To not understand how some people allow their dc to be raised in abusive homes?

[laptopscreen]

I really don’t understand it. I can kind of see why some people end up staying in abusive relationships without dc as they just make excuses over and over but with dc I do not understand how the dc aren’t more important than some crappy relationship.
I am genuinely wondering what happens here.Fwiw I was raised in this. And I’m still not understanding how on Earth you don’t put your dc first. Mumsnet seems to highlight this situation over and over again.

Can anyone help me understand? I’m nc Witt my mum now. I’m trying to process everything and tbh I haven’t forgiven my mum for allowing me and siblings to stay in the conditions we were in.

I think it’s easy for you to say OP (and other posters) when you are not a victim of the abusive household yourself.

Looks so simple from the outside doesn’t it.

Sorry but this thread makes me angry. Are you really so simple minded that you think what you see and feel looking in from a totally safe and objective place on the outside of the situation is ANYTHING like what those women are seeing and feeling and thinking?

We have such a fucking major issue

And it’s brushed under the carpet

For example teenage knife crimes (rightly so) are widely reported

But few people discuss this issue

I think OP was raised in such an environment in their defence

I'm in the process of trying to get out of an emotionally and sexually abusive marriage. I have 2 DCs under 4. I've been ground down by his behaviour for the last four years and it only started after we married. It's not as easy a thing as it sounds to get out...

Fuck knows.

My mum got out of two abusive relationships, one in the 60s and again in the 80s when there was zero help and single mums were viewed as scum. The first time she fled with all her belongings and babies piled into her pram. This was a time when single mothers were threatened with the loss of their children when they asked for financial help.

I have little sympathy for these women who stay when there is help literally at the touch of a button. Yes it will be hard, but the hard times pass and it will be oh so worth it for the kids if nothing else.

And despite the fact my mum got out we're all very damaged. And we didn't endure years of abuse, so God knows how damaged some of the children on here will be. Some posts on here make me feel extremely angry that a mother (( and father )) can stand back and allow their child to witness and experience extreme abuse.

@Happyspud rtft I am. And I continue to be over a decade later.
@Missingsandraohingreys I blame both parents. Obviously my df for causing it but my dm for not doing more within her power to get out leaving me with a lifetime of issues to unravel on my own. Especially as my dm is still there in complete denial about it all despite no dc living with her and full support offered to get out.

@Happyspud ps not I am simple minded but I am a victim of the abuse. I too was beaten and abused.

OP I get that . I don’t know what else to say at domestic abuse is an absolute curse on society . It touches and damages so so much . And I am guessing you don’t necessarily recognise your mothers experience in the recounts here .

But please believe me when I say that many women don’t stay because they don’t care or can’t see the damage .

They know it’s awful and damaging . But for many there is NO easy exit and sometimes they risk assess and decide that staying is the lesser evil

Poverty, lack of confidence, fear, shame and denial

OP wasn’t saying all women. She said some

And some people do have that personal experience.

What doesn't help is that leaving is one of the MOST dangerous times for women in abusive relationships. High chance of the abuser murdering them, the children or their friend/family member. Whoever they can get their hands on basically.

Also safe to assume those who grew up in abusive households are more likely to replicate it because it's what they know.

I'm sure many women have attempted to leave and have had their face caved in for even attempting so they figure that it's easier to stay than to try again.

Excellent post on page 1 katalavenete

So sad to see so many victim blamers on this thread. Talk about hitting women when they are down.

Fear, financial abuse and control, the shitty benefits/social system we have now, which makes it hard to raise children alone, being raised themselves in similar households and knowing no better. Cohesive control. Fear of losing their children to their abuser through the court system. And so on.

I am sorry this happened to you. It could have been my fate, too, if my mum hadn't got away. Weekend visits were bad enough.

Those keen to endorse the myth that all parents are helpless, innocent victims need to be aware that it isn't just the experiences of those abused as children they are dismissing.

By doing so you're also putting posters such as prepayment, to name but one, and all the other rl victims in the same category as parents such as mine. It's fucking insulting to suggest that those whom deserve the upmost respect for protecting their dc, support and empathy should have bystanders of child abuse shoved in with them as fellow victims.

happy yeah, cos children aren't sentient beings or anything so being abused as one only provides a safe and cosy outsiders perspective.

Those keen to endorse the myth that all parents are helpless, innocent victims

That’s a strong statement there . I truly haven’t seen that occur on this thread . It’s interesting that you do see that . And I am not disputing your perceptions .

It’s a fundamental curse on society , so I don’t especially want to have strong disagreements on this topic , or get heated . As I think on the main issue everyone is in agreement .

I wonder with other societal changes (environment , #metoo , racism , etc ) if this is something that can start to be addressed in our lifetimes

missing I see it mainly in the reasons given to answer the original op/ aibu. (Eg fear, loss of confidence and all the genuine explanations for why people stay in abusive relationships) as though that is equally applicable to all parents with an abusive spouse. Not to mention several posts where it's been said childhood abuse survivors don't understand about being abuse victims, the other parent is a powerless victim etc.

I'm not sure we'll ever see it addressed. We might get to a point where adult female dv victims are just as likely to have the means to escape immediately, and women are no more likely than men to be predisposed to having their confidence destroyed. But that will only prevent situations such as prepayments progressing as far.

It won't change anything for the type of parent that did have the power to stop it, and chose not to make the effort, they'll still exist. Not to mention child abuse will always exist, so unless you can fully eradicate that, change the care system, provide adequate support for mental illness and all the other reasons why people on an individual level might be likely to miss the early signs of abusive relationships, I don't see it ever being eradicated.

Somewhat pessimistic, but I think it's more likely it will be addressed like the current spotlight on mental health. Celebs and powerful people that have truly suffered, but on a public awareness level don't address the complex issues faced by the average person without the same means to access support. And possibly a load of wankers sharing stupid dv memes on their social media that they neither mean or understand, and discrediting genuine victims.

I thing the link between domestic abuse and child and adult mental health is largely ignored . It’s such a huge determiner . Find the challenging angry children , some of the bullies . And bullied . So many
Of them witness it at home . And then we expect them to turn into healthy rounded adults . Ha ! My son was bullied for a while by a child with a known wife beater father . He was in foster care . I actually told my son (not the exact details ) that he had
To give this child a break as he was hugely bullied himself . It all abated eventually .

And some people are weak . And for that reason SS intervene . But not always , and even when they do it might be too late . It’s not their fault .

I do however blame a Society that block their ears and walk by when we see it .
‘None of our business
‘He is just angry / drunk etc
‘Chav family
Don’t get involved in other people’s business

Etc etc

The reality is, leaving can mean such painful consequences. I left my abusive ex and he was awarded 50:50 of our two boys who were just 3 and 6 at the time.
Five years on I still find the weeks/days without them incredibly hard. I don't really feel like a mum

@RainMinusBow you’ve already said this, I have responded to say this would have been a better arrangement for me. I know that’s not what my Dm would have wanted but I would have been better off having a break from seeing my dm being abused, felt safer knowing she wasn’t and not being targeted myself for at least 50% of the time I also believe if my parents had separated eventually I could have had my own say and not go back.
I’m sorry you are suffering @RainMinusBow you are a mum and I hope you find support somewhere for your feelings. Dc see the abuse. They suffer. Even if unlike me they’re also targets, they hear it and suffer when a parent is being hurt. You have done the right thing. You have taught your dc that’s not normal, that’s not ok. I’m sorry if you regret your decisions but I would not be nc with my dm now had she had left.

Not sure why then went bold was not intentional*

missing whether it's dv or anything else, I firmly believe the lack of resources available are hugely responsible. Ss can't offer the help needed to a struggling parent, mh services etc. It's usually too little, too late.

I blame society too, but mostly the willingness to ignore or enable emotional abuse. Too many people don't view it as 'real' abuse, whether that's the neighbour abusing their dc or their friend being abused by their spouse. Plus the fact that physical abuse is highly unlikely to be accepted or forgiven by someone that isn't already a victim.

If a family meet the threshold for SS involvement it is important that they establish whether the mother (or primary care giver) is able to put the needs and welfare of the children above their own needs and the abusive relationship. For some primary care givers, this is very hard. Some succeed with support but have to learn, some do not learn.

The assumption that all women (or PCG’s) are hapless helpless victims is upsetting for children who grew up in these homes who feel that things could/should have been different, and perhaps if the support of another agency was involved, things may have been different.

Issues with secrecy in the past are huge. Whether the drivers was shame, financial etc they still existed and children were trapped in abusive homes with no way out. A lot of this was down to lack of support systems or intervention, but times have changed and there is more support than ever before

Both my Dsis and I realised when we became parents that had SS been involved with us, it’s very likely we would have been removed. And they should have been involved. Neither of us think our DM had the capacity to effect the relevant changes to our lives, even with support - when he did finally leave her, she was even worse at parenting than before and essentially completely gave up on trying. She never went to the GP and asked for support, she never acknowledged any need for her to seek help and make changes. Him being gone exposed her deepest fears and weaknesses - being alone

My DM actively came up with her own well thought out plan as to how to ‘protect’ us from a child sex offender, which shows some insight into knowing she needed one. The plan was a failure from the off, it was too late by the time she formulated her plan, something had already happened. And as time went on, her plan didn’t actually have much substance to it and looking back - the child sex offender still babysat us, came round every weekend and came on days out - just that she ‘watched him carefully’ 🤷🏻‍♀️