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Original poster

To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

347 replies

Freefalling2 · 05/10/2019 01:12

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 05/10/2019 09:09

I would return their money TBH .You dont want them to find out later on and hold it against you !

Dongdingdong · 05/10/2019 09:09

Agree with others that it is a lot easier to cancel these days unfortunately - all you need to do is fire off a quick text and it’s done. I think it has made people a lot more flaky.

dimsum123 · 05/10/2019 09:10

Agree with pp, so easy to cancel now with WhatsApp rather than having to make a phone call.

I can completely understand how hurt and disappointed you must be OP. But this happens to all of us, so it's not you or that your friends are particularly rubbish. It's just the way now. Sad

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 05/10/2019 09:12

But Tatiana kids is no excuse ... if you're invited to a night away you either want to go or don't. If you do you look into child care and then commit or not. I have of course assumed that people had adequate notice to do this, clear expectations of cost and times, budget £ etc Smile But as an adult I would, you know, find this information out as soon as possible because I'm not an idiot.

If close to the time there's an emergency/family issue that prevents you attending that's understandable. It's pretty crap to suddenly be unable to leave your child for one night.

I wouldn't treat a friend and a significant birthday celebration like this.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 05/10/2019 09:13

Yes, modern messaging makes this behaviour easier if your a flaky bugger to begin with!

PhilCornwall1 · 05/10/2019 09:14

I'd certainly return the money, it's not right to keep it. If they find out there was a refund, it could open a whole other can of worms.

I'd then just leave the group chat and not bother responding to the ones that have let you down.

With the money returned a line can be drawn under the whole episode in a clean way.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 05/10/2019 09:15

I am a veteran of cancel-themed parties. Which is why I don't bother. These days I plan to do something fun like a weekend trip to the beach or water sports with the option of people to come along. Flaky friends suck. I don't have that many.

Since I stopped making the effort of being the one who organises things, I have rather fewer but better quality friends. Think of stuff that's fun to do on your own. Your true friends will be known by their actions, most people have fewer friends than they think.

MarshaBradyo · 05/10/2019 09:16

People do need to think about the reality of night away rather than sound keen.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 05/10/2019 09:16

And keep the money like other PP's say. Fuck them.

SandraOhshair · 05/10/2019 09:22

Keep the money but spend in on a posh night out with who ever didn't cancel. See if you can get a double room instead. Make sure loyal friend does not lose out though.

Fizzypoo · 05/10/2019 09:22

Keep the money, book a spa hotel for the night instead. If you're other friend is still up for it then you'll both have a lovely time there instead.

Take wine and a book with you. Book a treatment, relax, gossip and eat chocolate with your friend.

Have a lovely birthday. I'd leave your shitty friends group chat after this and just be polite if you ever see them again. Ice queen polite.

TatianaLarina · 05/10/2019 09:22

I wouldn’t renege personally, but I wouldn’t have said yes in the first place because I couldn’t be arsed.

I wouldn’t ask friends to do what the OP planned because it’s not very convenient. And adding everything up, quite expensive.

TatianaLarina · 05/10/2019 09:23

^ that was to tellme

Hey1256 · 05/10/2019 09:26

Gosh this type of posts makes me hate peoples and wonder at times why I have friends too. You're not alone OP I have soooooo many lame ass friends.

I think you'd be wrong to keep their money though. I don't know why but it just doesn't sit well with me.

Is anyone still willing to go? I'd still do it with the few that are as I don't think it's fair on them to cancel the whole thing. Or at least maybe cancel the apartment and just go for a meal with them.

tweedledeedo · 05/10/2019 09:28

Don't keep their money! They'll find out and it's just wrong.

Anyone who doesn't drop out is reimbursed their full costs. The rest get an even split of what is left.

Then rearrange your plans. Do something with the remaining friends that night.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 05/10/2019 09:29

That's fair enough.

I've done a couple of events like this and as I had plenty of notice, could arrange the family around it, could afford it following clear expectations of all £ involved and I wanted to go, I did. it was neither inconvenient and I was able to budget.

If this hadn't been the case I would also have had the balls to politely decline.

WelshMammaofaSlovak · 05/10/2019 09:32

I think you are perfectly within your rights to be upset and I'm really sorry that this happened. I think you should still try to celebrate with the one friend who's up for it and go for dinner and drinks with her - you can decide for yourself if it's better to keep the hotel or not but if you cancel give them the money back but make them collect it.

I also think it's perfectly reasonable to make your plans with the one friend and then tel role how you feel. Say that it's a big birthday, that you were really poking forward to to celebrating and are really upset to have been let down like this and ask them how they would feel in the same situation. Not saying anything just lets them away with their crappy behaviour.

If your one friend also wants to cancel I'd do two things - arrange a treat day with your daughter or use the money you would have spent to go to a spa and get a massage or do something lux that can be done alone. I'd then go into my forties and find some kind of social activity where you can meet new (better and kinder) friends - learn a skill or a language or join a team or a sport club or even take your daughter to something where you'll meet other mums??? Is this a possibility? Look forwards and make this new decade what you want it to be.
Happy birthday xxx

Jeezoh · 05/10/2019 09:33

I’d cancel, give the full amount back to anyone who didn’t cancel and distribute the remaining to those who pulled out. It’s not right to keep all of the money yourself but equally you shouldn’t be out of pocket because others are flaky.

Have they replied to your message yet?

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 05/10/2019 09:35

I'm so sorry to hear about your crap friends. Thanks
Keep their money.
Don't tell your mum it's cancelled and have her babysit
Go out for the evening, cinema, whatever you want.
Sod the lot of them imo

BloggersBlog · 05/10/2019 09:43

Just read the answer that Bel Mooney wrote, a PP posted the link. Hadn't heard of "sadfishing" before but I can see what she says.
Don't put your feelings of being let down out there for everyone to rip apart (probably behind your back after a load of "oh sorry hun" on WhatsApp) people love to make themselves feel better for shitty behaviour by blaming others.
Cancel the room, money back to the flakes, cinema and meal offer for the ones who haven't cancelled

Womaninred · 05/10/2019 09:46

Cancel. But don’t keep money. That’s just dishonest. Pay them back. Say you’re upset they’ve all pulled out so late in day as was looking forward to it. Have night out with either one close pal or partner. And enjoy your birthday.
My kids were young when I had 40th so only managed meal out with pals and colleagues and remember being knackered next day when still up early! 50th was much more fun !

But I know how hard it is for people with young children who just feel exhausted if it’s night away and that weekend gone. Just had much same scenario at wedding and the ones with young kids whilst delighted to have a night off were kind of dreading the Sunday!

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 05/10/2019 09:48

Keep the money and go for a spa thing instead, with or without non-flakey friend.

I'd quite like the adventure with 3 year old in hotel room, but I get that's not your cup of tea. Also I think I'd rather have £175 to treat myself!

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/10/2019 09:49

It would have to be an extremely close friend for me to spend money on an apartment and meal. I don't know how much the whole night would cost, but potentially a lot. If a friend was on the fence it sounds like she felt pressured instead of really wanting to go.

Well they shouldn’t have agreed to go then. Not sure why you assume there was pressure applied. Confused. They’re miserable bitches to have let OP down like this.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 05/10/2019 09:51

And I wouldn't feel guilty, they think it's non-refundable, they flaked. How would they find out, and even if they did they'd have to be cheeky-assed-fuckers to dare to complain.

FieldsOf · 05/10/2019 09:54

@mephisto shooting spree Confused Grin