To not understand how some people allow their dc to be raised in abusive homes?

[laptopscreen]

I really don’t understand it. I can kind of see why some people end up staying in abusive relationships without dc as they just make excuses over and over but with dc I do not understand how the dc aren’t more important than some crappy relationship.
I am genuinely wondering what happens here.Fwiw I was raised in this. And I’m still not understanding how on Earth you don’t put your dc first. Mumsnet seems to highlight this situation over and over again.

Can anyone help me understand? I’m nc Witt my mum now. I’m trying to process everything and tbh I haven’t forgiven my mum for allowing me and siblings to stay in the conditions we were in.

I did and I am beyond ashamed by it, the guilt will never ever leave me. My children are 4 and 2 now. I stayed because he destroyed my self esteem, I truly believed I couldn't cope as a mum without him. I truly believed he would take my children. I truly believed I couldn't survive on our own.

When my children were 2 and 10 weeks the last straw came. He had me pinned to a wall with a knife to my throat. 10 week old was in my arms, 2 year old clinging my leg. I got rid of him that day, I persisted through criminal court and then family court. They haven't seen him since. The day I kicked him out he emptied my bank account and he cut everyone off from me, he convinced them I was a psycho bitch.

I got a lot of support from a very special group of ladies on here and my local children's centres. I owe both with my life.

I will never ever not feel ashamed for what they experienced, I will never erase that guilt. I will never be able to look at my DD and know she saw things no child should ever see. All I can do now is stay strong and continue building our stable future.

I genuinely don't trust myself to pick a nice safe man next time so I have promised myself that why they are children I will not date, I will not allow them to be in that position again.

It is so messed up and complicated that unless you have been chopped away piece by piece, it is impossible to understand.

I removed myself and my child and made damned sure my ex had zero contact with my son. It took a long and gruelling court battle though with three judges. First two were under the impression my son should see his abusive father. The third finally agreed with me. I'd run through fire for my son.
My mother didn't. She just ignored the abuse I received from my step father and refuses to admit it ever happened.

It is easy to talk about "walking away". If you have young children, there is a very real risk that the abuser will be awarded unsupervised direct contact. It's better to stay and be the punching bag than leave and let your kids take over the role, even just part-time. When the kids are older, you can be more confident that they'll get their wishes respected by the authorities. It's not walking away if you can't take the kids completely away from the situation. I absolutely understand why some people cannot leave.

I'm very grateful that my Mum did walk out when I was very little. Travelling across London with a Toddler and a Pram, and returning to her parents and family "in disgrace" and at a very hard time for everyone. But I'm also grateful that whatever the complicated family relationships - they took her and me in and made it work.
And I know my Mum did love him, still missed him for ages, and I don't know exactly what was the final straw.

Also if you are exposing your own children to an abusive situation, you are an abuser. You have a duty to care for them.

Bullshit. They are victims.

If you read some of these posts, some women stay to protect their kids as they have been failed by the courts.

It is interesting how many dc who grew up in this situation are as angry if not angrier with their mothers than the violent men.
It is worth remembering that controlling the family stories is an important part of abusive power.
The lack of worth of the mother and their failures seem more emphasized than those of the father.
But given who had the power in the family to tell the family story this maybe isn't surprising.

This thread is breaking my heart. to all of you, fucking hell.

There’s every help imaginable for single parents.
I wish this were true but it isn't.

• The system of domestic violence shelters that women built has been co-opted to be mixed sex, and cannot cope with demand. 90 women and 90 children are turned away from refuges every day.
• The rape clause that prevents women claiming child benefit for the third and subsequent children.
• There is no system of council housing any more.
• Record numbers of children are being taken into care.
• Courts will award custody to abusive men.

If you want women to be able to leave, you have to create the infrastructure to help them leave, and you have to do something to tackle the epidemic of male violence.

I walked away when I was pregnant because I knew I absolutely couldn't live with myself if I allowed a baby to grow up in that situation. I love my DS fiercely and I would never allow any harm to come to him (that includes psychological harm from witnessing what I had gone through). I had no family support or money but I fled and I was street homeless for a while, before managing to rent a room and then getting a council flat. Ex has never had any contact with DS, I made sure of that. I was on benefits for a long time and I think a lot of people looked down on me because of that, and many people would refuse to go through that and stay for the financial security. I also think it's much harder to get a council flat these days.

It does take a lot of strength to leave and it took me a long time even though I recognised the abuse long before I got pregnant. I think some of it is down to personality, as I'm very determined and a good problem-solver, so even though it seemed as if there was no way out, I worked my way through solutions and things have turned out pretty well in the end (I've bought my own house, have a loving DH, my own business and am comfortable financially).

Being angry with the victim parent has nothing to do with the narrative. Even as a child, it is obvious there is something fundamentally wrong with your abuser. Even when they are behaving, you don’t trust them. That would be like trusting a grizzly bear. Conversely, the victim parent, typically the mother, is your safety person. They are the person you turn to for love and comfort. In fact, over time it becomes obvious that the abuser likely doesn’t even realize what they are doing. Very likely there is underlying mental illness and/or substance abuse. That doesn’t absolve the abuser of responsibility, but only the parent with full mental capacity could have changed the situation.

Emotional and controlling.

I’ve been advised to stay.

H will be given joint custody whatever I say - that is the current default position of the family courts. That will give him three days to take the children back to his home (which I believe he would do as he has told me enough times) country - he has contacts who will allow him out with the children either with their real or adapted ids. His country is European but corrupt. I will never get them back. I couldn’t destroy their futures like that at least in the UK they have access to an internationally recognised eduction. Plus my eldest is disabled and there are zero adaptions in schools there or suitable medical people - I have checked.

So I stay. Judge all you want.

@MrsPear, no judgement here. You do what you have to protect your children.

Very likely there is underlying mental illness and/or substance abuse.

Or they are just violent, controlling bastards with full capacity and a healthy lifestyle, fully aware of what they are doing.

I left an abusive relationship.
But cafcass don't believe me and even though my son disclosed to his head teacher that his dad did something that could have killed him cafcass still recommended nealru 50/50 contact. Thankfully DS finally found the strength to refuse.to go anymore. I don't dare fight it further because I could lose all contact of ExH persuades them I am alienating the children

So if you really want to stop children growing up in abusive relationships please support #thecourtsaid .... At the moment no mother should be condemned for staying. no mother should even be encouraged to leave.the courts and cafcass are failing the children of abused mothers and we cannot keep them safe.

@PleaseHelpM3 pretty sure my dm is still asking this tbh. No matter how much help is thrown her way she still stays. And I believe that’s her choice. No one can chisel her out. I’ll never understand and yes I blame my dm. It was her that covered it up as well, she also told me not to tell anyone what’s happening. Don’t be under any illusion they are not complicit with it just because they sit back in silence.

And in response to those saying it’s more difficult with dc my dm has still chosen to sit back while my dad will continue to threaten me as an adult. She’s been offered help over and over and don’t tell me I don’t understand abuse. I grew up in it ffs. When I had dc I still can’t understand why you’d allow your dc to witness and live through it or worse why you’d continue to have more dc in the circumstances as my dm did.
My anger can lie with whoever I want it to and it lies with both of them personally. My dm can present herself as a victim but her dc are all grown now and we’ve all offered to get her out even her own paid for separate accommodation but the excuses keep coming. I even said to her once, what’s your excuse now, it used to be I stay because of the kids, and she just blanked me and walked off. She’s not mentally ill to my knowledge.
She just always says things such as my dads last marriage didn’t work out because his ex didn’t know how to stay but I stayed im the one who’s still here as if it’s a positive thing. It’s so odd. I couldn’t take the blanking me when I asked about it all and then I’d get the silent treatment for a few days as well. None of my siblings talk to each other. We don’t talk about it and my siblings blame me as well if I ask questions.
As far as I’m concerned I don’t have much time for mother’s who don’t leave. The abuse had a huge impact on me and also I have no family either as a result.

Another thing that all the sad stories on this thread have made me think of is is the idea that children ‘have a right’ to contact with their abusive parent and that seeing them is in their best interests is such a load of bollocks.

All the children who grew up in such a family are saying they wanted to get away from the abusive parent. But the courts make that so difficult and this is presented as in the best interests of the child. It makes me so angry.

laptopscreen I am sorry you went through that. It must be awful to watch your mother sit back while your dad has threatened you. I fully understand why you are so angry with her.

When it gets to this point you don’t have a safe parent because no one is trying to stand up for you.

And to those who are saying it’s so hard to leave but still left you should be proud. I can tell you it has taken me over a decade since finally walking out of the family home to repair my own thoughts on it all and also o had to go back to educate myself after flunking at school because of the abuse.

Thank you to those who have given me some insight into this and much to think about. I do blame my dm for not being there for me or my siblings. I do also blame my ddad for causing this but he was also an addict and there was no way in hell there wasn’t several people who could have back my dm up in court in her favour. I also have an issue with her still being there.
If anyone has any advice if it’s possible to get her out I’d be grateful but I still think she wants to be there over anything.

I am sorry for anyone in this situation now and do have sympathy but I hope my own outcome can say to those that stay, the effect it has on your dc may be much longer than you imagine. I would rather have had supervised contact than daily physical abuse. If this is happening to you I urge you to seek help. Hearing my dm went to a refuge was of great comfort to me. She didn’t do nothing but she didn’t do enough imo.

You still sound like you need some counselling to be honest.
I think you misunderstand the contact though, most abusers end up with unsupervised contact, my DF left my M and she lied through her teeth in court and was awarded full custody.

Each case is so individual and you can’t make a sweeping statement like ‘ abusers are to blame not the abused’. It’s assuming that the mothers/ wives are always abused and beaten in this situation like the poor lady above who had a knife at her throat (bless you by the way, I can’t stop thinking about your story and how brave you are).

That sort of case is VERY different to a lot, like mine, where my mother was NEVER abused by her partner, he just did it all to me. Pushed my head under the bath water. Grabbed me by the neck and threw me out the house, shouting ‘go and find some fucking friends’ at me. Called me names every day. Picked me apart. I felt sick every time I heard his key in the front door.

But he NEVER touched my mother. She wasn’t a cowering frightened victim, she just wanted to keep her man.

She threw him out when he cheated on her though. That was grounds enough for ending it. Not the abuse of her kid for 13 years.

So let’s stop assuming all the mothers in these situations are abused and helpless because it’s fucking bullshit and so infuriating to hear. I’ve never got over what happened to me and I can’t cope with seeing my mother anymore knowing she did nothing.

Many of the women on here dont realise they're being abused and done want to break up the family because he is "a great dad". Even the husbands who emotionally abuse then for years are more often than not described as "a great dad".

Many abusers threaten that they will take full custody of the children if the woman leaves. Even if this isn't true, the fear of losing the kids or of them being with him unsupervised is enough (and abusers know this).

They also fear that people won't believe them about the abuse, due to the fact that many abusers seem like the perfect guy to the outside world, and because people will question why she didn't tell anyone or leave sooner.

My friend stays in a sexually and emotionally abusive and gas lighting marriage because she doesn't want to lose her house. She'd have enough to buy a small flat but, in her own words, she loves her house and if rape is the price she has to pay so be it. She grew up in an abusive family....... I actually think she also thrives on the drama and makes sure to tell as many people including organisations as possible. New people then start jumping up and down and giving her all her options, she pretends to listen ( she doesn't need advise she already knows her options) then smiles and stays exactly where she is

@laptopscreen. You say "I would take supervised contact over daily physical abuse"

But the family court system is so flawed that a mother leaving the relationship could end up being told her.children will.have 50% of their life with the abusive parent unsupervised. There, in the house, with no adult witness. Or worse, a mother might be accused of alienation and the father gets full custody. So please don't judge until you have fully understood how flawed the court system is. I have raised numerous concerns about injuries etc since leaving my.ex and yet his unsupervised contact has increased to nearly 50%.

As I said above I've quite recently left my abusive husband and started the family court process. But my reasons for staying or my reasons for considering getting back with him would all be to "protect" my kids.

Since we split up he's really stepped up his threats of taking full custody of the kids, making lies up about me so I get the kids taken off me etc etc. He knows this would be my worst nightmare and so he uses it against me. It won't work this time but it worked for the previous 7 years!!

The person doing the abuse is ultimately to blame.

However when another adult stands by and let’s it happen and doesn’t remove the children from the situation (or continues to have more children) I can’t understand that. It’s one thing to make our own choices as adults however children are innocent and can’t decide for themselves to leave. We are supposed to protect our children and put them first.

It can affect their whole adulthood as well as childhood.