To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

[Freefalling2]

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

Astounded there are people that think this is a big ask

They're a bunch of dicks op. I don't blame you for being pissed off.

@FieldsOf must have been a Freudian slip 😂

Keep the money, book a spa hotel for the night instead

Yaaay the Famous MN spa-day

Then throw in the time factor, the nights not just a night. You're leaving mid afternoon not back until near enough lunch time the next day. That's a lot of time away especially if you are working full-time.

So? Is that weekend the only weekend left in these people's lives? 52 weekends a year, I bet a large proportion of those are spent sitting on their sofas with their DC and DH scoffing takeaways and chocolate, is it too much to ask that for one weekend we donate our precious time to a friend, like how often does that person ask? I would imagine never.
So what if you then only have Sunday for family time and then have to go to back to work on Monday, is it really going to be that hard to suck up and just get on with it?

This is why I've never bothered to do drinks/meals etc for my birthday with people because it's so frustrating trying to organise people when they don't reply/keep it open without a yes or no/pull out etc. It's so rude!

I've always opted for a meal out with my dp and that's nice.

OP I'd keep the money (I assume it would be around 150/200 pounds? Then go and treat yourself for your birthday. A nice pair of boots? A nice new coat? Several nice bottles of gin? 😜

Go treat yourself....

So rude. Be sure not to go to theirs, cancel last minute
Ask the remaining friend if she's still up for it and go if she is.
If not treat yourself now, or another day.

Get the 50% refund. Reimburse anyone fully who has not pulled out (you and one other?) and split the rest back to the others. Don't sink as low as them.

Totally feel for you. I am the same as you and this why I don't ever organise things.

YANBU to be upset, you're really not. THey've behaved very badly and the only good thing is that you won't be out of pocket over it.

I'm not sure about keeping the money - if any of them check up on the refundable situation and find out that you've done that, it wouldn't be pleasant for you - but you could maybe only give them back £15 each instead of the £25, if you really wanted to keep some of it for a treat.

If they were genuinely any kind of friend, they'd say "oh you keep it, sorry I messed up your birthday plans" anyway. And if they didn't say that, well that tells you a lot (unless they're in financial dire straits themselves, but from your description of them spending £60 on a night out, it doesn't seem that way).

I know how you feel - I've never had a huge amount of success with parties for myself either - but this is a really BAD one.

Hi OP,

You're not alone having experienced this. As a lot of PPs have commented, having 'friends' drop out at the last minute for an event that's important to you is something a lot of us have experienced, and it's upsetting, thoughtless, and makes us question whether we have any 'true' friends at all.

But the important thing to realise here is that this is a reflection on them, not you. I'm not saying people don't have genuine reasons to cancel last minute, but in this case, it would appear they haven't, and that's a reflection of their poor character, not your worthiness to spend time with, and they don't deserve a friend like you.

Having been in similar situations myself and being really hurt by it, I just wanted to say it's not you, take a deep breath, and like others have suggested, still have the night away and pamper yourself a little. I hope you still have a fabulous birthday

Xx

Sorry OP - sending some birthday flowers etc 💐💐🎂🎁🎉🍾🥂🎇🎆🎈

I see the bitch pack has called. Wonder how many friends you have?

OP, is there enough time to think of something fun with non-flaky friend?

Where is the OP?

Horrible but common thing to happen, can't believe some pp suggesting a nice book and a takeaway or night in with a 3 year old as a substitute for night away with 7 friends. People are flakey though, too easy to cancel, please try not to take it personally it happens to so many of us

I loathe spa days, what is the obsession with suggesting spa and 'pamper' days on here - ugh....

I'm cancelling it.

Friend who hadn't cancelled phoned me half an hour ago. She's had an appointment come through for outpatient surgery the day before (previous patirmt cancelled I guess for it to come through so close o the date) so she doesn't think she'll be up for it. Obviously I wouldn't expect her to cancel the surgery but equally it's minor (think having stitches) so I'm not sure she would have cancelled if everyone else hadn't. She didn't even want to just come for food. But at least she had the balls to phone me with a decent excuse. At least she didn't humiliate me in front of everyone.

That leaves on the fence person who won't be up for it now. I've messaged her to double check.

Money wise, I refuse to be out of pocket so I'm keeping the money I've already paid. That's my room, a couple of bottles of wine and a new pair of trousers that I've stupidly taken the tags off but will never really have the opportunity to wear and only bought them for the night out because I literally had nothing else to wear. That's £90.

The last thing I need is my mum adding to the humiliation so I'm going to lie and tell her I'm ill and make sure I look rotten. I'm also going to send myself a surprise bunch of flowers to arrive when she is here from my "friends" saying they are looking forward to reorganizing. That will come to about £30 I guess. That will also be coming out of the refund.

I'll tell them I'm keeping the money I've already paid so I'm not out of pocket because of them.

Everything else I'll refund. They have assumed it's non-refunable so they aren't expecting anything anyway.

And as I was typing that, final friend messaged "I'm sorry. I didn't think it was going ahead now so have agreed to work".

Fuck the lot of them. Have daughter's dancing lessons now so I am doing my best not to cry.

I won't be posting on here again. I'm humilated and so upset.

😥

Thank you for the kind words though and I'm sorry so many of you have also been let down. X

Oh Freefalling2 I'm so sorry.

Oh no. What crap friends.

@Freefalling2, I’m so sorry.
Your friends are shit. A lot of people are nowadays.
But it has nothing to do with you as a person.

I wish people would stop ‘double booking’ themselves or saying yes with the idea they can till pull out at the last minute. It’s rude and it’s hurtful.

And then people go really und ons ring why there isn’t a tight community to support you anymore or why so many people are feeling lonely/isolated.

People definitely say yes to things but with a view to changing it to no without a second thought. Having stuff booked in with it though is particularly shitty.

I’m so sorry, their behaviour sounds really thoughtless and I’m not surprised you’re feeling hurt and let down, I would be too.

A friend did similar to me last year. I’m a single parent and rarely get to go out. But family offered to have my daughter overnight so I could have an entire 24 hours off the weekend around my birthday. So my friend and I booked a restaurant we’d wanted to go to for ages and planned to go to a cocktail bar afterwards. On the day at around 3pm I had a text from her complaining about the rainy weather. A few hours later she pulled out- she’d just started seeing someone and basically said she didn’t want to leave his ‘as it’s so windy and rainy out and my hair will be a nightmare’. So she spent the weekend at his instead. Two days later she left flowers on my doorstep apologising but I already felt pretty shit by then.

I hope you can find something else to do that makes you smile x

Please don't feel humiliated. So many of us have had experiences like this and can feel so alone. You are not on your own on this. It totally sucks. I have given up on birthdays. I'm quite shy and wouldn't want to ask friends to do something for my birthday and my DH manages to fuck it up every year which makes me feel awful. Have decided zero expectations is best course of action. Treat yourself to something nice. This will pass and one day there will be someone in your life who makes you feel less alone. Good luck and sending a hug.