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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be embarrassed?

175 replies

PinkButterfly855 · 02/10/2019 20:30

Met new colleague today. I assumed she was on work experience as she looked 18 and asked her if she was, to be met with a frosty "No. I am 35.' Absolutely amazed but also highly embarrassed as she looked angry. I then thought she sounded different so asked her where she was from as her accent was so strong and she said "Nowhere? I grew up here.' Again, really surprised but also embarrassed.
Got it very wrong on two counts and now feel really awkward. How do I come back from this?

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 02/10/2019 21:52

It does get annoying. I have had this a few times at work where someone asks to speak to a manager and when I come out they refuse to believe me till I show my ID.

My mum has the same issue. She remembers being in hospital after just having me years ago and a nasty nurse commented that girls her age should be playing with dolls, not having babies. To which my mum asked if many 27 year olds play with dolls.

It does get wearing eventually, the same as when people constantly remark how tall I am. I tend not to make personal comments in work until I know someone a bit better, or at least avoid anything presumptive like age or children or whether they have a husband / wife

LemonPrism · 02/10/2019 21:53

So you should be, you just assumed someone was on work experience and either foreign or regional.

You might as well have said 'you look like an inexperienced child.'

As a 24 year old with a Yorkshire accent you have no idea how often I am undermined and embarrassed by people who do this.

Juliehooligan · 02/10/2019 21:54

Just be polite when you see her again, we’ve all ballsed up sometimes!

LemonPrism · 02/10/2019 21:54

Yes the best thing is to just apologise and say you feel like an idiot but would like to know what face cream she uses

Yesivenamechanged11 · 02/10/2019 21:56

Hmm you probably don't need another person telling you that a bit more tact in asking questions might have got you a better response... That said I wouldn't be offended if someone thought I looked half my age!! What face cream is she using?!

Cohle · 02/10/2019 21:56

I think in future you should ease off the very personal questions when first meeting new colleagues!

PookieDo · 02/10/2019 21:57

I started a new job 6 months ago. In conversation after a month I told someone my age, it wasn’t very relevant but they asked. Within days, every time i saw one of the other 40 people who work there they said ‘really are you X age?!!’ as apparently they all though i was about 27 whereas I am nearly 40 with 2 teenagers. I’m not saying it’s not ‘flattering’ but in a work context it’s so awkward having to say ‘yes really I have a 17yo child’ to prove I really am the age I say I am

I am not too offended, but it’s annoying. Just don’t mention it again!

PookieDo · 02/10/2019 21:59

Also I don’t think it’s a ‘good problem to have’ I saw a marked difference in people’s attitudes to me when they found out I am 40 and not 27

purpleme12 · 02/10/2019 21:59

I'm 34 and people like to say I look like an early teenager all the time. I'm thinking perhaps just turned teenager is a slight exaggeration but they do think I look years younger. To be honest it is not nice to hear. I think people don't think about it.
I tend to laugh it off now as I've had it all my life.
But if other people had this problem they would not be saying it's a good thing. I don't think you've got as much presence when you look younger.
I could go on.

Dieu · 02/10/2019 22:01

Jesus, she sounds a right bundle of laughs Confused

UnderHisEyeBall · 02/10/2019 22:02

I think you are getting off here pretty lightly here OP, that was a VERY high risk question to ask her unless you were really sure!

I dine out on telling people about the time some gammon asked me if I was on work experience at a conference I was reporting on. The attitude that she should be grateful somebody has patronisingly commented on her appearance in public is appalling and contributes to the general misogyny in the workplace.

I would make a point of apologising if I were you. You really crossed a line.

purpleme12 · 02/10/2019 22:02

Wow it's nothing to do with her not being a bundle of laughs

PookieDo · 02/10/2019 22:02

@purpleme12
People don’t take you as seriously. I am a senior manager, it is awful when people assume you are a junior member of staff who is inexperienced

BlockedandDeleted · 02/10/2019 22:03

Both of those comments were shockingly rude!

The first one would've been patronising even to a bone fide18-year-old.

I can't believe you commented on her accent at all - let alone say "wow' really strong accent"

Awful. Just awful.

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 02/10/2019 22:04

It's really rude to comment on someone's accent the first time you meet them at work. Surely you don't need to be told that?

I'm also someone who looked very young until I was about 40. It's not funny when you go into job interviews and people question your veracity as 'we didn't realise you were that old'.

Just don't make personal comments. It's rule No1 of decent professional behaviour.

LemonPrism · 02/10/2019 22:05

Interesting that the divide is:

People who look their age: she should be grateful/ she's a Scrooge/ you didn't do anything wrong.

And

People who look young: it's awful/ I feel undermined/ people ignore me/ people don't take me seriously..

Just take the point people!

purpleme12 · 02/10/2019 22:05

PookieDoo I've wondered if it's just me that has that problem before! I don't know anyone else who people mistake for years younger.

It is horrible

GeePipe · 02/10/2019 22:07

Jesus people are way too sensitive its beyond ridiculous. Neither of the things you said were offensive in any way shape or form. Looking 18 is not a negative. Sounding kiwi is not negative. People ask questions to get to know people its human nature.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 22:08

@LemonPrism

I wonder how many of the

People who look their age: she should be grateful/ she's a Scrooge/ you didn't do anything wrong.

contingent are also the people making the remarks? Grin

Maybe they’re a bit sensitive about getting called out for passing comments that have possibly offended/upset people?

HopelesslyDevoted2u · 02/10/2019 22:09

Aw try not to worry about it. Just say hi to her tomorrow and if she mentions it just say sorry, you didn't mean to cause any offence.
I'm sure she'll realise you were just trying to be welcoming. Small talk is always difficult

purpleme12 · 02/10/2019 22:09

Geepipe if she'd asked her how old she was it would have been much better than saying are you 18 first off

katseyes7 · 02/10/2019 22:12

A woman in Bath asked me if l was from there. l'm a Geordie....

partysong · 02/10/2019 22:12

Funny rules - it's ok to tell someone they look too young but presumably if it had been the other way round you'd be saying it was rude to comment on her age

Just don't comment on age - why would you need to?

Jaxhog · 02/10/2019 22:13

I WAS ecstatic when someone thought I was 18 when I was 34!

I would say that you're sorry you got off onto the wrong foot, and can you start again. And be more careful in the future!

katseyes7 · 02/10/2019 22:13

My cousin's in her mid 50s. Answered the phone at home to be asked "ls mummy there, sweetheart?"