Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that no jury in the land would convict me

162 replies

TreacherousPissFlap · 02/10/2019 20:50

If DH "accidentally" got smothered by his own pillow?

DH is Extremely Sick. We all know DH is Extremely Sick because he's told us Hmm

I have grudgingly conceded that he probably hasn't done it, on my one day off alone in the house since early July, on purpose. However my patience was already extremely worn when the thin, reedy voice started, thinner still when he was so fatally weakened that (on his only foray downstairs) he was unable to lift his feet properly and made that schlep, schlep, schlep noise with his slippers.

Now the Extremely Sick arm has started, that sort of vague flapping action in the vague direction of a proffered cup

Thankfully he's taken offence at my lack of sympathy and schlep, schlep, schlepped back off to bed (irrational tizzy's are a well known side effect of DH being Extremely Sick) I feel rather mournful that we're at this stage already and it's only October - we have the whole winter to get through yet

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 02/10/2019 23:45

thenightsky l call that sound the footsteps of doom when my Mil follows me everywhere in her house to see what lm doing, she's not very mobile and she'll ask me to make her a cup of tea or go upstairs get her something, then give it ten seconds and l hear that schlep schlep schlep of her coming upstairs or into the kitchen to see what lm doing or to 'help me' find whatever it is. No idea why but it really pisses me off, l can now feel the hairs on back of my neck go up on hearing this approaching sound.

OwlBeThere · 02/10/2019 23:45

@LoisWilkersonsLastNerve yeah my ex refused to ever take a painkiller or antibiotics because ‘they don’t do anything’ so he’d slope about rough as fuck going to work when he shouldn’t and thereby prolonging —my— his agony unnecessarily. Infuriating man!!

Gotnopokerface · 02/10/2019 23:46

Name change for this. Years ago I treated a man who flew his whole family home early from a holiday as he was so unwell. Straight to hospital from the plane.

With the common cold

Which 2 of his kids also had but he didn't see the connection.

Bahhhhhumbug · 02/10/2019 23:47

I mean why fecking ask me to do it in the first place, just leave me to it... grrrr

DoingWhatWorks · 02/10/2019 23:47

6% think YABU. 😂
Get him the flu jab. Tell him there's a special strain this year for 'Man flu' not really but there should be

Gotnopokerface · 02/10/2019 23:48

By treat I mean I sent him home to drink water, have a sleep, and plot how he was doing to stop his wife from using her pillow in a similar fashion to you OP 😂😂😂

BanKittenHeels · 02/10/2019 23:49

Not guilty.

pigsDOfly · 03/10/2019 00:01

I always tried to be sympathetic when my exh was unwell but when he announced to me, after having an angioplasty, 'the pain was terrible, you couldn't have borne it', I must admit to having fantasies involving dead bodies and patios.

Yes love, those three babies just popped themselves out.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 03/10/2019 00:04

Klaxons go off when DP announces He Feels Quite Sick really. This cues usually about 48 hours of over exaggerated sighing. A sudden terribly debilitating episode of forgetfulness of any household task, an ostentatious attempt to fall asleep on the sofa in my eyeline so I fully understand how sick he really is and a running explanation of why he may need to run to the loo ( but never actually does).

Weirdly he actually does power through the actual cold but the Feeling Really Quite Sick gets him perilously close to the new patio every time.

The weakened voice (Bob only knows why an upset stomach affects the vocal cords? Studies must be done )

The quavering sighs...rivals a Jane Austen character

And the loudly announced (repeatedly) need for an early night but the mild groaning every time he turns over Hmm

In fairness he has got a dressing gown of doom but its doom like all the time not just during mystery illnesses (bloody thing is a health hazard) and his current claim is that the doom gown is permanently necessary as the dog likes to cuddle him in it Hmm. In a beautiful quirk of fate as he said this we both looked at the dog who was licking parts of herself that did not support his case that her taste in anything at all should be relied on.

She got a treat for that unintentional backup.

Oh bloody hell the pained groaning on turing over has started up again..only 24 hours until his possible death (and cremation with his dressing gown on a viking ship in the local duck pond) becomes less likely

In short OP you have my absolute sympathy (and offer of an alibi ) Grin

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/10/2019 00:05

DH has a variant on the schlep schlep invalid shuffle. Each step is marked by an apparently involuntary gasp of pain.

Schlep - argh- schlep-argh...

That might have resulted in just a bit of Micky taking!

It’s strange because he is very resilient when it comes to bumps and scrapes - its colds and flu that brings out the invalid.

Oh and if you haven’t got a raging sore throat it’s probably just a cold DH. Calling it flu doesn’t make it flu.

VanGoghsDog · 03/10/2019 00:07

I've had a fairly trying cold. Luckily I'm not working at the moment.

Dp has variously "felt a bit of a chill", been "feeling really run down now", "probably got what you've got", "getting a cold", "flu-ish", "got the shivers" etc etc

Between which, despite me coughing my guts up, he asks me how my cold is in a reedy voice. I say "the same, I'll keep you updated with any changes if you like" and he then complains I'm too independent and don't want to be looked after ("no darling, you wouldn't want to catch it now would you?").

Yawn.

VanGoghsDog · 03/10/2019 00:09

Oh god, and I've just remembered....

I came into the bedroom and he was already in bed. Breathing in a slightly gaspy way. I said why are you making that noise?

What noise?

That noise with your breathing?

I think I'm getting a cold.

Just stop it and breath normally.

....which he then did. I mean, what was that about? He's a 60 year old grown ass adult!

OwlBeThere · 03/10/2019 00:13

@Gotnopokerface ShockShockShock
I hope she gave him a good funeral.

AlunWynsKnee · 03/10/2019 00:21

Oh your DHs haven't really been ill. They need some perspective. My DH was properly ill. Seriously ill and very brave.
He used three hankies.
In one day.
Three hankies.

LemonPrism · 03/10/2019 00:25

@Bowerbird5 hope your daughter goes for her smear tests...

ReanimatedSGB · 03/10/2019 00:40

I'm single but DS has Dying Swan tendencies. 'Muuuum, i don't feel very wellll' so I would ring the school and say he was a bit offcolour so better safe than sorry... and within an hour he'd be well enough to be watching CBBC and baying for snacks.
I got tired of it so started making him a cuppa and chasing him out of the door... Only to get phoned by the school to say he had puked or passed out and had to come home.

sniffsneeze · 03/10/2019 00:55

@zep mine too. Whilst watching the monitor during my contractions 'that one wasn't that bad'. Angry

He rarely gets sick but has been having a really bad run of it. To the point of having a fever and his whole side of the bed being drenched. Poor bugger

AnotherQuirkyUsername · 03/10/2019 01:08

The slipper schelp , dear lord there's nothing that makes me want to kill him more , well , except maybe that voice! He could break his leg but somehow his voice would be quiet , croaky and weak. He mopes about the house scuffing his slippers with every step and sniffling whilst talking in that voice.

I can tell when the man flu is coming because I get an hourly run down of each symptom. He tells me I'm cruel because I don't care but I really don't , sorry come back to me when you've pushed a massive baby out of your body. Drink a
lemsip and get bloody on with it Hmm

AGnu · 03/10/2019 01:11

My DH is the quiet martyr type - if he can physically stand, he'll go to work. I can count the number of sick days he's taken in the last 15 years on one hand. In fact, I can only recall one occasion when he took a day or 2 off. He later commented that he'd had some itchy spots on his hands/feet when he was ill. He was also using a lot of Bonjela. Pretty sure he had hand, foot & mouth... & I had to insist he stayed home. He only agreed because I made him take his temp which was well over 38°C.

That was back before he had a work laptop & the ability to WFH. Nowadays, he'll drive into work, collect his laptop & work from home so I can't insist he rests & use infecting his colleagues as an excuse to get him to stay put.

It's even more annoying when I or the DC have it too. Our DC are home educated. I don't get to take sick leave but he could & if he did then we could both take it in turns to rest or take care of the DC. Instead, he sits there sniffling & popping pills & taking decongestants that I'm not allowed because I'm breastfeeding & I'm busy chasing the DC around telling them to cough/vomit more quietly because daddy's trying to concentrate on his work.

Yay, winter. Hmm

MissConductUS · 03/10/2019 01:52

My DH has the wool socks of acute morbidity. But he doesn't moan about it and still does the cooking.

DemiGorgon · 03/10/2019 02:10

I had flu earlier in the year, 2 days in, I had to get up and drive the kids around, because they cannot get to school on their own. Then I did nothing til pick up as I was too exhausted.
DH came down with it 3 days after me. He told work he would be off for 'at least 2 weeks'. I was deciding whether to book a holiday or an assassin. He spent 72 hours in bed then complained of being dizzy when he eventually stood up. (really after laying down for 72 hours straight??)

Geez those 10 days were the longest in living memory. I had to get back on top of things by day 5, as we would have all starved to death. He just laid in bed/staggered to the sofa while the world carried on. And the rank hoody of death was worn for the whole time. I washed it on its own for fear of it breaking the washing machine.

PhilCornwall1 · 03/10/2019 05:27

I'm a bloke and if I was on the jury, I'd offer to smother him again for you!

I don't understand why some men are like this, I really don't.

Man bash away on this one ladies, I'm with you all the way!!

Ce7913 · 03/10/2019 05:42

Oh, my ex did the voice and the arm thing with the slightest of sniffles. Ugh.

I really knew I was in for tedium though once he proceeded to the exaggeratedly slow head turn stage.

You know, when you ask them something and after at least a ten second delay they sloooooooowly turn their poor, poor aching head to face you, with the glazed, half-lidded eyes because they're just soo groggy from The Illness? Occasionally throwing in a double blink as if you're out of focus for good measure?

Then his 'Ms' would turned into 'Bs' and his 'Ns' to 'Ds' in a super overdone way, a dread affliction that miraculously disappeared if he took a call from a client or one of his friends.

Odd, that.

Ce7913 · 03/10/2019 05:43

*But reappeared if he took a call from his Mummy.

Original poster
TreacherousPissFlap · 03/10/2019 06:51

UPDATE!!
He's clung on through the night, but he coughed on at least 5 occasions.

We too had the orca like display of flopping and writhing, amazing for a man without the physical strength to lift his fucking slippers off the floor properly.

I have a training day today so at least I will be spared another day of tragic sighing, though I fear when I'm off tomorrow it will be "better if I take the rest of the week off to recover fully"

OP posts: