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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 11:07

They are cheeky toxic fuckers and I want out. Leaving today which is the day before his birthday is likely to cause an absolute shit storm of upset for bf which I don't want him to go through.

No, he is. He is the one that did this. Of course he thought about it. He thought you would pay and didnt tell you because he thought you wouldnt dare say no.

He doesnt what you to go because there goes his meal ticket for the weekend.

I am betting he has had this full conversation with his parents and told them 'we will pay xyz'.m when he meant 'she will pay'.

If you want out, why would you stay?

He is taking the absolute piss out of you, why is him not feeling upset on his birthday a priority? When he has tried to manipulate you into paying a weekend away for him?

I am guessing you will forgive him and end up staying together. If you do, I would bet my last £10, that you will end up married and have kids and will realise he is just a cocklodger.

Snowy111 · 05/10/2019 11:08

The situation has been caused by lack of communication and him not thinking things through and planning ahead.

Stress levels are high and you have rowed.

He needs to pay his way and ask his parents (not you) for a loan to get through the weekend

Then have a nice weekend, learn from this for future events, and decide if you want to continue the relationship when you get home

Why do people arrange things for others/celebrations which cost an unnecessary fortune? It’s selfish and thoughtless but people do it all the time, and it can be miserable when you don’t expect to spend so much

yellowallpaper · 05/10/2019 11:09

I'd be on the next train home. Shocking treatment by his parents and cowardly treatment from him.

Marmozet · 05/10/2019 11:09

Just leave quietly without notifying any of the family. That way you could have some dignity.

doublebarrellednurse · 05/10/2019 11:09

"I didn't think about it" is surely just code for "I realise now I've been a cheeky fucker but presumed everyone else would pay for me".

I'd want to fuck right off out of there if I was his girlfriend

Pinkyyy · 05/10/2019 11:11

How much money have you transferred him and how are you expecting him to pay it back? I don't understand why you did this. You can absolutely refuse to pay for him. Lending to someone who has no means to repay is incredibly stupid.

milveycrohn · 05/10/2019 11:15

I found this very interesting, and I am sure I am not the only one who has been in a similar situation, (though not quite like this) whereby I found myself unexpectedly encumbered with the cost.
Once this particular weekend, relationship has been resolved, please treat this as a learning curve.
In future, in any similar circumstances, whether friend, partner, etc ascertain who is paying well in advance and make sure you include travel, (flight, or train tickets), hotel, meals, days out). Then you can decide whether it is affordable or not.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/10/2019 11:16

I agree with pps, he isn’t your partner, he is a boyfriend. Very weird of his parents to not clarify what they are or are not expecting to pay for.
I expect he is embarrassed, perhaps feeling low anyway about lack of money and the ill health that has led to that.
I would ask him to clarify the situation with his parents. He can’t be expected to rack up debt at the moment. The sensible thing would have been for him to be crystal clear about his finances before agreeing to go, did he spell this out to them at all ?
Do you get the impression that they expect to pay half the room cost only ?

SirVixofVixHall · 05/10/2019 11:16

I would also be tempted to go home, let him celebrate with his family, and then do something with him at a later date.

OkayGo · 05/10/2019 11:18

There is absolutely no way that he did not think about it. He assumed that you or someone else would pay for him. He’s actually lying to you there.

ThatCurlyGirl · 05/10/2019 11:19

The not thinking about it before the trip is a dick move on his part.

He either assumed his parents would pay to the extent he had no back up plan.

And then would rather you be hugely out of pocket and cover him, rather than asking them to help.

Or he assumed you would pay and had no back up plan. And didn't even bother to have a conversation about it because he was so sure you'd just do it.

He sounds at best immature and lazy, at worst entitled and disrespectful.

Neither option is one I'd want to be in a relationship!

stanski · 05/10/2019 11:22

Well OP that would piss me off too. It shouldn't fall on you to fund this. £350 just for hotel is not a little sum - add to that food / drinks / travel etc and it escalates quickly. He should have had a plan B in place

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/10/2019 11:28

I mentally stalled at they changed the treat from Rome to Newcastle (apologies to all from Newcastle - but REALLY??!)

Have to agree Bloggers - I'm from the North East and love the place - and yes there's lots to see etc - but at this time of year and in this sort of weather (almost constant rain, and even worse predicted for tomorrow) it can be grim, even if you are in the company of people you really love to be with.

PotterHead1985 · 05/10/2019 11:29

Id deffo ask for your money back. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. He didn't think. Now he can ask his family for money. If you split after this you'll never see a penny of that money. Heck even if you stay together I'd say you won't see it.

cansmellfreedom · 05/10/2019 11:30

You’re already there just enjoy the hotel and let the parents pay for the whole birthday meal tomorrow . Tell him to communicate with them that you’re both skint. If he doesn’t then consider ending the relationship

NorthEndGal · 05/10/2019 11:30

I wouldn't be able to stomach looking across the table at his parents. Home I'd go!

Lobsterbiscuits · 05/10/2019 11:32

If you're going to stay I think a quiet word is needed. I do wonder if the frosty silence over the hotel was because they expected to pay it in full? Unlikely but maybe?

GrimalkinsCrone · 05/10/2019 11:35

I find ut odd that people are suggesting lying excuses such as illness, or family illness. Do they really think others are stupid enough to believe you are suddenly sick, or an unheard-of relative needs you to rush to them? Just adds another layer of dishonesty to the mess.
If you decide to leave, just calmly say that it wasn’t what you expected, and you are going home.
I’m sorry that this has turned out such a disaster for you.

katewhinesalot · 05/10/2019 11:36

So he either borrows the money from his parents and apologises profusely to you or he agrees to free sightseeing and sandwiches for the rest of the holiday. The bottom line is you can't afford to subsidise him.

Or you realise that someone with this lack of foresight isn't for you and you go home.
Much of it depends on his response now.

StroppyWoman · 05/10/2019 11:38

OP, the weekend is already a write-off. I can’t imagine how the atmosphere recovers from this situation.
Get yourself on a train home and buy yourself a bloody big G&T. You deserve some space here.

Drum2018 · 05/10/2019 11:39

I would also be tempted to go home, let him celebrate with his family, and then do something with him at a later date

Ya, dump him! She's already given him his present. Why would she want to fork out more money to do something with him at a later date?

Lllot5 · 05/10/2019 11:40

You’ve been asked a couple of times how old he is op.
All of them sound like takers to me you’ll be better off out of it.

AwdBovril · 05/10/2019 11:41

If you stay & put up with his / their behaviour & attitude towards your finances, things will not get better. This is evidently just the way they are.

Longdistance · 05/10/2019 11:43

I would like to know why he’s been off sick for so long?

LoveGrowsWhere · 05/10/2019 11:43

I would stay or go depending upon whether he now, before next meal out, has a chat with his parents about his understanding that they would be picking up the bill for his birthday weekend (as that was how it started with Rome suggestion). He can explain to them that as you have separate finances he never imagined you would be expected to pay.