Baby 50/50 custody

[Lindum08]

I have previously posted about how OH was cheating and I found out the other week (our DD is just over 2 months now)
He has moved out and we are getting along solely for DDs sake.
He keeps going on about 50/50 custody arrangements.
I know it won’t happen now as I’m breastfeeding and DD is still really young.

However I’m absolutely terrified for this, me and DD are inseparable and the thought of it makes me go cold.

I’ve said when she’s 1 and I go back to work he can have-
Week 1: Monday Tuesday Wednesday until 6pm
Week 2: Friday Saturday Sunday until 6pm

He says this is only 2 1/2 days a week and wants exactly 50/50.
I think given the circumstances and DD young age, I’m being reasonable.
What does everyone else think?

Also what are the chances of him successfully getting 50/50 on DD when she is 1 year old? I feel like he will push for it.

50/50 is not in a baby's best interest. At all. Children that young need a stable environment and that includes one primary home. Your agreement is more suitable for. 12yr old.

A 1yr old should be at home every night and daily contact but overnights considered eow from around 4-5yrs old.

If you do your plan there is a risk your daughter will have attachment issues as she grows up and a poor attachment style.

Don’t agree with anything yet with him.
Go and see a lawyer first and foremost and see what is seen as acceptable or not by the Courts.

And yes I also agree about trying to see what IS actually behind his decision to DEMAND 50/50.
Because a man who is so keen on his child and can’t bear to be separated from them is also one that wouldn’t cheat and take the risk of loosing his family!

On a practical note, please do not agree with different day on different week. How will you organise childcare if the days are never the same? You’ll struggle to find a CM or nursery happy to have him on certains one week and other the next. Of course, he clearly expects to heavily rely on his parents to fill the gap....

I'm sorry but why does Dad need supervised contact? I'd go fucking crazy if someone said I needed supervised contact with my child just because I broke up with their parent.

FWIW, I also disagree about no EOW before the child is 4/5yo etc....
However, I also wouldn’t want to make plans for what happens in 2 years time.

He has already proven he wouldn’t put his family and child first when he had an affair. I’m going to assume that in two years time, he will have a new partner.or will want to date/have his own life. And I’m not sure how his child will fit into his life.
He might well be a devoted father. Or he might do the same and put himself first. Or he might ant to avoid paying CM etc...

Don’t rush. Agree on something for now (which is NOT 50/50 more like a few hours there and then at least until your baby is weaned) and then review arrangements in a year, two etc....

I agree sort of about 50/50 but not entirely but supervised contact is fucking outrageous

The WHO recommends breastfeeding until 2 years old. I continued to breastfeed morning and evening after the end of my maternity leave. If this is what you choose to do then access arrangements must fit in around your daughter's breastfeeding needs. She will have a lot to get used to when she starts nursery. Don't feel pressurised and say you can discuss it nearer the time. She is still a small baby.

If he left when your baby was only 2 months old it sounds like he was trying to opt out of the worst bit of being a parent. It is astonishing that he left just at the worst point for sleepless nights. At the moment he gets all the benefits of having a baby but none of the stress.

It sounds like he is talking about 50:50 to hurt you and the fact that you have such a young baby together means that you are having to spend more time with an ex than you would otherwise. That must be stressful. Has he been unkind to you in other ways?

Infants and young children shouldn’t be 50:50, they should be with their primary career.

My children are 5 and 2 and there is no way they would cope with regularly being away from me for half a week - especially the 2 year old.

I’m sure it has been proven over and over again that what is best for the child is a stable home, a secure base and being with their primary career.

My friend went through a break up where the father demanded 50:50 of their 4 year old. My friend said no way and so he took it to the court.

The judge allowed him every Tuesday after school until 7pm, and then every Friday night from 5pm, sleeping over and back by midday on the Saturday.

Funnily enough after a few months he stopped being so bothered and although he would pick their daughter up from school on the Tuesday he would drop her back at 5pm as opposed to the 7pm.

And regarding the overnights....he probably has her one Friday out of the three he should be having her.

He doesn’t have any contact in the week to ask after her either, I.e he doesn’t phone or text my friend to ask after their little girl, or ask to speak to her on the phone etc.

The little girl is completely unbothered about her dad and there is no real attachment there. In fact the girl will only have a sleepover if the sleepover is at the grandma’s house (paternal grandma).

Funnily enough his interest in his daughter and adherence to the Court’s ruling started to wane when he met another woman. He now lives with that woman I think he sees his daughter as just an inconvenience.

OP: men threaten a lot of things and it’s purely to scare the mother. Ignore him and get legal advice, there is no way he will get 50/50 and I’m sure that even if he does (when the child is a lot older) he will soon tire of the responsibility and impact on his life.

Just enjoy your baby, put his empty threats to the back of your head and don’t let him think he’s upsetting you, because that’s the only thing that this is about.

I was in similar position child under two (19 months) not breast fed. Saw a family solicitor, she informed me in her experience not awarded in under 2 years old because of age of child. I think the feeling on separate parents regarding non resident parent is little and often . Contact had to be in the interest of the child not parent. Let him have see child little and often do not agree to overnights sort your self out don’t make long term arrangements. To be honest he will be living the single life no responsibilities being at home with mum , you know I expect most of the care if he had baby there would be done by her!
At this current time just breathe relax come to terms with your changes that have happened put yourself first (baby will be good fine as long as you are) like others have said he is trying to hurt you even though you are the innocent not to blame party.

He is her father and I can't see any reason why he shouldn't have a 50:50 arrangement with you

Because....psychology? There is way more to co-parenting a small child than what’s fair from an adult point of view.

OP - my third was born after my ex had walked out. He dragged us through court for 50/50 and ended up with less contact than I had agreed with him. Your child is very young and research is on your side. Although my particular CAFCASS Officer was not amused by the extended breastfeeding - be careful how you use it as an argument to stop overnights.

I do not believe that 50/50 is in a child's best interests in the majority of cases, especially not with a baby.

Exh agrees with me. We are divorced. I am the RP and exh has overnights and some weekends (DS is 6). This has been the arrangement since DS was 10 months old.

We think that DS needs one "main" base for stability. I think that spending half the week at one house then half the week at the other can be a bit stressful for children, constantly moving about.

It makes sense for me to be the RP as I work school hours whereas ex works shifts, also I live within walking distance from school and ex lives a 20 minute drive away.

Definitely get legal advice. I bet he wouldn't end up wanting 50/50 anyway once he sees how much work is involved. My ex was happy not to do 50/50!

It may not happen now but it will most likely happen in the future and you'll need to prepare for that

You and DD are currently inseparable because she's so young. That WILL change and no matter what her father has done to you if he's a good dad then he should be entitled to 50/50

I just think particularly in her early years, DD needs to be close to her mum.

I also don't agree with this statement. Just because your her mother doesn't make you more of a parent and more entitled to her time (biologically you are at the moment only because you are breastfeeding). Once she is weaned biologically being her mother doesn't make you a better parent
If anything you need to support establishing a good relationship with the father in her early years otherwise she will never really know him

I live in a country where 50/50 is the norm except for exceptional circumstances such as mental health issues or safety concerns. I can understand that it must be horrific for you to think of being separated from your DD, but perhaps her Dad feels the same? He's as much her parent as you are.

Ex works 16 hours pw and lives with his mother. Meanwhile you are parenting your child.

Is it his Mum pushing him for the increased contact - in her interests - I wonder?

It's something that will be built up over time but unless there's a good reason otherwise he will be awarded 50/50 once preschool age. I would suggest for now stay getting along with him and once breastfeeding ends start with longer visits building up to overnight, then working towards 50/50 around 3-4 years old but take the lead from your dd

'He has as much right to have his DD 50/50 as you regardless of her age'.

I don't know why people make statements like this on subjects they obviously don't know about/understand.

Have you come to an agreement about him paying child maintenance?

I suspect that his motivation for wanting this is so that he will not have to pay any child maintenance to you. Don’t agree to anything. Get some decent legal advice and keep telling him that it is about your child’s best interests and not his.

All of the 'let him see her little and often' and 'a couple of hours a week' is actually rather infuriating for me. It takes 2 people to make a baby, and that child is not owned, not a possession.. He has as much right as you do to see his daughter whenever he wants, she is a joint responsibility, not a pet. I understand that your breastfeeding, but waiting until your daughter is 2 and becoming aware of situations doesn't sound ideal to me. One minute she's used to being with you all the time and then shoved off to her dad's in what could be a hugely unsettling situation for her. If it was me I'd go for the 50/50, take this from someone who's biological father was not interested in any way shape or form, you're lucky your xdp wants to be involved, embrace it

According to child law website (can't remember what the actual site is called) contact is actually for the child's benefit not the parents. It states that as long as the parent is giving a reasonable amount of contact to the other parent then legally thats fine... it also goes on to say that no one can prove what is a 'reasonable' amount of time. Me and my Ex split when baby was 6months and there's no way still i would be letting him have 50:50 contact. I don't believe it's beneficial to the child to be away from mum or the home he is used to, just so the dads can be disney dads... most dads dont want the 50:50 they just want to cause issues.

I suspect that his motivation for wanting this is so that he will not have to pay any child maintenance to you

Why must MN always paint men in a bad light

Perhaps his motivation is wanting to co parent THEIR child on an equal basis

And yeah if time is split 50/50 why should she be entitled to maintenance

I remember your other post OP.

I would have thought he doesn’t stand a chance of getting 50/50 custody over a child so young, let him take it to court, you will have to go to mediation first (do not back down and give him what he wants). It’s not often a father will get the 50/50 contact through court, mainly due to what they see as the best interests for the child, the fact the father does not have a room for the child and the fact the child’s so young. Most court cases end with the father getting every other weekend with the child and one day/evening during the week but this would be for a older child (not a young baby).

He just doesn't want to pay maintenance. If he has 50:50 he won't have to pay anything. But it will be his parents looking after her and your DD will be sleeping where, exactly, for half of her life? On a bed on the floor in his room? No. Until he has set himself up to accommodate her 50:50, and your DD is ready for that amount of time away from her mum, then no! Just no!
Stop talking about these things with him. Don't put anything in writing. Talk, by all means, about the everyday things (what she's had for lunch) but don't talk about things that will change your future and your DD's life, without a judge and a lawyer present.
Stop being so nice. He fucked your over with Anne or whatever her name was. Has shown zero remorse and ALREADY is talking about taking your 8 week old baby away from you?!?!?!
Entitled prick needs a wake up call. And you need to grow a pair honey!!!! (Meant in the nicest way possible!!!!) xxx

is talking about taking your 8 week old baby away from you?!?

Just to correct..... Its their baby, his and hers..... As mentioned earlier a baby is not owned by anyone, not a possession, not property.... A child which Two beople are Jointly responsible for

I think little ones need a bit more routine than older children.

I know from experience that breastfed babies are more attached to Mum for a longer period of time. They see Mums as their comfort as well as care giver if that makes sense?
I don't think it would be beneficial for him to have a 50/50 split. How will he work anyway? Does this bring someone else into the equation to look after your child? I think you need to seek advice on this.
He's her Dad and has a right to see her but the way it's done must be in the best interest of the child.