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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be embarrassed?

175 replies

PinkButterfly855 · 02/10/2019 20:30

Met new colleague today. I assumed she was on work experience as she looked 18 and asked her if she was, to be met with a frosty "No. I am 35.' Absolutely amazed but also highly embarrassed as she looked angry. I then thought she sounded different so asked her where she was from as her accent was so strong and she said "Nowhere? I grew up here.' Again, really surprised but also embarrassed.
Got it very wrong on two counts and now feel really awkward. How do I come back from this?

OP posts:

MrsFezziwig · 03/10/2019 17:34

When I was 20 and got stroppy when people thought I was about 14, my mum said I would be happy about it one day and she was right.

purpleme12 · 03/10/2019 17:38

I don't get upset anymore. When I was younger it really bothered me and I did get upset by it. I tend to laugh it off now and have standard responses but it's not nice to hear. If they're proper patronising then I'll be patronising back

IamWaggingBrenda · 03/10/2019 17:54

Maybe take this as a lesson to not make personal comments to someone you don’t know. I’m not sure why you thought commenting about her age or accent was ‘being friendly’. How about “It’s so nice to meet you. Welcome to the company.” I’d suggest you simply apologise by telling her you are sorry if you embarrassed or offended her with your ham handed attempt to be friendly. Don’t explain why you said what you did, as it will likely only get worse.

Scarlettmaid · 03/10/2019 17:55

I am foreign. People asking me where I am from is fine. People commenting that my accent is strong , like you have done with your colleague, that's a different story. It has only happened a handful of times but it is rude and unnecessary.

Scarlettmaid · 03/10/2019 17:57

I can also completely see how she hates being told she looks like a student on work experience, especially if it happens all the time. But at least your initial comment seems kinder.

Zippy1510 · 03/10/2019 17:58

I’m 33 and look very young for my age (can never buy a bottle of wine without ID) . I’m also a university lecturer. I enjoy arriving at my lectures with a new group of students early early, milling about outside with them and listening to what they have to say then announcing loudly “shall we go in” and walking to the front of the lecture theatre

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/10/2019 18:00

Imo the kiwi accent can sound like a very old school cockney accent - perhaps she knows and that’s why she took offence?

AutumnRose1 · 03/10/2019 18:00

I can't believe you did that, twice.

Do you always make personal remarks? Hope you stop now.

cowfacemonkey · 03/10/2019 18:06

You do sound a bit socially inept to be honest OP.

pusscat1 · 03/10/2019 18:38

I don’t really feel you need to apologise to be honest. Just act normally and talk to her as usual tomorrow. Sounds like she reacted a bit strangely to me - I think it sounds like you were only trying to be friendly and ask her about herself but obviously she’s not keen on that! She really I think she’s the one that should be embarrassed but honestly don’t worry about it - it’s not your problem it’s hers xx

IdblowJonSnow · 03/10/2019 18:47

I think you should ask her if she's pregnant next! (Joke! Please don't do that!)
Sounds like you were just trying to chat and got it slightly wrong. I wouldn't worry. Just be breezy and don't ask her any more non-related work questions.

GooodMythicalMorning · 03/10/2019 18:57

Im 34 and got told I looked 19 a few weeks ago. I just laughed. I dont think I look particularly young.

exhaustedbeaverleader · 03/10/2019 19:30

I am actually 18 lol but people usually think I'm about 12 or 13, it can be irritating when I'm trying to look responsible as people think I'm way too young to be looking after their kids/ manning a shop alone. I wouldn't really get angry though, so you shouldn't be too embarrassed. Otoh a cold caller salesman came to the door the other day when I was still in my (pink, cotton!) pyjamas and asked "are your parents around sweetie?" and just left when I said no, so it does have it's benefits 😂

Amibeingnaive · 03/10/2019 19:41

Are her diamond shoes also too tight?

I'm kidding, I have some hateful friends with this problem and I know it's shit to be infantilised.

I'm the same age and am also met with surprise when I reveal this. Unfortunately it's usually from disappointed Saga holiday agents.

Amibeingnaive · 03/10/2019 19:49

It does amaze me, the things people will say, though.

One of my DD's teachers asked me if she and my DS have the same father! Admittedly, they don't look much alike (DD looks like her dad - fair, blonde, blue eyes, DS like me, olive skinned and dark), but they are 18m apart! And even if they did have different dads, that's still a spectacularly inappropriate question to ask, surely?

Same teacher then assumed we were divorced because we never did pick up or drop off together (we have jobs and I can't believe this is unique to us). I was quite baffled when she sympathised with me over the challenges of navigating a marriage breakdown.

Bizarre.

Emmak789 · 03/10/2019 19:52

You should compliment her on her youthful looks, that's should do it.

TiaraBus · 03/10/2019 20:49

Don't feel bad. It's not like you asked her for her bank balance or if she was pregnant. :) People are too sensitive. I grew up elsewhere and I still have my "foreign" accent after 36 years. I get asked at least 10 times a day where I ( or my accent)is from. It doesn't irritate me, everyone is just interested and being friendly and If I hear it 20 x a day, it's my problem, not theirs. It's new to them. I smile and chat back and it's a lovely way of meeting people. Once I was travelling on my own and every time I went somewhere on my own for dinner, by the end of the evening, I had made new friends and had people to talk to through dinner, just because they heard my accent.
If i get taken for younger then I also take it as a huge compliment.
So keep smiling. Maybe she will come around. If she doesn't ,then it's more likely her issue than yours.

Caucho · 04/10/2019 02:59

I love the compliment excuse. Me staring at a woman’s big tits should be taken as a compliment. Black men should take it as a compliment when people assume they are good at dancing and have a massive cock.

I’m sick of people complaining. It’s not as if someone accused them of having a tiny dick the miserable fucker

FelicisNox · 04/10/2019 14:39

I'm with @LaurieFairyCake.... just smile and wave.

tiedy · 05/10/2019 10:02

I’m 34 but look younger apparently. It is supremely irritating at work when people assume I am younger and less experienced, especially as I work in a very male dominated profession so I stand out both as female and young looking. People will talk to my male newly qualified very young colleagues as if they are in charge and just blank me. It happens all the time and it is not a compliment. I want to be taken seriously, not told that I look young.

GuidoTheKillerPimp · 05/10/2019 10:49

Yes, OP, Take a lesson, from all the easily offended MNers. 🙄

She may be pissed off that she looks so young, but she didn’t need to be a twat about it. And why shouldn’t you comment on her accent? It’s an interesting way to get a conversation going. Don’t feel bad. Apologise if it makes you feel better, then try and forget about it.

I have a colleague who introduces me with, “this is Guido: guess how old she is?!” I find it amusing.

Also: I'm the same age and am also met with surprise when I reveal this. Unfortunately it's usually from disappointed Saga holiday agents 🤣🤣🤣

Butchyrestingface · 05/10/2019 11:14

I have a colleague who introduces me with, “this is Guido: guess how old she is?!” I find it amusing.

Alternatively OP could take a lesson from someone who is seemingly so spineless and unusual odd that when their even ruder and odder colleague repeatedly introduces them to people in a way that is inappropriate and desperately unfunny (and probably makes the person they’re speaking to feel uncomfortable/on the back foot), they claim to find it “amusing”.

Few if any people would appreciate being introduced to a new adult acquaintance in any setting, let alone a work one, by being asked to guess their age. That is setting them up for a fall. But you and your colleague keep doing you. 🙄

Shockers · 05/10/2019 13:16

As a newly qualified hairdresser, many years ago, I asked a client whether it was the school holidays because she was in midweek. She was in her late 30s with three children, apparently, and was really annoyed. The rest of the appointment was spent in frosty silence.

I still cringe and it was over 30 years ago!

I also asked a child in my class which part of Ireland her dad was from.

“Cumbria.”

I keep my thoughts to myself these days .

LakieLady · 05/10/2019 13:39

Also, my middle DS sounds like he's from Croydon. We're Scottish, live in Scotland, and he'd never been to England till he was about 7.

Bloody hell, that's unfortunate! I'd send him to elocution classes. I come from Croydon and it's a vile accent.

There was a programme on R4 about accents a few years ago. Some accent expert said that the Croydon "accent" is actually a complete absence of unusual sounds, intonations etc and is almost a "non-accent", but nevertheless distinctive because of it.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 05/10/2019 13:47

OP, you were rude. You may not have meant to be, but you were.

If you are polite and respectful from now on, she may forgive you.

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