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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

385 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 15:52

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA Grin

OP posts:
MrsMonkeyBear · 04/10/2019 19:53

With DD1 we had my mum and sister visit at first visiting hours and in-laws at second as they needed to take DH home. Then when we got home the next day, MIL had invited the whole flaming village to her house to see baby. I felt bloody awful and hated it.

With DD2, no one visited at hospital, I was home by lunch time. Quick visit to MILs to pick up dd1 and then home. My mum, sister and BIL popped over in the evening bearing dinner and gifts. We then got to introduce dd2 to the rest of the family in our own time.

SachaStark · 04/10/2019 19:57

I would want my mum around, no question. Because I know that she would want to take care of me, at a very vulnerable time.

My in-laws are divorced, and I would be very happy to have my FIL around. He’s laidback, makes me laugh, genuinely loves me... we even go to a dance class together several times a week!

I’d be quite unsure of my MIL, to be honest. I’ve never gotten the impression she’s that fond of me, even after 12 years. DH rarely sees her anyway. But she’s not difficult in any way at all, so I expect I’d have her around also, we are just not close.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 19:57

How many threads can you read about women panicking because "In-laws WANT to be told the minute contractions start and rush to hospital" "in-laws WANT to be the first to have a "cuddle", or even better, "in-laws WANT to stay over for a few day, week when the baby arrive".

Is it reasonable for all these mothers to have to waste so much energy worrying about dealing with these in-laws when they should concentrate on themselves?

To keep one set of grandparents away for anything other than a day or two, while the others get all the time in the world with the new member of the family is really cruel.
it's not a flipping competition, it's not about you! Some mums are like Kate Middleton, fresh and all made-up, happily walking home after a few hours. Others are really struggling, mentally and physically and need time and space to recover and adjust.

Leave them the fuck alone! What stops you from offering help, support, a hand, food, whatever - you might not need to show the first selfie to your neighbour to show what an amazing grand-parent you are, but no one cares, your focus should be on the well being of the mother, the baby and his father. How is that too hard!

Horehound · 04/10/2019 19:59

@5ArsenicGreen but it is different.
I had my mum round loads in the first week after birth. I actually needed her. I was walking around with my books out trying to establish breastfeeding. We heavily relied on herit would not have been the same if it was MIL. If it's the woman giving birth it's normal to want your own mother there. To have a MIL there is not the same. Not blood relative, not known all your life, not mothered you. I trust my ym with my baby 100% but I do not feel that way about MIL..I just don't!

Horehound · 04/10/2019 19:59

Op I completely agree with you

U2HasTheEdge · 04/10/2019 20:03

I loved having visitors. I couldn't wait for people to meet my babies.

Our families were really supportive throughout my pregnancies, especially when I had hyperemesis. My in-laws looked after the older children while I was giving birth. It would have seemed quite cruel to have accepted their support but not allow them to visit the baby ASAP.

My husband was excited for his parents to meet our children so they had every right to visit and if I didn't like it I would probably have gone for a nap or something and dh could have brought baby up if it needed feeding. He would have respected my wishes if I didn't want them to visit though.

I understand that there are cases where the birth has been traumatic or the mother feels particularly vulnerable and they may need a few days on their own, but when women decide before they have given birth that they will not allow visitors for a certain amount of time then that is silly and precious.

misspiggy19 · 04/10/2019 20:04

You're speaking for yourself don't assume everyone else feels the same way, new mums are perfectly entitled to welcome anyone they like round as soon as they like after the birth.

^This

ABCDE12344 · 04/10/2019 20:05

My parents great, MIL great, SIL great, cousins great, friends great- FIL moaning about me breastfeeding...of you pop to fuckery FIL

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:07

I think it’s sheer, unmitigated cheeky fuckery to expect people to keep loving and supporting your family when you treat them like strangers just because you can. And cruel. And entitled

That. Of course the grandparents should be considerate, keep the visits brief, and be thoughtful and helpful (if they're there long enough) but deliberately keeping just one half of them away completely is just callous.

Is this a new thing? I'm sure I don't recall mothers belong quite so controlling before, and yet lots of posters seem to agree with the OP's stance on her in-laws.

I'm relieved that I have daughters.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 20:07

when women decide before they have given birth that they will not allow visitors for a certain amount of time then that is silly and precious.

so people have different need than you and different relationships, but you feel superior enough to give ridiculous judgements? Charming.

No one is judging you for considering the idea of leaving your newborn with your family when you go for a nap, however weird that sounds, but hey, you know better to judge yourself.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 20:09

I'm sure I don't recall mothers belong quite so controlling before
I am sure I recall women being generally treated like second-class citizen, and new mother still being treated like shit in some cultures today. We are having especially low standards today, haven't we?

Kahlua4me · 04/10/2019 20:09

Each to their own really, as long as you are respecting others feelings and not being rude to them. It’s fine to want your parents with you but understand if your partner also wants his their. You can’t say no to his family whilst having yours there as they have the same relationship to the baby.

My mum was with me and dh right through my first labour but everybody else came to hospital afterwards and over next few days.

However our house is always open, we have lots of visitors and we are all really close.

Bringonspring · 04/10/2019 20:10

i think your pretty selfish to be honest OP. Have a nap whilst your partner introduces the baby to his mother. It’s actually the baby they care about ...here is a revelation for you...it’s not about you.

BertrandRussell · 04/10/2019 20:10

Yes- utterly unreasonable that a man might want to introduce his baby to his parents.......

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 20:13

U2HasTheEdge

I’m gonna be a devils advocate here and even though I wanted in laws to meet my baby, but from the other point of view.. the key point in your circumstances is that they were “supportive” during your pregnancy and that you have a good relationship.

Truth is many women during pregnancy go through anxiety and their protective instincts heighten, and those people who previously posed threats to their marital home/relationship/kids are seen as a threat. Because many in laws aren’t supportive and are quite the opposite. But that includes family and relatives too.

So I do think it’s not as if someone just sits there contemplates how to be cruel. I think there is a reason why many women feel this way during pregnancy. It’s part of the nesting hormone wanting everything to be perfect and wanting their newborn to be well protected.

If I was feeling vulnerable I certainly wouldn’t feel emotionally strong to observe my kids be taken away from me by someone who I have trust issues with.

So I do think it’s not about being precious if you go to the source of this. To be fair.

Shaded · 04/10/2019 20:13

Everyone is different. I had my MIL with me as birthing partner. My bil, sil all travelled down same day to see baby. We were all very excited. I was happy and grateful for the excitement they all showed in welcoming the baby. It was my first and baby came early so my mum did not arrive in time.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 20:14

It’s actually the baby they care about ...here is a revelation for you...it’s not about you.

we completely got that. Who cares about the woman who just gave birth indeed. Pretty sure if people would care a bit more, there would't be so much drama.

MrsJBaptiste · 04/10/2019 20:14

Shit, this thread is so depressing as the mother of boys. When the time comes, with any luck I'll get to see my grandchildren a few months after the mother of my DIL ☹

Shaded · 04/10/2019 20:15

I would have hated it if they all stayed away because of some notion that new mothers need a few days/weeks before anyone is allowed to see baby.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 20:16

When the time comes, with any luck I'll get to see my grandchildren a few months after the mother of my DIL

I understand that "a few months" is an issue, but the need to compare with the grand-mother who will be "first"? Seriously?

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 20:17

It’s actually the baby they care about ...here is a revelation for you...it’s not about you.

Ok so why should she care about them Hmm. That’s a silly argument that only proves OPs point.

I say if the in laws don’t care for the mother and her wellbeing as you are suggesting then there is an issue here..

Bringonspring · 04/10/2019 20:18

So go and rest and let your DP introduce the baby to his family......

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:19

Who cares about the woman who just gave birth indeed. Pretty sure if people would care a bit more, there would't be so much drama

Grow up. Everyone cares about the mother. She's been the centre of attention throughout pregnancy and everyone cares about her health, her safety in birth, and her welfare (unless they're sociopaths).

You realise that those of us who disagree with your treatment of your inlaws have also given birth themselves, right?
I felt like death after each of my babies was born, but the grandparents meeting the new member of the family was something I'd never have thought about restricting - the sooner the better. I just lay there and basked in their adoration of their new grandchild (and of course they wanted to see and care for me too)

I can't imagine using my post birth state as an excuse to keep them away. It's not like they stayed long and got in the way.

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 20:20

MrsJBaptiste

In all honesty, I think most MIL are decent human beings and most DIL are decent human beings who want to get on and like each other and care for each other so this shouldn’t be an issue.

The issue is when MIL is vile to the other one but expects full access disregarding the feelings of the mother.

The easy answer is to just be respectful and bare in mind this might be the mother of your grandkids one day and use that as a motivation to care about her and her feelings and hopefully she will be decent enough to treat u as her own mother.

I genuinely wanted to love my MIL. I actually did..

Fredericacaca · 04/10/2019 20:21

MiL was wheeled over to see us from the cancer care ward where she was being treated when DD was around 4 hours old. My BIL & SIL came in to meet their DN a few hours later before flying home. They had delayed their flight so they could say hello. My own parents did a 500 mile round trip 3 days later to see me at home. That visit was probably the most stressful as the initial euphoria had worn off and panic was setting in.

Please don't generalise. One day you may be grateful for the love your ILs have for your DC even if you resent them traipsing in to meet their new grandchild.