AIBU Disagreement on wedding seating

[RoyalnGeneral]

Wedding one. Some details changed but I am not any of the four people involved.

I have a friend, Alice who suffers from anxiety (relevant). Alice got married to Ben about 18 months ago. Ben is a laid back ‘try to keep everyone happy’ type of guy. Alice and Ben are friends with another couple, Carl and Donna. Ben and Carl have been best friends for over 20 yrs. Alice and Donna worked together for several years but now work at different organisations.

Carl and Donna have announced they will be getting married next spring and Carl asked Ben to be his best man. Planning was going well until seating arrangements were discussed when it turned out Ben would be sitting at the top table while Alice would be at a guest table. Alice was upset and said she didn’t know anyone at the wedding and didn’t want to sit with strangers. She wanted to sit next to Ben at the top table.

Ben spoke to C&D and asked if Alice could sit with him. Carl and Donna said no, they understood it wasn’t ideal but that A&B would only be separated for a few hours. Alice said if she couldn't sit at the top table then she wanted Ben to sit at her guest table and do his speech from there. C&D refused again as they wanted Ben at the top table with Carl, so he could do the toasts/ read the messages/ keep people on time.

Things went back and forth without resolution, then last weekend Carl phoned Ben and uninvited him from being best man. A&B are still invited to the wedding and can now sit together at the guest table. The new best man will sit at the top table. The best man’s wife will be sitting with friends at another guest table.

Alice told me about this last night. She was taken aback that Ben had been uninvited. She said that at her wedding she hadn’t cared about wedding party only at the top table. What was important to her was that her guests felt comfortable and she didn’t think it was fair she had been expected to sit by herself with people she didn’t know.

I said that while Alice hadn't minded who sat at the top table at her wedding, Carl and Donna seem to want a more traditional approach. Also, C&D have accommodated Alice’s request to sit with Ben, although not in the way Alice expected. Carl will now have his best man with him at the top table, as he wants, and the best man’s wife will be sitting with people she knows, so perhaps it is the best compromise C&D can come up with, given the circumstances.

Alice disagreed. She said C&D are overreacting and she doesn’t see why she couldn’t been seated with Ben in the first place. She isn't sure she wants to go to the wedding now as she thinks it will be awkward.

AIBU to think Alice should have accepted C&D’s initial refusal and not continued to insist on sitting with Ben?

I know Alice’s anxiety means she finds these situations stressful so perhaps C&D could have been more sympathetic. But it’s C&D’s wedding day which I tend to think puts the onus on A&B to try to accomodate their friends' wishes.

Why is everyone so sad for Ben?

Because he's trying to mediate between his best mate and his wife. I don't see what he did as enabling her, presumably he asked because he wanted to find a solution that made both parties happy as they are both important to him.

I'm with Alice on this one. Who splits up married couples?

Ermm they are not being split up. They are being asked to sit apart for one meal as to show Ben's importance in his friends life he is being granted the honor of sitting at the top table. This is a perfectly normal occurrence at a wedding. Just because others choose to do things differently doesn't mean Carl and Donna are wrong for wanting it to be done in this way. It's their wedding so surely its their choice?

Posted too soon. Alice is continuing to be unreasonable. Realistically she should be apologising to Ben, Carl and Donna as well as thanking the latter for finding a solution. I imagine she won’t though as she’s now caused a situation, where once again she and her her anxiety didn’t gain control.

As someone with serious anxiety issues, Alice is very very unreasonable.
I probably would have been uncomfortable sitting eating with strangers, so I would have attended the evening only and explained and hoped that was acceptable to the bride and groom.
I would not expect a whole wedding to be changed because of me.

Alice is being ridiculous. I feel sorry for Ben, poor bloke.

Alice has ruined things for everyone including her own husband.

If I was Carl and Donna I'd have uninvited Alice

If Alice decides she (and Ben) aren’t attending the wedding, it will probably be a friendship ender for Ben and Carl. 20 years of friendship down the drain because she can’t sit with a group of strangers for 2 hours.

And I’ve got anxiety but if it’s honestly that bad she needs to get help.

Alice sounds like a huge pain in the fucking arse. Who seriously expects to sit at the top table just because their partner is best man?

This, I'm afraid - and I speak as someone who suffers extreme anxiety.

I appreciate that Alice didn't want to be with people she didn't know, but as others have said - she could have gone to the evening celebrations only.

We all have to meet people we don't know at some time - it is part of life (at one time Alice didn't know Ben - and now look! SHe's married to him!

She cannot inflict her anxieties on other people - not to the extent of dictating how they run their lives.

Actually I've always found my anxiety much easier to manage at weddings - just ask how people know the bride and groom and then join in the complements-fest ("She looks stunning" "He looks so proud of her" etc - bride always gets the lion's share of the compliments ). It's easier than most meet-a-strager situations because there is a focus and common ground that you know you can talk about.

Alice is being completely UR and very selfish.
Considering she worked with the bride for years and their DHs are best friends, I also find it unlikely that she wouldn't have known anyone at the table. If her anxiety allows her to work but can't be managed for a few hours at a wedding, then she should seek more GP/counselling support. She should have focused on coping mechanisms rather than trying to change the bride and groom's seating plan.

My DH has been best man 4 times and he has been at the top table on each occasion and I have been sat either with friends or randoms. Kind of normal in a traditional wedding and certainly wouldn’t have crossed my mind to insist I sit at the top table. Alice is a guest not family and she was BU to make demands anxiety or not. If she had been gracious she should have declined to attend the wedding and joined her partner in the evening.

Alice is being massively unreasonable. I have bad anxiety: I rarely socialise. My ex and I attended his DB's wedding - ex was Best Man. I sat on a table at the back of the room with people I didn't know. I smiled and tried my best to make chit chat. It wasn't fantastic, but it was fine. They were nice people. I was quiet and just basically listened to them talking.

Crippling anxiety must be dreadful, but its your issues, you have to deal with in whatever you can, you can’t expect the world to spin around you.

C&D aren’t doing anything unusual, it’s traditional seating. It’s a shame for their friendship that they didn’t feel able to squeeze another chair in for Alice, , but it’s equally a shame Alice & Ben couldn’t come up with another compromise (Alice bringing a friend, or sitting with someone she does know (given how long they’ve been friends she must know some of the other guests).

Alice needs to be made to understand that her anxiety has caused this situations & whilst having anxiety isn’t been a choice, it is her that’s has to adapt to it, when others can’t/don’t want to.

She sounds very entitled for someone with anxiety & not very willing to find other options or be a bit pro active.

I'm a bit torn. I'd do a fair bit to make my best friend happy - if Alice genuinely has anxiety and is taking steps to address it, I would have accommodated her because it would make life easier for my best friend Ben. I would also want my guests to feel comfortable and that is more important to me than the traditional set up of a top table.
OTOH, there may have been lots of top table guests who also want to sit with their partners and it opens up a can of worms to accommodate one but not all. And in principle, a couple have a right to organise their wedding as they see fit.

If I was Alice, I'd call the couple, apologise for bring a pita and acknowledge that I needed professional help in order to enable me to cope in normal social situations. Then I'd shut up and attend the wedding.
But part of me does think the b&g have gotten hung up on table settings at the expense of their close friends feeling comfortable and happy.

As someone who thinks all that top table nonsense is deplorably old-fashioned, I sort of agree with Alice BUT I do think she's been silly and rude because what I think is immaterial really. The couple wanted it like this...she should have coped as well as possible or not attended and let Ben attend alone.

@SmileCheese

I've never seen a couple split at a wedding. There's either not been a top table or partners have been at the top table with best man/ maid of honour.

This has been the case at dozens of weddings I have been to. Perhaps this is the case for Alice? In which case being split up would be unexpected, which would aggravate anxiety.

I'm a little that Alice's anxiety wouldn't have prevented her from being comfortable seated at the top table anyway. One of my original choice bridesmaids (very close friend of many years) thanked me for asking her but declined as she couldn't cope with many eyes being on her as part of the wedding party.

I know I did the right thing to ask her and she did the right thing in declining. There was no ill-feeling (I suspected she might not want to take up the role even as I asked her and told her I completely understood if she preferred to just come as a guest)

Perhaps anxiety manifests itself in different ways for different people.

Taking a tough love stance, Alice needs to become more aware that the world does not revolve around her anxiety issues and from experience with my friend sometimes she needs to push herself outside her comfort zone a little or the anxiety will slowly but surely narrow her world down to a strait-jacketed existence.

Carl & Donna are not being unreasonable, they are actually accommodating Alice's anxiety. It seems however that Alice suffers from self-centred thought processes in addition to the anxiety.

My husband was at top table at a wedding and I sat at a different table, just in front of the top table. Didn't bother me, he had an official function and I didn't. It was a lovely wedding.

Alice is being a bit precious, I doubt she will be seated at a table where she knows no one.

Alice needs to grow up and accept it's not her wedding.

C&D should have just uninvited Alice and kept Ben as best man.

I think you've got it @Aderyn19 - I'd imagine Ben is also a little hurt at the demotion because he asked for accomodations for his wife. I'm not sure why he couldn't have gone to the top table for the speech and then joined Alice for the rest of the meal.

Tbh I think it's odd that Ben even asked.

Alice should have just declined the invitation or accepted the part of it that she thought that she could manage (if applicable).

I've never seen a couple split at a wedding. There's either not been a top table or partners have been at the top table with best man/ maid of honour.

I'd say you were in a very small minority its much more common for couples to be seated apart at a wedding if one half is in the brides/grooms party. I cannot see that this would be a surprise to anyone.

I can't understand why Alice & Ben didn't sort this out themselves, especially after the first refusal to change it. Agree that Alice would rather not attend or would only attend the evening. As it is, it's soured things for everyone, she does not want to attend as it will be awkward and Ben has been replaced as best man. That'll be tough to come back from, and if she doesn't attend, she's pretty much ending the close friendship.

I absolutely sympathise with her anxiety, and that if she's never been to a wedding with a traditional top table this may not have occurred to her before, but they could have dealt with this and not pushed stress and bad feeling at the bride and groom.

It's all about Alice. She needs to ratchet back her drama or she risks losing friends.

@ElizaDee I'm pretty sure Ben would have not wanted to go if his wife had been uninvited.

Rather than relaying demands to the brideand groom over the seating, Ben and Alice would have been better employed accepting the situation for what it ws and discussing ways that Alice could manage the situation without expecting everyone else to change.
That might mean she didn;t go to the meal and speeches - I'm sure bride and groom would have been OK with 'Alice is anxious about sitting with folk she doesn;t know so she's just going to come to the evening do'

Or she could think of strategies to deal with sitting with the situation. Maybe asked if someone she does know slightly could eb seated on her table, or someone asked to sit next to her that could look after her a bit.

Pushing and pushing the bride and groom to accomodate her and go against traditional seating arrangement was very rude. And unfortunately it has affected other people's enjoyment of the day. presumably Ben wanted to be best man and Carl wanted to have hima s best man - Alice has scuppered that.

Alice has made a complete idiot of herself here, and probably caused a rift between her husband and his friend (was that the intention all along?)

I hope this is a wake-up call for Ben as well, who seems to think that his wife's wishes override anyone else's and that he'll think very, very carefully about trying to change the world to suit Alice. He isn't actually helping her at all and is making it worse for her.

Who on earth does their seating plan that early though?!