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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU Disagreement on wedding seating

430 replies

RoyalnGeneral · 03/10/2019 08:52

Wedding one. Some details changed but I am not any of the four people involved.

I have a friend, Alice who suffers from anxiety (relevant). Alice got married to Ben about 18 months ago. Ben is a laid back ‘try to keep everyone happy’ type of guy. Alice and Ben are friends with another couple, Carl and Donna. Ben and Carl have been best friends for over 20 yrs. Alice and Donna worked together for several years but now work at different organisations.

Carl and Donna have announced they will be getting married next spring and Carl asked Ben to be his best man. Planning was going well until seating arrangements were discussed when it turned out Ben would be sitting at the top table while Alice would be at a guest table. Alice was upset and said she didn’t know anyone at the wedding and didn’t want to sit with strangers. She wanted to sit next to Ben at the top table.

Ben spoke to C&D and asked if Alice could sit with him. Carl and Donna said no, they understood it wasn’t ideal but that A&B would only be separated for a few hours. Alice said if she couldn't sit at the top table then she wanted Ben to sit at her guest table and do his speech from there. C&D refused again as they wanted Ben at the top table with Carl, so he could do the toasts/ read the messages/ keep people on time.

Things went back and forth without resolution, then last weekend Carl phoned Ben and uninvited him from being best man. A&B are still invited to the wedding and can now sit together at the guest table. The new best man will sit at the top table. The best man’s wife will be sitting with friends at another guest table.

Alice told me about this last night. She was taken aback that Ben had been uninvited. She said that at her wedding she hadn’t cared about wedding party only at the top table. What was important to her was that her guests felt comfortable and she didn’t think it was fair she had been expected to sit by herself with people she didn’t know.

I said that while Alice hadn't minded who sat at the top table at her wedding, Carl and Donna seem to want a more traditional approach. Also, C&D have accommodated Alice’s request to sit with Ben, although not in the way Alice expected. Carl will now have his best man with him at the top table, as he wants, and the best man’s wife will be sitting with people she knows, so perhaps it is the best compromise C&D can come up with, given the circumstances.

Alice disagreed. She said C&D are overreacting and she doesn’t see why she couldn’t been seated with Ben in the first place. She isn't sure she wants to go to the wedding now as she thinks it will be awkward.

AIBU to think Alice should have accepted C&D’s initial refusal and not continued to insist on sitting with Ben?

I know Alice’s anxiety means she finds these situations stressful so perhaps C&D could have been more sympathetic. But it’s C&D’s wedding day which I tend to think puts the onus on A&B to try to accomodate their friends' wishes.

OP posts:
Teensruletheroost · 03/10/2019 09:06

Alice IBU.

DarkMutterings · 03/10/2019 09:08

I'd say to have kept the peace C&D should have given one last chance and said B can't be bestman at their wedding if this is a sticking point. Then A could have back down or B would have known up front he was going to 'lose out'
It's absolutely not an unreasonable response but as presumably they are all close friends they all could have handled it better. (I bet C&D are just fed up with A and this was a last straw)

SmileCheese · 03/10/2019 09:08

Well I hope Alice is happy with herself. I feel very sorry for her partner, hopefully his friendship hasn't been too damaged by Alice's constant nit picking and whinging.

I appreciate she has anxiety but if she honestly couldn't sit through the meal without Ben beside her she should have just agreed to attend the evening and missed the meal. It's 100% normal to want your best man at the top table and for their partner to sit elsewhere.

She didn't really leave Carl and Donna much choice but to remove Ben as best man. However, I cant help but feel everyone else has sacrificed something as a result of this apart from Alice who seems to have gotten her own way.

Jeezoh · 03/10/2019 09:09

If B and C have been best friends for 20 years, how can A not know or have met at least one mutual friend or relation that she could sit with during the reception? Anxiety can be horrible and debilitating but it doesn’t mean your wishes should trump someone else’s.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 03/10/2019 09:09

(Sorry, I mean if I were Alice I’d have just politely declined the invitation upon realising I’d be sat alone, as I too would struggle with this due to my anxiety. Or I might just ask if I could attend the evening only.)

simplekindoflife · 03/10/2019 09:11

Alice is ridiculous.

When my friend got married, she asked me if I would look after the best man's wife and sat her to me on one of the guest tables as she didn't know anyone. But the main reason for this was because she had an 8 week old baby!

It was fine and we all helped out with the baby on our table. Her husband (best man) popped over in between courses to chat to her and see his baby. All fine and no drama.

If Alice can't manage a couple of hours without him glued to her side, then I think she needs help! Confused

user1483387154 · 03/10/2019 09:11

Alice was 100% unreasonable

VeThings · 03/10/2019 09:11

Alice should go to the wedding with good grace. Not worth her losing a friendship over such a silly issue.

I’d be so annoyed if I were C&D, if Alice didn’t come after they’ve changed both the best man and seating plans to accommodate her anxiety.

RaininSummer · 03/10/2019 09:14

Alice is U and only seems to care about how Alice feels.

PurpleDaisies · 03/10/2019 09:14

If Alice can't manage a couple of hours without him glued to her side, then I think she needs help!

We don’t know that she isn’t getting help.

purpleme12 · 03/10/2019 09:14

Alice is being awful. I would never expect the best man's wife to sit at the top table.

littlepeas · 03/10/2019 09:14

Wow. Alice is a pain in the arse!

Idontwanttotalk · 03/10/2019 09:15

Alice was unreasonable and caused so much hassle that the Groom has uninvited his best friend from being his Best Man. If I'd been C or D I'd have done the same. This probably wasn't an easy decision for the B&G to make but it was the correct decision.

No way should they have just agreed to Alice's self-centred demands.

greenlynx · 03/10/2019 09:15

Alice is very unreasonable.
I have anxiety and struggle with social situations like this but even for me she’s unreasonable. It’s not forever just a few hours and it’s not her wedding.
The only thing I could think of that maybe Ben is too laid back in social situations and she’s not sure that he will remember about her at all. But even this doesn’t matter for a bigger picture because it’s C & D ‘s wedding. I feel sorry for C & D they’re very accommodating.

Nonnymum · 03/10/2019 09:15

I know how difficult it would have been for Alice it is not nice sitting alone when you don't know anyone especially if you have si ail anxietu. It. might have been better if Ben had turned it down as soon as he knew she would have to sit alone. Or if Alice agreed just to attend after the meal. She is being unreasonable bu anxiety can do that to a person. Also the Brude and Groom could have been more understanding, realising Alice has anxiety and compromising by having a table next to the top table for partners that may have made it easier.

53rdWay · 03/10/2019 09:16

Alice is BU. Be nice also shouldn’t have been continuously relaying her requests when they’d already said no. Sounds like both Alice and Ben have developed some unhealthy patterns around dealing with Alice getting anxious.

Seren10 · 03/10/2019 09:16

I've been Alice in this exact scenario. Slight difference was that the best man (my ex-OH) had cheated on me 6 months previously with one of the other wedding guests, who was sitting with all her friends on the table nearest to the top table.

I was put on a table with the brides next door neighbour and some random great aunties, despite the fact I also had a group of friends going (that were staying at my house nonetheless) who were all together. Bride knew about cheating OH, but was good friends with the OW.

I never expected to sit with my OH, but did ask to be seated with my group of friends. It was declined so I threatened to not go to the wedding unless my OH got involved and said to his best mate (the groom) that he had to make other arrangements for me. He didn't stick up for me, I didn't go to the wedding, and now he is very much my ex-OH.

In this situation however, Alice is a bit unreasonable. She should have just put up with sitting with another group (may have even made friends!) for the meal and speeches. I don't understand her not wanting to be apart from her OH, but I feel I can hold my own, maybe she is slightly socially awkward? After a glass of wine or two I'm sure she would have been fine!

Lindy2 · 03/10/2019 09:17

Alice is too hard work.
I expect if they had reached another solution regarding the seating plan Alice would then have come up with a different problem regarding something else at the wedding.
The groom wants a best man that will be able to be with him on the wedding day, not constantly reassuring Alice.
I think the bride and groom have made a sensible decision.

MidniteScribbler · 03/10/2019 09:19

Alice is a pain in the arse.

I bet this is not the first time she has tried to demand things change to accommodate her. Good on the bride and groom for not allowing her to dictate their event.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/10/2019 09:19

Well done Alice in causing all this upset on someone elses big day...you reap what you sow so you have upset your OH too...grow up Alice. Personally if I was the Bride and Groom Alice wouldn't be attending at all.

spoonyJoe · 03/10/2019 09:19

Ben can't do the best man job that has been asked of him because of Alice.

So now he isn't doing it.

Why anyone with anxiety would want to be at the top table of a wedding they aren't a part of is a mystery to me. The top table is a hive of activity.

joffreyscoffee · 03/10/2019 09:19

Alice is a twat.

DriftingLeaves · 03/10/2019 09:20

Alice is totally unreasonable. Nasty woman.

PurpleDaisies · 03/10/2019 09:20

I don't understand her not wanting to be apart from her OH, but I feel I can hold my own, maybe she is slightly socially awkward? After a glass of wine or two I'm sure she would have been fine!

It says in the opening post she had anxiety! That is worse than just being socially awkward. Wine isn’t a cure.

Alice has been unreasonable in expecting everything to be changed to accommodate her but there’s a lot of crap and lack of understanding being spouted here in relation to anxiety.

PickleTree · 03/10/2019 09:21

Alice is being unreasonable, it's C & D's wedding so it's their way or the high way.

I however, hate the idea of a traditional top table. For our wedding, DH and I sat alone with our DD. Not only did it give us a chance to have some time to ourselves, but all the guests were sat with someone they knew and no one we left feeling alone.