Sell our house..?

[Cornberry]

We are in a pickle and I desperately need some good advice.

Last December hubby and I bought our first house with help from parents and scraping everything we could. It was not in the area we wanted but we thought we’d adjust and eventually move our lives that direction (we live in London).
In January my daughter was unexpectedly accepted to a school close to where we used to live. We thought we would just deal with it but the commute has turned out to be a nightmare. Hour there and back each way. Impossible. No chance of me ever working. It’s about 7 miles away. In rush hour London it’s unbearable and there’s no transport near us.
Meanwhile I have been off work sick for a few months (I have MS) and I am now unexpectedly 10 weeks pregnant and suffering from extreme pregnancy sickness as I did with my first.
To cope we have had to move to my mum’s who lives closer to the school where my daughter started in September. There is no question that we want her to go there so that is not the issue.
My mum is unbearable and despite the fact that I’m staggering about vomiting she keeps making comments about how she needs her space etc. Basically we’re not welcome here and on top of my health problems the stress is a lot to take. Luckily a mum from school who lives round the corner is driving my daughter to school with her kids while I wait out the debilitating pregnancy sickness (which last time went until 30 weeks).
Meanwhile we are living out of bags and my amazing husband is working hard to stop my mum getting pissed off with us being here while looking after me and my daughter, but we need a solution. When baby no2 comes staying in our new house is out of the question. It’s a long commute for hubby too and I’m bound to relapse after giving birth (as I did last time) so we need to reorganise everything. Here is the problem. We can’t afford even a tiny flat nearer school and I can no longer get a mortgage due to reduced pay because of illness and now pregnancy. We thought the best option was to sell up and use our capital to pay rent for a few years while we hopefully find a way to improve our financial situation. My husband is a teacher and his salary doesn’t even cover rent for a two bed flat in the areas we need to be in to make school accessible. But people keep telling us it’s a mistake to sell and if we do we will never be able to buy again which is probably true. The area our house is in won’t bring much rent and after fees and tax it wouldn’t even cover the mortgage. Plus as we only just moved in it’s not currently fit to let and we have no time or money to do anything to it. Does anyone have any advice? We have no idea what to do and despite being sick I think it’s important to address this before the next baby arrives.

passthecherry

thank you, sorry I missed that. Really irritating of me.

You took money off your parents to buy a house but now it's not good enough, so you expect to move back in with your folks on top of your health problems and your mum is the one who is 'unbearable'? Right.

Grow up and take responsibility for your choices.

Sometimes it's easy to get stuck on one thing and end up in a hopeless situation because we refuse to see the blindingly obvious. In this case, the obvious thing is that we can't always have what we want. Accepting that is truly the first step towards a huge reduction in stress for everyone.

OP, if you insist on getting your own way and not moving schools, you will destroy your relationship with your mother, your own health will probably suffer and your child will become aware that their schooling is the source of this huge problem. Everybody in your family will have to suffer the consequences of you not being able to accept that in this instance, you can't have what you want. Once you accept that, you will find both peace and a much more workable daily routine.

I think you know that you will have to change schools eventually. It's fine to hate that, and to have a little private tantrum about it. What is not fine is to force everyone else to be miserable so that you can have your own way. If you relapse after the birth of your baby, you will need all of the family goodwill and support you can muster- don't use it all up now.

@hullygully - she cannot afford to rent near the school. The rent they will get for the house won't cover the mortgage.

And yes @totalwasteofpaper - that is my suspicion! The school fees are very low because they're subsidised by the French government. Unfortunately, housing costs there are very high!

Why on earth would you want your child to go to a foreign school? Don't you want to stay in the UK? I say that as a bilingual person, you really need to choose the school which will help her in the future, not the one just so she can speak a language with 2 or 3 older people in her life.

OP, you can't have it all ways.

You either need to move school or put up with the decision you have made.

You want to live closer to the school but you can't afford it. That's the way it is.

Honestly I have lost count of all the bad life decisions in this post.

Why don’t you look at Saturday school in whatever language / system you want ? If it’s French we have 3 different Saturday schools within 30 minutes (SE London) that follow the French system. So local primary plus that could be a compromise ?

Oh dear. It is really a pickle that you have got yourselves into isn't.

I hope that you find your way forward. I always remember a friend (who is a teacher) saying to me that the very best school is the one that is closest to you for a primary school. And she was correct in the logic that it means that the school friends are close enough to make easy play dates and build those important networks.

As for your mother. I am the type of person that feels a great deal of pressure if I have people staying (even with the closest family I love dearly). It is a lot for some people to cope with for more than a few days and she may have relied on you to do all the extra work/cover costs etc your being there entails, but you are now not in a position to do it. She also may feel stressed by having your partner do it because she feels like a poor host even though he is now family. I probably would say to cut your mum quite a bit of slack too.

Long shot but will your DM swap houses with you more or less permanently? If she's so adamant that she wants your DD to go to that particular school then she'll be happy to make the sacrifice.

Or just do the easy and obvious thing and move schools. Pay for a tutor when in secondary school.

Could you afford to pay someone to take your DD to school every day if you lived in your house? If it is indeed the French Lycee, I know quite a few Imperial students do work for a childcare agency that trains students and older people as nannies. They charge £13 an hour. If you PM me, I can tell you the name of the agency although you could probably find it easily with google. There was an article about it in the Evening Standard a few weeks ago.

OP if you are not prepared to move your daughter to a closer school then your options are to either a) suck up the commute, b)to sell your house and rent somewhere closer and accept that you'll be renting for the next number of years or c) stay with your mum.

C isn't an option, though. You can't unilaterally decide your family are going to live in a house (rent-free, by the sounds of it) that belongs to someone who doesn't want you there! Otherwise she could just move them all into the house next door to the French school, problem solved.

*@Tensixtysix

If your school is more than 2 miles away you are entitled to a school bus place or a taxi.
Or does that not happen in London?*

This only happens if there are no places available at closer schools.

Rent your house out and find a flat to rent for a year. You may be able to remortgage, extend the term, go on interest only or transfer to buy to let. Don't let your house go, things may improve. Unless you are going to be in negative equity a house is a good investment, even if prices wobble a bit around brexit. Good luck

Not the point but I took Zofran for my morning sickness and it made life sooooo much more bearable while pregnant.

You can’t afford to live near the school, so not an option.

Your mum doesn’t want you staying there, so also not an option.

Move to a closer suburb that you can afford or sorry to say your daughter needs to change schools.

Clearly tell your mother who is pressuring you to keep daughter at her school that you cannot afford it and cannot transport a baby/toddler 4 hours a day. Give her the option to a- take care of daughter Mon-Fri b- let you stay with her or c- help pay for your rent in the school’s suburb that you can’t afford. If she doesn’t want to help then she has no right to argue you keep dd at the school

The op says renting her house out isn't feasible.

Your parents helped to fund your house purchase- a house that you have now left. Your mother has three extra people in her house, when she gave you money so you would be able to have your own place.

I’m not surprised she’s cross. It isn’t a few weeks, it’s months until you improve if your pregnancy follows the same path as the last. You can’t work, but you wouldn’t be anyway when the baby arrives.

What you want is for someone to give you a solution that will enable you to live near your daughter’s school. There isn’t one. Even if you lived near to the school, you’ll still be feeling unwell and that may be until your child is born. Then you’ll have to get he baby out to do the school run anyway.

The only way that you can afford a property that would be convenient would be for your husband to get a promoted post with more money. If he gets such a job for January, you’ll still have to wait to get the mortgage that you need.

So the only remotely practical solution is the one you won’t accept. Move the school. If I were your mother, I’d be pretty fed up that I’d part funded your house purchase and you’d walked out on it. And then expected that you’d be housed in her home for an indefinite time.

Stay in the house you own, move your child to the school she would have gone to had she not unexpectedly got a place at the current one and look forward to the new baby.

OK, so you are basically having to decide between

• your health
• the sanity of your husband
• maintaining a good relationship with your mother
• doing the best for your family

AND

• a 4 year old MUST go to a specific school

Of course we all want to do the best for our DC, but does the school really outweigh all the other factors?

What was your plan B if you hadn't got DD into the school of your dreams? Presumably that was an acceptable plan B or you wouldn't have bought where you did.

"I just don’t want to be bullied while I’m here and sick for a few weeks."

It is not "bullying" to say you don't want your DD & OH plus soon to be 2 babies living with you for an unknown period of time

If you do not have the income to rent or buy near the school,
then you have to change to a school near where your house is

Yes, you want that school
Someone else might want their DC to go to Eton

Not happening without the money

If it is CDG I can see our conundrum and it’s probably one of the few instances is agree with staying at the school BUT you still have options. In that situation I’d seriously consider discussing your DD living with mum mon- fri, or at least a few week days.

I don’t think it is though as you mention a mum round the corner driving her and your children which isn’t a usual way to drop off round there

babies DC

As all previous posters have said... move schools and this will resolve a lot of your issues.

I can also see why your poor mum may be a bit peeved. You're lucky that there is a nice parent who has taken on the role of driving her around.

I hope you make the smart decision of not selling your house and renting just so your daughter can go to a specific school. That would be ridiculous and a really terrible financial decision.

I lived with family when I was really sick and needed to be close to the hospital (also financial reasons).

It was hell.

I wasn’t welcome either & used for babysitting and cleaning (even though I was sick).

Your only option is to change your daughters school.

It’s clear your mother wants her house back. Remember this when she wants to move in with you - you already know it won’t work.

Some people just can't be helped and are hell bent on making their own lives stressful it would seem. There is a reason people are largely advising the same thing OP. With financial struggles and serious health concerns that you say will get worse. Clinging to the school doggedly is a mistake, and a costly and stressful one at that. Stress is not good for your health surely , nor is the endless commute and upheaval helpful for your DD.

If the quality of life is this low anyway why not consider leaving London? Unless your DP has alternative career options then you will always struggle financially if you are not able to work full time. What is the long term plan? Things won't 'just' improve over time OP and property in London isn't a very safe bet at the moment.