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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/10/2019 10:43

We had a very heated conversation about how he expected to fund the weekend and what transpired was that effectively he hadnt thought about

See it's this thats off-putting about a partner. He just didn't think about it and that isn't very encouraging about a long term thing. My ex was like that, he just assumed other people would take care of it. It's not attractive.

GaraMedouar · 05/10/2019 10:44

I’d ask for the cash back that you’ve given him. Was it a lot? And then leave.

Seaweed42 · 05/10/2019 10:44

Why is he on statutory sick leave? What age is he?
It's the deeper family dynamic you have to look at here. It won't change anytime soon. His mother takes responsibility and control of everything. She treats her son like a child. Therefore he will continue to take the 'victim' of circumstances role in life.
His mother expects any new woman in her son's life to treat him likewise. Her son is the 'baby' that doesn't need to worry about anything because there will always be someone to notice what he needs and provide it for him. She enables him to be disempowered to make any decisions for himself.
No one can have two masters. Your boyfriend has only one master and it's not you.

cheeseandpineapple · 05/10/2019 10:46

OP this is a blessing in disguise. You should exit this relationship or at the very least have a frank discussion when you’re back about how it needs to work going forward. In the meantime you’ve come up with a great solution by lending him the money so he can then pay you back fully.

Sick it out and keep the moral high ground by knowing you’re going to deal with it constructively when you get back.

notapizzaeater · 05/10/2019 10:47

Has he no money spare ?

Tbh he should really have sorted it out before - why can't he talk to his parents and suggest cheaper options that he can contribute ?

Paddy1234 · 05/10/2019 10:47

Cheeseandpineapple
Completely agree
❤️

vdbfamily · 05/10/2019 10:47

I think this is a major communication breakdown between him and his parents. They offered to treat him but failed to say it was just the flight. Surely they know he is unemployed?
I feel sorry foir him to be honest. It is a milestone birthday for him tomorrow and the woman he loves has raged at him. However HE needs to man up and speak to his parents and tell them that they offered to treat him and if they are withdrawing that offer, because he is broke, then the 2 of you will return home early and do something you can afford to celebrate.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/10/2019 10:47

How come he's on SSP when he's well enough to go away on a jolly for the week-end?

Can you tell us about the last date he took you on?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/10/2019 10:48

So, the idea of the weekend came about, then his family said, "Oh, his gf will pay for him."

Then bf said, "Oh, gf will pay for me."

Then neither actually asked you how much you would want to contribute because they just assumed you would fund him.

No, fuck that! Go home.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 05/10/2019 10:50

How come he's on SSP when he's well enough to go away on a jolly for the week-end?

Now that’s a load of cobblers. While I agree that he sounds like a bit of a prat, but being sick does not prevent people from going on a break.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/10/2019 10:51

Now that’s a load of cobblers. While I agree that he sounds like a bit of a prat, but being sick does not prevent people from going on a break.

I'm not talking about other people, i'm talking about the OPs partner.

LittleDancers · 05/10/2019 10:51

YANBU.

GlitteredAcorns · 05/10/2019 10:52

We had a very heated conversation about how he expected to fund the weekend and what transpired was that effectively he hadnt thought about

How old is this manchild?

ThatCurlyGirl · 05/10/2019 10:53

For the sake of not having to have a big drama, I would tell him the truth that I'm going home because I'm really upset at all of this but I'd agree with him a pretend reason so you don't have to play the bad guy.

Otherwise they'll likely bitch about you and if you do decide to stay with him (I wouldn't!) then there's bad blood between you and his family.

So I'd tell him that you are going to say a family member is sick so you need to go home, tell them to enjoy the rest of the weekend BYE.

Then you've got some breathing room back home until he gets back and you can decide what you want to do then.

Drum2018 · 05/10/2019 10:53

Op take back the money you gave him and just go. A long term relationship with him is a dismal prospect if he can't afford to pay for his meals and a few cocktails. I'd have no issue telling his mother that you were not aware that you were supposed to finance his expenses for the weekend and that it is unacceptable seeing as you'd already given him his birthday present. What do you care what they think if you go home? You'll never have to see them again if you dump him.

Dljlr · 05/10/2019 10:54

The relationship is over though surely - may as well just leave now than put yourself through a miserable weekend where he pays with your money and his mother presumably shoots you dirty looks for not funding her little boy. How can you respect a man who expects to live off other people? 'Not thinking about' how to pay for oneself means assuming others will pay for you. Foul. I just wouldn't be able to stay.

Wafflecopter · 05/10/2019 10:56

What’s the milestone birthday? I’m assuming at least 30+?
If that’s the case, then he should be grown up enough to have some sort of head about his personal finances and capabilities without expecting his girlfriend to pick up his tab, and if he doesn’t then it’s not someone you want to be mixing finances with in future.
If it’s a younger milestone (18/21st) I’d be off like a shot, it’ll only get worse.
My ex and his family were CF’ers with money, they expected me to pick up his share when we went anywhere as he wasn’t working. I was young and naive and never saw a penny back that I ‘leant’ him.

Africa2go · 05/10/2019 10:56

Why does everyone assume family thought GF was paying and mother was treating him as a precious little baby? Circumstances suggest the exact opposite - the parents thought he'd pay his own spends.

Its the BF thats at fault.

bluebeck · 05/10/2019 10:59

OP, I can tell you honestly that going home is the best thing for you to do now.

If you don't, you will look back and think "what the fuck did I stay for?"

Get out of Dodge!!!!

Bucatini · 05/10/2019 10:59

But if the parents thought he would pay for himself, and they know him to be skint, then how did they think that would work? Unless the bf has not been honest with his parents about being on ssp?

Pinkyyy · 05/10/2019 11:00

What a shit situation. OP see it as a blessing in disguise and cut your losses. People don't change and you'll be setting your self up for months/years of paying for him. Go home tomorrow.

Africa2go · 05/10/2019 11:02

Bucanti - because he's a grown man and even on SSP he should be able to pay for a few meals and some drinks. And if he couldnt, then he should have been mature enough to say he couldnt and not gone.

burnoutbabe · 05/10/2019 11:04

Don't go home, why should this cost you extra money.
Ask him to leave the hotel room and stay elsewhere. You go back on your paid for flight. A last minute train journey back to London will cost loads.
Only way to rescue this is if boyfriend agrees to a cheap rest of weekend ie cuts his cloth according to means. Sone free sightseeing and sandwiches for meals. That would be the grown up thing to do if no cash.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 05/10/2019 11:04

Let him keep the money its a price well paid to be shot of this useless fool and his family....Move on OP you don;t need this in your life.You are a decent human being who should be treated with respect not a bloody mini bank....

Slappadabass · 05/10/2019 11:07

So they offered to take him on a break as a treat for his birthday but then expected you to pay for it, so basically you are paying for their present to their son, what a pair of cheeky fuckers, they are taking the absolute piss out of you.
It seems like your OH expected them to foot the bill too and is now in the awkward position of needing either you, or his parents to foot the bill. Obviously he should have taken it up with his parents instead of leaving you to pay for everything and have the awkward conversations about payments.
His parents, his problem.