To pretend DC was named after my Dad

[MummyToBe89]

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

OH SAW your update on page 2 OP. For the best, like another poster said, can't see you regretting it.

You could upset your Mum so much she will never get over it. There are lots of lovely names apart from your Dad’s. Use one of those.

Sorry OP just seen the update. It gave me goosebumps! You are so doing the right thing.

I think that’s like a slap in the face to your poor mum who gave up so much for you...why would you chose to hurt her like that?

Really I would re think this. Whatever you may say at some time it could be hurtful to your mother. Can you imagine the scene at a christening when some persons does the 'aghhh isnt that lovely named after your dad'. You cant exactly hand out leaflet explaining the reasoning. My mother asked me to change my name many years after her divorce once I was legally able to because my birth father had chosen it. |I know this isnt the same but she has obviously been a good mum to bring up a kind sensitive daughter so if you can rethink I would. Alternatively talk names with her, coffee and a long chat and just drop the name in along with others and see the reaction.

I think there is a distinct danger you Mum will be upset after she has put in all the hard work. Try talking to her and if she cannot stand the situation I would really try to pick another name.

I have known a couple of occasions where a useless dad has left and the new BF hasn’t put in decades of real parenting to their, de facto, stepchild. Then on graduation day the child picks their blood father to have the ticket to watch the ceremony. Cruel beyond IMHO.

Sorry, your mum, not you mum. Useless autocorrect!

Personally I think you should think again for your DMs sake. I was bullied badly at school and my DSis knew it. She also knew the names of the girls who bullied me. That didn't stop her using both girls names when naming her DD. I found it really hard and did mention it. She just said "it's not the same spelling so it shouldn't matter".(think Catherine Jane and Kathryn Jayne) It has mattered. I didn't want it to but I have found it really hard to have a relationship with my 10yo niece because of the terrible memories it brings back.

I wouldn’t use the name. I wouldn’t want to upset my mum

I have been a similar position. My dad was an awful dad, and abusive to my mum. They spilt when I was a teenager. My brother had my dads name and I’d have liked to have used it in my child’s name but I didn’t as I wouldn’t have wanted him to think it was in honour of him, and also my mum would’ve been upset as she raised us not him. If I were you I’d pick something else. Someone suggested a male version of your mums name, that’s a wonderful idea and would probably make your mum so happy.

I love the name Arthur

I would look for a name from your mother’s family as the first name and include your Dads as a second and let your child decide later. Your Dad walked away your mother didn’t she deserves the reward for looking after you.

This is a male name so why should your mum feel left out?
When and if you have girl her name could be given as a middle name perhaps. You might also be feeling a little more sensitive and worrying unnecessarily just because you are pregnant.

I'd change the name tbh, then nobody can be upset.

Um, the OP's update stating what she has decided to do is on page 12.

Excellent update OP 👍 😊

Lovely updated. You’ve shown that your wonderful mum raised a wonderful daughter. You’ll be a great mum to your own little one because you’ve already learned the skill of knowing what’s really compromise, love and family.

Glad you saw sense OP.

I wouldn’t use the name.

I wouldn’t put your mum in the position of having to give an opinion on it, however forthright she might be.

There are other names that would cause less concern, upset and controversy; use them.

Hmm, on the one hand you should be able to name your son whichever name you like, but I think this will be incredibly hurtful to your mum.

I’m in the same boat as your mum and I’d be massively hurt if my son did this in the future.

Please do not underestimate what your mother has gone through to bring you up. It also says a lot about your mother that she is able to be on good terms with someone who had made her life incredibly difficult.

She has done that for your sake.

How about honouring your mum in the name you choose? ( maybe her maiden name as a middle name?)

Oops just saw the update.

Well done OP. That's a good thing you're doing.

Plenty of names in the world, why butter your Dad up and upset your Mum who has always been there for you?

I wouldn't use the name.

Single parenting is hellishly hard. I take my hat off to those who do it. Our society allows men to swan off, pay fuck all and do fuck all, and doesn't really judge them very much. Yet if a woman does what so many men do, and just walks and doesn't look back (until the kids are grown enough that it stops being an expense and hard work, and starts to be a pleasure) then she's seen as evil. And even when they do stay and do everything, single mothers are judged very harshly over all their choices, too. Despite doing the lion's share of the work, and, usually, spending most, or all, of the money.

Your mum will have sacrificed a huge amount for you because your father cared more for himself than his kids. That's the reality. Giving your child your father's name now is an absolute kick in the teeth for her, and there's no way it won't hurt badly. No name is worth that.

I'm still married to my kids' dad, incidentally, so no horse in this race. It just seems really obvious to me that your Mum deserves better.

OP I'm so sorry - page didn't show all replies until I refreshed, by which time I'd posted! Glad you've made this decision - and your mum does sound wonderful. I'm sure your new baby will bring her a huge amount of joy.

Pick another name. It's actually quite a hurtful thing to do to your mum even if it is just because you like the name. Liking the name itself is almost irrelevant.