Sell our house..?

[Cornberry]

We are in a pickle and I desperately need some good advice.

Last December hubby and I bought our first house with help from parents and scraping everything we could. It was not in the area we wanted but we thought we’d adjust and eventually move our lives that direction (we live in London).
In January my daughter was unexpectedly accepted to a school close to where we used to live. We thought we would just deal with it but the commute has turned out to be a nightmare. Hour there and back each way. Impossible. No chance of me ever working. It’s about 7 miles away. In rush hour London it’s unbearable and there’s no transport near us.
Meanwhile I have been off work sick for a few months (I have MS) and I am now unexpectedly 10 weeks pregnant and suffering from extreme pregnancy sickness as I did with my first.
To cope we have had to move to my mum’s who lives closer to the school where my daughter started in September. There is no question that we want her to go there so that is not the issue.
My mum is unbearable and despite the fact that I’m staggering about vomiting she keeps making comments about how she needs her space etc. Basically we’re not welcome here and on top of my health problems the stress is a lot to take. Luckily a mum from school who lives round the corner is driving my daughter to school with her kids while I wait out the debilitating pregnancy sickness (which last time went until 30 weeks).
Meanwhile we are living out of bags and my amazing husband is working hard to stop my mum getting pissed off with us being here while looking after me and my daughter, but we need a solution. When baby no2 comes staying in our new house is out of the question. It’s a long commute for hubby too and I’m bound to relapse after giving birth (as I did last time) so we need to reorganise everything. Here is the problem. We can’t afford even a tiny flat nearer school and I can no longer get a mortgage due to reduced pay because of illness and now pregnancy. We thought the best option was to sell up and use our capital to pay rent for a few years while we hopefully find a way to improve our financial situation. My husband is a teacher and his salary doesn’t even cover rent for a two bed flat in the areas we need to be in to make school accessible. But people keep telling us it’s a mistake to sell and if we do we will never be able to buy again which is probably true. The area our house is in won’t bring much rent and after fees and tax it wouldn’t even cover the mortgage. Plus as we only just moved in it’s not currently fit to let and we have no time or money to do anything to it. Does anyone have any advice? We have no idea what to do and despite being sick I think it’s important to address this before the next baby arrives.

Moving schools IS an option, it’s actually pretty much your only sensible opinion but you’re discarding it because it’s not your preference. You need to wake up a bit! You’ve had a lot of help and support. From your mum too, who is now irritating you because she’s actually wanting a life. Selling the house would be throwing back the family support to buy your house back in their faces. You need to live within your means - you can’t afford to live in the area you want.. You’ve the option of moving anywhere in the country with your husband’s job. You’ve not stuck at all, only in your heads.

God almighty. I would pay good money to NOT send my kids to the lycée francais Awful place.

We thought the best option was to sell up and use our capital to pay rent for a few years while we hopefully find a way to improve our financial situation. My husband is a teacher and his salary doesn’t even cover rent for a two bed flat in the areas we need to be in to make school accessible.

Once the capital is gone and, if with second child, your financial situation hasn't improved and you still can't pay afford to pay rent in the area of the current school is in - what's the plan?

Also, what PotPlantKiller says what if the next child doesn't get in - how are you going to do two school runs?

I think you need to look longer term - possibly move schools, possibly look to move out of London to somewhere with more affordable housing costs.

I've found saving post children harder - so I'd expect it would be really hard to save the deposit again and there's not guarantee your parents will help with a second deposit in the future. I think if you use the money on rent you may well find it impossible to save enough deposit again.

You are using melodramatic language in order to provoke sympathy, nothing that riles me more as it's incredibly manipulative - which tells me a lot about you OP.

Your Mum quite clearly wants her own space, it's a massive thing for her daughter, husband and grandchild to live in her home.
Especially a daughter who is there all of the time "staggering about vomiting". That's a fucking guilt trip, her days of looking after you are supposed to be done - she even helped you get your own place.

You say there's plenty of space - of course you would - she's clearly telling you otherwise, as it her right, it's not bullying or being unkind FFS.

You keep putting up obstacles to every solution which are

1. Move schools - bottom line is you can't afford to send your daughter there. This is true for a lot of families the country/world over. Deal with it.

If you can't accept that truism then:

1. Rent out your house and rent a flat - I severely doubt that any London property would not generate much rent or not cover your mortgage when tiny bedsits rent for £1k+

1. Sell your house and rent a flat.

What were you hoping that people would say?

No chance of me ever working. It’s about 7 miles away. In rush hour London it’s unbearable and there’s no transport near us.

You said this in your opining post
Move schools , you are very very entitled

You need to move schools.

I'm bilingual and a teacher (though not teaching at the moment, except for private tuition) and wanted dc to attend a foreign school in my second language, but not enough to want us to trek across London every day, so we went for a local school.

The school is not the most important element in raising a bilingual child. The main reason you would want a foreign school is if you're intending to move to the other country at some point during the dc's education and need a syllabus/qualifications that are recognised in that country. That's not an issue for primary.

Go back to your own home, with your family, and get your dd into a closer school.

If you want a bilingual child, OPOL is ideal. Lots of resources in the language of the country you're not living in (books, DVDs, music, posters etc.). If you can afford it and have the space, get an au pair from that country. Travel as often as you can to the country and have regular contact with other speakers. If you don't already have friends in London who speak the language, there are a lot of meet-ups for parents who speak various languages, plus clubs, Saturday schools etc.

BlockedandDeleted

100% what they said

I'd love to hear the school mum who's doing all OP's school runs's version of this story.

Early years education is important, but you have the most flexibility in those years. All factors considered, you really have to accept that something has to give and the least worst option is to change schools. @Shinysun made a great point of the advantages of being in a local school and I think that you have failed to take that into account. The school is the straw that is breaking the camels back.

I think you are focusing far too much on the school as it os what you want rather than what is best. Have you asked you child if they want to spend 2 hours commuting everyday? Does your child want to be educated in a foreign language? How does the child feel about not having any school friends in the local area who they can play with on evenings and weekends? Given it was unlikely your firat child would ve accepted by this school how likely is it that your secind child will be accepted and if they aren't how will you manage having to get the children to different schools every day.

You haven't said which international school your child attends but I think in all likelihood it is a european one. With Brexit looming will an international school really offer all of the benefits that you are expecting? In a post Brexit world where the UK has fewer dealings with the EU will speaking a european language fluently offer the same advantage in the job market as it does now? Post Brexit it will probably be more difficult for UK citizens to travel, study, live and work in the EU so will your child have good opportunities to use the language she is learning? Will your child's chance of admission to a UK university be lower due to a foreign qualification? As far as I am aware there is an EU agreement which allows UK universities to recognise european qualifications as equivalent to A Levels but post Brexit universities may devalue foreign qualifications and demand more of those applying with non UK school results.

If you didn’t think your daughter would “have a hope in hell” of getting into that particular school, why on earth are you turning your lives upside down now she has?

Pretend she didn’t. Do what you would have done then. You seem intent on making life as hard for yourself (and your mum) as possible, and not taking advice here even though you asked for it

I need to know the school! Can't be the Japanese school on the Acton/ Ealing border (is that still there?) as Acton is affordable (for London at least!)

OP my children have a foreign dad. They go to the local school and he speaks his language at home. We have books/ DVDs/ games in that language. They understand it and speak a bit and when they're older it will be under the surface if they want to take it more seriously/ live in their dad's country.

Why did you ever think a school so far away would be a good idea? Your daughter won’t make any local friends that way.

I’m not entirely sure what Op wanted people to suggest? There isn’t a other option but to change schools. It’s only going to get worse when the baby arrives and you have to deal with the commute.

I guess the OP was just looking for a solution she hadn’t yet considered. I mean no offence but if the answer was obvious and she was happy with it why would she ask mumsnet?

You should be looking much further down the line OP.
You are going to have two dc, a lower income level for central London and your health is likely to decline.
What can you do to future proof your life as much as possible now?
This might be relocating to an area where housing is significantly cheaper but your husband can still work.
Or it might be future proofing your new home and building a good local network of friends.
The only way I can see your dd attending this school would work is if your dm parents her during the week and you have her at the weekend but is this school really worth that?

I think because you didn't think that your daughter would get into your first choice of school, when she did it felt like you'd won the lottery. This made you pretend the commute would work out. I think you need to consider that sending her was a poor decision rather than trying to make it into the right decision by turning everything else upside down.

Everyone's already said it - move your daughter's school. It really is the only option you have. As another PP put it best:

this school fixation isn't worth collapsing a bought house, relationship with mum, making yourself ill and making a tiny baby travel 2 hours or more a day, plus your DD won't be able to sustain friendships out of area

AND you won't be able to work

It's only Primary ffs. I could understand this sort of a decision for Secondary, but for Primary - NO! You really need to give your head a wobble on this one.

Remember OP that as your child gets older she will be offered playdates, parties, after school activities, sports etc. Living so far away from a school will mean weekends committed to driving her around - an ditto for your other child.
I suspect that you're reeling from some of the blunt advice you've been given on here but people are right. Your daughter is 4 and a school close to your home where she will have a community of children to get to know and develop friendships with is what she needs. Not a nightmare commute OR your family squashed up in one room with your reluctant mother.
There is a solution to this - and it is in your hands.

AIBU does make me laugh.

"Please give me some advice"
Advice
"No I don't like this advice, you lot are horrible".

No primary school can be worth this amount of stress!
I also don’t think OP will be back, she hasn’t liked the fact that the majority of people have pointed out the obvious!

Ignore the comment from @Marinetta on the grounds of misguided ignorance.

"we didn’t think we had a hope in hell of getting her in that’s why we moved away"

That makes no sense at all imo.

You would have either not applied or postponed moving until you knew.

You said your Mother is determined your DD would go to that school, but she is not the parent, you and your DH are.

Your DD going to that school doesn't work for your family. It will be lowering your DD's standard of living, she'll have to live in cramped conditions, or spend the time other children do after school clubs/activities driving back and forth. She won't have any local friends to play with at weekends. She's unlikely to have a group she knows from primary at her secondary etc.

Have you even looked at the schools local to your new house to see if they really are so bad to justify lowering your DCs standard of living so much to make sure they go to this school in an area you don't and can't live in easily?

This is bonkers. No wonder your mum is pissed off.