My friends house is dirty

[hollyhee111]

My friend ( not very close but pretty close ) invited me round today . I keep putting off going to her house because it's just filthy , she hardly ever washes dishes , floors always filthy , food everywhere , dog hair you name it . I can't stand being there . And I feel so bad as I just can't keep making excuses not to go round she's even making lunch today for us . I have a toddler too and the thought of him touching stuff etc makes me really uncomfortable . Argh what do I do ?? She's the loveliest person I know . Do I say something or just grin and bare it 🙈

Are people just reading the first couple of posts and getting giddy about the opportunity to correct someone? It's been said about 12 times already!!

Personally, if it was that bad I would make polite excuses to meet elsewhere. It would have to be quite bad though.

Trewser Not really, she had downtime but just did her housework before she sat down with a book and TV. The house wasnt perfect but it was clean.

In fairness those of us that manage to keep houses in reasonable order (and I say reasonable because mine is far far from perfect) manage to do so whilst still having time to read, socialise, play with kids etc.

Filth is a usually a choice, unless you physically or mentally cant clean

If she's your friend I don't think you can totally avoid going around there. However, maybe steer the get togethers to coffee out, a potter around town, childrens play area if you both have kids, monthly drink or meal out together, walk up a nearby hill etc.

*The Difference between Bear and Bare

Besides being the name of a big furry animal, bear functions as a verb. It means to tolerate, to carry something, or to endure.

•The grizzly bear seemed friendly, but we wisely kept our distance.

•She could hardly bear the thought of selling her beloved vintage car.

•It is too cold to go outside with bare arms.

“Bare” functions as an adjective or a verb. As an adjective, it can mean minimal, naked, uncovered, or without supplies. The verb “bare” is means to reveal or open something to view.

•The cupboard was bare .

•Tabitha had no idea why she began to bare her heart to the stranger.

•The backpack weighed thirty pounds, a heavy burden to bear.

I have a friend whose house is fairly clean and tidy, but she never opens any windows and it's stuffy and smelly inside. I feel like gagging every time I walk in. I've never said anything to her but I always make excuses to come to my house instead of going to hers.

Just arrange to meet at your house or elsewhere. I wouldn’t go to anyone’s house that was in that state.

I reconnected with a friend recently and popped round to her house to pick her up to go somewhere, me and my dd walked in and it was like walking into a squat.. She keeps inviting me and dd round but my dd, when I asked if she wants to come, said she doesn't want to go because its so dirty... She was only 4 at the time. My house is by no means a palace but bloody hell I was shocked!

I wouldn't say anything though, it's her house and not for me to comment.

EagleVision excellent post. I have invisible disabilities which really take their toll on my energy levels so housework is often bottom of my list of priorities. I am self-conscious about inviting people round at the best of times and certainly wouldn't feel helped or supported by anyone offering to do the dishes or hoover...I'd just feel judged and even more useless than I already do.

I've forgotten what the thread is about as every other post is a pratty grammar lesson.

I can't bare it when people who should of read the full thread only read the first couple of posts before responding. That's a bigger crime than mixing up a couple of words.

If it were my friend I'd think she is overwhelmed and possibly depressed. Sometimes people don't know where to start. I'd offer to help tidy up. I suppose I'd be worried she'd be offended tho so maybe meet elsewhere

I think a good friend would go round and not bother about the mess. I think your toddler will survive and actually super clean homes are far worse, we need a bit of dirt for the immune system.

You have no idea also what is going on behind closed doors.

My house used to be a tip when I had a toddler and a baby and I was going through chemo. Now my friends knew I was ill but still many people have hidden conditions. Either that or she doesn’t care which I kind of admire!

I've forgotten what the thread is about as every other post is a pratty grammar lesson.

Haha. Good one!

All the people saying "she can see the mess" I think are quite likely wrong. She probably cannot see the mess. If she was raised in a home with similar levels of mess (likely) all she sees is the normality of a family home. I had a friend growing up whose family home was like this, truly I had to breathe through my mouth and try to hold onto my stomach until the nose blindness kicked in. And lo, he replicated all the same filth when he got his own place. Even got kicked out of a shared house in uni for it. It's a kind of knowing-unknowing and being completely ill equipped to handle it. If she is the loveliest person you know, maybe she channels her energy into other things, like being generous and thoughtful. Don't ruin a friendship over it, just try and work around it as much as possible. As someone said, bring over an element of the lunch that can be easily heated and make sure everyone washes their hands before eating.

I think the attitude of 'having better things to do' is just about not wanting to do housework out of laziness or just having low hygiene standards.
Of course my Mum could have read a book, watched TV etc but she chose to keep our home clean.

Do you think reading a book or watching TV is what people are talking about when they say they have better things to do, merrygoround?

I’m in a similar pickle atm and it’s worrying me a bit. A very close friend of mine is unable to leave the house due to health issues and won’t be able to for the foreseeable future. I’ve been friends with them a long time and the smell in their house has gotten worse and worse and worse, to the extent that now when I go I apply really strong perfume oil to the inside of my nostrils and keep reapplying when they’re not looking to try mask it a bit but it just isn’t enough. Last time I went I was close to being sick cos of the added smell of their dog who came and fell asleep at my feet and had to keep spraying body spray around me between me and the dog or I’d have just had to leave.

I’m stressing because I’m due my first baby and I can’t bear the idea of never introducing baby to one of my closest friends, but at the same time it’s so horrific as an adult to be in that house even with perfume and spray I just can’t make myself feel okay with taking a small baby in there when they have no choice and can’t cover their nose, it’s so unhygienic and gross. And I especially will not take them once they’re mobile as there’s no way I think it’s safe for them to be moving around touching things.

I don’t want to say the truth to my friend if they ask in time why I’ve never taken my child over to meet them as it just sounds so offensive but I feel horrible lying too. It’s not just me, I took my partner a couple times and he said it was unbearable and much worse than he’d imagined it might be based on what I said, and he’s also of the mindset that while we can suck it up and go to see this friend it’s not fair to do that to a baby so he doesn’t feel comfortable with it either.

Thinking of maybe making something up about an allergy to pet hair or some kind of breathing issues as a reason and hoping that in summer they can get into the garden and maybe we can swing by for five minutes just to show them the baby and say we have to get away quickly, but it’s just so fraught. I am fine handling dirt and mess and smells to an extent but it’s so bad now I’ve reduced how often I go from regularly to barely ever cos I get a sinking sense of dread imagining entering the house and while I’m pregnant especially my stomach can’t take it. I feel like such a shit friend. They even made a joke last time how it didn’t smell as bad this time (after the time before with having to keep spraying near the dog) but it was the worst it’s been so they have no awareness at all of the severity. Been friends for so many years and it used to be fine and then just a bit bad but it’s now become unbearable.

Anyone got any advice?

My house isn't as clean and tidy as I would like it to be. It's never awful but it's not as well kept as most of my friends' houses. I generally only get around to washing the floor if we've got visitors about to turn up, but I suppose that's where the difference is - if people are coming over I make sure the house is clean enough. I struggle more to keep on top of it nowadays with a toddler to look after.

Occasionally friends do come in and offer to hang the washing up or if I cook lunch they help me clear up. I really appreciate this sort of help and am not offended!

Having said all that, I would struggle to spend time at friends' houses that were unclean to the point of being very unhygienic. If a longstanding friend who was usually reasonably clean gradually stopped bothering I would worry a bit about a mental health issue and would try to be as supportive as possible.

in a world (or even a country) where many have no homes, to do this is beyond disgusting. People doesn't have to live in a bubble of bleach but they do have to do washing up, tidy up, wash clothes, clean surfaces and vacuum occasionally.

and there's a dog. What a surprise. I see there's a dog on another post, living with someone who can't leave the house. Walks? clearing up crap?

no reason for you to visit a health hazard. Or for this person to live in one.

Offer to help her?
That's what friends do.

No way! She's probably more than capable of doing it herself and her partner, if she has one.

If you did that, it would probably be a shit pit again in a couple of days.

I've got a close friend whose house is like this. I find it difficult and while I love her company and so put up with it, I don't like going to stay there much. The bathroom stinks of stale piss because the toilet is cleaned so rarely - it really is not nice. Her and her partner have always lived like this, both pre and post kids. By the same token I think my clean and tidy house freaks her out a bit - she takes the piss out me for it.

She would say she has better things to do than clean: she is too busy with work, social life, hobbies etc. But I think maintaining a level of hygiene is part of functional living. A house she lived in once became infested with rats. A friend gently suggested that she needed to keep things a bit cleaner and tidier and she flipped her lid. She was busy with work! Was this person going to come round and look after her children so that she could clean?! Should she isolate herself socially so she can stay in and clean?! But I have children, and a job, and a social life. And my house is still in a reasonable state. It's just something you have to do - like paying bills.

If it's gross and smelly then yes you don't need to judge but you also don't need to put yourself in that situation, if you don't want to.

No way would I take a baby or toddler.

House with dogs don't have to smell, mine doesn't and 2 others owners I know.

Houses with kids don't have to have sticky places, my friends has 7, another has 6, another 5 and all their houses are not sticky.

My wider family always owned cats and are never covered in cat hair.
These things are choices.

So if people make choices to live like that then you can make the choice not to visit or not to eat or drink at their house.

Everyone has different standards, don't impose yours on them but you also don't have to sit around at theirs and act like it doesn't bother you.

If you are friends it runs both ways, so don't make them feel uncomfortable about their house but equally they should not expect you to be at their house, so other arrangements should be made.

I personally would never judge someone according to how messy their house is !! I can honestly say I have never picked up a bug from a grubby house . I would just go and visit and be a good friend.

I see there's a dog on another post, living with someone who can't leave the house. Walks? clearing up crap?

No need to jump to conclusions. My friend can’t leave the house due to health issues, but her husband also lives there and can and does. He walks the dogs plenty/clears crap. The dogs just absolutely stink but they’re not the only smell in the there. Other than them stinking they are well loved and cared for.

I think some people saying a dirty house wouldn’t stop them perhaps haven’t experienced the level of filth and smell some of us are talking about. It’s not being a bit messy and dusty and a sink full of plates.

@Appletreehouse

Academics my arse, CF's and lazy to boot more like🙄

I wouldn't dream of bringing a child into a filthy house.

Messy, no problem.
Filthy, no way.