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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be embarrassed?

175 replies

PinkButterfly855 · 02/10/2019 20:30

Met new colleague today. I assumed she was on work experience as she looked 18 and asked her if she was, to be met with a frosty "No. I am 35.' Absolutely amazed but also highly embarrassed as she looked angry. I then thought she sounded different so asked her where she was from as her accent was so strong and she said "Nowhere? I grew up here.' Again, really surprised but also embarrassed.
Got it very wrong on two counts and now feel really awkward. How do I come back from this?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 22:15

Geepipe if she'd asked her how old she was it would have been much better than saying are you 18 first off

I think both would have been rude. Adults don’t generally ask each other how old they are on first meeting, do they?

purpleme12 · 02/10/2019 22:16

No but it would have been marginally better than this!

harrypotterfan1604 · 02/10/2019 22:17

Im 30 and last month had an argument with a lady because my 8 month old dd was being a bit fussy in a shop nothing major just fussing. A lady told her her husband to look at that young mother there clearly clueless children having children is disgusting. When I proceeded to tell her I’m 30 and even if I wasn’t she should mind her own business anyway she looks completely horrified! Serves her right trough.

Also work wise I’m well respected in my workplace and having worked there for 11 years I’m very knowledgable and have a lot of experience. A new memeber of staff who was around 50 told the manager she wouldn’t be trained by some jumped up child that hasn’t got a jot of life experience behind her.
So yes it is quite offensive when people assume your young snd then mention it!

Original poster
PinkButterfly855 · 02/10/2019 22:21

Oh dear. I do realise now I went in too heavyhanded. I hate how embarrassed she must feel.
I still cant believe she is from my area though or the age she is. Genuinely very shocked. Never met anyone that age who could easily pass for 17/18. The accent is bizarre too, interesting to read others sound different from where they actually lived though.
I won't mention it now unless she does. I am as embarrassed as her.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 22:21

Yeah I can see why she would be annoyed, it's really condescending to assume someone is effectively thr office junior.

There are better ways to ask questions, for example, what job are you doing, or are you from round here.

Insinuating she was the office junior,looked like a teenager and announcing she had a really strong accent is quite rude.

BlockedandDeleted · 02/10/2019 22:25

Embarrassed? Why would she be embarrassed about her appearance or accent?

I think she probably, quite rightly, felt insulted.

hotchocolateee · 02/10/2019 22:29

Oh yeah it's so funny when someone mistakes you for a TEEN. And basically doesn't take you seriously. Ffs. It is NOT a compliment. I spend my life justifying and proving myself to people. If I turned around to someone who was 35 and thought they were 50, then this thread would go a different way. It's frustrating. And rude.

KnitFastDieWarm · 02/10/2019 22:32

One of my friends is a fairly senior doctor in her mid 30s. She’s tiny, blonde, often wears plaits, doesn’t wear makeup and looks about 15. She’s constantly being mistaken for a student nurse, or being dismissed because people want to see ‘the doctor in charge’ to which she responds ‘yep, that would be me’ Grin

I once got asked what GCSEs I was planning to do while doing work experience at a museum. I was 25!

purpleme12 · 02/10/2019 22:32

Oh my god that's awful Harrypotterfan!
I would not be able to forget that

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 02/10/2019 22:33

Thanks for listening OP. I've also had shit comments about my accent (all just casual off the cuff ones but hundreds of them).

Find a way to say 'sorry I said all the wrong things yesterday' or something like that, and you can both move on more quickly Flowers.

PookieDo · 02/10/2019 22:34

Sorry but re age it can be so undermining not a compliment. It’s one thing people being surprised your children belong to you and another condescending you at work because they assume you are a young idiot. It’s given me a really strong respect for actual young people in the work place and What they experience
Imagine yourself having loads of experience and knowledge of something and people dismissing it completely because they think you are younger it’s pretty much saying ‘you are too young to know any better’

KnitFastDieWarm · 02/10/2019 22:35

I’m 32 and I have recently been IDed:
Buying embroidery scissors
Buying a craft knife
Buying a bottle of expensive Rioja and a fancy pizza in M&S

All purchases that very much suggest that, far from being 17, I’m approaching middle age Grin

cdtaylornats · 02/10/2019 22:36

Just ask her when she is due.

purpleme12 · 02/10/2019 22:37

I don't know anyone else in real life who looks loads younger. But all these people commenting get it!

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 22:38

Just ask her when she is due

Grin

“I’m so sorry about yesterday’s gaffe, Youthful Colleague. It’s just that the pregnancy glow really does take years off you.”

Original poster
PinkButterfly855 · 02/10/2019 22:41

I haven't met anyone who looks as young as her either. People say its impossible to look more than a couple of years younger but she really does look 17/18.
The main problem I think is that she is quite shy and having a different accent and looking so young really makes her stand out.😕

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 02/10/2019 22:45

It does make you sound a bit naive not taking into account that appearances can be deceiving, in more ways than this one. You must know not to make judgements on things?

I meant I haven't met anyone apart from me.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 22:45

People say its impossible to look more than a couple of years younger but she really does look 17/18.

What “people”? Am assuming those same people must be rather prematurely aged and clutching at straws if they think it’s not possible to look any more than two years younger than your chronological age.

The main problem I think is that she is quite shy and having a different accent and looking so young really makes her stand out.😕

No, the main problem is that you were rude and offended her. Just own it. Everyone puts their foot right in it at some point or another.

WonderWomansSpin · 02/10/2019 22:48

Both those comments were awful. If I were you, I'd actually mention them to your manager to pre-empt any complaints or criticism. The first was belittling and the second was just rude.

BlockedandDeleted · 02/10/2019 22:52

The main problem I think is that she is quite shy and having a different accent and looking so young really makes her stand out

I think the main problem is you OP.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 22:52

Both those comments were awful. If I were you, I'd actually mention them to your manager to pre-empt any complaints or criticism

I think that’s unlikely. Having been on the receiving end of such comments more times I’ve had hot dinners, it would never occur to me to actually raise it, far less as a new member of staff.

Louise01000 · 02/10/2019 23:03

It's rude and upsetting when people comment on how young I look. I'm 35 and apparently look 21 although I tend to raise my eyebrows at this as people have very warped ideas about the appearance of age.

I have spent all my working life dealing with people like you who think it's acceptable to comment on how old they think I am. It's just rude. I have been treated like a school leaver on many occasions when I am actually a graduate with nearly 2 decades of experience in my role.
I don't take it as a compliment and fail to understand why it's OK to tell someone they look really young yet you wouldn't tell someone they look 15 years older than they are.
Even after I tell them it's hurtful and offensive, I still get asked stupid ridiculous questions about face cream 🙄

BatshitBertha · 02/10/2019 23:07

This sounds like a scene from Miranda Grin

Summer2003 · 02/10/2019 23:09

I was once in a Local italian restaurant famous for & advertised as being a family run business. I asked who I assumed to be the Mum where abouts in Italy she was from (I'd just returned from Naples & am naturally chatty) She replied "I'm from Pakistan Madame" - I nearly died, dp & DS looked mortified & spent the whole meal telling me I how I'd culturally stereotyped her, I left a big tip & haven't been back! 😚

purpleme12 · 02/10/2019 23:14

I once was in Costco and one of the people handing out free tasters or something treated me like an actual child, I can't remember what he said now something about my mummy and slapped my hand off. Anyway he was incredibly rude and patronising. I was about 27. I was so shocked I don't think I actually said anything at that. Well he wouldn't have done that to anyone else it was because he thought I looked so young