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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sell our house..?

331 replies

Cornberry · 04/10/2019 11:22

We are in a pickle and I desperately need some good advice.

Last December hubby and I bought our first house with help from parents and scraping everything we could. It was not in the area we wanted but we thought we’d adjust and eventually move our lives that direction (we live in London).
In January my daughter was unexpectedly accepted to a school close to where we used to live. We thought we would just deal with it but the commute has turned out to be a nightmare. Hour there and back each way. Impossible. No chance of me ever working. It’s about 7 miles away. In rush hour London it’s unbearable and there’s no transport near us.
Meanwhile I have been off work sick for a few months (I have MS) and I am now unexpectedly 10 weeks pregnant and suffering from extreme pregnancy sickness as I did with my first.
To cope we have had to move to my mum’s who lives closer to the school where my daughter started in September. There is no question that we want her to go there so that is not the issue.
My mum is unbearable and despite the fact that I’m staggering about vomiting she keeps making comments about how she needs her space etc. Basically we’re not welcome here and on top of my health problems the stress is a lot to take. Luckily a mum from school who lives round the corner is driving my daughter to school with her kids while I wait out the debilitating pregnancy sickness (which last time went until 30 weeks).
Meanwhile we are living out of bags and my amazing husband is working hard to stop my mum getting pissed off with us being here while looking after me and my daughter, but we need a solution. When baby no2 comes staying in our new house is out of the question. It’s a long commute for hubby too and I’m bound to relapse after giving birth (as I did last time) so we need to reorganise everything. Here is the problem. We can’t afford even a tiny flat nearer school and I can no longer get a mortgage due to reduced pay because of illness and now pregnancy. We thought the best option was to sell up and use our capital to pay rent for a few years while we hopefully find a way to improve our financial situation. My husband is a teacher and his salary doesn’t even cover rent for a two bed flat in the areas we need to be in to make school accessible. But people keep telling us it’s a mistake to sell and if we do we will never be able to buy again which is probably true. The area our house is in won’t bring much rent and after fees and tax it wouldn’t even cover the mortgage. Plus as we only just moved in it’s not currently fit to let and we have no time or money to do anything to it. Does anyone have any advice? We have no idea what to do and despite being sick I think it’s important to address this before the next baby arrives.

OP posts:
JuniperBeer · 04/10/2019 12:26

You say that you don’t think it’s too much for your mum “to put up with you for a few weeks” but you said yourself your sickness lasted THIRTY weeks with your last pregnancy. 20 more weeks is not “a few weeks”. Move schools. Give your mum a break.

Passthecherrycoke · 04/10/2019 12:26

you obviously applied for a school near your old home where you no longer live so how was it supposed to work? You’ve said yourself paid employment would be impossible to maintain with the commute. Then you’ve got pregnant, complicating things even further

This is shortly after you’ve done everything and taken family money to buy a house. It all sounds so chaotic and disorganised.

I agree with everyone else the only solution. Is a move back to your house. You’ve created this situation and made it so Complex yourselves. I mean moving into your mums house with bags to facilitate a school run is crazy.

OrchidInTheSun · 04/10/2019 12:26

@tensixtysix - it doesn't apply because the OP has schools which are nearer. But she doesn't want to send her child to those schools.

eeksville · 04/10/2019 12:27

@Tensixtysix I believe only if there is not a nearby suitable school which I imagine is pretty rare in London. According to google maps I have about 11 primaries within 1mile of my house.

Snazzygoldfish · 04/10/2019 12:28

I'm so sorry you are ill, that sounds really tough.

You really have no choice though but to move your daughter to a local school.

If your husbands a teacher though. Could you not consider throwing all your dice in the air and him apply for jobs around the uk and move to a cheaper area away from London?

missbattenburg · 04/10/2019 12:28

Move schools, live in your house, spend any saved money (e.g. less petrol) on private additonal tutoring to fill the gap you believe exists between local schools and this special foreign school.

Or leave London completely. I did it - it's nice out here in the Rest Of The Country Grin

The alternative is to spend the rest of your life renting a house that still involves a long commute to the foreign school because you cannot afford to live nearer. You lose the chance of ever owning your own home and the additional security that brings.

Which school your mum wants your daughter to go to is not esepcially relevant, imo.

Hullygully · 04/10/2019 12:29

Rent your house out and use the money to rent near the school

dottiedodah · 04/10/2019 12:29

Have you considered Home Education ? Your husband is a teacher and may be able to help at W/E ,Evenings and so on.You can find out online and there may be different groups of people already doing so that you could find out about?.Try to see Mums point of view if you can .Its very difficult for her and she may be feeling a bit invaded!.Have you considered moving out of London ? ,homes are often cheaper and there may be a School that you like there.Your Mum has no right to tell you which School she prefers!(Maybe she would like to pay for a private school)!

Reallybadidea · 04/10/2019 12:30

@Tensixtysix

You're only entitled to free school transport if the closest suitable school is more than 2 miles away. If you choose to send your child to a school 7 miles away when they could go to one closer then you have to make your own travel arrangements.

Passthecherrycoke · 04/10/2019 12:30

If it’s ie a Greek or Russian school could she do Saturday school instead? That’s what all my friends do who want their children to have a foreign language education

SmallPinkBear · 04/10/2019 12:33

As someone else has suggested, can you not move to somewhere on a tube or bus route to the school which is cheaper and then buy? At least that way you have an easy way in and out.... not ideal i agree but if you dont want to move schools I am not sure what else i would suggest...

eeksville · 04/10/2019 12:33

I cannot think of any primary school in London that's worth a 7mile commute.

katewhinesalot · 04/10/2019 12:35

If you can't rent it out and rent somewhere else; if you can't send her to another school, then you have no other option but to sell.

I guess you could try a house swap but how you'd do that I have no idea.

RoLaren · 04/10/2019 12:36

Ask your Mum if DD can stay at hers Mon-Fri?

Neron · 04/10/2019 12:38

Yes you are in a self created pickle. Unfair to say your mother is bullying you, and your attitude is wrong. She's already hosting you all, you're not working so she isn't getting any time in her own house alone, you're pregnant and vomiting all the time. Are you planning on staying there with the new baby too?
Completely agree with other PP about you needing to change schools. Can you do that for a couple of years, until you are in a better financial position and the house is improved. You may have some equity to move then?

BrexitBingoGenerator · 04/10/2019 12:39

Have you talked to your daughter about how she feels in all this? Living that far away from school means she won’t live near any of the other children and will probably not love the 7 mile commute each day. Factor in the fact that she will be acutely aware of any tension between you and your mum and the fact that you are ill and the fact that there is a new baby coming and you will have an extremely dangerous combo there potentially. Be very careful about this- your poor daughter could end up suffering really terribly. If I were you I would move to a school nearer to your house, for her sake and no-one else’s. Ok it might not be foreign, but at least you stand a chance of her being at least a tiny bit happier. Good luck op and hope the sickness eases soon.

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 04/10/2019 12:39

OP if you are not prepared to move your daughter to a closer school then your options are to either a) suck up the commute, b)to sell your house and rent somewhere closer and accept that you'll be renting for the next number of years or c) stay with your mum.

None of them make nearly as much sense as moving her school which I'm sure you have valid reasons for wanting her to attend but it is not the right thing for her or for you as a family. Even when she moves up to High/primary school (whichever is next) she won't then be close to friends as she won't get into the same schools as them, that's just not fair.

Sunshinelollipops1 · 04/10/2019 12:39

Your plan doesn’t sound sensible even if the school was worth it. Sell, use up the equity for rent and hope your financial situations improves. With all due respect, your husband is a teacher and you have a serious illness and will have a baby - how is it going to sustainably and lastingly improve?

Can you afford to rent for 7 years to get your eldest through primary, what about child number 2, will you want them to go through same school?

I agree with others. In the interim move your child to a school close to your home. Then I think you should think of selling up and moving somewhere where will your equity will get you more. If you DH is a teacher could he move into the private sector - a lot of schools give discounts for teachers.

WhoCaresWins01 · 04/10/2019 12:40

OP. As much as you don't want to hear it the only answer is to move schools. You have MS and will soon have a newborn to look after too. You need to be realistic.

IsobelRae23 · 04/10/2019 12:40

OP won’t get a taxi paid for her as she made the decision to send her child there not the authority.

Hullygully · 04/10/2019 12:41

NO IT ISN'T

RENT THE HOUSE OUT AND RENT NEAR THE BLOODY SCHOOL

Passthecherrycoke · 04/10/2019 12:41

If your only option is to sell it and use the capital to rent you have to think how the rest of your lives will pan out because no offence, but this was a huge mistake so you need to be careful not to walk into another

As you say you’ll spend the capital on rent and rent near the new school. You won’t be able to buy again unless your circumstances change. Your rent will increase regularly and you’ll be stuck paying it.
For example when I bought my house houses in the area rented for £1,000 pcm. 5 years later they are going for £1450 pcm. A renter needs to find that £450. My mortgage repayment is the same as it was 5 years ago.
What will you do in 10,20,30’yeats time? Just hope you’re circumstances change? Many peoples do, to be fair, but worth thinking about.

Secondly, a more complex idea. There is obviously a bit of family money as they helped you out. Is there a family member who would be willing to buy half your house. You use the cash to do it up into a rentable condition. You then rent it out with the family member as an investor also? It’s a pretty good deal for a family member who has some cash lying about.

Passthecherrycoke · 04/10/2019 12:42

@hullygully OP said from the start the house is not in a rentable condition and the monthly rent wouldn’t cover their mortgage

everyonecaneffoff · 04/10/2019 12:42

Could you maybe explain a little more about the school and why she has to go there? (Apart from the fact your mother was pushing it).
That might help us to understand why she absolutely has to go there even when it is clearly completely impractical and the course of the problems.
Is it because you want her to be brought up bilingually? Are you or your DH native speakers of another language? What options would there be for your child to attend a normal English speaking primary school near where you live and attend a Saturday school in the relevant language?
I went to school with girls who attended "Hebrew school" or "Chinese school" all day on Saturdays. Is this an option?

I really think the priority should be you and your MS, not a particular school 7 miles away which is almost impossible for you to get to. This hour back and forth business every day for the next x years is really not going to help your MS. Your health is more important than anything else.

Your child will be fine at a local primary school.

Totalwasteofpaper · 04/10/2019 12:42

Sorry but you sound entitled and inconsiderate Confused

You’ve basically made a string of bad choices, and sound resentful and jealous of your mother..:

As a side note I’m wondering if the next post is where we discover the “foreign school” is lycée français Charles de Gaulle de Londres and you are living in your mothers £15m apartment in south ken as you can’t face the commute from dreaded zone 3 Grin