Can I watch my grandma die tonight or tomorrow?

[Clingingtothewreckage]

I’m having a meltdown. My beloved grandma is dying. I’ve been at her side for the week and slept next to her overnight a couple of nights ago and been spending most of the day here every day. I’m exhausted and a mess and can’t sleep. My two cousins have slept here a couple of nights and will stay again tonight so she won’t be alone if I am not here. I meant to stay last night but fell apart and she made it through. I thought I could do tonight but I’m getting major palpitations and getting very upset at the thought of watching her. I left last night and thought I’d let her down. What do I do? Is it as bad as you think watching someone die?

I spent 3 days with my mum in hospital as she died. It was upsetting, it was heartbreaking but it felt then and still feels now, like a huge privilege and I have never regretted it.

My mum may not have been aware (although i hope in some way she was) but she left the world surrounded by people who loved her. My brother found it too painful and couldn't be there. Neither reaction is right or wrong and you can only do what is right for you and the situation.

Good that your staying. It's nothing to fear. I've been with 5 people as they passed away, thankfully all very peacefully. There may be sounds like the person is struggling to breath but we were assured the person was not in any discomfort. Hold her hand, sing songs she likes, if there are others there chat quietly amongst yourselves. She may well hear you all and find comfort in that. Wishing you strength and comfort at this sad time for you

OP I went through the same thing with my mum last year. It’s fucking horrendous but the last moments were very peaceful and undramatic, the body literally becomes a shell before your eyes.

Try not to despair too much, there isn’t anything you can do to change the situation so accept what is happening and look after yourself. No one can prepare you for this situation so you have to learn as you go along.

I promise you, the end is just the beginning of the next stage of her life, what’s inside her tired dying body does just cease existing. Whether you believe in heaven, the afterlife or even ghosts for that matter, we must go somewhere else, so feel the privilege of watching her move on, many people do not have that chance.

The relief you will feel afterwards will be well earned, even though it sounds ridiculous to even consider that, it’s the truth.

Those that regret you left and your loved one died minutes later, please don't. It's a proven fact that often people die when left alone almost on purpose. In a way you leaving freed them to let go.

My Nana died alone and that pains me because the circumstances were different. I couldn't get there as heavily pregnant and she was 400+ miles away but her kids were too busy bathing and working to go .

I sat by my husband when he died. It wasn't horrible or scary. If you are there, and the nurses ask you to leave while they wash the body, please be prepared that she will look completely different afterwards.

Only about half an hour (I think) passed before I saw him again but it was so obvious that the life force had gone. He didn't look horrid, just empty. It was the first time I had seen anyone who was dead.

My mum had a very traumatic death, it was pretty dreadful and I was heartbroken to see her like that. But I will never regret being with her when she died. She died knowing that I, my sister and my dad were with her and telling her how much we love her. She died knowing she was loved.

I sat with my beloved grandmother when she died. It wasn't scary - it was peaceful and a complete privilege to share her final moments. It gives me a lot of peace to know I was there. Thinking of you

I'm sorry your Grandma is passing on, it's a terribly sad time for all who loved her. But ... a thread for Mumsnet AIBU?

I was with my mum and dad when they both passed, I am so glad I was with them, I would never forgive myself if I wasn’t there.

When my gran passed I wasn’t there, and I’ve never forgiven myself.

Massive hugs to you xx

Nextphonewontbesamsung trust me, in the moments you are sat waiting, watching a loved one die it truly feels like you’re living in hell. If a thread on Mumsnet helps put her mind at ease then so be it. If I were a member on here when I lost my mum I would have been reaching out the same way, sometimes the kindness of strangers helps you through things. So take your snideness off elsewhere xo

Stay I wish I could have been there for my mum but I was a day late due to no flights, I always wish I had got that message earlier that she was at the end

Sending love and strength to you OP. It is obvious how much you love her, so you are with her in her heart, as she will always be in hers.

My lovely mum died in January and I was not there. I'm broken-hearted by that, but didn't know she was going. I'm glad my siblings got there before her last breaths, but still we'd all have preferred to be able to sit with her, to help her on her journey.

With my dad, we sat for nearly a week. It was a horrible, glorious journey. One I am so very thankful to have taken.

for the next bits.

Just to gently say, that it is a known thing for those dying to wait for their loved ones to leave for a break, cup of tea or whatever, and then go.

I have seen it so often. So do not worry anyone. If you loved them in life, they will know it, and they can often try to spare you the pain of being there when they passed. My sympathies and thoughts to all of you going through this.

My dad died on 28th January this year, and me, my sister and our husband's were there. I couldn't have not been there but having said that he was under palliative sedation at this point and was not waking up. When he passed his breathing just became more shallow and then stopped. He did need us a few days earlier when he was waking up and in pain and we were there for that, day and night, but at the point he died, I think we were really there for us more than him. As everyone has said, there is no right or wrong. Provided you are not going to beat yourself up after for not being there, then to not be there is fine. However, there is the fear that your imagine may make the moment they pass to be a dramatic event that it isn't, if you don't actually see for yourself.

I sat with my mum for days watching her and waiting. Those days were harder than anything. When it came to it I could tell by her face that death was not far away, hadn't known what I was looking for until I saw it. Watching her pass peacefully was awful but those long nights before were equally as bad. I'm glad I was there though and I like to think she knew I was.

I will stay as I don’t want to regret it

You'll do whatever's best, Clinging, and you'll do it right, but because you loved each other so much please know that there's nothing, absolutely nothing at all to regret

It's the love which enabled her - even while struggling - to tell you not to worry, the love which will carry you through this sad time and the love again which will make you smile at the happy memories, knowing that nothing was left undone, unsaid or neglected in any way

"Say not in grief that she is no more, but in thankfulness that she was"

@Clingingtothewreckage

I watched my Step dad die last week, he'd been on life support but nothing was working, dm was advised that turning life support off was best and we gathered round his bed as he passed away

It's not something i think anyone should ever have to witness imo, even though it was a peaceful end

Sometimes it seems that people wait until they're alone to let go. Or, maybe they're waiting for their loved ones to let go. Often it seems to go like that.

to you, OP, and to everyone grieving and bereaved.

It can a privilege and a blessing to be present when a loved one passes peacefully away. I hope it goes well for you and your granny OP. `

My grandma died about half an hour after my mum left for a break, as she'd been there all night. She was upset at first but then realised that she'd waited for her to go.

My grand choose the moment my grandad left her to open the door (all of 2-3 minutes) to let in my uncle having not been along for a second for weeks. Its vvery common. My gran died knowing my grandad had someone with him. It s a peaceful death. Hugs op go if you can. Sorry for someones loss x

I always encourage people to take little breaks of ten minutes every few hours so the patient is alone sometimes, and tell them that your going for a couple of minutes (for a cuppa and a loo break or whatever. Some want to die alone, it would be a shame if they can't have their wish or have to wait days to go. So if she goes when you are not there, don't feel sorry, because then it was planned.

My gran was in hospital and we were told she was going to die. She hung on for over a week and it was the most peaceful and pain free I had seen her for years. There was one night I was with her alone and her breathing changed and I was absolutely terrified because I thought she was going. I literally sat watching her and breathing with her, I couldn't take my eyes off her. The last night I saw her I took a book and read to myself, held her hand, told her some secrets and sang to her. I tucked her in before I left. She passed early the next morning. I'm sad I wasnt there with her but I know in sprit she wasn't alone and she went the way she wanted, when she was ready. I'm thinking of you both OP. She will know you are there and won't be upset with you if you need to go

@Outsomnia. That very thing happened with my FIL. After a massive stroke he held on for hours until MIL went out to meet his sister at the lift and then he was gone within 2 or 3 minutes. Just me and one daughter were there as the rest of the family were flying home from overseas. I’m glad he wasn’t on his own.