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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend DC was named after my Dad

408 replies

MummyToBe89 · 04/10/2019 10:38

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

OP posts:
Doyoureallyneedtoask · 05/10/2019 11:50

A name is rarely ‘just a name*’.

Choosing a name is complicated. There is a very busy name board on this website which shows some of the complexities and in depth thought processes that go into choosing names.

People are drawn to certain names names because of what they feel /represent when they hear the name. The name of a family member is not just any name. It is their name.

It’s either positive, negative or neutral.

The OP says it is neutral. I’m not a psychologist so accept this. However the name isn’t neutral for her mother who raised her and is still a close family member. Surely that itself is enough to choose another name. But not only is the OP going to use it, she is going to try to hoodwink other people, she is planning to discuss it with her mother and put it on her mother’s shoulders. It is very selfish and I think this is the OP’s true character.

OP if your grandmother abandoned your mother as a child, if she had no part in her upbringing, if she swanned around as if she was a free childless woman, having different relatiobships would YOU be proud to share her name?

TheBeesKnee · 05/10/2019 11:51

I find it really interesting and telling that you approached this issue Fromm your father's POV - to placate him, make him feel special by making him think that you're picking his name for him, rather than from your mother's perspective. What a shocking lack of empathy.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 05/10/2019 11:54

If you tell your mum that you just like the name and there is still bitterness between your parents then it will eventually be thrown in one of their faces.

Zucker · 05/10/2019 11:55

Your mother has done such a good job at protecting you from your feckless father that you honestly think she will be ok with this.

It will be a kick in the teeth for her. There are millions of names out there get a different 1.

HotChocolateLover · 05/10/2019 11:56

There’s so many names out there that I just couldn’t do it to my mum if it were me. Sorry @MummyToBe89 What style of name do you like?

CallmeAngelina · 05/10/2019 11:59

What I think is more shocking, tiajon, (and others who say, "fuck it, do what you want") is your complete lack of empathy or understanding towards this situation.
Good luck in your life, if this is how you live it.

girlintheglass · 05/10/2019 12:04

Call your baby what you like. It's your baby. People should move on. It's not your fault your parents relationship didn't work out and you can't be expected to tip toe around it for ever. Be happy with what you choose, they had their choices this time is yours

beanaseireann · 05/10/2019 12:13

Use the name as a second name.
If your Dad left your Mum and didnt step up to the plate in rearing you - financially and giving you his time- I certainly wouldn't honour him.

beanaseireann · 05/10/2019 12:24

Seoirse is George in Irish.
Pronounced Shore sha
Not helpful probably if you live in UK.
Again I'd associate George with Prince George.
What about Jordan ?

Sowingbees · 05/10/2019 12:30

I would think that the Op is desperately trying to please her father and that she still has issues surrounding being abandoned by him. There a so many names there is a subconscious reason you are choosing this one.

CallmeAngelina · 05/10/2019 12:39

And here we have another one with girlintheglass.

IHaveBrilloHair · 05/10/2019 12:57

What happens if you use George and it turns out that not only is your Dad a shit Dad, but a shit Grandad too, will you expect your Mum to pick up the pieces then?

Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 05/10/2019 13:08

Thank you all for your brutally honest replies!

I spoke to my DP last night. I said I didn’t feel comfortable using the name as I don’t want to upset my DM. DP was obviously disappointed but agreed we’d never want to upset my mum.

We had 2 other names (both have which have also been suggested here) so we’ll probably go with one of those. We have also agreed not to think about it until he’s born now as it’s causing unnecessary stress.

It’s also been nice to get an insight to how my mum may have felt in the past or now. I text her last night (we live in different countries) and told her I’m booking her a spa day to say thank you for being an amazing mum. She told me she cried and it meant so much so thank you to you all for giving me clarity Grin

OP posts:
BlockedandDeleted · 05/10/2019 13:11

Really want to know the other names now!

ThatCurlyGirl · 05/10/2019 13:11

Ah OP what a lovely update! That's so sweet and I hope you both have a lovely time Thanks

GrandmaSteglitszch · 05/10/2019 13:19

That's wonderful, MummyToBe89.
Keep an open mind when your little boy is born - another name altogether might come to you and DP. Flowers

twirlypoo · 05/10/2019 13:22

Oh OP, your update made me all tearful Flowers

I hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and your mum enjoys her spa day!

Jesse70 · 05/10/2019 13:23

If u like the name use it !
I'm not into naming kids after family members but I don't like my parents or his parents names so I would not use them
If they had a name I liked then yeah why not
Your child u and your partner get to decide what to call him

EileenAlanna · 05/10/2019 13:25

@MummyToBe89 what a wonderful update. You've done a good thing & your DM's reaction to your booking her a spa day shows just how much a show of your love means to her. Once your little one is born, believe all of us here who've told you, your whole existence & perception changes overnight. The love that you'll feel for that little baby will totally overwhelm you, it's like nothing else on earth. Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2019 13:29

Oh that's a lovely update, Mummytobe - well done for taking all the comments on the chin and what a lovely thing to do for your mum!

IHaveBrilloHair · 05/10/2019 13:37

Oh that's lovely Flowers

Foslady · 05/10/2019 13:38

Thank you for coming back OP, and thank you for taking onboard the comments.
It might seem disappointing now not to use the name, but I genuinely do believe that it is the right decision. And that’s a lovely update - it will mean so much to your mum

NotTonightJosepheen · 05/10/2019 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butchyrestingface · 05/10/2019 13:39

Nice update, good luck. Smile

billy1966 · 05/10/2019 13:40

Good woman.👍