Sell our house..?

[Cornberry]

We are in a pickle and I desperately need some good advice.

Last December hubby and I bought our first house with help from parents and scraping everything we could. It was not in the area we wanted but we thought we’d adjust and eventually move our lives that direction (we live in London).
In January my daughter was unexpectedly accepted to a school close to where we used to live. We thought we would just deal with it but the commute has turned out to be a nightmare. Hour there and back each way. Impossible. No chance of me ever working. It’s about 7 miles away. In rush hour London it’s unbearable and there’s no transport near us.
Meanwhile I have been off work sick for a few months (I have MS) and I am now unexpectedly 10 weeks pregnant and suffering from extreme pregnancy sickness as I did with my first.
To cope we have had to move to my mum’s who lives closer to the school where my daughter started in September. There is no question that we want her to go there so that is not the issue.
My mum is unbearable and despite the fact that I’m staggering about vomiting she keeps making comments about how she needs her space etc. Basically we’re not welcome here and on top of my health problems the stress is a lot to take. Luckily a mum from school who lives round the corner is driving my daughter to school with her kids while I wait out the debilitating pregnancy sickness (which last time went until 30 weeks).
Meanwhile we are living out of bags and my amazing husband is working hard to stop my mum getting pissed off with us being here while looking after me and my daughter, but we need a solution. When baby no2 comes staying in our new house is out of the question. It’s a long commute for hubby too and I’m bound to relapse after giving birth (as I did last time) so we need to reorganise everything. Here is the problem. We can’t afford even a tiny flat nearer school and I can no longer get a mortgage due to reduced pay because of illness and now pregnancy. We thought the best option was to sell up and use our capital to pay rent for a few years while we hopefully find a way to improve our financial situation. My husband is a teacher and his salary doesn’t even cover rent for a two bed flat in the areas we need to be in to make school accessible. But people keep telling us it’s a mistake to sell and if we do we will never be able to buy again which is probably true. The area our house is in won’t bring much rent and after fees and tax it wouldn’t even cover the mortgage. Plus as we only just moved in it’s not currently fit to let and we have no time or money to do anything to it. Does anyone have any advice? We have no idea what to do and despite being sick I think it’s important to address this before the next baby arrives.

I think many people have read the MS as being morning sickness.

Op are you going to be able to live in a house that isn't adapted for you in future? I think you need to sell your house and rent, sadly with the real possibility that you may need a specially adapted house in future that is provided by social housing

You cannot adapt most rentals (private). The OP's husband may earn too much for them to qualify for grants for adaptations. The best bet is to own and to adapt from there, you can try for social housing but round our way a 4 person family would be put in a 2 bed flat. I would prefer the bigger house myself.

I think this "foreign school" at 4years old is not going to be worth it ,coupled with a pregnancy and illness.
My advice would be to make your home habitable, move back , send your child to "foreign" Saturday school and think more about secondary education for your children, which in my opinion is way more important than primary. I feel sorry for you however you were the master/mistress of your own destiny and it is now up to you and your husband to make the best choice for your family NOT any relatives .

Oh I know. But she was ill before the pg and is expecting another relapse after birth - definitely not morning sickness! (Although she has both - hats off to anyone with MS and nausea at the same time).
I'm in the new school camp too OP I'm afraid.

The OP's disability seems to be ignored by some posters.

I think the OP herself is trying to ignore this. The fact is, that with MS (Multiple Sclerosis, not morning sickness), this crazy commute is not sustainable in the long term. I presume that she has the relapsing remitting type as she talks about a probably relapse after the birth.
So while she might have times where things are relatively good on the health front and the commute is doable, there will be many times when it is all but impossible.
I think she needs to accept what she can and can't do and most importantly she needs to protect her own health by not subjecting herself to undue stress.

BUT she says moving schools is not an option.

I wonder what role her mother is playing in all of this. She gave them money to buy a house, yet she was the one pushing the school (apparently). Is she paying the fees? Would the OP have chosen another school if not under pressure from her mother?
OP has now had to move into her mother's house because of difficulties with attending this school her mother was pushing. Mother is now not happy. OP is not happy. No one is happy.
It all sounds completely out of control.

No school is worth this hassle.
I understand you are not well but open your eyes, your child is a member of the family her school is not more important than everything else. This school is not working for your family. ( there are 4 of you now)

If the school is more important than your happiness then let your daughter live with your mother and your mother can bring her to the magical school. This would be insane but you seem to be so focused on this school that you can't even consider her going anywhere else.

I hope you find a solution. Good luck.

Can you rent your house out to pay for you to rent near the school?

The OP having MS is all the more reason that she doesn’t set herself up for an hour commute each day for the next 12+ years.

YABU - picking schools so far away! MS relapse and skint so having second child! Unappreciative of your Mum's situation! Yup - YABVU

You need to face facts that you can't afford to live close enough to your first choice school.

I'm sorry for your circumstances as it must feel very difficult that you're not able to work because of a disability outside your control, but you're in denial. You need to move on and look at what options are open to you, not putting your head in the sand and blaming everyone/everything else for why it's not going to work out how you want.

Honestly I have lost count of all the bad life decisions in this post.

@MaddieElla 100% agree but I suspect the OP has flounced because she doesn’t like what she’s reading

It seems that it is not even really the school, it is the language of the school that is the crux. To me this seems to be akin to being really hungry but turning down a brioche because you want a croissant.

The fact that OP has MS is really significant here. If OP is pregnant and is suffering with morning sickness, will soon have a new born and the real risk of an MS flare-up/ relapse, then staying with mummy dearest with all in one room is a no go. Selling, moving and renting in the interim, well that would be somewhere close to mission impossible and sounds like it does not make financial sense at all.
Whereas, living in her home, with space for all and sending DD to a local school, building a local support network is by far and away the least risk, least stress and most practical solution.

I think OP is hoping someone is going to come on here to explain how to catch the unicorn that can shake the magic money tree to make all the obstacles fall away. Well that isn't going to happen because the magic unicorn is tied up outside the local school.

I think telling the Op to move schools isn't helping. She KNOWS that this is the best financial option. But she has her reasons for not doing so.

Your mum isn't happy about the whole family staying (understandably), so is there an option where your DD stays with your mum during the week and goes home at weekends? At least until you've time to find a better solution.

What part of london has no public transport anyway?

(I know I'm missing the point...)

I know, Grimbles I’m dying to know where the school is and where their house is.

I'm really confused as to why the idea that OPs Mum should take on the hard part of parenting, the school runs, the packed lunches, the school admin, the uniform washing, the morning madness, the dinner cooking, the PE kit sorting, and then OP and her husband get to have lovely family weekends together as a solution to this?

Well OP stated that DGM wants the dc to go to this school. I can't see any other way of making it happen.
Not that I think it is the most sensible solution.

Why did the OP's DM push the school but then give them money to move miles away? I'm confused. I agree with other posters; moving schools seems the only answer.

Sending your child to live elsewhere Mon=Fri when you are pregnant and then will have a new baby is a recipe for jealousy and distress. It is not worth it for a school! Even supposing the mum wanted to do that, which it sounds like she does not.

Can you explain why the school is so non-negotiable? I get that the bilingual aspect is desirable, but you also said that your mum was adamant DD should go there, as though that was actually the deciding factor, not the bilingualism. Given the strain you're under, I think you need to look at other ways of giving your DD access to the language/culture in question and move her to a school local to your home, as pp suggest. If your mum is unwilling to pick up the slack here (and I can't say I entirely blame her) then she's not really in a position to call the shots. Something has to give, and this is the obvious solution. If you tell us the language concerned, I bet we could help you find other options for your DD.

I wonder if the mum was just keen on the school because her grand daughter had surprisingly got in, but hadn't realised the consequences

Why would she lend money for a deposit for somewhere so far from the school

The OP might not get the price she paid for the house,
then there are all the legal costs, moving costs
AND the deposit etc to rent

Both sets of parents would have a right to be totally exasperated if most / all the deposit is lost through any move

If that's the AIBU, then YWBVVVU to sell up and rent near the school

After that debacle, the OP & her OH would probably have to save up everything themselves, from scratch, to buy any future property

The only option is to move schools. You are being self centred. Your mother gave you money towards a house. If it’s ‘non-negotiable’ as you say, then you have a problem with no solution in sight

Lots of parts of London have no decent transport and plenty have none might not help OP get to school

Sometimes you just can’t have what you want. As so many people have said, you need to change school. It’s not just the getting there every day, it’s the assemblies, sports day, school plays, parents evenings, picking up when they are sick. You will find this an absolute nightmare as time goes on, let alone doing all this with a newborn.
You have to face up to the fact this just doesn’t work and go and actually look at the closest school to you and maybe the next one too.