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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

385 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 15:52

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA Grin

OP posts:
Jeschara · 04/10/2019 19:07

Anyoneseenmykeys, Bored now, of to my sons partners house for a few drinks

No one puts anyone at the bottom of the list in our family, women or anyone else.
Everyone is important.

BillyAndTheSillies · 04/10/2019 19:08

I had DC2 5 days ago. My in-laws are more than welcome to visit, as well as my own parents but the visits have a totally different momentum.

My MIL visits daily, brings food, chases other visitors out and holds the baby for half an hour before rushing off.

My parents will come in, ask me how I'm feeling, send DH and I to bed, pick DS1 up from nursery, tidy up etc.

So I suppose the difference is PIL's are here to see baby and need entertaining whereas my parents are here to see the baby and make sure I'm ok and look after me as their child. It's very different.

Wearywithteens · 04/10/2019 19:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

NoSauce · 04/10/2019 19:10

Goady thread probably started on the back of the other one that was deleted for being a troll.

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 19:13

@NoSauce not intentionally goady, but yes the other thread did make me think - especially as I have conversations with parents most days who are trying to find tactful ways of saying ‘no’ to visitors straight after their baby is born.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 19:14

With my first, my PIL have been there for us far more than my parents. I don’t know what we would have done if I had decided on a whim that I was going to treat them like second class citizens. Confused

NoSauce · 04/10/2019 19:17

Any old visitor is different to your PILs imo.
They are your husbands parents not the woman from down the street that wants a nosey at your baby. Anyway I’m guessing you don’t like your PILs?

Sorry haven’t rrt so if you’ve already said and cba repeating it I understand.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 19:19

It's a parenting site, but still, a thread about the need to respect a new mother's wishes is still called "goady".

What is wrong with people? Who cares if one individual prefers a welcoming party at home, whilst another wants to recover in peace? Who the hell think they have a right to trump a new mother's best interest?

It's astonishing that there are still posters arguing that it should be done that way or this way and everybody else is wrong - with a chosen list of insults no less Hmm

Cecilandsnail · 04/10/2019 19:22

I had my parents, best friend, aunt and uncle and 16 year old cousin and my brother and his girlfriend, and my grandparents visit me in hospital after my first! Not all at the same time mind. I liked it. They brought food!!! My cousin made me a massive box of cookies which I lived in for 4 days 😂 Made me very popular on the maternity ward as I shared them around! I can understand it's not for everyone though. Do what suits you. I will add that my brother and his girlfriend showed up while I was in labour though. Daft pair! They were young and wanted to be supportive. I thanked them very formally (between screaming contractions) gave DB a slurp on my gas and air and told them to go home 😆

NoSauce · 04/10/2019 19:25

I thought it was goady on the back of the troll thread that was deleted this afternoon and the way the first post was written.

Hmm
Wearywithteens · 04/10/2019 19:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Cecilandsnail · 04/10/2019 19:29

Had lots of family visit at home after too. For my first. By the third it wasn't quite so exciting and I had to take him to our weekly 'family tea' for all the meeting 😆 my family are insanely close though. Even my great aunts and second cousins turn up regularly for weekly tea. So I guess ita what your used to. I can't imagine keeping people away for 3 WEEKS though. Not umless you were very very ill. Its a bit if a fuck you isn't it...

seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 19:32

Its a bit if a fuck you isn't it...

It is. And when it’s people you claim to care about, who you would expect to lend you money if you were broke and send your kids presents at Christmas, it’s plain rude.

notangelinajolie · 04/10/2019 19:37

I had no problem with anyone visiting me in hospital or coming to the house after we got home. I was just as chuffed to show off my babies to friends and family as they were to come and meet them for the first time. First baby was a bit hard because forceps/gruesome birth/stitches meant I couldn't sit down but it was fine and nobody overstayed their welcome. I don't get the whole mum and baby living in a cotton wool bubble for weeks and weeks after the birth. But everyone is different and you want to keep baby to yourself for a few weeks then that is fine too.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 19:37

ts a bit if a fuck you isn't it..

if you feel the need to make it all about you, it sounds an appropriate reply, that's the whole point.

who you would expect to lend you money if you were broke and send your kids presents at Christmas, it’s plain rude.
and again, all about you. I naively thought most uncles/ grand-parents send presents to children at Christmas to make them happy, not to prove some kind of point.

The over-reaction of some posters tell you exactly why there are issues in the 1st place.

Ginger1982 · 04/10/2019 19:37

"What is wrong with people? Who cares if one individual prefers a welcoming party at home, whilst another wants to recover in peace? "

I think that's the point @anyoneseenmykeys. It really is the individual mum's choice and if I was happy to see my in-laws that's my choice. But the very title of the thread seems to be making a point of suggesting that if you do want visitors then there must be something wrong with you.

saraclara · 04/10/2019 19:37

This thread breaks my heart.
Everyone I know who's become/becoming a grandparent is so emotional about it. It's a huge thing.
To keep one set of grandparents away for anything other than a day or two, while the others get all the time in the world with the new member of the family is really cruel.
How hurt they would be. And it would lead to a vicious circle in your relationship with them.

How does then visiting for half an hour to meet the baby affect you, OP? You don't need to do anything but lie there, and your partner gets to show off his baby too.

You sound incredibly self centred. And yes, refusing to let them even meet their grandchild for a few minutes DOES sound like power play.

TheKitchenWitch · 04/10/2019 19:38

YANU if you can’t see that everyone is different and wants different things.
I had my both my parents and MIL in the hospital waiting for ds1 to be born (EC)! They saw us as soon as we’d been cleaned up!
And I had everyone dropping in when we got back home, family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues. It was lovely. Nobody overstayed or expected to be waited on. It was such a joyful time and so nice to share with people who were happy for us.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 19:39

anyoneseenmykeys

I think it’s sheer, unmitigated cheeky fuckery to expect people to keep loving and supporting your family when you treat them like strangers just because you can. And cruel. And entitled. But different strokes/folks and all that.

phoenixrosehere · 04/10/2019 19:40

Obviously no woman should feel obligated that she has to accept having visitors, however many women are still vulnerable after having their babies and feel obliged to accept it as to not cause conflict even when they have every right to say no.

Some poster said something about not understanding why someone would have family wait weeks and that it was about a power struggle. That’s not the case for some of us.

Yes, the second time we made a two week rule, but when you both recall how you felt the first time around having guests, you try not to make the same mistake twice. My mum lives in the States and she didn’t mind us wanting to have the time to ourselves with a new baby and 2 yo. She booked a flight four weeks from my due date in case I went over (I did by 4 days) and stayed with us afterwards for 10 days. It was great because, we weren’t stuck in the house and took the boys out and went different places.

We then drove up to my in-laws when he was a month old so all of my husband’s side (parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews ) could meet him and they all were able to have a cuddle, take pictures, and such which was better with him older because he was quite alert and giving hints of smiles.

If my husband’s parents felt jilted by it, they would have had to take it up with their son. Even though we agreed to it, it was his idea of no visitors for two weeks. He spent most of his paternity leave in the hospital with me and barely any time with us alone before his parents turned up the first time around. He admitted feeling horrible having to leave me with them to go to work knowing I wasn’t comfortable and was allowing it all to make his parents happy.

carly2803 · 04/10/2019 19:44

i wanted my mum straight after, not partners mum. i really will always rememebr that bit after it ruined things for me.

at your worst state, you want the only person in the world who you trust and has been there, your mother (IMO anyhow)!

CAG12 · 04/10/2019 19:46

This is quite an interesting MN comparison. A previous post about this subject was something like "Im the MIL and really think I should be able to see my newborn grandchild after birth", and she was told to rod off and stop being pushy.

This poster has said "I dont want my MIL to visit straight after birth", and has equally told shes being unreasonable.

The cynic in me thinks the MN AIBU is just a forum for arguments.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 19:51

think it’s sheer, unmitigated cheeky fuckery to expect people to keep loving and supporting your family when you treat them like strangers just because you can.

but you are not loving and supporting them when you try to intrude and push your will over their need, are you. And that's the entire point.

Taking the need of a new mum for privacy and wish to rest without visitors personally, and making it one more time all about you says a lot more about you than you seem to realise.

NoSauce · 04/10/2019 19:53

CAG12 I agree. I think on certain subjects, MILs being one of them they are trolled more than most subjects too. But for some reason people never catch on and get carried away often projecting their own stance, which can descend into a huge shit show.

Frt I am not accusing this particular OP of trolling.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 19:53

but you are not loving and supporting them when you try to intrude and push your will over their need, are you. And that's the entire point.

Which I haven’t said even once that I would do. So...

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