AIBU Disagreement on wedding seating

[RoyalnGeneral]

Wedding one. Some details changed but I am not any of the four people involved.

I have a friend, Alice who suffers from anxiety (relevant). Alice got married to Ben about 18 months ago. Ben is a laid back ‘try to keep everyone happy’ type of guy. Alice and Ben are friends with another couple, Carl and Donna. Ben and Carl have been best friends for over 20 yrs. Alice and Donna worked together for several years but now work at different organisations.

Carl and Donna have announced they will be getting married next spring and Carl asked Ben to be his best man. Planning was going well until seating arrangements were discussed when it turned out Ben would be sitting at the top table while Alice would be at a guest table. Alice was upset and said she didn’t know anyone at the wedding and didn’t want to sit with strangers. She wanted to sit next to Ben at the top table.

Ben spoke to C&D and asked if Alice could sit with him. Carl and Donna said no, they understood it wasn’t ideal but that A&B would only be separated for a few hours. Alice said if she couldn't sit at the top table then she wanted Ben to sit at her guest table and do his speech from there. C&D refused again as they wanted Ben at the top table with Carl, so he could do the toasts/ read the messages/ keep people on time.

Things went back and forth without resolution, then last weekend Carl phoned Ben and uninvited him from being best man. A&B are still invited to the wedding and can now sit together at the guest table. The new best man will sit at the top table. The best man’s wife will be sitting with friends at another guest table.

Alice told me about this last night. She was taken aback that Ben had been uninvited. She said that at her wedding she hadn’t cared about wedding party only at the top table. What was important to her was that her guests felt comfortable and she didn’t think it was fair she had been expected to sit by herself with people she didn’t know.

I said that while Alice hadn't minded who sat at the top table at her wedding, Carl and Donna seem to want a more traditional approach. Also, C&D have accommodated Alice’s request to sit with Ben, although not in the way Alice expected. Carl will now have his best man with him at the top table, as he wants, and the best man’s wife will be sitting with people she knows, so perhaps it is the best compromise C&D can come up with, given the circumstances.

Alice disagreed. She said C&D are overreacting and she doesn’t see why she couldn’t been seated with Ben in the first place. She isn't sure she wants to go to the wedding now as she thinks it will be awkward.

AIBU to think Alice should have accepted C&D’s initial refusal and not continued to insist on sitting with Ben?

I know Alice’s anxiety means she finds these situations stressful so perhaps C&D could have been more sympathetic. But it’s C&D’s wedding day which I tend to think puts the onus on A&B to try to accomodate their friends' wishes.

Good luck (poor) Ben.

'I don't know why people are so precious about the top table.'

This. I don't think anyone has behaved well here, tbh. The onus really would have been on Alice to accept the situation for what it was, maybe ensure she was introduced to people at the milling-around-after-the-ceremony bit so she would feel more comfortable with who she was sitting with, but seeing as she didn't, the onus was really on the bride and groom to make their guest comfortable, especially as their guest was the best man's wife. Sacking Ben as best man is a much bigger and more damaging faux pas than anything Alice did, tbh. But I don't understand the way weddings have seemed to developed into sacred cults that excuse any behaviour from couples and demand all sorts from guests.

as someone with anxiety, I do also find it strange Alice was worried about the meal but not the service itself. I struggle more with the service than I would with anything else.

A few years ago DP was best man. I sat at the back of the church so I could leave if I needed to without drawing attention, but was fine at the meal.

I guess we all have different triggers though.

Oh, Weddings, they bring out the worst in people dont they, personally I feel Alice should have declined the invite if she wasnt happy with the seating arrangements, (My DH has serious mental issues, would find it difficult to sit with people he doesnt know, but would do it for say a Wedding) At ours, I didnt even get to sit at the top bloody table with him, for which I shall always feel angry. His various relatives took our our Wedding. Hs young niece and nephew sat each side of him, then their parents, and refused to move, their parents should have insisted, by the time I got my buffet food, I was on the very far very end table. Because of his issues he was unable to insist, and I wasnt going to walk through the lot of them in my long white dress carrying a curry!

@SmileCheese

It's a surprise to me and I'm mid-30s, having attended a healthy quantity of weddings with varying levels of formality.

Alice was definitely BU. As if they don't have enough to sort out without a tantrum.

@PurpleDaisies - It says in the opening post she had anxiety! That is worse than just being socially awkward. Wine isn’t a cure.

It depends. We don't know if Alice's anxiety has been diagnosed or if she just says she 'has anxiety'. Everyone gets anxious to some extent!

there’s a lot of crap and lack of understanding being spouted here in relation to anxiety

Is there? Where? I'm not sure there is. Everyone seems to be unanimous in saying that Alice has behaved selfishly and anxiety is no excuse. What does she do at work, for example, when she doesn't have Ben there to help her?

Alice is BVU. Plus surely if they have been friends for song she'll know someone else at the wedding to sit with

So the B&G have found a way of Ben & Alice being able to sit/be together the whole time, & found a best man who will fit in with how they want things on their wedding day, & Alice still isn't happy?

Does she often make a situation all about her?

Seriously, how many people on here, not wanting or daring to sit on their own at a wedding, would ask for things to be changed to suit them, rather than just declining?

@CatteStreet agree!

It's a surprise to me and I'm mid-30s, having attended a healthy quantity of weddings with varying levels of formality.

Like I said previously for 99% of people this would not be a surprise and for those who have planned a wedding surely even less so. It really is a very common situation and I'm amazed you have been to so many weddings where this has not been the case.

Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?
!!!!
A cf that's who..

I had this scenario at my wedding.

One of my bridesmaids was (is) married to a very shy and rather nervous man, who would have known some of the other guests but not very well. We arranged for an extra place at the top table so that he could sit next to his wife.

My view was that if I know and like someone well enough for her to be my bridesmaid I can be understanding and helpful towards her husband and their relationship.

Nearly 30 years on we are still close to both of them and I'm so glad we started our relationship with this kind but sensitive man with a small act of thoughtfulness that helped him out and cost us practically nothing.

Alice sounds like hard work. If I was in this situation with DH I just wouldn't go the wedding breakfast.

Where are Bens wishes in all of this? One minute he is best man, next minute he won’t be going at all! I predict that in less than 5 years, this will be getting thrown back at Alice as one of the many reasons they are no longer together.

Yes, Alice has been really unreasonable, and Ben has lost out as a result.

Anxiety is a mitigating factor, it is not an excuse to make unreasonable demands. I'm sick and tired of hearing that people can't conform with reasonable requests due to "anxiety". In cases like this, it's just becoming a shorthand for "I'm too selfish to compromise and be out of my comfort zone for a short while". The lack of a sense of proportion really screws over people who suffer genuine, crippling problems with this condition. If Alice has social anxiety that badly, she could skip the meal.

Yes if I was Ben I'd be really upset

It's not Alice's wedding, is she used to people changing things to make her happy?
Ben asked and was told no, it should have stoped there.
C&d did the only thing they could, but I'm sure Ben is hurt.
If Alice doesn't go Ben will be by himself!

God they all sound as bad as each other.
Why couldn't A just sit on her own? Why couldn't the bride and groom just have the best man and bridesmaids sit at a separate table? Why does everyone turn weddings into this giant bun fight?!

I don't see what else C&D could have done. You don't sit at the top table if you're not in the wedding party.

I hope for their sake A doesn't attend as it's coming across that she thinks her wishes should top trump those of the bride and groom

Sounds to me like Alice has never heard the word no before.
It’s not unusual at a traditional top table to have the bridesmaids solo on the brides side and the groomsmen solo on the grooms side with their partners sitting at other tables.
There’s only so much room and once you make an exception for one couple everyone ploughs in.
I don’t blame the B&G for switching bestman. Just imagine Alice’s input on the stag do!

Well just because Alice wasn't bothered about her top table, doesn't mean Donna shouldn't.

Best man's wife doesn't sit at the top table, where would you draw the line. matron of honour partner, bridesmaids bf, there would be nobody on the guests table.
Alice is an arse and sounds hard work, she may have anxiety but she's better off not attending then creating a drama.