Baby 50/50 custody

[Lindum08]

I have previously posted about how OH was cheating and I found out the other week (our DD is just over 2 months now)
He has moved out and we are getting along solely for DDs sake.
He keeps going on about 50/50 custody arrangements.
I know it won’t happen now as I’m breastfeeding and DD is still really young.

However I’m absolutely terrified for this, me and DD are inseparable and the thought of it makes me go cold.

I’ve said when she’s 1 and I go back to work he can have-
Week 1: Monday Tuesday Wednesday until 6pm
Week 2: Friday Saturday Sunday until 6pm

He says this is only 2 1/2 days a week and wants exactly 50/50.
I think given the circumstances and DD young age, I’m being reasonable.
What does everyone else think?

Also what are the chances of him successfully getting 50/50 on DD when she is 1 year old? I feel like he will push for it.

Yes loopy but nature and biology shows that a small child needs a primary care giver and usually a mother. Your opinion does not change this fact. So even if they lived together, an 8 week old baby would be needing its mother.

So in this way he is trying to take away an 8 week old baby.

50/50 is not beneficial for a young child and most courts know this and make awards appropriately.

It is also a well known tactic used to get out of paying child maintenance. Already very easy to get out of paying in this country.

Op don't offer anything for in the future, you won't know until you get there. Offer contact now for them to build a bond.

If he wants more than what you offer then let him take you to court. He will find out that you were actually reasonable.

And lennonade I absolutely agree.

@flirtygirl thank you for understanding what I was saying and putting into politically correct words that @Loopydizzylove will hopefully be happy with. I couldn't be bothered to explain it to him/her/them/they.
There's always one 🙄

@Pierrettelasanguinaire absolutely can't believe you've suggested to attempt to give the baby the shits so the dad gets scared off of parental duties. Truly one of the lowest suggestions I've ever seen.

There are so many moving parts here. A lot of previous posters have answered various questions, so I’m just combining your questions and info.

1. Will I have to give 50/50 custody when she’s 1 year old? This is VERY unlikely for several reasons. First, because it’s not in your baby’s best interest and custody decisions are not about the adults - they’re about the child’s best interests. At one, she will still need you as a primary caregiver and courts do not usually want a child of that age to have to carried back and forth constantly. Also, it’s very possible that you will still be breastfeeding at 1 as WHO recommends it until age 2, and no court will likely force any custody arrangements while you are breastfeeding under WHO recommendations.

1. He may be doing this to hurt me. Like PP, I think that it’s more like he’s doing it so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance. Pushing to have 50/50 custody at such a young age when it’s not in the best interest of your baby definitely points to this being a high possibility - that he wants to discharge the possibility of having to pay maintenance as soon as possible. If he’s already acting like this, I would definitely get a lawyer or legal consultation as soon as possible (IF he’s already pressuring you; if not, get one when he is). If you can’t afford a lawyer, try Gingerbread or Child Law Advice for legal aid information. He can still be an involved father seeing your daughter little and often until she’s old enough for overnight visits, which would probably be age 4+.

1. It tears me apart to think of being separated from her. Please don’t focus on this right now. You are going through SO much at the moment; you’ve caught your OH cheating, you’ve had to move, you’re suddenly raising your baby alone, and it’s a ton to take in. Yes, you may have to share custody at some point, but that will hopefully be years in the future, and after the pain of the current situation has had some time to fade.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time, but do not let him pressure you into being separated from your daughter before you’re ready or if you don’t want to be. At this age, right now, I would say it’s too young for even a few hours yet if you’re breastfeeding. Just try to be fair about allowing him to come visit her at your place so he can’t say you’re denying access or being unreasonable, and everything should be fine. Good luck, OP I hope everything gets better for you

I think YABVU OP. You are focused entirely on what YOU want, but with no thought for your ex and your DD. She has just as much right to spend time with him as with you, and if you don't at least make an effort to do 50/50 she may really hold it against you when she gets older.

I think all this focus on her only spending time with her primary care giver is nonsense, once she isn't exclusively breastfed and attached to you 24/7 the child couldn't care less if it is you looking after her or your ex, babies and toddlers are far more resilient than people on MN make out.

If your DD was 5 and you were fighting 50-50 it would be unreasonable but your DD needs you right now as primary caregiver and main food source. I'd take legal advice and make it abundantly clear to your ex that while you appreciate his role as dad and are happy to eventually work up to 50-50 right now it's not feasible because of her age and the feeding situation. I agree with PPs it's likely cos of money or control and that he dsnt want to have to take care of such a young baby alone

Google searches seem to show that 1 is a bit young for a 50 50 split. Especially if you keep breastfeeding (you can still do this if youre working). I think they prefer children to spend the majority of the time with the primary carer til they're 2 and old enough for sleepovers, and then it can increase gradually over quite a few months.

If I was you I would -

• plan to keep breastfeeding as long as possible. If your ex is going to play dirty it might be good to have this up your sleeve.
• get legal advice. This situation wont be uncommon and I think they normally follow cafcass advice so there will be some kind of 'standard's to follow that will be tweaked for your situation
• never say never. Don't ever say n mediation or anything that you will miss your daughter, concentrate on what's best for her. Say you are happy to work on a 50 50 split by the time she is school age but she is much more attached to you and it will be to her detriment to spend any more than a morning and afternoon away from you at a time until she is old enough to understand eg between 2 and 3 and you're happy to review it when she is older and gradually increase overnights when you feel she is ready

It will depend on the child as well. My daughter never slept anywhere else until she was over 2.5, she just would not sleep even if we were there, or not there, or if her normal routine was followed anything. When she got to 2.5 she suddenly was fine

......once she isn't exclusively breastfed and attached to you 24/7 the child couldn't care less if it is you looking after her or your ex, babies and toddlers are far more resilient than people on MN make out.

That’s rubbish in my opinion. My husband is an AMAZING dad to our children (aged 5 and 2) and they love him very much.... but, given the choice they would always choose to be with me over him.

That’s no reflection on him as a parent all, like I said, he’s fantastic, it’s just that I believe babies, infant, toddlers and young children have a bond/attachment to their mothers that they don’t have with their fathers. It may not be a very PC thing to say but it’s my belief.

@Queenofmyprincess

And I can make an argument for the exact opposite, in our house it has always been dad that is sought out when they are stressed/crying/need something.

I refuse to believe there is this innate bond that is stronger between mum and baby, which frankly sets back any talk of equality that women claim to strive for.

I believe children that young arent as attached to their father because they usually dont see their fathers often enough (because they arent as involved because ... mothers know best and that's who children want to see etc... can you see it is such a fulfilling prophecy?)

I mean if that was so bad/hard for a 2yo to spend two days with their father, how on earth do children cope with being at nursery/CM 5 full days a week?

Doesnt really change the situation for the OP though.
At 2 months old and bfed, this baby shouldnt be apart from his mum for very long if at all.
Anything that ahppens later should be decided later when bth the OP and the father as well as the child have settled down more into their routine (I suspect the dad wont be as keen on 50/50 in 2 years time)

PPs are being silly about her being passed around 3 people, plenty of young children go to both sets of grandparents and parents while parents are working.

Yes, but these children have a familiar base that they go home to to rest their wee heads at night.

ChilledBee "I'm sorry but why does Dad need supervised contact?"

Maybe he does need supervised contact, we do not know.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted "It may not happen now but it will most likely happen in the future and you'll need to prepare for that"

Do you know a lot of divorced or separated couples where dad has 50/50 contact? I don;t know any. So I am not sure you can suggest it will most likely happen, it might happen, but presumably if it is the child's best interests.

"...if he's a good dad then he should be entitled to 50/50" But only if it is the best interests of the child.

Look at the example of the friend of QueenofmyPrinces above. He had certain times to spend with his child but actually doesn't even seem able to keep to those limited times.

Of course dads (good dads) should see their children and have contact/responsibility/parenting etc but assuming dads will want or be able to keep up with 50/50 does not seem right.

amyboo "I live in a country where 50/50 is the norm except for exceptional circumstances such as mental health issues or safety concerns." interested to know which country that is (if you can say without outing yourself) and wonder how that works out. Do dads all step up to 50/50 parenting once they have the chance to do it? How do kids feel with lives split evenly between two places? just curious.

"I can understand that it must be horrific for you to think of being separated from your DD, but perhaps her Dad feels the same? He's as much her parent as you are." If he felt the same would he really have set off with a new partner when his baby was 2 months old? Never heard of a woman doing this. Not sure a man who can do this is a shinning example of a dad TBH.

I’ve nothing to add about custody as you sound like you’re trying very hard to be reasonable, which is incredible under the circumstances, so I expect you’ll manage to get things worked out. What an absolute wanker he is to do this to you when the baby is so tiny. Glad to hear you’re still enjoying being a new mum and keep your lovely attitude

loop I am not sure this is true "you're lucky your xdp wants to be involved, embrace it",

I'd say the OP is very unlikely her partner has acted like a prize shit.

Yes, he is still a parent and yes it takes 2 people to make a baby but one has already put in considerably more effort the other one, who has fucked off and done his own thing (not very 'parenting-minded' in my book).

He doesn't want to pay child maintenance!

@Italiangreyhound

Several people have spoken as if he should have supervised visits by default.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted

"I suspect that his motivation for wanting this is so that he will not have to pay any child maintenance to you

Why must MN always paint men in a bad light"

Just to clarify, he has cheated on his partner and left her with their 2 month old baby, which she has grown in her body and had the (I am guessing) pretty painful experience of birthing. The pregnancy takes a massivle toll on a woman's body (my C-section scar is still sensitive and I still have a problem knee from pregnancy and my 'baby' is almost 15) and he has just had an affair and left her.

It is not mumsnet painting men in a bad light, it is men painting themselves in a bad light.

ChilledBee my question to the OP would be what experience her ex had had looking after a tiny baby.

If he has very little experience with babies and little with his own then she may need to be present at first to ensure he does know what he is doing. My guess on supervised would be that kind of 'supervision' not supervised in a contact centre. but I did not bring it up so I am not suggesting it needs to be the case.

I think whilst she is young he should get to see her 50/50. Even though she's unable to stay overnight yet and I agree it's a lot to be away from their mother at a young age, but I don't see any reason why he can't take her to a coffee shop/relatives for an hour a day with a bottle of expressed milk just in case?

loop I know you said you did not see your father much and that is why you think it is good this dad wants to be involved and I am not dismissing that. but I do think this father in this situation has already proved himself to be much, much less concerned with himself than with his child. Which does make posters suspicious of his motives. It doesn't mean we are suspicious of all dads.

refuse to believe there is this innate bond that is stronger between mum and baby, which frankly sets back any talk of equality that women claim to strive for.

Just because babies/infants/young children usually have a stronger attachment to their mother, does not mean women aren’t equal to men, does it?

Why is everyone saying it's because he doesn't want to pay maintenance? My partner has his children 3 days one week and 4 the next and still pays maintenance because he wants to see his kids. Why is that so absurd?

'had an affair and left her' - sorry I said that twice in my comment, meant to only say it once!

I still think it is very significant. The OP is facing those multiple issues all at once, thanks to him!

What makes OP an expert on babies?

My husband comes from a culture where siblings do a lot of childcare. Barely teenage boys can change nappies and feed babies from correctly sterilised bottles. He had far more hands on experience with babies than I had because although I had DNs, I probably changed a nappy once or twice for a laugh rather than because I needed to provide childcare like he was for his siblings and cousins. So should my husband have insisted on supervised access to my babies with me?

Next time my five month old is crying in her loving father's arms because she wants me, I will tell her to be more resilient.