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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 05/10/2019 12:41

What an odd situation, and what an awkward one for you, @Stfrancescof. I think it depends on the 'milestone' as to what he has thought; if it was 21 - well that's still young and he probably thought the bank of mum and dad would pay. If it's 30 then he should know better really. Does he live at home with his parents?

What is he off sick with - six months is a long time. Perhaps anxiety? If he lives alone how is he paying his bills?

If I were you I would go off and do my own thing. In fact just listening to the Geordie accent would be enough for me - best accent in the world. (And I have a Black Country one, so i know about accents!)

Good luck OP.

Thelistwizard · 05/10/2019 12:42

Whereabouts do you stay op?

Elodie2019 · 05/10/2019 12:45

Has he now got your money OP?
To spend for the rest of the weekend?
Get it back.
Tell him you need it for your return journey.

He should never have gone away. To the person who said:
Now that’s a load of cobblers. While I agree that he sounds like a bit of a prat, but being sick does not prevent people from going on a break.
Being on the sick and having no money prevents people from going away.

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 12:45

Can't say I blame you.

The rest of the weekend would have been excruciating.

BuildBuildings · 05/10/2019 12:45

Are you supposed to be flying home tomorrow? I'd stay but stay in the room or do my own thing and not let this cost any more money. Last minute trains are so expensive.

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 05/10/2019 12:45

Are you all booked on the same flight? I'd go and get a hotel room of my own for tonight if you were flying back tomorrow anyway. Just check into the flight online and book a seat next to one already taken so you know you aren't sitting by them. (They don't sound like people who would check in early online )

Troilusworks · 05/10/2019 12:45

Well done Stfrancescof. It won't seem like this now but you're saving yourself an awful lot of money and heartache going forward. You can have compassion for him but that doesn't mean taking over all his problems to solve.

Women are trained to look after others and it's partly why we end up with these unsatisfactory relationships. But we need to put ourselves first. Otherwise you will end up as someone's mother rather than their partner!

fedup21 · 05/10/2019 12:47

How much money have you ‘lent’ him?

HerkyBaby · 05/10/2019 12:47

The expense of running for the hills now will be NOTHING compared to the emotional and financial expense of staying with him. He is need of good parents who see his situation and help him accordingly, not a girlfriend .

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 12:48

Sorry for not giving more details, I don't want to out myself! He was off sick for 2 months and is fully recovered. I am still sitting in the hotel room not knowing what to do. He has got 150 quid out of the bank - he is 600 into his overdraft and it's 4 weeks till his next pay day - he wants to give it to me but I don't feel I can accept it

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 12:49

I know of course I should and get the next train

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 05/10/2019 12:49

Take the money he owes you.

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 12:55

So has he already spent the cash you gave him.

What happened when you put down your half of the restaurant bill - did he just sit on his hands? That would be my cue.

Elodie2019 · 05/10/2019 12:56

Did you give him £150? He's got it out of the bank and wants to give it to you?
If so, take it and tell him to go and tell his parents that he has come on the trip with NO MONEY.
They can lend him some if they like.
Bloody hell.

Elodie2019 · 05/10/2019 12:57

Do you live with him?

flouncyfanny · 05/10/2019 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Apparentlychilled · 05/10/2019 12:58

Take the money. His finances are not your responsibility.

rookiemere · 05/10/2019 12:58

Take the money he owes you OP. If you stay what are the plans for the rest of the weekend? Can you do sightseeing with your DP and eat in McDonalds or will you be expected to put in double share for you and DP at dinner.
He needs to talk to his DPs and tell them that he thought it was a birthday treat and they can't expect you to pay his share. If they refuse to pay for him, then it's Do your own thing rather than a family trip.

Bucatini · 05/10/2019 12:58

If he gives it you the money OP, does that mean you would continue to pay for his share to put up a front to his parents? In which case, why can't he just use the money to pay himself? Or is the money to pay you back what you've already spent?

BarbedBloom · 05/10/2019 12:58

Take the money and go home. It sounds as though the relationship is done anyway so doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you. He is an adult and it is up to him to go and speak to his parents about his overdraft. You aren't responsible for any of this mess. Alternatively, get another cheap hotel room and go back on flight home, just ask to change seats so you aren't sat together.

Zebraaa · 05/10/2019 12:59

How is he being with you? Upset? Apologetic? Embarrassed? Could he return to work but doesn’t want to? I think people are building him up to be a CF monster.

Fuzzywuzzywuzzy · 05/10/2019 13:01

Take the money OP and go home.

You need to be out of there.

Supersimkin2 · 05/10/2019 13:02

Right....so he's plenty able to pay for himself after all?

He just doesn't want to get any money out of the ATM?

PrettyPurse · 05/10/2019 13:02

@Stfrancescof - so how did he think he would fund the weekend? He must have had some idea

Sindragosan · 05/10/2019 13:04

You're not his mother. Its not up to you to manage him, his life, his finances, his family relationships etc.

Look at the past 18m and however much you've spent as a long and expensive learning curve and move on to hopefully better things. In the long term you'll be much happier without a man child.