To think that no jury in the land would convict me

[TreacherousPissFlap]

If DH "accidentally" got smothered by his own pillow?

DH is Extremely Sick. We all know DH is Extremely Sick because he's told us

I have grudgingly conceded that he probably hasn't done it, on my one day off alone in the house since early July, on purpose. However my patience was already extremely worn when the thin, reedy voice started, thinner still when he was so fatally weakened that (on his only foray downstairs) he was unable to lift his feet properly and made that schlep, schlep, schlep noise with his slippers.

Now the Extremely Sick arm has started, that sort of vague flapping action in the vague direction of a proffered cup

Thankfully he's taken offence at my lack of sympathy and schlep, schlep, schlepped back off to bed (irrational tizzy's are a well known side effect of DH being Extremely Sick) I feel rather mournful that we're at this stage already and it's only October - we have the whole winter to get through yet

I am trying not to burst into giggles as I lie here breastfeeding our baby whilst Dh sleeps with his head under the pillow. He is apparently Very Ill. Mysteriously this has not stopped him attending social events that have meant he hasn’t been home for bedtime the last 4 days. But he has been far too unwell to participate much in family life or get up in the night with the kids. And his little cough is straight out of
Zoolander (I think I’ve got the black lung, pop).

No jury would convict.

NewMe2019 I’m afraid yes, there is something seriously wrong with your DP, unless DP is a woman.

Has he requested soup yet? DH can ONLY manage soup when he has the slightest sniffle. Oh and he can only drink Lemsip and not the supermarket version either, it has to be Lemsip of it won’t work 🤨

It's the small voice asking 'Shall I take some tablets?'

Me, 'if you like'

Him, 'Which ones?'

Me, 'The ones you always take'

Him, 'Where are they?'

Me, 'Where they always are'

Him, 'Sob, just tell me'.

Having a brother and a grandmother who would get ill if the weather changed I am more than willing to give you an alibi.

We used to give them vague symptoms to see what they would aome down with the following week.

On the other hand I have a DH who doesnt do ill. The last time he saw a doctor was june 2006. This I remember as I had got up to sort out both DD's as one was due to nursery and he asked if I could drive hime to his next work job as his leg was a bit difficult to bend. It was swollen from the hip to the toes. I suggested he went to A&E as he was shivering, sweating and a weird green/grey/white colour. Ended up with a neighbour taking charge of both girls and me about 7 weeks pregnant trying to haul a man into a car while telling him forcefully what I thought of his idea of goong to work and throwing up into my HG bucket. I rang the office to explain why he would not be in and his manager was telling him the same as me, tho probably not with as many colourful words.

Ended up with an infection in his knee and about a month of antibiotics.

I feel every ounce of your pain! Mine was sick once 4days ago.. very dramatic woke the whole house because he can’t puke without sounding like hes being murdered in a cheap horror movie.. he is still determined that he must’ve been poisoned by the takeaway and claims he’ll never get from there again. We ate the same thing actually halved it so from the same portion and I am miraculously immune to this one puke salmonella.

He couldnt grasp that he felt lightheaded cause he hadn’t eaten in 12hours since vomiting despite walking 3miles at a brisk pace.. I later discovered he hadn’t even had a feckin drink of water.

His best act was talking about how he hoped I didn’t go into labour over night as he’d be too tired.. Dunno who was coming out his vag.. and then whingeing that labour “couldn’t be that bad” and those on one born every minute are acting up because I wasn’t screaming like a stuck pig. DM did try to remind him that I tend to go inward/quiet when I’m in pain, ya know she’s seen me break bones.. she’s a good judge, he’s seen one born every minute therefore is a trained midwife

Brilliant thread!

My DH has recently taken up beekeeping. He has been stung a couple of times. He doesn't react any worse than any other non allergic mortal, but I have to inspect the site of the sting regularly (I don't have a choice, the pathology is thrust under my nose with a, "Do you think that's looking redder?") He also took himself to the pharmacy and came home loaded with lotions and antihistamines on the advice of the pharmacist (I bet it was a man), and actually got himself an emergency appointment with our GP.

For a bee sting.

I nearly cured it for him by removing the offending limb at the nearest joint and clobbering him with it.

I also have the opposite kind of husband.

My DH insisted he was well enough to go to work 3 days after cancer surgery on his neck, even though he had an undressed 10 inch wound that would have put Frankenstein's monster to shame. And so off he went much to his colleagues' horror who all had to look at it.

My bloke is well 'ard

My ex was dreadful for this. The low point was when he announced that he thought he had Ebola (he had a cold). Apparently he wasn't being ridiculous because there are some west African students at the University he works at. 😂

The thing that nearly drove me to homicide was that I could never be ill without him being ill-er. To the point where I could never give any indication that I was in pain (from the inflammatory arthritis that I have, and for which the GP/rheumatologist were quite happy to put tramadol on repeat prescription) without him starting to look pathetic and go 'ow, ow' about some utterly imagined bullshit that was clearly much worse than my arthritis. The arsehole.

In contrast my DP refuses to get ill. He will do anything to avoid accepting that he is, in fact, sick. He had a lot of stress that resulted in him having a series of really horrible infections but he insisted on carrying on as normal. I had to persuade him that going to work with a really high fever (the kind that shows up on thermometers, not the magic thermometer eluding man flu ones) was a bad idea. It's remarkable quite how much he's willing to try out-will-powering a virus or bacterial infection.

Are you married to my husband too? He's the biggest man flu baby going!! He also sponges off the kids, if someone had a sniffle he's straight to 'Oh god I better not go to work tomorrow incase I spread the germs round the office, I know I'll catch it or if not I will at least carry the germs with me' and then hibernate for the night making noises like a wounded animal.

I’ve had migraines since I was in my teens. I’ve managed to reduce their frequency by changes to my lifestyle but they’re still bloody debilitating for me. Amazingly, DH has caught migraines from me His last a few hours without treatment and go when he takes a couple of paracetamol. Wish mine did.

A few years ago I bought him this book for Christmas. He didn’t find it funny. His family found it hilarious

My partner and I have both been ill with a rotten cold all week (which, to be fair, is horrible) .. yet somehow he's in "ill mode" either on the sofa or in bed, yet I'm still doing everything that needs to be done for DSS! It's as if I've not even got it!

I think I may be the man in our marriage.

Dh just soldiers on. I spend half my time thinking I have a sore throat/ head and if I hear anyone has vomited spend the rest of the day convinced I’m about to.

I haven’t had a day off sick in more than three years and I almost never take painkillers though...oh wait...

I have a son that had to go to the DR it turned out it was a hernia. The doctor asked when he was last at the doctors. DS2 said ah I think I was about 11 or 12. The doctor couldn't believe it DS2 is 39! He rang and asked me and I said before you left home? About 11 or 12 so he was right. His elder brother is there a lot more often due to asthma but DS2 hardly gets a cold and he works in a very public place like about a thousand people a day. DS3 isn''t too bad and DD hasn't been to the doctor since her A levels except to get jabs for travelling. They were not that healthy as younger children.

After three children, one a EM CS and very poorly, one a difficult delivery and one a retained placenta and ten years of marriage DH had a hernia operation. I went to visit and as someone had nicked the visitors chair I carefully sat on the edge of the bed. Oh the agony! This is the man that wanted me to unpack the boxes after I had nearly died having DS1 had a botched CS and been in hospital for weeks and could hardly walk. We had just moved in. He had done nothing while I had been away because "he didn't know where to put them."
I brought up my sons to be stronger men.

Oh god we get the 'I'm getting ill' routine when one of the children has a cold or something

Oh, yes, that's DH. In that hopeful voice. See also: "Is it cold/hot, or is it just me?" Usually followed by me saying "Of course it's not just you, it's sodding 30 degrees in the shade/there's a thick frost outside", much to his disappointment.

I've also just remember a former employer who told us all that he had glandular fever. He wouldn't go to the doctor to get it confirmed or have any treatment, but we all knew the reason was that he'd heard he'd have to have a blood test and he was scared of that. Fortunately he made a miraculously click recovery from his glandular fever, it's a shame really that for medical science that he couldn't tell us how he'd achieved it.

We have a Hoody of Doom and, for slightly worse than man-flu-type-maladies there is the Blanket of Certain Death. Amazing how quickly these husbands can recover when something crops up that they WANT to do.
When I'm feeling crap, I just want to be left alone so I "do as I would be done by" and steer well clear for at least 3 days.
I hope the "widow-maker" cold disappears soon, OP

Are you up for one of those double jeopardy type of agreements OP? I'll pm you my Dh's details. He has a bit of a cold but you'd think it was the black death. He has taken to phoning me from his mobile today from his death bed asking me if we have any soup in as he thinks he could 'manage a bit of soup' Give me strength.

schlep, schlep, schlep

I call that 'the nursing home shuffle' when DH does it

DH still dines out on his sufferings when I was in labour with DC1. Poor man, he was up all night, he'd run out of sandwiches and there was nothing available for him to eat in the hospital, he ran out of reading matter, he had to help move me when I'd had an epidural because the midwife was also pregnant. As he goes through his tales of woe, I'm sitting there murmuring that actually I wasn't enjoying myself that much, either ...

Forgive my ghoulishness, but I cannot fathom anyone being that sick, and not actually dying.

Seriously, I have probably had one day I’ve had to take to my bed through illness in about 25 years, and that was mastitis.

I’m not saying I haven’t been ill mind you.

But for me it’s better if husband thinks he’s going to pop his clog and stays in bed, and I take him the odd Beechams or onion soup. If he malingered around the place I would probably have to finish him off.

@aurynne - that is it exactly.

Tourette's Cough. The very thing I was trying to remember, but obviously have blocked it because it gives me the rage.

Love this thread.

Dying reading this

DH wraps himself in The Dressing Gown of Doom rather like a Roman senator who just defied the Ceasar and is gathering up his toga to prepare for certain death

He also does a theatrical forced cough, like a heroine dying of tuberculosis in a 19th century novel about star crossed lovers

Then retires to bed surrounded by at least 3 rolls of fucking toilet paper. No tissues, always bog roll galore. Why?!

And then lies there with his eyes closed like he's on his deathbed. I always cheerily ask if he wants to have a look at his will, seeing as he's still conscious. Doesn't always land well

My dh is the opposite, will crawl off to work despite coughing up a lung or having puss drop from his eyeballs. It's a different kind of martyrdom but equally irritating

The day I genuinely wondered if I could get away with suffocating my ex in his sleep because I couldn’t bare the weak coughing and croaky voice anymore was the day I decided it was best if we seperated.

This is the man that wanted me to unpack the boxes after I had nearly died having DS1 had a botched CS and been in hospital for weeks and could hardly walk. We had just moved in. He had done nothing while I had been away because "he didn't know where to put them."

Ex?