! His money word are not your problem. He hasn't stood up for you to his horrific family. Seriously, you're well out if it.

HerkyBaby · 05/10/2019 13:13

Give the man some dignity and accept the money and then leave without a backward glance.

GraceVanPelt · 05/10/2019 13:13

Take the money and get on the train!

Wonkybanana · 05/10/2019 13:13

OP stop trying to be nice and thinking about how other people are going to feel. Because you're the only one who's doing any of that.

He owes you money, why not take it? And does it matter if they call you all the names under the sun after you've left? You don't need to have any contact with them ever again.

Definitely leave. The longer you stay, the more you'll be expected to pick up the tab for.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 05/10/2019 13:14

I also think that you should take the money and leave. See if you can get a last minute flight or just get the train as soon as possible. I think some thinking time apart is needed so you can decide what happens next.

amiapropermum · 05/10/2019 13:15

An ex-fiancé used to get really narky and shout at me after he'd had too much to drink. He gave up drink for a while after the first time and his family behaved as though I were a miserable killjoy spoiling all his fun. I do think I should have left after the first time because giving in just showed him I'd accept it.

If I were you I'd leave know and you can talk about your relationship next week.

LizB62A · 05/10/2019 13:15

I think you should take the money and go.
That at least gets you out of such a toxic environment - you're not going to enjoy the rest of the weekend and, if you stay, you may well end up spending more than the cost of the train home,

I might have missed it in all the posts, but is it possible to change your plane ticket to a flight today? You might be able to do it for a change fee which might be less than the cost of the train.

Get home and get your head clear about what happens next

Good luck !

UndertheCedartree · 05/10/2019 13:16

I would be angry with your BF by not being an adult and sorting this himself. My expectation would be that hotel and travel woukd ve covered but spending money would need to be brought. Your BF had 6 months to save up. However in the situation he didn't save anything he would need to either be speaking to his parents as to if they could cover or loan him his spending money or asked you. But he did nothing except act entitled and childish and therefore everyone else should cover his spending money.

I would also be annoyed that you were asked to pay for the hotel when this wasn't mentioned before and his DP expectation that you would pay for him.

YANBU

MoreProseccoNow · 05/10/2019 13:24

I'd take the money & leave as well.

It's his problem if he needs to use an overdraft, not yours.

HighNetGirth · 05/10/2019 13:24

Take the money and run.

BlueChangeling · 05/10/2019 13:24

I'd stay, but would suggest to DP we go to McDonald's for dinner and the cinema for entertainment, instead of an other expensive night out. I don't know if I could stomach sitting across a table from his parents.

To be fair, it could be possible he has told them you're happy to pay for his spends and that's why they're expecting you to pony up when the bills come.

Once home I'd have some serious thinking as to whether I thought the relationship had any legs.

ThatCurlyGirl · 05/10/2019 13:27

Glad you're standing your ground OP. Get that money back to at least go towards your trip home!

ThatLibraryMiss · 05/10/2019 13:34

Can you get a cheaper journey with the ticketysplit app or a website like Raileasy?

DoingWhatWorks · 05/10/2019 13:35

Why is he doing rounds if he's broke? Confused I know you're upset but I'd grin and bare it until Monday and then leave. It'd be mean to dump him and ruin his milestone birthday. His parents are more at fault here than him.

CustardySergeant · 05/10/2019 13:37

Elodie2019 Do you live with him?

It clearly says in the opening post "We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to"

fedup21 · 05/10/2019 13:40

Where did the £150 come from? Is that the money you gave him?

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 13:43

His overdraft or his birthday being sad isnr your problem

He signed you up for an expensive weekend away at your expense. He didnt care enough to think about that being your problem.

OP, honestly, why are you being so soft. It really seems like you are talking yourself round into thinking he isnt that bad really. And that it will all be ok. It wont be.

He didnr give shit about the pressure he was putting on you. He expected you to just pay up and shut up.

Marmozet · 05/10/2019 13:46

Take the money he owes and use it for the train back home and get the hell out of there!

IncrediblySadToo · 05/10/2019 13:46

For god sake - take the money

RandomMess · 05/10/2019 13:47

Do the sights of Newcastle that are free rather than waste money getting home early, eat out cheap etc.

Thanks
weeblefeet · 05/10/2019 13:49

If you go home then his parents have to pay for him (if he genuinely can't pay for himself). Fuck em, I'd be at the station already