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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be embarrassed?

175 replies

PinkButterfly855 · 02/10/2019 20:30

Met new colleague today. I assumed she was on work experience as she looked 18 and asked her if she was, to be met with a frosty "No. I am 35.' Absolutely amazed but also highly embarrassed as she looked angry. I then thought she sounded different so asked her where she was from as her accent was so strong and she said "Nowhere? I grew up here.' Again, really surprised but also embarrassed.
Got it very wrong on two counts and now feel really awkward. How do I come back from this?

OP posts:
pumkinspicetime · 03/10/2019 13:01

If you have an accent plenty of people will comment on it, that is why it gets very tedious.
I don't look younger but I'm sure it is the same.
Lots of people being rude doesn't actually make it better.

BuildBuildings · 03/10/2019 13:03

It's rude to say wow that's a really strong accent. Also after the first gaff I'd hope for a bit more self awareness from you nor straight into that. Just try to ask genuine questions and be friendly. Rather than assumptions disguised as questions.

nldnmum · 03/10/2019 13:05

I'm in mid-30s and get IDed still. When I first meet ppl at work, sometimes people make comments that imply that I'm too young to have enough experience (even though I've been in the field for 10+ years and highly qualified). It does annoy me.

It seems like you made a genuine innocent mistake, but I imagine for her, it's just one too many and quite upsetting to be misunderstood all the time

BuildBuildings · 03/10/2019 13:10

Also in my experience people can have very poor and inaccurate opinions of what accents sound like. I'm form Newcastle with a mild accent people ask if I'm Welsh all of the time. I just think they cant know what a welsm accent sounds like!

Yogobo · 03/10/2019 13:14

I'm 32 but look 17 apparently, and I'm from East London but sound "posh".

The age one embarrasses me a lot. If I go out with friends or colleagues to anywhere serving alcohol I always panic and hold my breath when it comes to entry or my turn at the bar. It really depends on the attitude of the person asking for my age/ID. Some of them can be rude and it already feels awkward to be singled out. Some are friendly and make a joke about how they wish they looked so young, that is usually not so bad. The rude, accusoratory tone some people have makes me wish the ground would swallow me up. If it was just the two of you talking it might not been so bad, but very well may be a sore spot for her. People always say "I wish I had that problem" but it is hard to be taken seriously as a woman when everyone thinks you're a school girl

With the accent I usually find that amusing. I didn't go out of my way to speak differently to my friends. I think my accent is a combination of my northern parents teaching me to speak "correctly" with no accent, autism and a love of Enid Blyton as a child. I had a complete stranger argue with me in the street once that I obviously wasn't from round there and therefore must be Polish. That was weird and annoying because I was being called a liar, usually it just makes me laugh when people comment on my accent.

I think your mistake with your work colleague was that your question were loaded with prior assumptions. Next time maybe try not to assume too much, or at least to keep your assumptions in your head and wait until you get to know the person. I don't think it's that big of a deal, just be friendly to her. It sounds like you're a friendly person anyway and have just got off on the wrong foot. I'm sure it will all blow over.

BuildBuildings · 03/10/2019 13:15

The main problem I think is that she is quite shy and having a different accent and looking so young really makes her stand out.

Op you don't sound like you have much self awareness. So you normally struggle with social interactions?

nestisflown · 03/10/2019 13:38

Op you don't sound like you have much self awareness. So you normally struggle with social interactions?

This. You sound rude, socially awkward and incredibly patronising. Especially from your follow up posts which indicate this wasn't a one off mistake.

Granted, you might not be doing this maliciously or from a place of perceived superiority. But as a 30-something who looks in my early 20s and gets this stuff all the time, and as an ethnic minority who was born here, but has been asked many times by condescending white people -"but where are you from from?"-- you would certainly go down on my list as someone to avoid in future.

shearwater · 03/10/2019 13:42

Some people are easily offended. Her problem, not yours. Do not waste any more energy on it. I've heard people say far, far worse than that, trust me.

Starburst8 · 03/10/2019 13:54

If she constantly gets it then i can understand why she was annoyed. Yes the first few times it's flattering but not for the millionth time. I get it all the time (no that's not a boast). When i'm out and about with my baby everyone treats me like a teenager. just the other day i had 2 old ladies comment on how young i was to have a baby... they were discussing this very loudly between them. it got to the stage i had to turn round and say 'excuse me but i'm 35'.

Maybe next time when you see the new colleague engage in polite conversation. She may have just been having an off day and you might have been one of many that assumed she was a teenager that day.

problembottom · 03/10/2019 14:03

I wouldn’t take offence at this, I’d find it funny and take the piss out of you for it as long as I worked there.

purpleme12 · 03/10/2019 14:08

But it's not even flattering the first time.
I had it since I was a child. So by the time you get to being a teenager people think you're a child which is incredibly annoying. So you get it year on year so it's not flattering when you're an adult because of that

Girasole02 · 03/10/2019 14:28

Really feel for her trying to make the best impression and being made to feel as if the impression she is actually making is that of someone on work experience.

user1573354 · 03/10/2019 14:32

People say its impossible to look more than a couple of years younger but she really does look 17/18

Hmm Where on earth have you heard such nonsense! By people do you mean your previously held opinion?

I'm someone that has always been mistaken for younger, and also someone who is asked on a weekly basis where I am from because apparently I don't sound like I'm from round here. I don't really know what to say to that, it is always awkward and like I have to justify myself or I am a liar. Taxi drivers are the worst offenders. Not everyone picks up the local accent do they? Someone told me it is because I sound 'posh' which is certainly not true. I am autistic though, and I recently read that looking very young and having no local accent is very common for autistics. The youthful appearance is apparently due to not having a very expressive face... which is probably true for me.

macmustard · 03/10/2019 14:59

People tell me I look 18 all the time. I'm 36. It's annoying and unnecessary. Like they think they're the first person to ever point out that I look young. People say constantly 'you don't look old enough to have kids' and then stare at my kids like I'm pretending to be their parent. It's fucking weird to be honest that anyone feels the need to comment to me, to my face, that I look young.

I had a client not long ago who during conversation where he said something about 'before your time' and I said 'actually I remember xyz', he then said 'pfft you're a baby'. Wtf is wrong with people?!

WhatTheFluck · 03/10/2019 15:10

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purpleme12 · 03/10/2019 15:20

Wow. Bit of a jump there

HugoSpritz · 03/10/2019 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butchyrestingface · 03/10/2019 15:23

She may have possible autism. Looking very young for age and speaking with an accent not local to your own are key signs.

OMG.

MarshaBradyo · 03/10/2019 15:23

Not where are you from but wow strong accent.

I have an accent and that would irritate me

MarshaBradyo · 03/10/2019 15:24

As for autism do not give the op more ideas for rudeness

WhatTheFluck · 03/10/2019 15:33

It's a possibility though is it not?
Two people on here have said they look especially young/speak with an accent and both have autism. My cousin who is early twenties is exactly the same. Just suggesting it MIGHT be a possibility

purpleme12 · 03/10/2019 15:35

Based on just those 2 points which is all we've got at the minute I would say it's unreasonable to be thinking about that

pumkinspicetime · 03/10/2019 15:40

I have an accent and that would irritate me
@MarshaBradyo

The thing is everyone has an accent it is just if you are living in a group of people who sound like you you don't notice.

DH has an English accent, a standard southern English one. He has never noticed this but living in the USA gets irritated with everyone commenting on it.
As a Scot who lived in England for years I say welcome to world when he complains.
The Americans often ask do you think I have an accent. In their heads they don't.

BlockedandDeleted · 03/10/2019 17:11

@WhatTheFluck

Seriously though, what the ^actual fuck* are you on about?
Why bring ASC into this?

Even if the person OP was shockingly rude to had any kind of disability how is it relevant to OPs behaviour?

Novel approach though , normally ableist posters would be saying OP has ASC due to her appalling behaviour.

MrsWeasley · 03/10/2019 17:30

GrinGrinGrin This made me chuckle.

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