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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Disagreement on wedding seating

430 replies

RoyalnGeneral · 03/10/2019 08:52

Wedding one. Some details changed but I am not any of the four people involved.

I have a friend, Alice who suffers from anxiety (relevant). Alice got married to Ben about 18 months ago. Ben is a laid back ‘try to keep everyone happy’ type of guy. Alice and Ben are friends with another couple, Carl and Donna. Ben and Carl have been best friends for over 20 yrs. Alice and Donna worked together for several years but now work at different organisations.

Carl and Donna have announced they will be getting married next spring and Carl asked Ben to be his best man. Planning was going well until seating arrangements were discussed when it turned out Ben would be sitting at the top table while Alice would be at a guest table. Alice was upset and said she didn’t know anyone at the wedding and didn’t want to sit with strangers. She wanted to sit next to Ben at the top table.

Ben spoke to C&D and asked if Alice could sit with him. Carl and Donna said no, they understood it wasn’t ideal but that A&B would only be separated for a few hours. Alice said if she couldn't sit at the top table then she wanted Ben to sit at her guest table and do his speech from there. C&D refused again as they wanted Ben at the top table with Carl, so he could do the toasts/ read the messages/ keep people on time.

Things went back and forth without resolution, then last weekend Carl phoned Ben and uninvited him from being best man. A&B are still invited to the wedding and can now sit together at the guest table. The new best man will sit at the top table. The best man’s wife will be sitting with friends at another guest table.

Alice told me about this last night. She was taken aback that Ben had been uninvited. She said that at her wedding she hadn’t cared about wedding party only at the top table. What was important to her was that her guests felt comfortable and she didn’t think it was fair she had been expected to sit by herself with people she didn’t know.

I said that while Alice hadn't minded who sat at the top table at her wedding, Carl and Donna seem to want a more traditional approach. Also, C&D have accommodated Alice’s request to sit with Ben, although not in the way Alice expected. Carl will now have his best man with him at the top table, as he wants, and the best man’s wife will be sitting with people she knows, so perhaps it is the best compromise C&D can come up with, given the circumstances.

Alice disagreed. She said C&D are overreacting and she doesn’t see why she couldn’t been seated with Ben in the first place. She isn't sure she wants to go to the wedding now as she thinks it will be awkward.

AIBU to think Alice should have accepted C&D’s initial refusal and not continued to insist on sitting with Ben?

I know Alice’s anxiety means she finds these situations stressful so perhaps C&D could have been more sympathetic. But it’s C&D’s wedding day which I tend to think puts the onus on A&B to try to accomodate their friends' wishes.

OP posts:
WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 04/10/2019 19:08

Alice might be unreasonable, but the lack of sympathy for her condition is shocking. It's no wonder people find it hard to discuss mental health

Was thinking the same - there's a reason people keep quiet about their anxiety/mental health issues, I know I do about anxiety - because of people like on this thread (get a grip, pathetic, etc....) er yeah... because if it was that easy to just get a grip I bloody would do Angry Biscuit

DelphiniumBlue · 04/10/2019 19:10

Alice is very unreasonable. Sorry if she's your friend,but even if she won't know anyone else at all , she's being ridiculous. However, she's known the bride and groom for many years so I think it's very unlikely that she won't know anyone else at the wedding. I think she's actually really selfish.

GPatz · 04/10/2019 19:10

Is it lack of sympathy for her condition or her attitude? It's fair enough to ask, but to continue to press the point, rather than consider her own options, may be the reason for the lack of sympathy towards Alice

Rtruth · 04/10/2019 19:12

Alice is a nightmare end of.
Bride and grooms day, so unless it comes at huge cost, pretty much anything goes.

PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2019 19:13

Is it lack of sympathy for her condition or her attitude?

There are loads of posts saying to just get a grip, it’s only a few hours etc. No understanding that someone with anxiety can’t just do that.

Sleepyhead19 · 04/10/2019 19:17

I’d have been annoyed if I was the bride. Weddings are stressful enough without this childish rubbish. I’ve been sat apart from my ex at several weddings when he was a groomsman. It’s not my wedding and I’d no right to complain about it, and neither does she. What a nightmare.

Isitnearlyweekend · 04/10/2019 19:31

Alice is being ridiculous. What kind of adult can’t manage on a table of strangers for an hour at a special occasion. All she had to do was eat her meal and make polite conversation.

boringisasboringdoes · 04/10/2019 19:32

The issue is what an "invitation" means. It means the host is offering you a particular experience which you then accept or decline. The third position of saying yes but on the conditions of x,y, z is just rude in my view, with the exception of special requests due to an allergy or a religious dietary request. It's like when people say yes I'll come but only if I can bring a plus one /bring the kids.

I suppose there are some situations where severe/chronic anxiety might be considered a disability if it's long-standing and then you might make reasonable adjustments for it. But I don't think demanding a place at top table is reasonable. I would have asked her if she'd like to bring an additional friend, for example.

Personally I'd have made Ben chief usher instead and let him be part of the bridal party but sit with Alice and not make a speech btw.

PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2019 19:35

What kind of adult can’t manage on a table of strangers for an hour at a special occasion. All she had to do was eat her meal and make polite conversation.

One with a mental health condition?

sauvignonblancplz · 04/10/2019 19:38

I have the upmost sympathy for anyone with any kind of mental health problem, however this isn’t about Alice.

Alice is more than able to make the decision not to go and join her husband at the evening section, or go to the chapel and join later.

Just because you have a mental health problem doesn’t mean you monopolise someone’s wedding and make demand, I’m
Surprised the husband made this the bride and grooms problem and didn’t help his wife find a resolution between them .

Damsel · 04/10/2019 19:43

Ben must be very patient!

Ginnymweasley · 04/10/2019 19:44

When I got married my DH's best man had a girlfriend similar to Alice. She insisted that she couldn't sit on a table with other friends she had to sit with her boyfriend. We told her that he was going to be sat at the top table, it was only a few hours, she would be sat with people she knew. Finally she agreed. Come the day of the wedding, we are having photos taken and she tries to get my bridesmaids, and my dad to convince me to change the seating plan. They said no. So halfway through the meal she moves her chair to join him at the top table. I was fuming. We have pictures taken during speeches and she is just sort of plonked on the end of the table.
If you ask and someone says no then I think you have to appreciate that answer. It's not always possible to accommodate these requests even if you want to.

Tistheseason17 · 04/10/2019 20:07

OP, if this happened years ago why are you raising it now???

Windydaysuponus · 04/10/2019 20:10

When does mh issue become cfery?
My exh had depression and anxiety. He was also a twat who expected special treatment all round.
The B&G need not alter their arrangements surely? Alice can stay home.
My ds has a gf with anxiety.
Manages herself to the pub every night.
Can't manage a cuppa when ds wants to go somewhere though...
When I was a dc I was shy. Never considered I needed a special label.

Is anybody label free these days?

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 04/10/2019 20:11

That's terrible @Ginnymweasley - what happened afterwards? Did your DH stay friends with the best man? Did they ever apologise for her behaviour? Are they still together? Do you still see them? I'd have ditched them as friends after that sort of disrespectful, attention seeking behaviour!

Ellisandra · 04/10/2019 20:12

Alice is a dick.
Not because she has anxiety and didn’t want to sit alone.
But that she didn’t just appreciate C&D solving the problem.

OP is being ridiculously provocative in calling it “uninviting”.

That’s not what happened. B’a friends saw the problem, and accommodated it with no hard feelings.

Alice is a PITA.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 04/10/2019 20:12

I don't think so @Windydaysuponus

bakesalesally · 04/10/2019 20:21

Can't be arsed to rtft. Who the hell expects to be at the top table if the lu are not in the bridal party.

Alice is being a dick.

skyblu · 04/10/2019 20:22

Alice is being unreasonable. All C&D want is the ‘traditional’ top table set up, which they are perfectly entitled to have on THEIR wedding day.
Alice, anxiety or no anxiety, needs to grow up and be respectful.
Such a shame that she ruined this for all the others. Alice should be ashamed.
OR...just not go and let Ben have a nice day without having to worry about her!

Ginnymweasley · 04/10/2019 20:29

invisible DH is still friends with him but it was a bit strained for awhile. Him and the girlfriend split up about 18 months later, I think everyone breathed a sigh of relief tbh. On the actual wedding day due to her behaviour and attitude they ended up leaving early, they actually left before my elderly grandma. Some people are just rude I suppose.

MulticolourMophead · 04/10/2019 20:31

I suspect OP has raised this now after all this time because Alice is still going on about it.

nuxe1984 · 04/10/2019 20:35

Alice is being unreasonable. It's traditional for the best man to be at the top table (without partner) and if that's the sort of wedding they6 want then it's up to them.

Looks like Alice wants to have her cake and eat it!

PeachyPeachTrees · 04/10/2019 20:39

Alice got her way, she should be grateful and still go to wedding. She is the only one making things awkward. Poor Ben and Carl, she mucked it up for them.

momtoboys · 04/10/2019 20:39

"I've been to many weddings and sit down meals and have always been seated next to my husband."

Good lord, woman, then how do you drink too much and flirt with the man seated next to you? :)

StarryNight - I am stunned as to how much work went into making one person happy for an event. Poor groomsman having to jump up and be at his wife/GF beck and call between courses. How embarrassing for all involved.

Alice is being a drama queen. Her poor husband.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 04/10/2019 20:44

Sounds like he had a lucky escape in the end @Ginnymweasley. Glad she's not still in your lives!