AIBU Disagreement on wedding seating

[RoyalnGeneral]

Wedding one. Some details changed but I am not any of the four people involved.

I have a friend, Alice who suffers from anxiety (relevant). Alice got married to Ben about 18 months ago. Ben is a laid back ‘try to keep everyone happy’ type of guy. Alice and Ben are friends with another couple, Carl and Donna. Ben and Carl have been best friends for over 20 yrs. Alice and Donna worked together for several years but now work at different organisations.

Carl and Donna have announced they will be getting married next spring and Carl asked Ben to be his best man. Planning was going well until seating arrangements were discussed when it turned out Ben would be sitting at the top table while Alice would be at a guest table. Alice was upset and said she didn’t know anyone at the wedding and didn’t want to sit with strangers. She wanted to sit next to Ben at the top table.

Ben spoke to C&D and asked if Alice could sit with him. Carl and Donna said no, they understood it wasn’t ideal but that A&B would only be separated for a few hours. Alice said if she couldn't sit at the top table then she wanted Ben to sit at her guest table and do his speech from there. C&D refused again as they wanted Ben at the top table with Carl, so he could do the toasts/ read the messages/ keep people on time.

Things went back and forth without resolution, then last weekend Carl phoned Ben and uninvited him from being best man. A&B are still invited to the wedding and can now sit together at the guest table. The new best man will sit at the top table. The best man’s wife will be sitting with friends at another guest table.

Alice told me about this last night. She was taken aback that Ben had been uninvited. She said that at her wedding she hadn’t cared about wedding party only at the top table. What was important to her was that her guests felt comfortable and she didn’t think it was fair she had been expected to sit by herself with people she didn’t know.

I said that while Alice hadn't minded who sat at the top table at her wedding, Carl and Donna seem to want a more traditional approach. Also, C&D have accommodated Alice’s request to sit with Ben, although not in the way Alice expected. Carl will now have his best man with him at the top table, as he wants, and the best man’s wife will be sitting with people she knows, so perhaps it is the best compromise C&D can come up with, given the circumstances.

Alice disagreed. She said C&D are overreacting and she doesn’t see why she couldn’t been seated with Ben in the first place. She isn't sure she wants to go to the wedding now as she thinks it will be awkward.

AIBU to think Alice should have accepted C&D’s initial refusal and not continued to insist on sitting with Ben?

I know Alice’s anxiety means she finds these situations stressful so perhaps C&D could have been more sympathetic. But it’s C&D’s wedding day which I tend to think puts the onus on A&B to try to accomodate their friends' wishes.

I suspect my dh would have declined to be best man in this situation. If someone told me they needed to be sat together for mental health reasons I'd try to accommodate it.

Alice is being a whiny little bitch who thinks everyone should pander to her request. And now she's spoiled it for her partner and his best friend by coming between them on the friend's most important day, who now can't have his best friend by his side.

If I were Donna and Carl, I would totally un-invite Ben and Alice to the whole wedding. It's their wedding and they should have the final decision without added pressure from any guest to change things.

And yes, I know all about anxiety.

What a sorry mess, for all concerned. Perhaps the couple could have introduced Alice to some fellow guests before the wedding, so that they wouldn't feel like 'complete' strangers to her? I know they shouldn't 'have' to but it's a shame that Ben had to lose his best man position because of this.

I’ve been Alice, sat at a table with an Alice and decided in turn to not make my sister-in-law an Alice with 2 kids in tow. I put all 3 on the top table at our wedding so they could be sat with the best man - aka the grooms brother.

Realistically until the Evening Reception the Best Man is tied up a lot of the time - might travel to wedding with groom, then tied up for ceremony, has to be on hand for photos, making sure Auntie Doris is ok and then comes the 2 hour meal. I only have mild anxiety but dread the idea just thinking about it.

The big problem with this scenario was the insisting the situation change with the backwards and forwards. A decision had been made and it was clear there wasn’t going to be a shift so I’d have probably accepted it and skipped the meal. In fairness Alive has probably done Ben a favour, he’ll now get to enjoy like a regular guest and not be put through the ordeal of making a speech.

Can you imagine having a top table and putting a woman you barely know up there. There’d be world war 3 with the families.

If this wedding happened a few years ago, why is it an issue now?

Alice might be unreasonable, but the lack of sympathy for her condition is shocking. It's no wonder people find it hard to discuss mental health.

It’s nothing to do with lack of sympathy for her condition. It’s all about how she could have said ‘I’m sorry, I really struggle at these kind of events if I’m on my own - I’ll stay at home and you can give my place to someone else’ - yet chose to ask to sit at the top table and, when told no, asked to move the best man and, when told her partner was no longer best man, STILL tried to make it about her by saying she felt ‘awkward’ going. She needs to accept this is someone else’s day.

dexterslockedintheshedagain

Go back and re read the OP

Alice is unreasonable, but I wonder if C and D made an effort to reassure her about who they were seating her with? "Don't worry, we've put you with my favourite aunt and uncle -- they couldn't be nicer and I will make sure they look after you."

@GreenTulips
The OP has updated with "The context is the wedding actually happened a few years ago."
So dexterslockedintheshedagain asks a valid question.

It’s years ago - who cares?

Interesting point made up thread. Ben has known Carl for years and is his best friend. It sounds like it was a grand affair so therefore plenty of guests invited. How come Alice claims not to know a single other person going to the wedding? Seriously. No I think the bride & groom were right in this scenario.

To be fair you do get those best mates who never visit each other and the spouses never meet their mates. You do get weddings where you only know the couple getting married.

I only go to weddings if there are ordinary guests I want to speak to. It's no fun otherwise.

Wow, wow, wow
Some of the comments about someone suffering with a MH condition is eye opening and disgusting

First off, I agree Alice is unreasonable to expect someone to arrange their wedding reception around her. And I agree that denoting Ben from best man was the only solution, and in Alice's situation I would've accepted that solution with grace and apologies that my condition had created this situation for them, and even thanks for still inviting us to the wedding.

The problem I find with Alice is she has an entitled attitude and expects everyone to go out of their way to accommodate her. And often, many people are probably willing to do so as usually it wouldn't be such an arse-ache. But in the case of someone's wedding, this is just one time where you really can't dictate

But I find the plethora of horrid comments about Alice and her condition abhorrent.

"Alice is being a whiney little bitch"

Eurgh, utterly disgusting and nasty comment.

I'm pretty sure Alice would prefer to not suffer with a mental illness and not be a 'whiney little bitch'

@GreenTulips
Go back and read the update Thursday 18:43

Hahahahaha

The problem, is that we don't know how anxious Alice actually is, and on many occasions, some people who have mental health issues can and will use them to their advantage. Yes, Alice could've had a quiet word with the bridal party, explained her situation, and asked for a compromise, but on this occasion, she had said there was one option, to sit her at the top table with the best man (her other half), so yes, she was being a whiny little bitch who wanted someone else's wedding seating to accommodate HER.

After suffering abuse at the hands of a child for a number of years which resulted in through-the-roof-anxiety, the one thing I do know is that it's not up to the rest of the world to accommodate me and my mental health, a big part of it is me myself and I learning how to deal with it, how to keep myself safe/sane and how to change my position so that others don't have to pander around me.

My eldest, best man and best friend future wife, as she was then, did not sit at the top table. The same was the case when his best friend married and my eldest was best man. They were at tables close by. We were at both weddings. The women had no problem with it.

It does sound as if the friend is very precious. It's not her wedding

I do get Alice's distress at the thought of sitting with strangers, but she was BU. I'm also a bit confused as to how she wouldn't know anyone else there at all if B and C have been friends for so long?

Wouldn’t it have been just as bad for Alice if she had been sitting at the top table? Wouldn’t she have faced loads of questions all evening about what role she was playing in the wedding party? They would’ve had to make her a bridesmaid to avoid that. Or they would’ve had to tell people why she was sitting there or make up a story about it. People would’ve asked and wouldn’t that have to be more stressful?

My DH's brother was best man at our wedding. His (very nice) girlfriend sat at a guest table with the other younger (early twenties) guests. I'm sure she'd have preferred to sit with her boyfriend, but she didn't make a fuss because she's a nice person and she understood the day wasn't about her. Anyway, the meal was two hours out of, what, ten or twelve overall.

Alice is a dick.

Also, to those posters saying that anxiety is awful, fair enough but it's not Carl and Donna's problem to manage. Alice (and to some extent Ben) need to deal with it without expecting other people to put themselves out.

Wouldn’t she have faced loads of questions all evening about what role she was playing in the wedding party?

I highly doubt this would have been an issue. Why would anyone bother asking beyond “how do you know the bride and groom”? All the people at the reception would have been at the ceremony and seen who did what.

I'm pretty sure Alice would prefer to not suffer with a mental illness and not be a 'whiney little bitch'

But it’s not the illness that makes her whiny - it’s the way she deals with it. She could easily have said she would find the wedding too much and not go. But no; she had to try to get the top table rearranged twice and, when the bride and groom refused, she said she wouldn’t go at all. Funny how she didn’t make that choice in the first place.

C & D Have done the right thing. For them, Top table is not for non wedding party despite A & B 's own relaxed view with their wedding.
Alice should have asked to meet one or two folk on her table beforehand so she could feel more relaxed until Ben joined her. Ben must be heartily pissed off that he can't stand by his friend on the mist important day of his life because his wife is busy creating drama and not solutions or compromises.

My SIL did exactly this. DHs brother, her DH was our best man. She insisted she sat top table. I said no, she insisted he sat at her table, I said no but that I’d arranged for her to sit at the table nearest him on seat nearest him - literally 2ft away. Still not good enough. So she started kicking off saying out our MIL that if she wasn’t sat with him she wasn’t coming. I told her that was fine by me! And she shut up.
Then the morning of wedding she turns up at our house while I was getting ready, photographer there etc, and dumps her anxious yappy dog at our house saying the hotel they booked didn’t allow dogs, and ran out leaving me speechless!
Arrive at wedding to see she’s dressed her 2 kids up in full traditional page boy and bridesmaid outfits - bouquets of flowers, the lot - despite me only have 1 adult bridesmaid in a black evening dress.
Then during the speeches, her dog managed to squeeze out the cat flap and escape, so a neighbour called the hotel to say what happened. Our best man then leaves the wedding to search for dog while she’s screaming at us that it’s our fault!
She tells everyone she has bad anxiety, but she’s the loudest, most confident, has to be centre of attention, obnoxious person ever.

Alice has made this about her and instead of graciously declining the invite, has made the B&G have to make a difficult decision in the hope it’s best for everyone, yet Alice continued to make things awkward by then not going.