My friends house is dirty

[hollyhee111]

My friend ( not very close but pretty close ) invited me round today . I keep putting off going to her house because it's just filthy , she hardly ever washes dishes , floors always filthy , food everywhere , dog hair you name it . I can't stand being there . And I feel so bad as I just can't keep making excuses not to go round she's even making lunch today for us . I have a toddler too and the thought of him touching stuff etc makes me really uncomfortable . Argh what do I do ?? She's the loveliest person I know . Do I say something or just grin and bare it 🙈

OP, you sound like my mum!!! Honestly I laugh now remembering back to when I was a child and DM was in a house that wasn't very clean and she was trying to not eat anything but wanted to be polite so she tried to get us to eat it when the hostess was not looking. My poor DM, God rest her soul, was lovely but she really was very fussy about food hygiene and in these instances was caught between a rock and a hard place.

Perhaps get your toddler to eat the food for you??? (obviously you are worried about the toddler too, my DM was not concerned about us eating the food, just her!!!!).

If she keeps asking and you keep putting it off you're going to end up losing her as a friend. If it bothers you so much just say you'd like to treat her to lunch out. That way you both get to see each other and you both get lunch. Plus not hurting her feelings..

I think Digestive knows she got it right the first time now, despite correcting no-one but herself (probably after seeing it'd been spelt differently in the op and doubting herself)

Think you're going to have to face it hollyhee, maybe be too full from breakfast to eat, and your toddler is really enjoying taking packed lunches with her on trips out lately...
(Let your friend know in advance though!)

Hope you enjoy your visit anyway!

This is me (no pet though.) Im super clever, high IQ etc but completely overwhelmed by housestuff. Some stuff I genuinely dont mind, other stuff I wish I was on top off but havent managed to be.

If I were wealthier I would so have a housekeeper/cleaner. I do love it clean and tidy but genuinely struggle to keep it like it.

I love friends that accept me as I am. Also v happy to get out and about. I also love it if someone offers to bring lunch as I get so anxious over getting it right..

Yeah just bare it with baited breath.

I have 2 friends like this . Believe me I am not a clean freak but when someone lives in squalor it's awful. I feel nauseous when I go to their houses. You can't do anything. Just try and make sure you always meet at your place or outside.

The mum would muck the horses out then go and prep food in the kitchen without washing her hands

You can't catch a skin infection from horse muck.

Disclaimer: i do wash my hands after mucking out and before cooking!

I have a BIG dog and he bloody stinks! No matter how much I clean you can still smell him when you walk in my house (even with 4628 air fresheners plugged in)

Same with our great dane December.

The reek of DOG just hits you when you open the front door, despite, as you say, air fresheners, frequent washing of bedding, and industrial strength Febreeze applied in liberal quantities.

When he goes to the Rainbow Bridge, there will NOT be another one! (On the other hand, our spaniels don't smell very "doggy" but one of them farts constantly, which the Big 'Un doesn't, so I suppose it's swings and roundabouts)

My house looks spotless, but YUP it DOES stink of dog, in spite of all measure like yours!Our dog is young and you can stick your noses in her fur, she doesnt smell!!!

Totally can relate. Also have a friend who is similar, always blames it on the toddler. House is revolting as in dirty dishes everywhere, sink full of bits of food, food and drink spills not cleaned up, dirty laundry all over the floors, nappies just rolled up and left wherever the child was changed, cleaning sprays and laundry stuff left on sides with lids off, cooked food left in pans on the side, garden full of cups, clothes, shoes and other random crap, washing left on line for over a month sometimes.
I cannot take my child there as I think it’s dangerous and I’d be worried she’d eat something or drink cleaning stuff or something. IF I go round I only drink something if it’s directly out a bottle, couldn’t accept a cup of tea or food though.

counterintuitively, it's bad for our DC to live in very clean houses isn't it? Having a dog is the best thing you can do for your child's immune system (and perhaps mental health).

I do a LOT of cleaning, but with kids and geriatric pets I could spend 4 hours every single day cleaning to get it to the standard most pet and kid free people can maintain with a couple of hours once a week...

Meet elsewhere, it's obvious.

Either go and ignore the bits you don’t like because it’s not your house (she probably has to do the same at yours) or meet somewhere else.

I'd just make an excuse of my toddler being into everything and you don't want him to break anything etc. Instead I would suggest an alternative venue like the park if your skint or going for a walk etc.

Oh god don't offer to clean for heaven's sake. That's what friends are for my arse, you will just upset her.

my sister has a doggy house but hoover's & clean's like a crazy thing if i'm coming round as I had such bad allergies growing up - funny thing is she hasn't seemed to realise that the dog is still there when I visit

Worst disgusting house I've been to was a friend who ran a rescue place. It was revolting, what did it for me was a syringe left on the bathroom floor without the top on. Her husband was a diabetic, not that it makes any difference. That's totally unacceptable when people are visiting.

Meet elsewhere

I may be going against the grain but of she's a good friend I would probably breeze in 'let me give you a hand' and start washing up. If she's not then I would probably make time to talk. She maybe just has a lot on her plate. It's generally the most successful people I know who don't have the time or inclination to focus on cleaning etc.

This reminds me of the thread about the kind woman offering a snobby MNer lifts in a car that apparently wasn't clean enough for acceptability. I hate this kind of judginess. My house is messy because both DP and I have better things to do than constant housework. We do it when we get around to it and when it's necessary, but absolutely not in order to meet up to some indefinable standard of other people's. I hope if you were my friend you'd appreciate and accept that, just as I accept that people with dogs have homes that smell doggy and people with cats tend to result in my clothes having cat hair on them, and people with small children have sticky surfaces, and people who have the TV on constantly have homes that are noisy and distracting. Either be her friend or don't, but don't engage in any of this passive aggressive nonsense people are suggesting, like pretending your child wanted to eat before coming out ffs. She's messy, not stupid.

I have a friend like this but I know she is in a bad place at the moment.
I visit now and then and just do my best to ignore it. Sometimes it is tidy but really dirty, and others she hasn't done anything. But, i know she is very depressed.
I do struggle with it sometimes when I go over there but she needs her friends. Perhaps this is what your friend is facing?
Maybe ask if she wants to pop to B&M and point her in the direction of cleaning bargains?

Digestive28

Bare it not bear it!

Bear it is correct. It means to carry the load - or bear the load.

I would go, say nothing and wouldn't stay long. I would hate it though.

I think a messy house is totally fine but a filthy house is just awful and contrary to other posters, I think the attitude of 'having better things to do' is just about not wanting to do housework out of laziness or just having low hygiene standards.
Fine, but it is not acceptable to most people and they will be repulsed by it.

I was reared with mess - single Mum, 3 kids, full time job - but the house was generally clean, even if ironing piled up and toys were littered around the house. Of course my Mum could have read a book, watched TV etc but she chose to keep our home clean.

Of course my Mum could have read a book, watched TV etc but she chose to keep our home clean

Poor her

That's the solution BARE cleaning.
No, you can't tell her straight, but you can drop hints.
It may wor, it might not. I told my niece about me gutting a room a day, throwing a carrier bag away a day. it was all bollocks but thought she might join in, she didn't, unfortunately and still lives in a shit tip with her 3 kids.

DontCallMeShitley

Yeah just bare it with baited breath.
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