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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sell our house..?

331 replies

Cornberry · 04/10/2019 11:22

We are in a pickle and I desperately need some good advice.

Last December hubby and I bought our first house with help from parents and scraping everything we could. It was not in the area we wanted but we thought we’d adjust and eventually move our lives that direction (we live in London).
In January my daughter was unexpectedly accepted to a school close to where we used to live. We thought we would just deal with it but the commute has turned out to be a nightmare. Hour there and back each way. Impossible. No chance of me ever working. It’s about 7 miles away. In rush hour London it’s unbearable and there’s no transport near us.
Meanwhile I have been off work sick for a few months (I have MS) and I am now unexpectedly 10 weeks pregnant and suffering from extreme pregnancy sickness as I did with my first.
To cope we have had to move to my mum’s who lives closer to the school where my daughter started in September. There is no question that we want her to go there so that is not the issue.
My mum is unbearable and despite the fact that I’m staggering about vomiting she keeps making comments about how she needs her space etc. Basically we’re not welcome here and on top of my health problems the stress is a lot to take. Luckily a mum from school who lives round the corner is driving my daughter to school with her kids while I wait out the debilitating pregnancy sickness (which last time went until 30 weeks).
Meanwhile we are living out of bags and my amazing husband is working hard to stop my mum getting pissed off with us being here while looking after me and my daughter, but we need a solution. When baby no2 comes staying in our new house is out of the question. It’s a long commute for hubby too and I’m bound to relapse after giving birth (as I did last time) so we need to reorganise everything. Here is the problem. We can’t afford even a tiny flat nearer school and I can no longer get a mortgage due to reduced pay because of illness and now pregnancy. We thought the best option was to sell up and use our capital to pay rent for a few years while we hopefully find a way to improve our financial situation. My husband is a teacher and his salary doesn’t even cover rent for a two bed flat in the areas we need to be in to make school accessible. But people keep telling us it’s a mistake to sell and if we do we will never be able to buy again which is probably true. The area our house is in won’t bring much rent and after fees and tax it wouldn’t even cover the mortgage. Plus as we only just moved in it’s not currently fit to let and we have no time or money to do anything to it. Does anyone have any advice? We have no idea what to do and despite being sick I think it’s important to address this before the next baby arrives.

OP posts:
EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 07/10/2019 08:59

It’s not just about speaking the language, it’s about the qualification and the academic structure, not to mention the cultural element which my child will always lack not living in the country.

Has it occurred to you that perhaps this is as it should be? For whatever reason, this is the country you now find yourselves in and for your DD it will be 'home'. To raise and educate her as if she were living elsewhere seems quite cruel to me, unless the goal is to move (?back) there at some point during her childhood. But from what you say about this school taking her til 18, that seems not to be the case. Depending on her temperament, I can see that she might end up feeling like she doesn't belong anywhere - not here, but not other-country either, not in her home neighbourhood but not in the one she commutes to either - and also if the goal is to immerse her completely in another country's educational structure, curriculum and exam qualifications, I suspect many of the other pupils will be there temporarily while parents work abroad (here), so there'll be a lot of churn in her friendship group. It seems like her actual needs are being sidelined to indulge someone else's (your mum's?) fixation on the superiority of the 'old country'.

When I had a discussion with my mum about her going somewhere else she said over her dead body would we move her elsewhere.

This is all kinds of wrong. And it sounds like your insistence on the thread that you won't move her is actually your mother speaking. You yourself seem to be quite open to the logic of it - unsurprisingly, as all this effort and stress must be leaving you in a lot of physical pain if you have MS.

I think you need to unpack some of the complex emotions and motivations in this picture, as without that you're doing both yourself and your DD a massive disservice, all so that your mother shouldn't have to be upset about anything.

SunniDay · 07/10/2019 14:54

Strictlyhull

"Can't mum move into your new house?"

I think this is the kind of advice OP was hoping for? That her mum should divide her home for the OP, or move out and allow the family to live there, or sell it and give OP enough to buy in the area she would like to live? I expect lots of "why does your mum need a big house if she lives alone..." Would have gone down very well.

FluffyAlpaca19 · 07/10/2019 15:50

Has the OP flounce?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/10/2019 16:13

OK I haven't RTFT now.

The OP has given her decision.

if anyone wants to know what we will do, I think that we will sell and buy a small flat somewhere nearer but not as near as we would like.

Well, if you can do that, what was all the fuss about?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/10/2019 16:14

I have* RTFT Now (autobollox)

BarcelonaFreddie · 07/10/2019 23:08

I'll keep it brief: grow the fuck up, go back home, change your kid's school, and stop expecting your poor mother to wipe your arse for you.

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