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Original poster

Baby 50/50 custody

136 replies

Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 00:31

I have previously posted about how OH was cheating and I found out the other week (our DD is just over 2 months now)
He has moved out and we are getting along solely for DDs sake.
He keeps going on about 50/50 custody arrangements.
I know it won’t happen now as I’m breastfeeding and DD is still really young.

However I’m absolutely terrified for this, me and DD are inseparable and the thought of it makes me go cold.

I’ve said when she’s 1 and I go back to work he can have-
Week 1: Monday Tuesday Wednesday until 6pm
Week 2: Friday Saturday Sunday until 6pm

He says this is only 2 1/2 days a week and wants exactly 50/50.
I think given the circumstances and DD young age, I’m being reasonable.
What does everyone else think?

Also what are the chances of him successfully getting 50/50 on DD when she is 1 year old? I feel like he will push for it.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 03/10/2019 14:46

Dont make any promises. 50/50 is rarely best for such a young child. They need stability and to know where their home is.
The standard is every other weekend. If you offered that once baby is not breastfed, then courts wouldnt insist on more as theyd say you were offering reasonable access and not being obstructive.

YouFellAsleeep · 03/10/2019 14:47

Why do people assume he just doesn’t want to pay maintenance? Maybe he does actually want to have a close relationship with his child like the mother does? Sometimes it seems like men are damned if they, damned if they don’t.

summersherewishiwasnt · 03/10/2019 14:47

Being work shy and living with his parents would bother me, who exactly would be taking care of your child. Him or his parents.

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2019 14:47

much more concerned

'What makes OP an expert on babies?' who said she was an expert on babies. She is looking after their child while her ex has fucked off elsehwere. Doesn't make her an expert does make her capable.

Your husband may have a lot of child care experience. My question would be does this man. My dh had barely held a baby when we had ours. Doesn't make him a bad dad, he is a terrific dad. but if he had left me two months in I'm not sure I'd be still be trumpeting that he was a great dad!

Tweetingmagpie · 03/10/2019 14:49

I split up with my exh when my youngest was 1, I also had older kids aged 2,4,5 and 6!

What we did (and still do 5 years later) is I would have them during the day and after school, he would pick up on his nights and then take them to school and drop back younger ones in the morning.

At weekends he would have them Friday night then bring them back Saturday lunchtime, then again Sunday lunchtime til Monday morning.

It sounds hard to understand but it kind of looks like this:

Monday- alternate between me and dad or we split them up so one will have girls and the other boys.
Tuesday-me
Wednesday -me
Thursday-dad
Friday -dad
Saturday-me
Sunday -dad

It sounds complicated but it works for us and the kids are used to it.

There’s no need to go days without seeing your child, if you live close enough to each other and you can get on then I think it’s better to do it like this.

GPatz · 03/10/2019 14:51

'I refuse to believe there is this innate bond that is stronger between mum and baby, which frankly sets back any talk of equality that women claim to strive for'.

I can't wait until men strive for giving birth and breastfeeding.

Tweetingmagpie · 03/10/2019 14:52

Oh and I breastfed my youngest til she was nearly 3! He gave her a bottle or just comforted her, I can’t remember but it was fine, it probably helped that none of my children are particularly clingy, probably because of the number of them and the small age gaps.

Honestly op, whatever you end up doing, the first time you leave her for the night you will fee a bit sad but once you get used to it you will love it, ice since remarried and had another baby but those couple of single years I had I really enjoyed my child free nights!

ChilledBee · 03/10/2019 14:53

She is looking after their child while her ex has fucked off elsehwere. Doesn't make her an expert does make her capable.

We have no idea how she's coping with the baby. No offence but baby could be screaming in a 3 day old nappy as we speak. Leaving a relationship, even for someone else, doesn't mean you're a bad parent or cannot look after a baby and require supervised visits. It reminds me of when it was the consensus that a married woman who made her marriage so awful that her husband files for divorce must be mentally unstable. This was when men could still beat and rape their wives legally, yet we assumed a woman who left was unstable. In these times, lots of men ended up as the RP because the mother was seen as unfit.

avokado · 03/10/2019 14:54

@Idontwanttotalk what a crappy comment to dump on the OP. She didn't sign up to be a part time mother. She doesn't want her child gone 50% of the time. Her ex husband fucked up and it's not fair that she's punished for the next 18 years.

cacklingmags · 03/10/2019 14:55

Play the long game OP. Keep breast feeding, let him spend time with the baby, but no overnights, show him a conciliatory face. In two years his life may change, maybe a new girlfriend, might get sick of living with his parents and need a better job. His demand of 50/50 care sounds more like it is to punish you than because he wants to see the child. You are well able to out maneuver the useless knob.

RoseViolet101 · 03/10/2019 15:01

Oh gosh this would break my heart.

I don’t care what anyone says. Babies that young need to be with their mother. I don’t think anyone who has experience of breastfeeding can possibly disagree.

DD is now 15 months and has only just started to be comfortable with other people. She absolutely loves her Daddy but I still wouldn’t leave her overnight.

Do what a PP has suggested, keep breastfeeding and then you don’t have a legal obligation for over for a while.

Access is perfectly reasonable. 50/50 is ridiculous and damaging.

Tweetingmagpie · 03/10/2019 15:14

I dont feel like my 6 year old was damaged by spending 3 nights a week away from me Smile and she was breastfed. The nights were spread out over the week.

Jizzle · 03/10/2019 15:20

I feel really sorry for the children of these mums who can't bear the thought of their sweet little thing possibly being away from them for even one night. Children cope perfectly well with this and it's often hugely beneficial for them.

Denying their other parent less than 50% access is done not in the children's interest but as a way of getting back at the other parent

dottiedodah · 03/10/2019 15:23

I think he is trying to alarm you .Most men only really start to enjoy their DC when they are old enough to interact with them .I dont have any experience of this ,but would be very surprised if any court in the land would break a BF bond between Mother and child!

GPatz · 03/10/2019 15:30

Luckily, my DH is far more interested in my DC's interest the just striving for fairness and would not seek 50/50. Mainly because he (at the moment, but he will strive!) lacks the necessary equipment to feed her.

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2019 15:54

"We have no idea how she's coping with the baby. No offence but baby could be screaming in a 3 day old nappy as we speak. Leaving a relationship, even for someone else, doesn't mean you're a bad parent or cannot look after a baby and require supervised visits."

I've no idea if the OP's baby has been in a nappy for three days, but I seriously doubt it. And if there were the case it would make his actions in fucking off and leaving her even more detestable. I'm afraid there is no way to spin this to make the OP's ex look like dad of the year. He does, of course, deserve a relationship with his child. Not arguing against that at all but I am saying I cannot see how 50/50 is good for a baby and if he is having time caring for her, does he know how to do it properly. That's all I am saying. Thanks

ChilledBee We seem to be getting into a back and forth and I cannot really explain anything about the OP's parenting, as you can imagine. but I do think that when a parent isn't very involved in a baby/child's life then there needs to be some consideration before that parent takes sole responsibility for the baby/child. If the OP were to say he was a very hands on dad and very caring etc and she had no concerns it would be a different story. I cannot know what the OP's ex is like as a parent. As a partner, he's not acing it.

ChilledBee · 03/10/2019 15:57

From OP:

Ex at the moment is coming over every other day for a few hours abd spends time with her whilst I have a bath, relax etc

ChilledBee · 03/10/2019 16:00

So the only thing the OP has said is that she "knows he will miss her", and he sees her EOD where he has her alone while OP is elsewhere in the residence.You have no evidence that he is unable to cope alone but some evidence that OP doesn't feel the need to hover over him the whole time.

RoseViolet101 · 03/10/2019 16:00

@Jizzle I don’t agree. Every single child of divorced parents (including me) that I know spent more time with their primary care giver.

As much as I loved spending time with my Dad I would have hated to be ferried around 50/50 between houses when I was a child.

I’m sure it works great for some families like other posters have said. But it’s not something I’d want for my daughter.

Troels · 03/10/2019 16:01

It's nothing to do with babies needing Mum over Dad. It's to do with bonding and attachment.
Ferrying a tiny baby back and forth between houses and people, even if it is both biological parents can set the baby up for attachment issues, and anxiety, they need to have that one to one bond with the caregiver whoever it might be.
Once they are older and reconize people, ie, the babysitter, grandma, Dad, Mum. They don't seem to get that anxiety when left, although some do. Who would risk their child having lifelong attachment issues because on parent has decided they want 50/50 care of a tiny baby. Sounds more like a selfish adult, or one who has no experience with babies and small children.

Tweetingmagpie · 03/10/2019 16:17

A 1 year old is not a tiny baby!

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2019 17:20

Jizzle "I feel really sorry for the children of these mums who can't bear the thought of their sweet little thing possibly being away from them for even one night. Children cope perfectly well with this and it's often hugely beneficial for them..."

I am sure it is beneficial for children but a two month old baby is different, you cannot explain why the person who has been with them every day and every night for their whole lives is suddenly not there. It's different. It needs consideration.

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2019 17:24

"You have no evidence that he is unable to cope alone but some evidence that OP doesn't feel the need to hover over him the whole time." That's really good then, as it should be and I am pleased. I missed that form the opening post. Thank you ChilledBee.

Tweetingmagpie "A 1 year old is not a tiny baby!" Agreed but the OP's baby is 2 months. That is a tiny baby in my books.

Lllot5 · 03/10/2019 17:40

He’ll meet someone else and lose interest before she’s a year old.
If he doesn’t talk about it then.

Tweetingmagpie · 03/10/2019 18:56

She is talking about doing 50/50 when the baby is a year old, or at least that’s what I took from the op.

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