AIBU Disagreement on wedding seating

[RoyalnGeneral]

Wedding one. Some details changed but I am not any of the four people involved.

I have a friend, Alice who suffers from anxiety (relevant). Alice got married to Ben about 18 months ago. Ben is a laid back ‘try to keep everyone happy’ type of guy. Alice and Ben are friends with another couple, Carl and Donna. Ben and Carl have been best friends for over 20 yrs. Alice and Donna worked together for several years but now work at different organisations.

Carl and Donna have announced they will be getting married next spring and Carl asked Ben to be his best man. Planning was going well until seating arrangements were discussed when it turned out Ben would be sitting at the top table while Alice would be at a guest table. Alice was upset and said she didn’t know anyone at the wedding and didn’t want to sit with strangers. She wanted to sit next to Ben at the top table.

Ben spoke to C&D and asked if Alice could sit with him. Carl and Donna said no, they understood it wasn’t ideal but that A&B would only be separated for a few hours. Alice said if she couldn't sit at the top table then she wanted Ben to sit at her guest table and do his speech from there. C&D refused again as they wanted Ben at the top table with Carl, so he could do the toasts/ read the messages/ keep people on time.

Things went back and forth without resolution, then last weekend Carl phoned Ben and uninvited him from being best man. A&B are still invited to the wedding and can now sit together at the guest table. The new best man will sit at the top table. The best man’s wife will be sitting with friends at another guest table.

Alice told me about this last night. She was taken aback that Ben had been uninvited. She said that at her wedding she hadn’t cared about wedding party only at the top table. What was important to her was that her guests felt comfortable and she didn’t think it was fair she had been expected to sit by herself with people she didn’t know.

I said that while Alice hadn't minded who sat at the top table at her wedding, Carl and Donna seem to want a more traditional approach. Also, C&D have accommodated Alice’s request to sit with Ben, although not in the way Alice expected. Carl will now have his best man with him at the top table, as he wants, and the best man’s wife will be sitting with people she knows, so perhaps it is the best compromise C&D can come up with, given the circumstances.

Alice disagreed. She said C&D are overreacting and she doesn’t see why she couldn’t been seated with Ben in the first place. She isn't sure she wants to go to the wedding now as she thinks it will be awkward.

AIBU to think Alice should have accepted C&D’s initial refusal and not continued to insist on sitting with Ben?

I know Alice’s anxiety means she finds these situations stressful so perhaps C&D could have been more sympathetic. But it’s C&D’s wedding day which I tend to think puts the onus on A&B to try to accomodate their friends' wishes.

Although I think Alice is unreasonable for kicking off about it, I really don't understand why a best man has to sit without his wife at the top table. It's just unnecessary, it means the couple don't get to enjoy it like everyone else there. Surely he could just walk up to the front for the speech or sit on the closest table.
At our wedding the best men sat with their families and just came up to the front, I wouldn't have dreamed of sitting them separately.

Thing is, if Alice decides she isn't going to the wedding now then she has really fucked things up for Ben. She could have made that decision initially, and he could have got on with being Best Man, but now she has got him demoted to not turn up at all means she has caused all this upset for nothing.

Selfish.

What's your part in this OP?

It comes across as insecurities rather than anxiety and I can't believe an adult is not able to sit away from their DH for a few hours. I'd like to know if this anxiety has been medically diagnosed or self diagnosis?

Tbh Alice sounds rude and entitled and like she wants to have everything her way.

It sounds like people, her poor husband included, have been pandering to her whims for years. I find it hard to believe that someone with anxiety who doesn't have a role* at the wedding insists on being seated at the top table with all eyes on it simply because her dh is a best man.

*bridesmaid etc

I don't think A was unreasonable to ask to sit on top table and C&D weren't unreasonable to say no. They both have decent reasons.

Where it got unreasonable was to keep pushing, act surprised when B was demoted and now consider not attending.

A has got what she wanted and now needs to smile and wish them well.

Alice was entirely in the wrong, needs to get a much better handle on her condition so that similar situations can be avoided in the future.

Alice could never have sat at the top table, never, that was not going to be an option.

This said, I do feel of respect for her condition other alternatives might have been considered, e.g. allowing Alice to carefully scour the guestlist to pick who she most wanted to sit with [e.g. someone she knows, the 'singles table', etc].

I think C and D have came to a brilliant compromise and A needs to accept the world doesn't revolve round her. I feel sorry for her husband having to put up with her diva demands and spoiling his day as best man.

I think the responses about Alice are overly harsh. I think it was fine for Alice and Ben to ask whether it would be ok for them to sit together given Alice's anxiety. If I was the bride in this situation I would have accommodated this request because I would want my guests to enjoy themselves. In fact I did accommodate similar requests at my own wedding.

However when it was made clear that this is not what C&D wanted, A&B should have stepped back and decided what they wanted to do. If I was Alice and my anxiety was so severe I would have said to Ben that he should go without me.

I think Carl was immature to disinvite Ben from being his best man. They could even have compromised so that A&B were sat together on a guest table for the actual meal and a chair was set up for him on the top table during the speeches.

I think Alice needs to be uninvited.

Who can be arsed with shit like that?! Seriously.

Alice is an attention seeker.

Alice is being unreasonable.

Alice sounds like a nightmare

@basicbasic but some people like to split speeches up through the meal, so should Ben keep table hopping? Does he need a drink for toasts at both tables?
Are you suggesting they keep his seat empty or have a rogue chair?

I think Carl did the right thing - it was a reasonable compromise

Newsflash: someone else's wedding means it isn't all about YOU, "Alice"

Alice is a pain in the arse. I'd have uninvited her and kept Ben as best man. He could probably do with a day without her!

Alice has behaved terribly. I'm surprised they still have an invitation to the wedding at all.

Alice sounds massively self-absorbed and clearly has not idea, or care, for how her behaviour affects other people. Having an illness does not excuse that, even if provides an explanation.

She exemplifies the point that the opposite of 'outgoing attention seeker' is not 'desperately self-conscious attention shunner' - both these types demand vast amounts of others' attention and energy - it is 'person who quietly fits in and gets on with things, excusing themsleves if it's all too much'.

Best solution is Ben goes to the wedding and Alice goes to the afters.

@AmIThough As I said if I was the bride I would have seated them together at the guest table and asked the best man to come up for speeches.
I was only suggesting that there might have been able to be a compromise, in that A&B could have sat together at the guest table for the meal and then B could have pulled a chair up to the top table for the speeches. It probably has been done before.
I've never heard of speeches being split up during the meal and I've been to quite a few weddings. In that case this wouldn't work.

Anxiety is a really big problem. However, in my experience people with real anxiety are not the ones stirring things up and getting people to rearrange things to suit them. They are the ones declining invitations or finding excuses not to go. And they would not be asking to sit at the top table which surely would be an anxiety trigger?

Has Alice got real anxiety issues or is she just a bit of a flakey entitled cf who usually gets her own way? I’m probably projecting because I know someone who does this and blames her manipulative behaviour on anxiety. I’ve also several friends with real anxiety issues who do not behave in this way at all.

I think C & D don’t believe she has real anxiety and she uses it to get her own way. Which is why they have refused to budge.

I do feel sorry for Ben.

So now she is thinking of not coming at all!?? She should have came to that decision earlier and everyone would be have been happy.
I feel sorry for Ben and this will probably taint his and Carl's friendship going forward which sounds like a massive shame.

And Ben needs to man up. Fancy landing all of this on someone he's known for 20 years. Carl must be feeling pretty let down too.

Alice is being unreasonable.

I am in the same position as her actually and get anxious in social situations where there are a lot of people I dont know. My husband doesnt know where he is going to be sitting yet. I asked him, if the groom asks him if he has a preference if he would ask to sit with me, otherwise if they are having a top table and want him on it I understand I'll just have to suck it up as it's not my day!

Alice is being unreasonable. I’m sure we’ve all been to weddings where we haven’t known anyone on the table but it’s always ok isn’t it?

On another note, this is why I hate top tables, half the people on them don’t want to be there!

I feel sorry for Ben but he should have stopped asking when he'd had the refusal. I do think C&D should have given him a final warning with what would happen.

I always wonder how people like Alice coped when they were single. And indeed how they meet partners