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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
ymf117 · 05/10/2019 11:45

Just leave, he has had 6 months to avoid all of this and hasn't.

How old is he OP?

BloggersBlog · 05/10/2019 11:48

I would stay and go to the cinema for the afternoon, alone. Chocs, drinks, popcorn, no one annoying me ....bliss. And cheaper than subsiding a CFBF or spending out of a train ticket!

RubbingHimSourly · 05/10/2019 11:48

God how humiliating for him.

We're taking our DD away as her 21st present this year. We're far from flush with money but we've made it clear we'll be covering all costs. His parents sound awful.

cheeseandpineapple · 05/10/2019 11:48

Thanks @Paddy1234, I meant stick it out rather than sick it out but suspect you figured that out!

Pinkypurple35 · 05/10/2019 11:54

We had a very heated conversation about how he expected to fund the weekend and what transpired was that effectively he hadnt thought about
That is a crap half arsed lie. Of course he thought about it, thought someone else would pay for him. This alone would make me want to dump him, it’s the thought process of a 16 year old.

MitziK · 05/10/2019 11:56

Bollocks to being fleeced by a willfully helpless adult male. 'I hadn't thought about how to pay my way'. Bullshit. He is either mentally about seven or what he actually thought about was 'If I say nothing, my Dad and girlfriend will pay for me'.

This isn't on the family, this is on him.

IncrediblySadToo · 05/10/2019 11:59

I am guessing you will forgive him and end up staying together. If you do, I would bet my last £10, that you will end up married and have kids and will realise he is just a cocklodger.

Sadly I agree.

One can only give advice, if people choose to ignore it, there’s not much you can do , unfortunately!

I have family in Newcastle, I’d quite like to send one of them to the hotel to make her see sense! She’s young (at least I hope so, even more baffling if she’s not) ,her whole life ahead of her and even after having it spelt out to her by loads of posters, she’s still CHOOSING to stay.

I’ve made some fuckung stupid decisions in my life and I’m as stubborn as a bloody mule, but I’d like to think if I had 100 people telling me the same thing - I’d listen.

Maybe his cock is made of gold & he knows how to use it...I can’t think of a single other reason to stay with this manchild. Actually that’s an insult to children, I’d expect even a child to behave better than this berk.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/10/2019 12:02

If you haven't taken the whole lump sum back off him, absolutely get it in writing, signed by both of you, how much money you've lent him, and that it is a loan, NOT a gift.
If things go south, you will at least stand some chance of getting the money back through small claims, depending how much it is and if filing a claim is worth it to you to recoup what you can.
He won't be able to play the "but it was a gift for my birthday!" card that way.

I speak from experience of loaning an ex £300 2 months before his birthday, NOT getting it in writing, then him just telling me a few weeks before his birthday that he was just going to have the money i lent him as his birthday present, knowing full well i would never have spent more than £50 on him!

saraclara · 05/10/2019 12:03

It sounds like it was a case of "Lets go to Newcastle for your birthday" as opposed to "we'll pay for you to go to Newcastle for your birthday".
There's been a communication blunder somewhere.

Yep. I think that's the likely scenario. When I was younger and more naive, I got myself into this sort of mess by thinking that someone suggesting an activity for my birthday was actually intending paying for it. I can't remember the exact wording, but to me it sounded like they were treating me, and it turned out that they weren't. Worse still, it was pre-debit cards and ATMs and I hadn't taken anywhere near enough cash with me.

Anotheruser02 · 05/10/2019 12:04

This is the type of moment you look back on after the relationship has finally ended and think 'Fuck it was so obvious, why didn't I leave it then and save myself from another 4 years of propping up a manchild'.

Sockworkshop · 05/10/2019 12:05

This is bizarre.
His parents offered to pay , the OP offered to split the costs of food,drinks etc via a whip (I think this means kitty) and suddenly she is being expected to pay for everything for him? Confused
I suspect he has told his DP that actually OP will pay, hence they are splitting everything in half.
Except he assumed and didnt discuss with the OP.
OP how old is he ?
How has he been managing while off sick ?

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 05/10/2019 12:12

Sorry, OP, I'm afraid I think you are being very silly if you are not leaving him to it now and never seeing him (or his family) again. As a pp said, get him to sign and date confirmation that you have loaned him money which you expect him to transfer to your bank account in full by a certain date. Then if needs must, take him to the small claims court later, if that is possible.

Troilusworks · 05/10/2019 12:13

Many years ago I was in a situation where I found myself misled by a weekend away. It was not about money but about other things. I let myself stay until I lost my rag and completely embarrassed myself. I've always regretted not leaving and keeping my dignity.

You would not regret leaving, he's with his family after all, but you might regret staying OP.

Did this man and his family feel bad about putting you in this invidious position? And HE knows you've already splashed out on him with a present even if his family don't, so to expect you to pay out for his spends on top is completely unreasonable.

Sometimes cutting your losses is the better move. Look at the sunk costs fallacy.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/10/2019 12:13

Im going to assume the milestone birthday is 30+
seems 18 or even 21 in this climate would be too young for the kind of relationship op describes with not living together or sharing finances but it sounding like neither lives with their own parents.

Fcukthisshit · 05/10/2019 12:18

What a horrible situation to be in. I’d fake illness and go home otherwise you’re going to end up spending a fortune.

supersop60 · 05/10/2019 12:22

You've had an almighty row with him, packed your bags - if you back down now you're basically saying it's ok for you to be treated like this. It really isn't.
It's a common phrase on MN - you have a DP problem.
Terrible lack of communication all round (on their part)
Sorry OP, I don't think this relationship has legs. Go home. Stuff his birthday - you've already celebrated it with him, haven't you?

yabadabadontdoit · 05/10/2019 12:23

OP why is he on sick? If it is anxiety/depression this makes more sense. Thinking ahead, planning etc can be too much, especially if you’re ill enough to be off work. How is he day to day with planning etc?

To me, if you are with him and know these are issues, it’s different to if these aren’t issues, and he’s ill with something physical.

I’m not making excuses, just looking at it from that point of vie.

user1493494961 · 05/10/2019 12:25

Let him go, he's a loser.

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 12:30

If it is anxiety/depression this makes more sense. Thinking ahead, planning etc can be too much, especially if you’re ill enough to be off work. How is he day to day with planning etc?

I am sorry, but as someone with anxiety and depression. This is bollocks. You dont drop a massive bill on your girlfriends lap and have a get out clause because you have depression and anxiety.

I get slightly fed up of people acting really badly then people piping up with depression as a possible excuse for it.

DiscoDown · 05/10/2019 12:37

I have anxiety, I'd have been worrying about the money as soon as the trip was mentioned if I wasn't working! Most people with anxiety or depression manage not to be arseholes to everyone around them, please don't put all bad behaviour down to that.

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 12:38

Thanks all. Update is we went for a walk and I'm looking at trains home. Many hours and expensive doesn't look as though even if I do a coach the last two legs.

I'm very upset tbh - thank you for all support

OP posts:
Troilusworks · 05/10/2019 12:40

Exactly DiscoDown. I'd be more anxious rather than less.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 05/10/2019 12:40

Agree with @Hesafriendfromwork

Anxiety/depression doesn't always stop you working and certainly doesn't stop you thinking for yourself/others

To be honest I think it's more his parents fault than his. They are the ones who arranged and booked it without having a discussion with you regarding how the costs would be split. It's the sort of thing my DH would do - book somewhere and not think about how things gets paid for (I earn more so invariably I end up paying the larger share especially for things he just doesn't think about eg petrol in the car)

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 05/10/2019 12:40

What an awful situation and waste of time and money for you .
Will you get the money back from him ?

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 05/10/2019 12:41

Wouldn't it be cheaper for you to get your own hotel for the night - if you are there for the weekend is your flight back tomorrow?

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