To not understand how some people allow their dc to be raised in abusive homes?

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I really don’t understand it. I can kind of see why some people end up staying in abusive relationships without dc as they just make excuses over and over but with dc I do not understand how the dc aren’t more important than some crappy relationship.
I am genuinely wondering what happens here.Fwiw I was raised in this. And I’m still not understanding how on Earth you don’t put your dc first. Mumsnet seems to highlight this situation over and over again.

Can anyone help me understand? I’m nc Witt my mum now. I’m trying to process everything and tbh I haven’t forgiven my mum for allowing me and siblings to stay in the conditions we were in.

Trauma can cause people to have gaps in their memories, for the posters who think their mothers are lying about not remembering things that happened.

Trauma disrupts the brain's normal processing of memories. That doesn't mean every single person in the same traumatic incident will or won't remember it, because they're all experiencing it differently as different people.

Could be a lie not to remember. But wouldn't be surprising to be true either.

Because of the stigma of single parenting? The reality of Universal Credit?

An aside : Last time my mother visited me she commented on how much money my dad must have (he has a large private pension) and that she won’t have any pension so “you’re going to have a terrible time getting me sorted when I’m old - I’ll have nothing”. Errr , yeah , I’m not doing anything for your when you’re old love, sorry !

I'm speaking for myself here kata, but I don't agree. I can honestly say if anyone was abusive towards my dc, I'd have been prepared to kill them if necessary, even if that meant spending my life in prison, and dc being adopted and me never seeing them again. Its a million times better than the alternative.

That's not a judgment on anyone else's situation, but simply the personal perspective of someone with an abusive childhood that would do literally anything to prevent their child ever suffering the same.

If posters can recognise there are multiple, complex, valid reasons that make it incredibly difficult for a childless person to leave an abusive situation, what makes them think all those reasons are suddenly swept away when there are children involved?

The blame for abuse lies with the abuser not the victims.

Agree with trainspotting x

I consider my mother to be almost complicit , her unique set of circumstances being what they were ,

In many ways, I have more anger towards my mother, who could have left, but didn’t, than my father, the actual abuser.

I understand intellectually all the pressures she was under. Divorce was still scandalous and she came from a religion that did not even recognize divorce. I definitely can see her generation was constrained in terms of earning power because of societal views that expected women to work, but not be the primary or equal earners. At 45 and having had the opportunity for full economic independence, it is extremely difficult for me to understand why women my age and younger stay.

I think a lot of women are making excuses for women who expose their children to abuse. No one is blaming the women for their partners abusive behaviour but we are blaming them for not being good parents themselves and not protecting us.

I had one particularly abusive parent and the other one left and left us all with them. There’s no excuse for that. They knew what the abusive parent was like and they chose to just save themselves. Awful and no excuses for that.

Women or men. In my experience it was my mother who was abusive and my father who left

@TrainspottingWelsh we will agree to disagree. My mother is NONE of those things.

There is a difference between one parent is the abuser and one the abused. My mother never abused us and did everything she could to protect us.

I do understand why people stay, because leaving is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is only now that I have left that I realise how bad it was. For a long time I thought everything is my fault and if I tried harder I could make him happy. He isolated me from my family and friends making it harder to get support and threatened to take my baby.

Our little boy is thriving now we are away but I still don’t know if I will be able to keep him safe from him. He is going to take me to court and will probably get contact. The fear doesn’t go when you leave.

My ex told me that when he was 3 he told his mum that he wished his dad would die because he was frightened of him. They are still together now.

I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood.

Denial in the case of my DM. Total denial and not facing up to reality.
Possibly lack of self confidence.

And it’s not that I don’t blame my mother for being abusive; I do. But I blame my father for not being a father or foe doing anything other than leave himself.

I know a friend whose sisters son confessed that her boyfriend had been sexually abusing him. She chose basically her partner over her son and claimed he was making it up. My friend was horrified but kept contact with both. The son has no contact with his mum now.

Also if you are exposing your own children to an abusive situation, you are an abuser. You have a duty to care for them.

maybe that might be true in your situation, if you feel she did everything to protect you, then it's obvious you won't feel the same, and it's not up to me or anyone else to doubt or deny your experience, just because it isn't the same.

Mine was different. I'm sure she was a vile spouse, and no doubt if I hadn't been there as the victim an emotionally abusive spouse, and ultimately she was the child abuser. But I place equal blame with the none abusive parent that didn't care enough to intervene, let alone love enough to permanently end it.

I have not lived in an abusive home either as a child or an adult so I think my opinion is pretty irrelevant but I also don't really understand this. I've always considered myself a strong person and can't conceive of being in an abusive relationship. I've always taken the view that I 'wouldn't let that happen to me' which is probably incredibly simplistic and I'm sure many victims of abuse would say 'oh but I thought that too before all this.' I just honestly can't picture myself and DS living in a situation where he could witness physical or emotional abuse.

You're entitled to your perspective. We're different people, who have lived different lives.

Mine is as someone whose abusive childhood was followed by being abused as an adult and experiencing how much it fucks you up, and how leaving may not even occur to you, let alone seem possible. I genuinely didn't understand I was being abused and when it got to the point the police had been called out I did not understand why they were so worried about me.

I don't think finding yourself and your children simultaneously being abused has many parallels with a stranger abusing your children in isolation. It's a different dynamic, because in the latter you have objectivity and in the former you're in the middle of the storm with them.

To me, people saying "I would never let anyone abuse me" or "I would immediately leave if my children's home was abusive" sounds the same as people who say "I would never let anyone rape me" or "I would fight and scream if anyone tried to rape me". It's just not true. (People don't "let" others hurt them, for starters.)

They're beliefs people hold to make them feel safe and in control of their lives in a scary and unpredictable world. "I'm different, it won't happen to me." "I'm brave, I can protect myself."

Women don't stay because they make excuses, they stay;

• because they don't understand they're being abused or what abuse is;

• because brainwashing/conditioning is a huge part of abuse;

• because they have been threatened about what he will do to them/the children if they try to leave;

• because they're controlled and don't have the means or knowledge;

• because they grew up in abuse and think it's normal;

• because society tells them they're failing their children if they "break" the home up by leaving;

• because they think it's their fault and spend their life trying to be perfect enough to stop it;

• because of trauma bonding;

• because they're afraid of the harm he will do to the children if he has them EOW without her there to protect them;

• because he's told her he'll take the children away/she will never see them again if she leaves;

• because he's told her social services will take the children into care if anyone finds out what's going on;

• because when she tried talking to friends and family they dismissed it or told her to make her marriage work /not to bring shame on them by divorcing;

• because they've convinced themselves they're protecting the children and no harm will come to them;

• because they're so traumatised from the abuse being directed at them they don't realise what it's doing to the children;

• because they think the children would be damaged by the upheaval if they left;

• because they don't want to "take the children away from their dad";

• because they tried asking for help and were told to b. e a better wife;

• because they've been told it's not abuse unless they're being hit every day or some other narrow example that isn't part of the abuse happening to them;

• because even when he hit her the police just dismissed it and made her feel she'd overreacted;

This is exactly why women stay, it's never as simple as others outside of the relationship think.
I think that for children that have had abusive parents, it becomes really hard to understand when they have their own children. One small comfort may be, that as your own children grow and you realise what was done to you when you were a child, as a parent you KNOW that you will never inflict this on your child. So you've broken the cycle, it's a small thing but it's a positive action.

I've only read a few posts.

the only person responsible for abusing someone is the abuser

Your mums were being abused. They were under cohesive control. What your fathers did to them and to you was his fault only.

I think it's very easy to judge when your not the person experiencing it.
My husband is abusive luckily" only " mentally , controlling , and most of the time to Me alone . ( he does occasionally get like it with others my son in law recently was on the tail end )

I stay because the children want me to stay they also want to stay , they are scared to move on.

I stay because I have nothing else , I would lose our closest friend ( male friend who husband has accused me of having an affair with , but the only friend I have ) I know he would have to pick husband ( he's know him 30 years ) he wouldn't be able to have us both , I would lose my in laws and so would our children , ( who are nice , but have said to me when they witnessed husbands behaviour after drink, what is it your not giving him!)

I stay because I financially have nothing without him .

I stay because people told me he was bad and I at times have a point to prove

I stay because I am not strong enough for the battle nor am I worth fighting the battle for .

Don't get me wrong I cry , I dream of being loved hugged and soothed and maybe one day ,?
As for my children the older ones understand , we talk about the right and wrong way of life/love , i parent and guide my children and hopefully one day they will see I didn't mean for this to happen .

What your fathers did to them and to you was his fault only.

I’m sorry but I disagree and think this is a generalisation.

(My situation is unique though - it was step dad being abusive and she left my dad to actively be with step dad)

Name changed for this.
I left my ex the first time he hurt me after our baby was born, our baby was 3 days old. He stalked and harassed me for months until he took me to mediation for child contact.
The solicitor at mediation told me he was terrified for me and would try and stop him coming for me. I don't know what he said but it worked, I got 2 months breathing space then we went to family court.
In the first hearing he barely spoke except to ask if he could contact me again, this helped the judge to order independent supervised contact.
From that point the general assumption was that I was lying by cafcass, she told me that most women lie to keep dads from seeing their children. My proof which consisted of texts and recordings were barely glanced at. He on the other hand told them I was abusive and showed then photos of where I had apparently injured him on many occasions.
When it looked like he was going to get unsupervised access I started making steps to go back to him, if the courts wouldn't protect our child they were safer if I was back with him and he'd have to go through me to hurt them.
After 18 months of hell further evidence came up and he was given no contact.
Even now 4 years later I would still try and resume a relationship with him if he got access to our child. I'll never again think, why didn't they leave. Sometimes things are not all they appear to be.

Part of me still hates my mother for that, for not leaving. The things I've seen when growing up.. Both (her and father) weren't saints, I can't say she's innocent in all that happened. But my father used to (and still does) drink a lot and beat her viciously (doesn't do that any more). She was hospitalized multiple times, bashed to pulp, cut with knives, kicked and dragged, etc and I've witnessed it all. It was horrific.

The thing that gets to me the most is that she never EVER acknowledged her fault in all this AT ALL. Everybody else were guilty: her parents, because they didn't buy her a flat to leave to. Father's parents, because they couldn't control their son (a grown man). Government, because her pay is shit (it's not great, but you can support yourself with it). Etc etc etc.

One thing she said particularly hurt me, though. He came back drunk as always and proceeded to kick the shit out of her. She ran to my room, it was night, I was sleeping. He followed and kept on beating her there with me watching. He's a big man, brutish strong and was in absolute rage. I covered myself with a duvet and just cried, I was very scared.

The next day, my mother called me a 'useless no good bitch', because 'all kids defend their mummies and I didn't do anything, no good coward that I am'. She told me she was ashamed of me. She phoned father's mother, my grandma, and told her the same, that I didn't defend her, and she hates me for it. I was about 7 years old at that time! I was so scared! When I grew up, I told her that it wasn't my duty to protect her, it was HER duty to protect ME, her little child!

She always said she did it 'for the kids'. The reality is, she did it for the money. My father's a rich man. And she loved the houses, the cars, the holidays, furs, jewellery more than she loved her kids. THAT'S WHY.

When I left home, I moved in with my (then) partner. Everything was ok, we were together for a few years. Until one night after a party we argued. We both were drunk, but that doesn't change things. He slapped my face and everything came back to me in a flashback, all the shit I've seen. It made me unnaturally mad, sent me in such rage that I almost killed him (no exaggeration). I left the very same night, called a taxi, drunk and all, and just left, went to friend's house. Next day I came to collect my stuff and never went back.

I like to rub my mother's nose in that story. She's (begrudgingly) in awe that I didn't take any shit and had the balls and determination to just up and leave. She said, she should have done the same. However, no one's stopping her now. No small kids, it's just her and him in the house. He doesn't beat her any more, but they live two separate lives and hate each other. He still drinks (even more than before) and has multiple lovers (as he always did). And yet she doesn't leave.

Fair to say, I don't respect my parents. Her - even more than him. For being a pathetic doormat and extremely selfish.