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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be embarrassed?

175 replies

PinkButterfly855 · 02/10/2019 20:30

Met new colleague today. I assumed she was on work experience as she looked 18 and asked her if she was, to be met with a frosty "No. I am 35.' Absolutely amazed but also highly embarrassed as she looked angry. I then thought she sounded different so asked her where she was from as her accent was so strong and she said "Nowhere? I grew up here.' Again, really surprised but also embarrassed.
Got it very wrong on two counts and now feel really awkward. How do I come back from this?

OP posts:
Boots20 · 02/10/2019 23:15

Congratulate her and ask her when shes due, 3rd ones a charm

HennyPennyHorror · 02/10/2019 23:17

People always ask me if I'm from Bristol. Nope....I'm from a small town in NW England. Everyone around me sounds like they're from Corrie more or less. Not me. No idea why!

ElizaPancakes · 02/10/2019 23:18

We were looking round a secondary school the other day and I asked the lad showing us an experiment if he was in 6th form.

He was a teacher.

I. Was. Mortified.

My recommendation is be breezy, don’t refer to it again, and if she does just explain it away as an embarrassing gaff.

Those saying they’re ‘terrible comments’ need a catch a grip.

Melroses · 02/10/2019 23:36

We were looking round a secondary school the other day and I asked the lad showing us an experiment if he was in 6th form.

I was sitting on the wall outside school on my first day of Big School with a classmate. A couple joggers went by and she yelled at one of them 'Keep your knees up!'

She said she thought it was a sixth former - it was the Head of Biology - whoops!

NarwhalsNarwhals · 02/10/2019 23:37

I get asked where I'm from all the time as I have an odd accent (like a mixture of a few) I have no idea where it comes from and It did used to really bug me. On a bad day I used to get a bit defensive, I'm used to it now but on a really off day i might come across rude still.

She's just started a new job and being asked something she probably gets a lot she was probably embarrassed and a bit flustered.

WatchingTheMoon · 02/10/2019 23:51

I actually get similar comments on both of those things and it drives me mad. I'm short so I get a lot of 'when are you going back to school' or 'do you have ID?' type comments. And my accent is quite neutral so people never believe me when I say where I'm from, or they guess I'm from somewhere else entirely.

Honestly, you're probably just the most recent in a long line of people to say those things to her and while it does get annoying, she probably just thinks you're a bit quick to speak without thinking, which goes for 99% of people.

You don't need to apologise, but just take it as a lesson to ask people things instead of assuming. It just gets tiring having to correct people, but it's rarely actually offensive (what is offensive is when people assume my husband is Chinese when he's from another Asian country or people assume we can't possibly be a couple because we're mixed. That happens a lot more often than you'd think considering.)

kateandme · 03/10/2019 00:08

if you go in and sense something still there maybe just go up to her and "hey,im sorry if made a cock up of our first meeting i honestly wouldnt mean to say anything to offend you.can we start again. "

Sobeyondthehills · 03/10/2019 00:10

The main problem I think is that she is quite shy and having a different accent and looking so young really makes her stand out

You fucked up, not her, she can't help her looks or her accent, you can help not being so rude. Stop blaming her and own that what you did was wrong.

Those saying they’re ‘terrible comments’ need a catch a grip.

Most the people saying they are terrible comments are the ones at the end of it and while the odd one or two are fine, day in and day out it chips away at you, especially when you know you are get treated differently because of how you look or sound

Caucho · 03/10/2019 00:21

I probably come across as, and because I am, as a slightly grumpy fucker who despairs about the current lefty warrior politics which are prevalent. But even I think you were totally tactless.

Even when you make what you may yourself consider to be reasonable assumptions there’s a more surreptitious way of confirming them (or not) without being so direct.

Not sure how 35 can be mistaken for 18 either though even if they look young.

WatchingTheMoon · 03/10/2019 00:52

"You fucked up, not her, she can't help her looks or her accent, you can help not being so rude. Stop blaming her and own that what you did was wrong."

This is so true and so applicable in so many situations.

pumkinspicetime · 03/10/2019 01:01

Commenting randomly about other people's accents is just rude and likely to upset them. I would give her a quick simple apology the next time you see her.

MrsTeaspoon · 03/10/2019 03:09

I’ve had the “you sound like you’re from New Zealand/from South Africa/sound very posh” loads of times in my life and in my home-county too, I find it rude tbh. I do not understand why people feel it is acceptable to comment on differences like accent or age which you cannot help and are of no consequence...I’m sure you’d have felt a bit scrutinised if you were told you have a weak accent and where were you from? Both comments to me would come across as intrusive and divisive and inappropriate from work colleagues (aka bloody nosey). Maybe joke with her that you need to temper your inane chatter to platitudes about the weather? At least you have the awareness to realise you put your foot in it, which we all do!

LoreleiRock · 03/10/2019 03:51

It isn’t flattering to be thought of as 18, when you are almost 20 years older. What kind of warped logic makes being older something less attractive? Oh yes, fucking misogyny. Come on people, it’s ridiculous.

littleorangecat22 · 03/10/2019 04:02

Oh no! It happens, though, don't worry about it. She'll get over it I think. Similar happened to me and my colleague with a younger new colleague who is 24 and was talking about us being all close to the same age and I was like... how old do you think we are exactly? And she said she thought we were both about 25... nope... I'm 40 and other colleague is 42! We both thought it was funny!

BlackCatSleeping · 03/10/2019 04:45

I have a weird accent. It really doesn’t bother me when people comment on it.

I don’t think it’s worth getting upset about these things. The other day, I got asked if I was pregnant. I just laughed and said, just need to try a bit harder with the diet. It probably wasn’t the most flattering top.

I wouldn’t mention it to her again or apologize. It’s obviously a sore point with her.

Butchyrestingface · 03/10/2019 05:03

I don’t think it’s worth getting upset about these things. The other day, I got asked if I was pregnant.

But what if you were regularly asked by people if you were pregnant?

What if you were new to a job and someone asked you this, you replied that you were NOT pregnant, and then had to run the gauntlet of other new colleagues coming up to you to say, ”are you SURE you’re not pregnant? You LOOK pregnant. I’ve never met anyone who looked as pregnant as you and NOT be pregnant. It’s really odd!”

People who are never told how young they look, or are maybe told it once or twice, cannot conceive of how wearing and demoralising it can be as an adult to be on the receiving end of such comments so frequently, plus all the patronising crap that goes with it.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 03/10/2019 05:32

I am 38 and would be THRILLED if you mistook me for a teenager. I got id'd the other week for the first time in years and skipped out of the shop in glee (I think Sainsbury's should randomly id older people every so often just to cheer them up).

Tilltheendoftheline · 03/10/2019 05:33

I look quite young and have an odd accent. I was born in Derry, moved to west Yorkshire as a child. Lived in 2 cities that have quite different accents and then lived in humberside.

I get the accent question alot. Ds who has only ever lived her gets the same question. He seems to have picked up my accent. Interspersed with broad Yorkshire.

It's really really annoying. When I am asked, I just say 'I grew up round here's. Because I cant be arsed giving someone a history of my life. So she could be just saying it to shut you down.

OP just ne nice to her. Apologise, tell her you were nervous and kept putting your foot in it and apologise

WatchingTheMoon · 03/10/2019 05:37

thatmustbenigel

It might be flattering one or two times, but when it's constantly, it gets annoying. Also because people tend to treat you like an idiot when you look young.

Butchyrestingface · 03/10/2019 05:39

I am 38 and would be THRILLED if you mistook me for a teenager. I got id'd the other week for the first time in years and skipped out of the shop in glee (I think Sainsbury's should randomly id older people every so often just to cheer them up)

Yes, because as I said just one post above yours, it’s not a regular event for the people who claim they’d be thrilled by it or are thrilled by it on the single occasion that it happens.

This isn’t what the people who get frustrated by it are complaining about.

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2019 06:09

The main problem I think is that she is quite shy and having a different accent and looking so young really makes her stand out

Interesting and very telling comment. The only person it's a problem for is you. Only you perceive it as a problem and tried to make it hers. What's the issue with her standing out?

Is there an element of jealousy here that prompted your comments?

BlockedandDeleted · 03/10/2019 11:50

I think the main problem is you OP.

MarshaBradyo · 03/10/2019 11:57

Op do you do this with others if you think their problem is that they are too short, tall, quiet etc because if you do you’ll find you are the common denominator and the main problem.

Original poster
PinkButterfly855 · 03/10/2019 12:45

Of course not.
Other people have asked me if she is foreign/very young so it isn't just me.
I haven't said anything to her today apart from a welcome. I will be seeing a lot of her though so hope it will be ok moving forward

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 03/10/2019 12:55

Other people may well think the same thing
The difference is saying that to her (as well as in your first conversation with her when you both don't know how to take each other yet)