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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby 50/50 custody

136 replies

Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 00:31

I have previously posted about how OH was cheating and I found out the other week (our DD is just over 2 months now)
He has moved out and we are getting along solely for DDs sake.
He keeps going on about 50/50 custody arrangements.
I know it won’t happen now as I’m breastfeeding and DD is still really young.

However I’m absolutely terrified for this, me and DD are inseparable and the thought of it makes me go cold.

I’ve said when she’s 1 and I go back to work he can have-
Week 1: Monday Tuesday Wednesday until 6pm
Week 2: Friday Saturday Sunday until 6pm

He says this is only 2 1/2 days a week and wants exactly 50/50.
I think given the circumstances and DD young age, I’m being reasonable.
What does everyone else think?

Also what are the chances of him successfully getting 50/50 on DD when she is 1 year old? I feel like he will push for it.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2019 01:42

"I suspect he is trying to hurt me." Having had an affair and moved out you would imagine he had had enough chance to hurt you, so the fact he wants to do more shows you need to think very carefully about allowing him to use your daughter to hurt you.

Get legal advice. you are not unreasonable. He is a total wanker.

Are you married? Is he on the birth certificate? Neither of these things are a deal breaker for anyone but it might be good to explore all this with the solicitor.

No one has to stay married to anyone in my book, if he wanted to leave you he had a right to do it, but with a two month old child shows what a low life he is IMHO.

His job now is to support you and your (plural) child and not make decisions now which could affect his long term relationship with his child. Of course father's are important in children's lives but only if they are able to put their children's needs above their own. Is he able to do this or is he using your child to get at you?

Just out of interest how much has he cared for dd in the last two months, has he been 'in charge' alone, has he changed nappies, bather her etc? Because as you know looking after a tiny baby is very practical and not really fun stuff at this stage!

ifpossible · 03/10/2019 01:53

If he’s only working 16 hours then that will be why he is wanting 50:50 - he won’t have to pay any maintenance.
Never ever will anyone be able to persuade me that 50:50 is good for any child. They aren’t possessions.

TheSerenDipitY · 03/10/2019 01:54

he is trying to get 50/50 to hurt you but also to drop down his CM payments to zero
let him take you to court, no court will make a breastfed baby 50/50, you will have to give him short visitations but no long overnights as long as you keep breastfeeding and with the right judge that can be right up to the age of 2, with the right judge
so keep breastfeeding, even if you hate it, keep breastfeeding, it is your one and only card to play here!
dont agree to anything, offer in writing, via text, every week 2 hour visits each night ( every 2nd/3rd what ever you think is fair) and if he takes you to court you can offer them as evidence as trying to be fair and maintain his relationship with the child, everything in writing, email or text!

Aprillygirl · 03/10/2019 02:05

Where has the third with a childminder come from? I never said that

I meant whoever will have the baby while you are both working.

Original poster

Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 02:09

I work from home 2 days and 1 day in the office (part time now) so on the 1 day I am not at home DD would go to her dads, if it clashed with his work days then my mum would have her

OP posts:

Aprillygirl · 03/10/2019 02:15

Baby would still be passed around between 3 people is my point.

Original poster

Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 02:25

I’m not sure if you’re trying to be helpful or not, my mum may have her on the odd occasion when me and exs shifts clash, could be once a month, and it’s her grandma.
For the record I am agreeing with you in that I don’t want her to be passed around either. I’m just not sure what a court would say

OP posts:

LETW · 03/10/2019 02:25

As far as I understand it, you are the primary care giver, so you know what is best for your baby, and therefore, basically, you call the shots on contact. NHS advises breastfeeding to 2 years of age, in some capacity, so that rules out any idea of your baby being away from you until at least that age. As other people have said, you are the be all and end all of her world, and any length of time away from her is going to cause her distress, which no logical person would want. Let dad visit each evening, or couple of evenings a week to help with/do nappy changes, bath time, story time, and when she’s older, tea time. If dad is still serious about having more contact a couple of years down the line, then it needs to be gradual from couple of hours to days, then nights and supervised to unsupervised. The most common arrangement for dad’s is every other weekend, or what fits in around work, and then a tea time or two contact in between times.
But do remember you control this situation for now, so don’t be bullied into thinking too far into the future yet.

Original poster

Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 02:39

Really glad I posted, wasn’t going to as I thought I may get hounded for not accepting a 50-50 situation. I feel a lot better that most of you have said what I’ve been feeling.
Ex at the moment is coming over every other day for a few hours abd spends time with her whilst I have a bath, relax etc

I suppose I’ll buid this up and when she is perhaps 6 months old he can have her at his house starting at 2 hours and going from there.

I enjoy being DDs entire world right now

OP posts:

Aprillygirl · 03/10/2019 03:05

I am hoping Lindum08 that a court would say that it’d be more beneficial for the child to have a firm base, which should be with you, as her primary carer. Good luck with everything, you deserve it after all the shit you’ve been through lately

YouJustDoYou · 03/10/2019 03:10

Get legal advice get legal advice get legal advice.

Derbee · 03/10/2019 03:43

I agree with PPs. It is too much time for a one year old to spend away from the primary care giver. I seriously doubt a court would suggest a 50:50 split. It’s going to be tough for your ex, but he’ll see that’s what happens when you break up your family - you get less time with your children.

Obviously you need to allow and encourage a good relationship between your DD and her dad. But too much too soon in terms of splitting times/living arrangements will be detrimental to her.

Derbee · 03/10/2019 03:44

Also agree with seeking legal advice, so that you can be confident in the boundaries you set with your ex

HennyPennyHorror · 03/10/2019 04:48

A baby can't live like he wants her to. It's not good for such a young child.

They need consistency. Let him take it to court. MANY Fathers say this after they've screwed up their relationship...it's usually because they're trying to work out ways to avoid paying the Mother anything!

Brush him off. Don't respond...do NOT put anything in writing. Tell him to take you to court. He can have 2 full days per week of taking her to his home...she returns at night. NOT every weekend. You get some of those too.

If he ever attempts to keep hold of her GO AND GET HER BACK IMMEDIATELY

I've seen too many cases recently of Dads refusing to return children and then getting court orders and lying to do so.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 03/10/2019 04:58

I would not let him have her overnight.
My ds is 50/50 ; not my choice and it started when he was 6.
I think under 3 yo, they wouldn’t consider 50/50.
Don’t set any pattern which could be used in his favour in court.

I also agree it’s about money. My ex tried to get full custody so that he could get maintenance from me. ( despite having an affair and walking out)
Some men are ruthless when it comes to separation.

Also read about 4th Trimester and attachment theory.
Your dad needs you, her primary caregiver.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2019 05:11

I agree with everyone else. Breast feed as long as possible. I did it until dd was 2 1/2. He isn’t much of a father if he doesn’t want to provide for his child. The arrangement you have at the moment is working just fine and not good to start overnights at 1.

Pollydocket · 03/10/2019 05:56

Don’t agree to anything.
He won’t get 50/50 if you go to court.
Just stall all decisions until you finish Brest feeding ( 2 years😂)

Honestly I lived with my husband and I couldn’t leave my 18month home alone with daddy, he was totally attached to me. You just can’t predict how your child will be.

I’d suggest a few hours a weeks over a few days. He should have thought about it before he chose to leave the family.

SwanNecking · 03/10/2019 05:58

He has as much right to have his DD 50/50 as you regardless of her age. It is in both your interest to communicate and co parent together rather than go in all guns blazing etc etc.

Pollydocket · 03/10/2019 06:05

Ignore swan, that’s not what the courts or any experts advise.

My children fed to sleep for a good year, hows daddy going to do that?

Babies need stability.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/10/2019 06:16

I'm guessing the only reason he wants 50:50 split is to avoid paying you any maintenance, which is a shit plan.

Don't agree to anything at all now, and then let him take you to court after you've had legal advice.

FlapAttack23 · 03/10/2019 06:20

Talk to gingerbread

Lennonade · 03/10/2019 06:23

*Especially since your ex has chosen to have an affair and move out when your baby is so tiny (what a total wanker he is).

The baby is not a time share which you both own and need to split fairly, she is a tiny person who he has let down quite spectacularly, IMHO, and you need legal advice before you promise anything.*

^this!

I don’t understand this ‘he was a shit husband but he’s still a good dad’ mentality! No. I’m sorry but the two are not mutually exclusive. He has been a terrible, utterly useless father by treating you the way he has. A huge part of a father’s role is to lead by example when it comes to how to treat their mother. So far all he has taught your daughter is that men are shit and will let you down when you need them most. That is NOT being a good father. She doesn’t need that kind of role model in her life (at all as far as I’m concerned) so let him take you to court if he really wants to see her but I wouldn’t be offering him anything. Honestly I absolutely hate this “he’s still her father” business. IMO he gave up that right when he failed her (and you) so spectacularly. He should be grateful for any scraps of contact you deem appropriate to throw his way.

MollyButton · 03/10/2019 06:44

Also Working from Home and Care of a toddler are not compatible, I think you need to re-think this. It is hard fro Work from Home Mum's to really get their work done when they have a totally sealed off space and a Nanny in charge of the children while they work.

GruciusMalfoy · 03/10/2019 06:54

Baby's rights to security/stability take precedent over an adult's wants. 50/50 isn't best for a very young child, and I'd fight that. Like PPs have said, get advice from Gingerbread, see a solicitor. Don't find yourself accidentally setting a contact schedule of almost 50/50 when things are still very fresh and up in the air. You have some time to think carefully about this.

Teachermaths · 03/10/2019 07:00

You can't work from home and have the baby at home. You aren't working I'd you're looking after your child.

PPs are being silly about her being passed around 3 people, plenty of young children go to both sets of grandparents and parents while parents are working.

I think 50 /50 care should be looked at from 2+.

Get legal advice!

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