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AIBU?

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Original poster

Baby 50/50 custody

136 replies

Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 00:31

I have previously posted about how OH was cheating and I found out the other week (our DD is just over 2 months now)
He has moved out and we are getting along solely for DDs sake.
He keeps going on about 50/50 custody arrangements.
I know it won’t happen now as I’m breastfeeding and DD is still really young.

However I’m absolutely terrified for this, me and DD are inseparable and the thought of it makes me go cold.

I’ve said when she’s 1 and I go back to work he can have-
Week 1: Monday Tuesday Wednesday until 6pm
Week 2: Friday Saturday Sunday until 6pm

He says this is only 2 1/2 days a week and wants exactly 50/50.
I think given the circumstances and DD young age, I’m being reasonable.
What does everyone else think?

Also what are the chances of him successfully getting 50/50 on DD when she is 1 year old? I feel like he will push for it.

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 03/10/2019 00:40

He is her father and I can't see any reason why he shouldn't have a 50:50 arrangement with you. Why are you planning on him not having his child overnight?

Original poster
Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 00:45

Sorry I don’t think I was totally clear, he would have her overnight so week1 he would have her from Monday early morning, overnight, Tuesday allday and again overnight, then Wednesday until 6pm

OP posts:
Tavannach · 03/10/2019 00:47

Gingerbread has lots of advice and support for single parents. Sorry can't post the link, phone's being difficult.

raspberryk · 03/10/2019 00:47

He won't get 50/50 because it is not beneficial for young children. I would get advise as to what you do offer as I'm not sure what you have proposed is hugely stable either.
I split from my exh when the baby was under 3 months and we built up contact from supervised to unsupervised, started at 2 hours one day at the weekend and built up to all day, no overnight til after i wasn't breastfeeding.

Gennz18 · 03/10/2019 00:50

Go and see a lawyer pronto before you make any promises.

If I was in your shoes I wouldn’t agree to 50/50 or the agreement that you proposed either. It’s in your child’s best interests to have a stable connection with a primary caregiver.

Teddybear45 · 03/10/2019 00:50

I would suggest you say no let him take it to court.

poppycity · 03/10/2019 00:52

I can completely understand why you feel this way, your baby is still young and dependent on you. It will be quite a shift to be away from her 1/2 the time, even when she's young. The only people I know with that arrangement with young ones was a very friendly divorce where they quickly realized had she not got pregnant when they were in Uni they would have just been best friends. They waited until baby was closer to 2 to start 50/50 (so he could understand how many nights sleep on a calendar, tbh he was a very advanced 2 year old, more like 3/3.5). They did one week on/one week off but the parent whose week off it was got to have dinner Tuesday night from daycare pick up until bedtime so every other week that parent left work early (like 3/3:30) and had him until bedtime at 8. The arrangement worked really well for them (their week on/off starts Friday after school/daycare). But I think what made it work so well was firstly they were on amazing terms and secondly they started it when he understood (and build up slowly over about 3 months - starting with 1 night then 2, etc., had Mummy visit during Dad's week), plus the Tuesday dinner made the parent who was on 'week off' still have contact and not feel excluded. Another thing they did was they met once a month to discuss their son, any worries, concerns, areas to follow up, a place they could have time as a family and parents could chat, like soft play. But both sides being very reasonable and understanding it was a big adjustment for a little to be away from Mummy helped lots.

I wish you luck. I'm sure it feels hard right now. Maybe remember it doesn't have to be decided right now and seek some professional advice too.

raspberryk · 03/10/2019 00:52

I've re read your post and you'd end up away from your 1 year old baby 6 days at a time, I really struggled with 1 overnight at slightly older than that and so did my baby.

Pierrettelasanguinaire · 03/10/2019 00:54

Dollars to donuts, he doesn't really want 50/50 residency, but he does want the upset the idea is causing you.
Let the dust settle a bit and try not to react. Also, if you are BFing, can you affect her digestion via your diet reliably? Because it would be really unfortunate if she had particularly stinky/frequent nappies every time he saw her at the moment, wouldn't it?

Original poster
Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 00:56

@raspberryk just realised that, thank you for alerting me, will rethink.

Thank you so far everyone, I realised that ex is her dad too and just because he was a twat to me, doesn’t make him less of a dad. I realise he will also miss her.

I just think particularly in her early years, DD needs to be close to her mum. This cannot be achieved in a 50/50. Ex would still have plenty of access, just more of a 70/30 split

OP posts:
NotSoFabReally · 03/10/2019 00:57

Not sure what you know about attachment theory OP, but under the age of 2 any prolonged period of being away from the primary caregiver could be very harmful for the child’s development and future attachment issues. I’d let him take you to court as I’m fairly certain a judge would say the same.

Hopefully by then he’ll have shacked up with someone else and won’t be so keen for so much contact, if any.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/10/2019 00:57

Don’t agree to anything that far off in the future yet. Your plan has a lot of consecutive nights away from your baby, that will be difficult for you and her.

Can he realistically do 50:50? What are his work arrangements? What childcare is available to him?

Original poster
Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 00:58

Basically the arrangement at 1 year old would be 3 days but 2 nights .
Is that reasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 01:00

Ex has moved back with his parents, has the spare room there and there is no other spare room for DD. He works 16 hours a week and refuses to do more (the cause of many arguments in the past) he’s pretty workshy

OP posts:
NotSoFabReally · 03/10/2019 01:00

And in saying that I’m not saying don’t let him have any access, but a couple of hours a few times a week sounds reasonable I think.

If he misses his DD, well maybe he should have thought about that. Demanding 50:50 access of a very small baby is laughable.

Original poster
Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 01:02

NotSoFabReally

I didn’t set out to, but I believe I am following a style of attachment parenting so I definitely believe in that sort of thing

OP posts:
NotSoFabReally · 03/10/2019 01:06

Well if I were you I would carry on BF until your dd is 2. No overnights then, and a judge would say the same. Don’t let him bully you, after what he’s just put you through I’d tell him in no uncertain terms he has no rights to demand anything right now. The law will be on your side here, honestly, let him take you to court.

Aprillygirl · 03/10/2019 01:07

So your dd will spend a third of it’s time with you, a third with your ex and a third with a childminder. Doesn’t sound ideal for such a young child to be passed round pillar to post like that. Where’s the security?

Original poster
Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 01:08

Where has the third with a childminder come from? I never said that

OP posts:
Velveteenfruitbowl · 03/10/2019 01:13

50:50 for a young child that was raised from a very young age by only one parent would be cruel.

rubyblue40 · 03/10/2019 01:22

i think ex is being selfish and not thinking of the child. 1 year old is far too young to be away from 50% of the time

zebrasdontwearbras · 03/10/2019 01:26

I would never even suggest the contact you're offering, let alone 50-50 for a very young baby.

Research has shown (as a pp said) that a baby/young child needs a primary caregiver - normally the mother, obviously, because of breastfeeding - but can actually be anyone, as long as they have a primary caregiver, who they spend most of their time with.

Absolutely, your baby's father should have reasonable contact - but a baby isn't something that can or should be divided in half between the 2 parents because it's "fair".

Your child's interests are paramount here, and she needs stability and a permanent residence with you, as well as some contact with her father.

Breastfeed as long as you can Wink I bf my dd for 26 months.

Whataliberty · 03/10/2019 01:31

Don't agree to anything until you have got legal advice. I suspect he is trying to avoid paying much maintenance due to 50/50 arrangement.

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2019 01:34

OP it sounds like you are in a horrible situation.

You do not need to think about what is reasonable or fair, you need to think about what is best for baby.

At the moment you are probably pretty much (correct me if wrong) her soul carer. You are breast feeding her and you are probably just about all she knows.

Especially since your ex has chosen to have an affair and move out when your baby is so tiny (what a total wanker he is).

The baby is not a time share which you both own and need to split fairly, she is a tiny person who he has let down quite spectacularly, IMHO, and you need legal advice before you promise anything.

Having chosen such a route he is clearly not thinking about his daughter, or you, yet you are expected to think about his feelings.

He is almost certainly doing this to wind you up and exert control. If in the future he wants (and can prove it is your dd's best interests) for her to live 50/50, then you can consider that when she is older.

Right now you need to establish her routine, make her feel safe and ensure that if he does ever have her overnight he knows exactly what to do.

Idontwanttotalk "... I can't see any reason why he shouldn't have a 50:50 arrangement with you." because it is very damaging for young babies to be away from their primary caregiver, especially if breast fed.

Original poster
Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 01:35

I agree, I suspect he is trying to hurt me. I’m glad I posted as I was really thinking I was being unreasonable. I personally couldn’t stand DD to go away for more than a night at such a young age (not even a night to be honest) so I’m glad you’ve all said that I’m actually planning on doing more than expected at age 1

OP posts: