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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Disagreement on wedding seating

430 replies

RoyalnGeneral · 03/10/2019 08:52

Wedding one. Some details changed but I am not any of the four people involved.

I have a friend, Alice who suffers from anxiety (relevant). Alice got married to Ben about 18 months ago. Ben is a laid back ‘try to keep everyone happy’ type of guy. Alice and Ben are friends with another couple, Carl and Donna. Ben and Carl have been best friends for over 20 yrs. Alice and Donna worked together for several years but now work at different organisations.

Carl and Donna have announced they will be getting married next spring and Carl asked Ben to be his best man. Planning was going well until seating arrangements were discussed when it turned out Ben would be sitting at the top table while Alice would be at a guest table. Alice was upset and said she didn’t know anyone at the wedding and didn’t want to sit with strangers. She wanted to sit next to Ben at the top table.

Ben spoke to C&D and asked if Alice could sit with him. Carl and Donna said no, they understood it wasn’t ideal but that A&B would only be separated for a few hours. Alice said if she couldn't sit at the top table then she wanted Ben to sit at her guest table and do his speech from there. C&D refused again as they wanted Ben at the top table with Carl, so he could do the toasts/ read the messages/ keep people on time.

Things went back and forth without resolution, then last weekend Carl phoned Ben and uninvited him from being best man. A&B are still invited to the wedding and can now sit together at the guest table. The new best man will sit at the top table. The best man’s wife will be sitting with friends at another guest table.

Alice told me about this last night. She was taken aback that Ben had been uninvited. She said that at her wedding she hadn’t cared about wedding party only at the top table. What was important to her was that her guests felt comfortable and she didn’t think it was fair she had been expected to sit by herself with people she didn’t know.

I said that while Alice hadn't minded who sat at the top table at her wedding, Carl and Donna seem to want a more traditional approach. Also, C&D have accommodated Alice’s request to sit with Ben, although not in the way Alice expected. Carl will now have his best man with him at the top table, as he wants, and the best man’s wife will be sitting with people she knows, so perhaps it is the best compromise C&D can come up with, given the circumstances.

Alice disagreed. She said C&D are overreacting and she doesn’t see why she couldn’t been seated with Ben in the first place. She isn't sure she wants to go to the wedding now as she thinks it will be awkward.

AIBU to think Alice should have accepted C&D’s initial refusal and not continued to insist on sitting with Ben?

I know Alice’s anxiety means she finds these situations stressful so perhaps C&D could have been more sympathetic. But it’s C&D’s wedding day which I tend to think puts the onus on A&B to try to accomodate their friends' wishes.

OP posts:
madeyemoodysmum · 04/10/2019 08:45

I feel for Alice but it’s situation where she has to suck it up I’m afraid.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/10/2019 08:48

Does anyone else think ‘All About Alice’ sounds like a third-rate American sitcom? I bet she’d be insufferably kooky.

Aethelthryth · 04/10/2019 08:53

Alice needs to grow up

YobaOljazUwaque · 04/10/2019 09:13

Alice was unreasonable and should have politely declined the invitation and made arrangements to do something else that day so that Ben could be best man unencumbered. I would think Carl and Donna seriously considered uninviting the pair of them from the whole shebang.

Carl and Donna get to have the wedding they want, including the seating plan they want, with the sole proviso that no one, but no one, is under any obligation to attend, so anyone who isn't happy with C&D's decisions just need to politely decline to participate.

Witchend · 04/10/2019 09:40

We had an "Alice". She wasn't shy, and was sitting with a group she had known for years.
We ignored her and just thought she was an attention seeking brat.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/10/2019 10:10

Yes, it might not have been possible or practical to seat Alice at the top table, but when this was declined, she suggested Ben sat with her - at which point it seems Carl and Donna simply sacked Ben as best man.

It's their wedding, they want the traditional set up which is the best man being "in charge" of the mike, that works alot better when he's up at the table with everyone who's doing speeches, why should they change all that to suit someone else? They did accommodate her in the end by picking someone else who was happy to do the job they wanted him to do, the way they wanted him to do it. People might not like that traditional way and that's fine but others do

lottiegarbanzo · 04/10/2019 10:32

OP, it sounds from your update as though you're trying to work out how to help Alice, or what to say to her when she talks about events like this.

My experience of people like this, is that they hold the idea that because they struggle with things that they don't see other people struggling with, everyone else's life is easy and perfect.

They adopt a 'child' persona and treat everyone else as grown-ups, who can be endlessly leant upon, or subjected to their demands.

They are self-absorbed and don't necessarily lack the capacity for empathy but do lack it in practice, because it doesn't occur to them that others would require any understanding or sympathy.

So my suggestion would be to suggest to Alice that she tries asking other people open questions and trying a bit of active listening. If she can possibly do that and follow up on what people are really saying, rather than thinking about herself all the time, she might be really surprised at what is actually going on in their lives.

MouthyHarpy · 04/10/2019 10:42

So my suggestion would be to suggest to Alice that she tries asking other people open questions and trying a bit of active listening. If she can possibly do that and follow up on what people are really saying, rather than thinking about herself all the time, she might be really surprised at what is actually going on in their lives

This is such good advice. Extreme shyness (I think it's called social anxiety now) is also extreme self-absorption.

I've been there, it's horrible.

But as a grown up, I just had to learn to get over myself and realise I wasn't that important. And that if I got interested in other people, this was a way of deflecting my shyness, and also I got to talk to some interesting people and learn things. Other people are endlessly fascinating to me.

rattusrattus20 · 04/10/2019 10:58

I'm probably not unlike Alice in some ways [being filled with a nameless dread at being expected to make hours' worth of polite conversation with random strangers] I suppose my way of dealing with it would have been roughly be as follows:

  1. insist on being put on a singles' table or similar; one at which the others also won't all know each other; or maybe with someone who i at least vaguely know;
  2. drink a lot, at least initially, to help make it go quicker;
  3. consider whether just attending the evening do might be better;
  4. ask to be visited a lot by my OH between courses etc;
  5. never, ever, under any circumstances ask to be sat at the top table.
theretheirtheyrenotno · 04/10/2019 11:18

Alice has what she wanted, her husband sitting with her!

But she wants it all her way, she wants her DH to be best man and sit with him.

It's a shame she has an illness but she's going to have to live with this for the rest of her life so she's going to have to deal with type of thing a lot.

ScreamingValenta · 04/10/2019 12:17

the best man being "in charge" of the mike, that works alot better when he's up at the table with everyone who's doing speeches, why should they change all that to suit someone else?

Why should they change it? Because, while it's a nice to have, it's not critical to the success of the wedding. Does it really matter who is in charge of the microphone - no - it's a minor detail. Carl and Donna are the hosts of their wedding - hosts - or at least, hosts who are familiar with the rudiments of good manners - shouldn't put trivialities above the comfort of their guests.

I repeat that I think Alice behaved just as selfishly - and it's led to a no win situation, which is what happens when two groups of selfish people won't budge. Someone had to be the bigger person - but no one could step outside the bubble of their own exacting requirements.

ivykaty44 · 04/10/2019 12:27

We took an Alice approach to our wedding. Couples and friends sat together, none of this splitting people up for the sake of what I consider strange rules about a “top table”. Our best man was at another table with his BF, everyone was happy and the speech was one of the best best man speeches in the history of Ever!

No you didn’t use the Alice approach, you got to decide how to do the seating. The Alice approach is someone else gets to tell the bride and groom where the guests sit

lottiegarbanzo · 04/10/2019 12:38

Can you imagine if the best man had given his speech from another table - every person in the room would want to know why. Every person would be either speculating or telling each other about Alice's anxiety. What a way to draw attention to yourself!

ScreamingValenta · 04/10/2019 12:42

The best man wouldn't have had to stand up and make his speech at the guest table - he could have made his way to the top table, made his speech and then gone back. I doubt anyone would have thought anything of it, if they even noticed he was sitting somewhere else for the rest of the meal.

Tractorgirlz · 04/10/2019 12:45

Alice sounds pathetic

ThanosSavedMe · 04/10/2019 12:49

Alice needs to understand that it wasn’t about her.

I get her anxiety. Dh was once a bestman and I was on a table with a load of people o didn’t know. Not one person. I nearly didn’t go as I was so worried about it. I’d gone on there hen night and had the worst night out ever but dh convinced me it was only for a few hours. So I did go and ended up having a great time.

If this were a one off situation then you could put it down to nerves however you said this keeps happening. She seems to like the drama. No wonder the bride and groom phased them out.

Ladywillpower · 04/10/2019 12:51

Alice behaved selfishly & got what she wanted. The person who lost out was Ben, her husband, but I suppose he must be used to that happening!

Cloudhopping · 04/10/2019 12:52

Unfortunately you can have anxiety and be a complete and utter twat at the same time.

drivingtofrance · 04/10/2019 12:56

I havent RTFT but how will Alice fare during and prior to the ceremony?

The Best Man will be with the groom all morning and accompany him to the church/ venue so Alice will be making her own way there and sitting through the service one too.

Alice IBU and it's s probably the right thing for her not to attend if it's making it difficult for the bride and groom.

Toastymash · 04/10/2019 12:58

I get very anxious and would be terrified at the thought of going along to a wedding with my husband, but then being sat with a bunch of strangers for a chunk of the evening whilst my husband was preoccupied with other things as best man. He is usually my support in social situations.

The difference between Alice and I is that I would have either gone anyway and tried to fake my way through the dinner, or if it was really too much I would have pretended to have a prior engagement/illness and let my husband enjoy the day as best man.

Alice is very selfish and self-absorbed. Anxiety is not an excuse for the way she has behaved. She will lose friends if this continues.

ScreamingValenta · 04/10/2019 13:00

how will Alice fare during and prior to the ceremony?

You don't normally have to talk during the arrival and ceremony parts of the wedding - I imagine the anxiety stems from the idea of being expected to make conversation with strangers during the meal. It's also possible (purely a guess though) that Alice might have an eating disorder.

SuzieBishop · 04/10/2019 13:05

Alice sounds like a bloody child. Tell her to look out her big girl pants and put them bloody on. It’s her fault her mans not best man anymore!

Youseethethingis · 04/10/2019 13:05

@ivykaty44

“She said that at her wedding she hadn’t cared about wedding party only at the top table. What was important to her was that her guests felt comfortable and she didn’t think it was fair she had been expected to sit by herself with people she didn’t know.”

Quote from OP. That’s what I was referring to in my post. We did the same at our wedding.

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 04/10/2019 13:09

I've only read the first two pages and already think some of the posters are the twats, not Alice.
Anxiety is awful.
Bully for you if you don't suffer from it, or too badly from it.
Yes, it can come across as being a needy pain in the arse, but trust me you don't want to feel that way Sad
Maybe she wanted to go, felt fine and up to going, but just needed the comfort blanket of him by her side to not feel overwhelmed.
If you don't get bad anxiety you won't understand though.
I don't think it'd have killed to let them sit together, I had a very traditional wedding but never got the fuss about rigid bloody seating arrangements.

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 04/10/2019 13:12

Can you imagine if the best man had given his speech from another table - every person in the room would want to know why. Every person would be either speculating or telling each other about Alice's anxiety. What a way to draw attention to yourself!

Maybe it's just me but I really don't notice or care about things like that - who's sat where, who even bothers to think @ooh, what's he doing over there?
Which is why Alice at the top table too would have been a better solution then people who pearl clutch at the best man sat in the wrong place wouldn't even notice that Alice was top tabling too. well, normal people wouldn't