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Original poster

Can I watch my grandma die tonight or tomorrow?

131 replies

Clingingtothewreckage · 02/10/2019 19:36

I’m having a meltdown. My beloved grandma is dying. I’ve been at her side for the week and slept next to her overnight a couple of nights ago and been spending most of the day here every day. I’m exhausted and a mess and can’t sleep. My two cousins have slept here a couple of nights and will stay again tonight so she won’t be alone if I am not here. I meant to stay last night but fell apart and she made it through. I thought I could do tonight but I’m getting major palpitations and getting very upset at the thought of watching her. I left last night and thought I’d let her down. What do I do? Is it as bad as you think watching someone die?

OP posts:
CrowBones · 02/10/2019 19:39

Poor you. You're doing so well. If they're very poorly, no, it's not so bad, when it's time. I watched my mum die. But if it's too hard to be there, that's OK too.

BarbedBloom · 02/10/2019 19:39

We knew mine was near the end and I went home as they said they thought it wouldn't be that day. I got back about two minutes after she died and I truly regret not being there to say goodbye to her as she passed. If it helps, she looked so peaceful afterwards, but not herself, it was like what made her her had gone. I don't know if any of this will help, but the person who was with her said it was very peaceful.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 02/10/2019 19:43

If you're emotionally able to I would do it. I used to work in a nursing home doing the night shift and would sit with anyone in their last moments so they wouldn't be on their own if their family wouldn't/couldn't be there as I couldn't bear the thought of them being alone when it happened. Sorry you are going through this x

Toomuch999 · 02/10/2019 19:44

I watched my lovely mum die five days ago. She was 81 and had cancer, pretty out of it for the last two or three days, the morphine was allowing her to ‘sleep’. I’d been looking after her on and off for a couple of months, which was frustrating and exhausting but I’m glad I did as she could stay at home - and I was quite scared about being there at the end but actually it reassured me that death doesn’t have to be terrifying. She just stopped breathing over the period of a few minutes. Heartbreaking, but so so glad I was there holding her hand.
I don’t think you would regret it.

Sciurus83 · 02/10/2019 19:53

I was with my grandma when she passed, in a similar situation to you and it was so sad, but also a beautiful thing to hold her hand and tell her how much we all loved her in her last times. It really bonded us as a family to be there together to support each other through and now five years later I look back with sadness but also with gratitude that her last moments were in a room full of people who loved her so very much. I feel for you, it is so sad and exhausting to be in those deep throes of grief, be strong and try to live in the love you have rather than the grief you feel. Take care, I will be thinking of you and your family, be kind and supportive of each other Flowers

Lollypop701 · 02/10/2019 19:53

It can be quite peaceful... the breathing just slows and stops. When someone is so ill it can feel like a heartbreaking blessing if that makes sense. It’s ok to go, or not. Don’t beat yourself up, you’ve been there for her through good and bad, she knows you love her. Big hugs op

MrsTommyBanks · 02/10/2019 19:54

My DGM died an hour after I left her side. I was ok with that I'd spent time sitting and talking to her and felt I'd said my goodbyes then.
So sorry please be kind to yourself Flowers

Sciurus83 · 02/10/2019 19:54

Toomuch999 I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

Passthecherrycoke · 02/10/2019 19:56

No it’s peaceful (provided its not a painful death of course)

Do you have hospice staff coming in? There are signs when someone is going to die, and they’re the experts in how long she has left so can advise

You’re doing a great thing OP. How wonderful for your nan to die with her family around her holding her hand. It’s all we all want ❤️

Passthecherrycoke · 02/10/2019 19:57

Like MrsTomnyBanks my Nan died 10 mins after I left my vigil (lots of other family were there) I figured maybe she didn’t want me there x

Kraggle · 02/10/2019 19:58

I watched my grandma die ten years ago when I was 23. I was lucky and had my family with me/her as well so we were all there. Tbh it terrified me at the time, waiting to see if she took another breath. But it was peaceful for her and we were there and that’s what matters.

Some people wait until they are alone though I think so don’t beat yourself up if you’re not there. flowers

Babynumber2dueNov · 02/10/2019 19:58

I was with my grandma and it was very peaceful, with no real sign she had gone. I heard her last breath and it wasn’t traumatic or scary. Not something I’d wished to see but I was there to support my mum, so was glad I Was there. If you’d regret not being there that’s a reason to stay but even for me, being very easily scared by death, it wasn’t scary. Do the nhs send night sitters where you live? We used them for both grandads towards the end so we could have a break x

Kraggle · 02/10/2019 19:59

Sorry that should have been Flowers

Jinxed2 · 02/10/2019 19:59

Mine died 15/20 mins after we left her. We didn’t know it was imminent. I massively regret not being there x

TowerRavenSeven · 02/10/2019 20:01

My mum was dying and the nurses kept saying it was ‘any day’. Every night I’d go visit her for two weeks of ‘any time now’. The one night I felt just as you did and went home...she died that night. Go if at all possible.

QueenEnid · 02/10/2019 20:01

I was by my dads side when he passed and it was peaceful. I said to him about 10 mins before he passed that it was ok, and that we would be ok here. I think he needed to hear that.

I'm welling up remembering this and it was over 10 years ago now.

You do what you need to do @Clingingtothewreckage There's no right or wrong. As others have said, they just kind of stop breathing. I knew the second he had gone. Something changed. Like his soul had gone and just left the body. The wrinkles disappear and they look completely at peace ❤️

Newmumma83 · 02/10/2019 20:02

You have done a marvellous thing there is no right thing to door wrong thing.
It’s horrid I know I went through similar with my grandad a few years ago.

Big hugs and your grandma loves you whatever you do x

Kolo · 02/10/2019 20:03

I was there with my nan, and it was very peaceful, just slipping away. I don’t think that’s something you need to be worried about. But you do have to look after your own health too. You can’t physically keep a vigil indefinitely. If there’s other people there to look after your nan, then you shouldn’t feel guilty taking some time to rest.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/10/2019 20:04

It's really common for people to hang on until they are alone. I don't know if it's because they want to be alone when they die and not have to think about other people, or because they want to spare their loved ones, but I do know that it's very common.
So if you aren't there, don't torture yourself, because it may be what she wants, even if she isn't able to express it.

NewName54321 · 02/10/2019 20:06

Some people wait until they are alone though I think so don’t beat yourself up if you’re not there.

Came on to post exactly this. Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2019 20:08

In some ways I found the waiting more difficult than the end. If the person isn’t in pain it is very peaceful. Slower breaths, you think they may have died then another breath and sometime soon no more breaths.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 02/10/2019 20:12
Flowers Have held hands with 2 family members who died peacefully. First time the anticipation of it their dying was so scary but it was very peaceful. Their breathing just got shallower and more intermittent, then stopped. We just held and kissed their hands and tried to support them in their passing as they supported us during their lifetime. Miss them Sad
CallmeAngelina · 02/10/2019 20:14

I witnessed my dad dying 3 weeks ago. We had all kind of assumed he would go in the middle of the night, when alone.
But I was there when it happened and I can't tell you how grateful I am for that. It was very peaceful and almost beautiful in a way.

Please don't beat yourself up about whatever transpires. It will be the times that you were there when she was aware that are so important.
Flowers

EmmaGrundyForPM · 02/10/2019 20:14

I was with my dad when he died last year. It was very peaceful. He had been unconscious for several days so if I hadn't have been there he wouldn't have known.

There's no right or wrong. One of my friends spent several days with her dad whilst he was dying. She popped out of the room to get herself a cuppa and he died then. She says she reckons he was waiting for her to leave as she had been yacking on to him and he wanted a bit of quiet!

Thinking of you x

namestar · 02/10/2019 20:15

Whilst heartbreaking, I felt very privileged to be with my beloved Gran in her last moments.

It was sad but it wasn't scary and I'd almost describe it as a good death. She had reached the end of her life, was desperately ill with dementia and it was her time to go. She was surrounded by her children and some grandchildren and we held her hand whilst willing her to go to her childhood sweetheart (my grandad) who had died many years previously.

Take care and do what's right for you x

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