Can I watch my grandma die tonight or tomorrow?

[Clingingtothewreckage]

I’m having a meltdown. My beloved grandma is dying. I’ve been at her side for the week and slept next to her overnight a couple of nights ago and been spending most of the day here every day. I’m exhausted and a mess and can’t sleep. My two cousins have slept here a couple of nights and will stay again tonight so she won’t be alone if I am not here. I meant to stay last night but fell apart and she made it through. I thought I could do tonight but I’m getting major palpitations and getting very upset at the thought of watching her. I left last night and thought I’d let her down. What do I do? Is it as bad as you think watching someone die?

Also, what mummyoflittledragon relates is exactly how it was for us.

You beautiful people. I will stay as I don’t want to regret it. It’s all about my beautiful grandma now. Thank you to you all for giving me much needed courage xxx

I'm so sorry. You sound lovely and it sounds like you've done a marvellous job already. I hope you have someone to support you x

My husband died at home, and I and my daughters (early 20s) sat with him. It was very peaceful. He'd been unconscious for 24 hours and only occasionally conscious for the 24 before.

We knew it was imminent. His general breathing pattern had changed, so the girls and I sat on/beside his bed and chatted, sharing memories and even laughing at some of them. We then noticed his skin colour changing. It was almost as if the blood was surging into different parts of his body, as his hands became lilac-y. Then his breathing slowed right down, and then stopped.

It wasn't scary. We were prepared, and as he'd wanted to die at home, we were actually, in a weird way, happy. We'd been able to give him what he wanted, and it had been a good death.

All the best with whatever you decide, OP. I didn't feel able to be there with my dad, 15 years before, so I don't think there's a one situation that fits all. Whatever you do is okay.

I've been present on 4 occasions when people have died, including my dad. I don't regret any of them. They were very peaceful deaths and I felt extremely honoured to have been able to be there, hold their hands, talk to them. However, if you feel you're not able to stay, you shouldn't feel bad. It's not for everyone and you need to look after yourself too.

It was very peaceful and almost beautiful in a way.

Yes. I'd use the word beautiful, too.

I should add she’s hardly conscious and can barely speak but she told me not to worry. So typical of her. I need to be strong for her x

If you can it’s a genuine kindness to be there when someone passes on. Wishing you strength.

Sending you and your grandma much love.

I stayed with my father as he passed last year. We stayed for 5 days and nights being told anytime now. The end when it came in the last 24 hours was clear it was soon. However it was so peaceful and in his last 10 minutes all the wrinkles left his face and he just looked at peace. He took his last breath quietly with my mum on one side and me in the other and photos of his grandkids in his hand. I don’t regret a moment. After he passed I got to lay on the bed and just hold him for a while. It brought me a lot of comfort. Much love to you x

Think what your Grandma would want for you. I’m guessing she wouldn’t want you to be upset and would want you to do what’s least traumatic for you. Remember, she loves you.

If you were to miss a loved one dying by a few minutes......please still talk to them......apparently hearing is the last thing to go.

Elizabeth kubler ross writes a lot about this in her bereavement books.
Almost like the loved one is hanging on till you go for a cuppa or a shower and then they feel free to go so don’t feel bad if you weren’t there.

I was a bereavement counsellor and my mum and auntie both had dementia and zero quality of life.
I used to sit by their bedside and say it’s ok if you want to go.
You were a lovely mum/ auntie..the best and you can go and join dad/ uncle bill as soon as you want .

I couldn’t be there for either of them. Just too distressing for me. Mum passed away about 12 hours after I’d last seen her and that was bad enough
I hope and prayed she would open her eyes and say my name...but she didn’t.
She did sit up and looked like she was looking at someone who wasn’t physically in the room but that was it.
I had a fabulous mum but it was a good six months after her death before I could properly grieve for her.
I’d been grieving for her for about 4 years leading up to her death.

My dad had been by my mothers side for days. He finally stepped out for just a moment, and that is when she died. He was torn apart by that fact, but we spoke with the hospice staff and they said it’s not uncommon. It’s almost like the person is waiting for privacy to pass.

If you want to be by your grandmother’s side, then be there, but remember that there is no right or wrong approach. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can visit and also take time for yourself.

I slept on a camp bed next to my step father as he died. No regrets. It was awful - but absolutely no regrets.

My step mother never told me how bad it was with my dad as he lay dying. I thought he was just in for a knee op. Had I known, I would've been there next to him, no matter what. Do what you know you won't regret later in life.

OP

I'm glad you're going to stay, but if you change your mind that's OK too,

Last year my nan has an OP and a few days later she had a heart attack in hospital - the doctors told us she wouldn't recover from it, and move her to a side room so we could be alone with her. We didn't know when it would be and made the decision at about 10pm to go home, get some sleep, and be back by 7am. We were lucky, she held on. And the next day we spent it playing her all her favourite music through our phones (she was a pianist) and talking to her, and holding her hand. It was sad, but I'm glad we (me, my son and my mum) were able to be there when she died.

But as a few others have said, sometimes people wait for you to go before they die. So please don't have any regrets if you aren't there when it happens.

to everyone here

@Lollypop701 “a heartbreaking blessing” sums it up perfectly. There’s such a sense of relief that your loved one is finally free x

On the morning my dad died, the district nurse made her morning visit and gently suggested that she didn't think it would be much longer.

When he died later that morning, it was peaceful and quiet. I felt awful in the run-up to that moment but was strangely calmed by a feeling of inevitability shortly before the end.

Incidentally, our local hospice has volunteers who come to your house and sit overnight with your loved one, specifically so you can get some sleep. They don't sleep themselves and come and wake you if they need to. That helped my mum out who'd been sleeping next to my dad the night before and was shattered. Perhaps your local hospice does the same.

I was with my mother when she died. She just stopped breathing. It was expected, and it was very peaceful.
I am sorry you are feeling anxious, and I am sure also, you will try to do your best, and will try to be there. But this is not always possible for a variety of reasons. That in the end is all we can hope for.

I was with my dad when he passed and it was peaceful his breathing slowed and then just stopped my mum was on her way back as we'd been taking it in turns to sit with him but I got the staff on board and when she arrived lied that he was still alive and then had him die again for her benefit as I knew she'd beat herself up over not being there if she knew the truth, I'm not by nature a liar but this is a decision I'll always stand by and she will never know the truth.
My grandad I'd left 30 mins prev and he slipped away allegedly with a nurse holding his hand but I also think this was a lie for families benefit but I'm happy to go with it. Hope your gran passes peacefully and if you're not with her don't beat yourself up over it some people just need to be alone before they can get permission to pass.

You won’t be ‘watching her die’ if you stay, you will be ‘with her’.

Sending you some strength.

SQx

Every time I've done it they've just sort of slipped away and it's been very peaceful.

Don't put pressure on yourself x

My mum died alone in the night, in her care home, in January. It wasn't expected. I wish that I'd been there. All the best to you and your family.

I think if you aren't there you might regret it. My mum is sad that she didn't get there on time for her mum. It was helpful for her when she was able to be there for a friend. You're panicking, but it'll help you and her. All you have to do is sit there. It's not as awful as you think. Hugs xxxxx

I was privileged to be with my husband when he took his last breath nearly 10 years ago now. I had the opportunity to talk to him and tell him that we would be OK and he visibly relaxed. He went peacefully while I was holding his hand. It was as PP has said, a heartbreaking blessing.