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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

385 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 15:52

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA Grin

OP posts:
Horehound · 04/10/2019 20:21

@Bringonspring

i think your pretty selfish to be honest OP. Have a nap whilst your partner introduces the baby to his mother. It’s actually the baby they care about ...here is a revelation for you...it’s not about you.

Ha this is the problem. It is actually about the new mother...she just made the baby and is now responsible for her son or daughter. Why do her feelings get to be overwritten by the in laws? If they don't care about their DIL why should DIL be accommodating? It's basically treating her like a vessel. Charming.

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 20:22

It's not like they stayed long and got in the way.

I just lay there and basked in their adoration of their new grandchild (and of course they wanted to see and care for me too)

Can people not see that this isn’t always the case?! Some have this as a dream Sad

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 20:22

saraclara
read the post I am replying to before commenting, that might help.

Bringonspring · 04/10/2019 20:24

But that’s not what OP said in the original post that I responded to. She said that it was fine for her parents to come but not her DP’s parents. My response is that is utterly unfair.

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:25

Can people not see that this isn’t always the case?! Some have this as a dream

Then THAT's when the new father steps up. Rather than the new parents telling any of the grandparents that they have to stay away, why not say "we're excited for you to see the new baby, but we're keeping all visits to half an hour for the first week or so - I'm sure you'll understand"

Horehound · 04/10/2019 20:28

@Bringonspring it depends on the circumstances to determine if it's fair or not.
As I said I was struggling with breastfeeding, was very emotional and my baby was severely jaundiced so it was very stressful and I just needed my mum. My mil would have been completely different and just not the same as having my own mum there.
I needed my mum. No one else would have been good enough.

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 20:32

saraclara

Except the new mother can’t control either the father or his family.. and again situations aren’t always ideal and some families are just too bloody toxic for their adult children to manage.

I had to beg my in laws to see my first born and kiss their arse as they blackmailed me on my hospital bed and made it conditional that I back down from all the boundaries I created with them if I wanted them to see my baby... and so I was vulnerable and did.. couldn’t see DH hurt by them or feel my newborn be rejected and be called all sorts of things.

So this time round deep down I want them as far away from me as possible when vulnerable until I’m confident no one will use me in my vulnerable state. But also I cherished my relationship with my grandparents and so really want baby to be loved and so that’s my only motivation.

Again, each situation is unique. This is just an example. Stop judging.

LovePoppy · 04/10/2019 20:35

Serious question, men wanting their mothers to visits are mummy’s boys, but it’s totally chill to have your own mum there to support?

Isn’t that what your husband is for?

Horehound · 04/10/2019 20:37

@LovePoppy what are you talking about? Who said mummys boys?

I had my husband for support but we also needed my mum!

tonkatruck · 04/10/2019 20:49

this thread makes me feel terrified of future DILs, the amount of posters saying they would make the In laws wait but not the mothers parents

Livelovebehappy · 04/10/2019 20:52

I find these types of threads very passive aggressive. Op heads up her post with ‘relatives’ when her real target is in-laws, specifically referenced in her first post. Just be honest and don’t dress up your obvious dislike for your in-laws by hiding behind your apparent inability to entertain them following giving birth. I just find it so sad that a happy event can be used as an excuse for some sort of power struggle.

Nat6999 · 04/10/2019 20:55

I wished most of my visitors to hell, the only person I wanted to see was my mum, didn't even want my then husband around, certainly didn't want in laws there. I was full of morphine & felt like shit, I was just falling asleep all the time.

shellysheridan · 04/10/2019 21:02

Tonkatruck, I agree.

Horehound · 04/10/2019 21:04

@tonkatruck so you can't understand why I wanted my mum at my house not my mil when I'm walking around in a highly emotional state with my breasts hanging free and 2 midwives milking me?

Give it some thought..

saraclara · 04/10/2019 21:10

Were your midwives milking you all day for several days, @Horehound?

No-one's saying that you have to have visitors at those times! When my in-laws came for their first visit (they're not local) my husband arranged to meet them away from home, and bring them when I was ready for them. I wasn't comfortable breast feeding in front of anyone yet, so we just timed their visits accordingly.

Horehound · 04/10/2019 21:19

@saraclara my breasts were out A LOT in the first 4 days and on day 4 we got readmitted to hospital. Midwives milked me and tried to show me breastfeeding positions on day 3. Day 1 and 2 were me and my husband only and wed been awake pretty much straight for 4 solid days. i had a very long 72 hour labour. There was not a good time for them to visit at all. My husband agrees although my in laws were very good and we're fine to wait until we felt ready. Surely this should be the case for any visitor?

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 21:23

I had midwives milking me the first week and my breasts were out for the first three months constantly... walking naked around the house..

I would still accommodate a visit from in laws but... when I did,

I had MIL going through my laundry basket joking about my underwear and opening my drawers stating how untidy they were..

Again... some humans are exceptions to the norm. Don’t be shocked that some DILs are feeling vulnerable.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 04/10/2019 21:29

I never cared. As long as no one is expecting me to go make them cups of tea or lunch of course they can come see baby. I'm always more than happy to show off my pride and joy to anyone who wants to see.

AhNowTed · 04/10/2019 21:36

@Livelovebehappy

"I find these types of threads very passive aggressive. Op heads up her post with ‘relatives’ when her real target is in-laws, specifically referenced in her first post. Just be honest and don’t dress up your obvious dislike for your in-laws by hiding behind your apparent inability to entertain them following giving birth. I just find it so sad that a happy event can be used as an excuse for some sort of power struggle."

Couldn't agree more.

It's just nasty using a new baby in some warped control thing. At least own the fact you don't want your in-laws around.

phoenixrosehere · 04/10/2019 21:37

Reading this thread, only makes me happy that I’m not fussed whether my sons reproduce or not. If they choose to have children, I’ll be respectful of the women who has gone through birth to bring their children into this world. They may be my grandchildren, but they are not my children and I had my time with mine. I wouldn’t want to take that time away from them. If my dil wants me there, I will be and if she wants her mother there, I would completely understand. I’d give whatever support my sons and their wives need and if they need a few weeks to settle in, fine by me because it isn’t about me. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things who sees or holds the baby first and the baby sure as heck won’t remember either.

saraclara · 04/10/2019 21:42

I don't think anyone has worried about who's first to see the baby. Someone has to be.

It's deliberately keeping one set away from meeting their grandchild for a week or more that's mean. And yes, it is more hurtful if the other grandparents are pretty much camped out at the house for that week or two, surely?

tonkatruck · 04/10/2019 21:45

@horehound i cant understand why you'd want anyone at your house at that particular time of day but I"m assuming there were other, calmer moments.

Horehound · 04/10/2019 21:48

@saraclara but for me it wasn't deliberate in a nasty way. It was just not practical! But they do live 4 hours away so not like just an hours visit is possible.

I think it all depends on how the new parents feel and what the circumstances are. It's not just cut and dry as some posters make out..

DeRigueurMortis · 04/10/2019 21:48

Like a lot of situations it's very subjective depending on a lot of factors.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to behave (unless it's motivated by being deliberately exclusionary for no good reason).

For my part I'm lucky to have both lovely parents and PIL's. The type that would never overstay their welcome, not expect to be waited on etc.

In fact quite the reverse, they were all super helpful, bringing loads of home cooked food that I/DH could easily freeze and reheat.

Making copious cups of tea and bringing homemade cake/scones for themselves and us to enjoy (and doing the washing up afterwards).

Giving me space/privacy to retreat to my bedroom when I needed/wanted it without getting in the slightest bit antsy about it.

Frankly it was lovely to see them for a couple of hours every 3/4 days in those first weeks and some of my favourite memories are of them meeting their first grandson for the first time on the day he was born (lucky again to have a straightforward birth and was home by 3pm after starting labour at 5am).

However, not everyone is so lucky in how their labour went, nor in how their family behave. It's not something I can even get my judgy pants out of the drawer for, never mind put them on....

DeeCeeCherry · 04/10/2019 21:49

Me & H came home from hospital with baby, relatives had cooked us a meal & made enough for 2 days as they knew we'd be busy. House was spick & span. Lovely flowers. I was shattered went to sleep for a bit, woke up we chatted and joked for ages. I still remember it. Happy Times. I loved H's mum a s glad she was around to enjoy her grand-daughter too.

People who want to play power games and be left alone should really and truly be granted their wish.

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